The Heroes Parody Project – Chapter 6.10 - Viral
Disclaimer: The Heroes Parody Project is a fan parody of the television show, Shining Time Station; and is copyright Tim Kring and NBC. I do not own anything and am not, do not represent, or know any of the cast and crew of the show. Any similarities to any real life people or events are purely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.
On this week's episode of: The Barefoot Contessa
Matt walks into the kitchen wearing a short cut black wig.
Matt: Welcome back! Ina Parkman here. Tonight, I'm going to be having some close friends come over. I haven't seen them in ages, so I really want this night to be special. We're going to start with having some of my favorite, succulent short ribs. After dinner, some of my favorite wine. Then for dessert, nothing beats moist marble cake. It's going to be a dinner they won't soon forget. Good friends, good food, is there nothing better? I have a lot of work to do, so let's get started.
Matt leaves the house. The family who the house belongs to is sitting at the dinner table.
Father: Um….who the hell was that?!
Mother: It's that weird guy who always breaks into our house to host his cooking show. He's been doing it for months, how have you not noticed?
Father: You don't find that odd?
Mother: Not really.
Matt is at the store, inspecting vegetables.
Matt: Now to compliment these short ribs, you have to make sure you have the freshest produce. These carrots look ripe.
Matt bangs the carrots on the table a few times.
Matt: And this cabbage! Such round-ness! It's like I always say: "Good friends. Better cabbages."
Niki: MATT!
Matt: Hm?
Niki walks into her kitchen.
Niki: Why are you going through my groceries?!
Matt: It's for the dinner party I'm having tonight.
Niki: With my food?
Matt: Yes. And remember, if you cannot steal your food, store bought is just fine.
Niki: You can leave anytime now.
Matt leaves.
Niki: …with my groceries! Get back here!
Matt is relaxing in a bath.
Matt: Before we move on, I'd like to take some time to visit one of my favorite bath houses. Taking time out to relax in a soothing bath is not only good for your skin, but it also makes your food taste better.
Noah is sitting across from Matt in the bath.
Noah: Um…..Matthew?
Matt: Yes, Noah?
Matt puts two potato slices over his eyes.
Noah: Do you remember the intervention we had for you regarding "boundaries"? You're doing the thing we talked about.
Matt: It's like I always say: "Good friends. Better baths."
Noah: That…what?
Elle comes up out of the water.
Noah: AHHHHHH!
Elle: YES! Record time!
Noah: Elle! What the hell are you doing here!? Do we need to have an intervention for you?"
Elle: I'm trying to beat my best lap.
Noah: In….my bathtub?
Elle: Yep, and totally rocked my best time. Maria Sharapova can eat my dust.
Noah: That's a Tennis player.
Elle: Serena Williams won't know what hit her.
Noah: Again…That's tennis.
Elle: Baby Ruth?
Noah: That's a candy bar and a baseball reference! Stop naming Athletes!
Claire walks in.
Claire: Hey, sorry I forgot to knock, I need my lip liner so…
She turns around to see Noah, Elle, and Matt sitting in the bathtub.
Claire: ….Okay…..Well, if you'll excuse me. I need to stick my head in the oven over something else.
Claire slowly backs out of the room.
Matt: Oh crap! Claire, when you stick your head in the oven, will you also put the short ribs in? I forgot to cook those for the party I'm having tonight! Good friends, good food!
Elle: Alright, time to beat Gronkowski's record.
Noah: That's football! Would you both get out already!?
Later, Matt is placing the short ribs on the plate.
Matt: If your friend is too selfish to put your short ribs in the oven as she was sticking her head in at the site of seeing her dad and two of her closest friends sharing a bath, then store bought ribs are just fine.
Matt brings the plates over to the table as he shoos away the family that was sitting there. He sits down, cuts off a piece of rib, places it in his mouth, and immediately spits it out.
Matt: OH CRAP! I FORGOT THE WINE AND CAKE! Okay…don't panic. I can try to whip something up really quick.
Matt gets on the phone. West picks up.
West: Hello?
Matt: Hey West, it's Matt. Parkman. From Heroes. That show we're on.
West: I…know who you are Matt.
Matt: Listen….you and Claire….should totally get married.
West: HUH!?
Matt: Yes! I want it. The fans want it. You…I guess want it. It will be perfect. A beautiful wedding…and an even beautifuller moist marble cake….and some wine. What do you say? Think about it. You're not getting any younger. I'm 52….so you know what that makes you?
West: AHHH! I better call her right now and propose!
Matt: Fantastic! But wait a few minutes, I need to make an unrelated call.
West: Okay.
Matt hangs up and immediately calls Claire.
Claire (picking up): Hello?
Matt: Hi Claire….you're not getting any younger.
Claire: EXCUSE ME!?
Matt: Oh wait…I was supposed to lead into that. Whatever. Anyway, you should totally marry West!
Claire: WHAT?! Why?
Matt: I. Just. Said. You weren't getting any younger. Weren't you paying attention?
Claire: I'm not going to marry West, Matt. I don't know what you have planned…
Matt: Claire…it's not a REAL wedding. It's for the ratings.
Claire: What ratings?
Matt: Exactly. People love to tune in for big tv weddings. And what wedding is better than the most shipped couple on the show.
Claire: And that would be me and West?
Matt: Heck yeah. Come on Claire…let's make this the biggest wedding of the season. Then we can have an even bigger annulment for next season!
Claire: Ugh…fine.
Matt: Super, West will be calling you shortly.
Claire: Calling me!?
Matt: CLICK!
Matt hangs up.
Matt: Okay, everything is going according to plan.
Two Months Later.
Matt (sitting at the front row of the wedding): *sniff*….I love Weddings. It's like I always say: "Good friends. Good Weddings."
Priest: Do you…West Rosen, take Slappy Bennet, to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Claire: SLAPPY!? That's still a thing!? I thought I had that changed!
Peter (as a groomsman): Name changes are very difficult to pull off on this show, Claire.
Claire: UGH!
Later at the reception.
Claire: Okay, who's ready for some cake….um…where's my cake?
Matt is wheeling the cake out of the building with two bottles of wine under his arms.
Matt is back at the house. He pours the bottles of wine, cuts a piece of cake, and sits down to the plate of two month old ribs that have been sitting at the table.
Matt: The perfect dinner. Good friends…Good…OH CRAP, I FORGOT TO INVITE PEOPLE! Damn….I need another big event….
Matt calls Elle.
Elle: This is Elle, who's not getting any younger.
Matt: Elle! It's Matt.
Elle: ….from Heroes?
Matt: That's the one!
Elle: What's up, buddy?
Matt: I need you to get married…like…right now.
Elle: Hmm…I think I can swing that. Who did you have in mind?
Matt: You pick.
Elle: …Hmm…Peter's pretty hot. Probably one of the hotter members of the cast, other than myself of course.
Elle proceeds to pick a sesame seed out from her teeth with a paper clip.
Elle: Okay, give him a heads up. I want to propose to him!
Matt: You got it.
Matt is at the reception of Peter and Elle's wedding.
Matt: Nothing beats having your best friends over for a fabulous dinner party. It couldn't have gone more perfect.
Peter and Elle cut the cake. They both share a bite. Then they both cram a piece into each other's faces.
Claire: I can't believe I was upstaged at my own fake wedding. And that is my cake, dammit!
Niki: Everything on this plate I bought at the grocery store. This is all my food.
Noah picks up his ringing phone.
Sandra (on the line): Noah, it's Sandra….from Heroes.
Noah: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, SANDRA!
Sandra: I think you should come home. Rob Gronkowski and Serena Williams are fighting over who gets to use the bathtub, and it's really freaking me out!
Peter and Elle dance by.
Elle: That's because they're a bunch of sore losers! Dip me, husband!
Peter dips Elle down and brings her back up. They waltz away.
Noah: This show has completely gone off the rails.
Sandra (on the phone): Whose Baby Ruth is this?!
Noah rolls his eyes and puts his phone away.
Claire (looking over some paperwork): Wait….are these marriages actually official?! MATT!
Nathan: Previously on Heroes
Elle: I hate shape shifters.
Elle shoots a shape shifter that looks like Bob Bishop.
Hiro and Mohinder: AHHH!
Molly: I'm Molly Walker.
Noah: No you're not.
Joanne: I'm looking for Gabriel Gray. He's going to help me rid my son of his abilities. He didn't get them from me, I can't imagine where else he could have got them.
Luke Collins, Joanne's husband.
Luke: Hi, my name is Luke, I have abilities.
Nathan: My name is Nathan; I am the Grim Reaper.
Miko: My name is Miko, and I'm a videogame character.
Nathan: I'm surrounded by weirdos!
Molly: I'm the real Molly Walker.
Fake Molly Walker: My name is Fran, and I need to warn you about 'The Seven'. A group of seven siblings who can shapeshift. They can be anybody, trust no one.
Elle (to Hiro): We have to go back and time and question the shapeshifter I just killed.
The shapeshifter falls to his death.
Elle: Well, THAT didn't do us any good.
Fran (to Molly): Stop 'The Seven'….
Fran leaves. Then another Fran enters.
Fran: Hi, I'm Fran. I need to warn you about 'The Seven'.
Molly: Ugh! I hate this shapeshifter plot!
Fran and Molly leave the prison and run into Noah. Who is actually one of the Seven shapeshifters named Adam.
Fran (who is one of the shapeshifters named Sam): Adam, we can't do this!
Adam shoots Sam. Molly runs off. Sam manages to get enough strength to stab Adam before running off.
Bob: Erica Kravid is up to no good. She is using the game 'Evernow Online' as a front to develop a virus that will strip people of their abilities. She plans to accomplish this using Elle's electricity, Molly's tracking, Micah's techno-babble, Sylar's power to strip powers, and the Twins, Tommy and Malina…because Twins.
Claire: Twins?
Bob: Yep. Anyway, once she rips people of their abilities, she is going to sell them back to them at inflated prices. And how does she plan on doing that, by using the game to send digital versions of monsters out into the world, forcing people to buy powers. It sounds bad…but at least it doesn't involve shapeshifters!
Molly runs into Matt, Mohinder, Quintin, and Emily. They take refuge at a diner where Noah, Niki and Elle track them down. A shapeshifter who looks like Matt kidnaps Molly. Then another one looking like Molly blows up the diner, kidnapping Elle in the process.
Miko: We have to get into the source code of the game and stop the virus. Stop the monsters from being released into the world. Help me, Nathan, and I will relieve you of your grim reaping abilities.
Nathan: I still don't see how you are capable of doing that.
Miko: I am capable of many things because Twins.
Nathan: What..?
Zach From Season One: Monsters are roaming the earth….it is being caused by unsent souls of the dead that have manifested into…well…monsters roaming the Earth.
Nathan: And I'm sure I'M going to get blamed for that.
Joanne: I'm hunting Sylar.
Edgar: And I helped.
Sylar: And now I have my powers back…and I lost them. But I have them again, so I'm going after this Erica myself.
Sylar gets kidnapped.
Sylar: Well, THAT didn't work.
Claire: Peter, we're going to go get my kids. To Texas!
Caspar: I'm Caspar, I have the power of pennies…and by that, I mean I'm actually an evil shapeshifter and I poisoned your boyfriend and made off with your kids. Bye!
Claire: Well, THAT didn't….Wait! He's not by boyfriend!
Peter: Yeah, these two tied the knot! Ahh…young love.
Claire: No we didn't! Things that happen in the stupid pre-show skits don't stick!
Peter: Oh wait, I also got married. Couples counselling!
Claire: Do you even know what that is?
Ando: It's time to go into the game.
Niki, Matt, Noah, Miko, Hiro, and Nathan suit up.
Miko: The virus has been released. Saving Micah within the game is our only chance now.
A purple haze looms over the videogame world.
Miko: The clock is ticking. The Virus has been released.
Miko, Nathan, Hiro, Matt, Niki, and Noah
Evernow Online
Niki: So…is Ando or whoever going to tell us where to go?
Miko: No…communication is going to be cut off from the outside world. We're on our own going forward. All we need to do is get to the Castle and save Micah before the Virus infects the entire land.
Niki: Ugh…fine, let's start this.
We begin our story with the six heroes of legend:
Miko, the Assassin. She has killed many, but only in the name of good. She is the Robin Hood of killing people. She kills the rich so the poor will feel richer by comparison.
Niki: THAT'S not messed up at all…How is that in the name of good?!
Hiro, the Cleric, a man of faith, a man of kindness. Using his gifts, he heals ailments, but only in the name of good. He mostly specializes in the Rich, anybody who doesn't get completely assassinated are healed…shortly before they get assassinated.
Niki: I'm so confused…
Matthew Of The Divine, the most powerful sorcerer in all the seven realms. He can command brooms to come to life and do chores around his house.
Matt: SWEET!
Niki, The Knight, she's a little rusty…
Niki Gee, thanks game.
Niki: But has sworn to protect the Sorcerer with her life.
Matt: Woo Hoo! Bodyguard!
Niki: Like hell!
And finally, Noah, The Old Master. Every year that passes, he gets a little older.
Noah: Uh…yeah…so does everyone?! Seriously, that's my description?
And so, our heroes…
Nathan: Do I not get an introduction?
…and finally, Nathan, the Bird Man…..Legend states once every hundred years he lays a golden egg.
Nathan: I'm sorry I asked…
And so, our Heroes journey to save The Internet Prince who is held captive in the castle. They best hurry, as a mysterious purple fog looms over the town. Once the town is completely enveloped, the outside world is doomed.
Niki: Alright everyone, let's hurry up and fail this.
Matt: All together!
The group puts their hands together, then they raise them up.
Everyone: GOOOO BUNDY!
Niki: You know I hate doing that!
EVERNOW
Claire, Peter, West, Joanne, Luke, Edgar
Outside The Evil Mobile Compound Base Lair
Claire: I sure wish they'd pick a name and stick with it.
Joanne: So, what's the plan here? Erica has all the people for her machine and now we're all screwed?
Edgar: Pretty much. And she has her power disabler with her, so we can't do anything either.
Peter: Don't you see, guys. We don't need powers to take her down…we just need to use our heads. Together, we can accomplish anything. Because this is our time, this is our time down here.
West: ….
Joanne: ….
Luke: …..
Edgar: …..
Claire: I bet you don't even know what movie that line is from.
Peter: Of course, I've only seen The Addams Family Values like, a hundred times.
Claire: Okay…you got lucky.
Joanne: …Yep, we're screwed.
= = =HEROES= = =
As the six heroes continue on, they reach a town. The sign on the Town reads:
Chapter 10 "Viral"
A villager runs up to the group.
Villager: Oh my stars….are you the six fabled heroes of legend?
Matt: That's us…in the flesh.
Village: Oh, thank the gods. We need your help.
Matt: What do you need?
Niki: Uh..Matt? We kinda have our own problems. We don't have time to piddle around with pointless quests.
Matt: Tsk…tsk…Oh Niki, so naïve when it comes to the world of gaming. Let me enlighten you with my vast knowledge.
Niki: May I enlighten you with my vast fist?...Hmm…probably not a good comeback. Makes it sound like a have huge hands.
Niki looks at her hands, they're insanely large.
Niki: AHH! What happened to my hands!? Why are they so big?
Hiro: Everybody knows the trademark of the Knight is giant hands.
Niki: Forget it.
Matt: Tell us the problem, kind shrew.
Villager: Our poor town is being threatened by the Evil Overlord. He is raising our taxes, and if we don't pay him, he'll have us destroyed.
Matt: We'll take the case. Miko, tell us what to do since this is your department.
Miko: I never heard of him. Must be a part of a new expansion.
Niki: WHAT?! You're supposed to be our Evernow expert, and you don't even know who this bad guy is?
Miko: Nope, sorry.
Niki: Well, I shouldn't care too much since this has nothing to do with our actual reason for being here. Come on, Matt, let's move it.
Villager: Wait! I know how you can defeat him. Please, help us!
Niki: Ugh, fine, if we can make it quick. How do we kill him?
Villager: You must find the Amulet Of Light.
Niki: And where do we find that?
Villager: It's been broken into three pieces.
Niki: Ugh…
Villager: One piece is in the Temple Of Souls. One is in the Lost Forest. And one is in the Sea Of Lost Souls.
Niki: Wow, they really put a lot of imagination into naming these places. Okay, we'll get your stupid…
Villager: Once you find the Amulet, you have to place it in the Locket Of Time. It is broken into 1,000 pieces. One is in the Volcano of Souls. One is in the Ghost Ship Of Lost Time. One is in the Underwater Diamond Mind Of Lost Souls…
Niki: OH, FORGET IT! Matt! We're abandoning this quest! We don't have time for this crap!
Matt: Fine, sorry Villager person.
A kid runs up.
Kid: Excuse me, I was eavesdropping on your conversation.
Niki: Which isn't rude AT ALL. What do you want?
Kid: Are you trying to get to the castle?
Niki: Yes! Finally, we're making some headway. Can you help us?
Kid: Yes, I can build a teleportation device that will zip you right there.
Niki: Perfect!
Kid: But I'm missing one key ingredient. Have you ever heard of the Amulet Of Light?
Niki (to Miko): Do most of these quests involve this ridiculous Amulet?
Miko: Pretty much.
Niki: Why is this game popular again?
Meanwhile, back in the car.
Claire: My legs are falling asleep!
Peter: I have an idea. I'm going to walk right up there and sneak in.
Claire: Uh..Peter, that's a terrible idea.
Peter: Think about it, she hasn't met me yet.
Claire: I've thought about it, and yeah…she kinda has. Did you forget that we were prisoners of hers a few episodes ago? Along with your mother and Bob? And we were watching that stupid Cher-lock Holmes show which I'm missing and WHERE is your mother anyway!? Why isn't she having to deal with any of this garbage?! She should be suffering along with us!
Peter: I'll have you know, that Ma is in the middle of a heated Mayor-dential Election.
Claire: I think the word you're look for is Mayoral…
Peter: And it's going fine! Just fine.
Peter looks at his phone.
Peter: She just lost the election.
Claire: Well, that was fast. I'm glad we didn't delve into THAT storyline.
Joanne: So, what's the plan here? Are we just sitting idly by like idiots?
West: I can go….oh wait, I used to work for her.
Claire: According to Zach, all we can do is wait for the others to save Micah in the Evernow simulation. There's nothing we can do out here.
Peter holds a gun up to Claire's head.
Claire: Uh….
Joanne: "Uh" indeed.
Edgar: Well, I'd love to help with whatever is going on here, but some genius parked the car RIGHT NEXT to the Mobile Base and Power Blocking Girl, so I can't do squat!
Luke: This car has an auxiliary port!? My car doesn't have that….or a CD Player…or a speedometer….or a wheel. It's not a very good car…..
Claire: So…Peter….want to explain what's going on here? Is this because I pulled a gun on you in the Future timeline way back in the original series? LET IT GO.
Peter: Hate to disappoint you, but your boyfriend was already captured.
Claire: EW! THAT'S MY UNCLE! GROSS!
West: Yeah pal, we're married.
Claire: I told you, that only happened in the skit. Huge, life altering decisions made in skits or "This Is Us" flashbacks are not canon!
Mailman: Package for a Miss Slappy Bennet!
Claire: Oh, shut up!
Fake Peter: Oh….sorry to assume. I just do that about people. (He points to Luke and Joanne), like I figured they were married. (Points to Edgar) And I figured he came from a family of Carnival folk.
Edgar: What's THAT supposed to mean!?
West: It's technically Slappy Rosen…..unless you want me to take your name which I'm totally down for. West Bennet…. a Gypsy I met at a carnival once told me I would inherit the name of my one true love…so maybe she's talking about you!
Claire: Oh, that's nice.
West: I think that's what she said. I wasn't listening very well as I was distracted by her giant face.
Edgar: That's Hildred, don't get me started on her. We used to go out. Very clingy.
West: Maybe she said I would inherit a bidet. You know…those splashy toilet water things that…
Claire: Yeah, we know what those are. How would you even get that mixed up? My name sounds nothing like that
Mailman (to West): Package for a Mr. Bidet!
West: Oh, he must mean me. GASP! What the Gypsy said was true. I'm sorry Claire…I'm afraid it's not going to work out between us.
Claire: Can we puh-lease get back to the matter at hand!? The matter being that Peter is STILL HOLDING A GUN TO MY FACE!
Fake Peter: Arm isn't getting tired or anything.
West (opening the package): Oh…it is a Bidet. Well, now I'm confused. Good News Claire, you can still be my wife….. I just had to make a quick call to the writers.
Mailman: Package for a Mrs. Slappy Bidet.
Claire: OH MY GOD! JUST SHOOT ME ALREADY!
Luke: What mail service delivers this many times in the same day?
Joanne: I have the biggest headache right now.
Fake Peter: If anybody cares, I'm actually a shape shifter.
Claire: When did THAT happen?
Fake Peter: When your…Uncle….ran off to Erica's base like an idiot.
Claire: …When did THAT happen!? We've been here the entire time!
Fake Peter: I don't know, my arm is getting really tired. I'm taking you all with me now and putting you into prison.
Claire: Oh boy, imprisoned again. I feel like that's all we do on this show is get thrown in prison.
Back In Evernow.
Niki: What do you mean "The bridge is broke"?!
Toll Keeper: Uh…well…we had a bridge…and now it's broke.
Niki: How are we supposed to cross so we can save the world!?
Toll: You….can't….because the bridge is broke. There is ONE way though….
Niki: I swear if you mention one word about that stupid Amulet….
Toll: No, I just need 1,000 gold. And I can get the town Bridge Maker to fix the bridge.
Niki: There's a "Town Bridgemaker"….shouldn't the Government be paying his salary?!
Toll: The game isn't that deep, maam.
Niki: Don't call me "maam". Well, how do we get 1,000 gold? Do you take Capital One, Visa, Mastercard?
Toll: That's not a thing here.
Niki: Well, we're broke then.
Toll: There is some ways to make gold. The town offers many side jobs to make some gold on the side.
Niki: UGH! Now we have to WORK!? We're never going to save the world at this rate.
Toll: There is also a bounty.
Niki: A what?
Toll: The Town Pawn Broker is offering 1,000 gold to whoever can sell him the heart of The Wooly King. He's a ferocious best who...
Niki: Let me guess. He lives in the Lost Woods. Or The Woods Of Time. Or The Lost Woods Of Souls. Or The Woods Of Lost Souls Of Time….
Toll: He lives in the cave down the road.
Niki: Oh, well that was easy enough.
Toll: It's blocked by a magical door that can only be unlocked using the Amulet Of Light.
Niki: THIS GAME SUCKS!
Toll: Now, now…don't panic. I have a locket that the Amulet can go in…and Two of the Three Pieces of the Amulet. If you can find the last piece, you can use it to defeat the Wooly King and sell his heart for the money to fix the bridge.
Niki: Fine. And do you know where I can find the last piece of the Amulet?
Toll: The final piece is in the Sea Of Lost Souls.
Niki: Now I have to go SWIMMING!?
Niki joins the group back in the village.
Niki: Okay, here's the plan. Me, Old Fart, and Sabrina Spellman here…
Matt: She's talking about me!
Niki: We're going to find this Amulet, so we can unlock the stupid cave, so we can kill the stupid Wooly King, so we can sell his stupid heart for the gold needed to fix the damn bridge so we can get to the castle and save Micah. You three, try to find some ways to make gold fast. If you're able to get enough money to cut down on time we should go for it.
Miko: I'm going to see if anybody needs to be assassinated for money.
Niki: Lovely.
Hiro: I already have a plan for money…it involves you (to Nathan), so let's get to work.
Nathan: This can't possibly end well.
Back in the base, Erica walks up to Claire, Peter, West, Edgar, Joanne, and Luke…who are in restraints.
Peter: Hey Claire, sorry, I got kidnapped.
Claire: I noticed.
Peter: If it's any consolation, did you get my wedding gift?
Claire: Please tell me you did not send us a Bidet!
Peter: It was supposed to be a ticket to Tibet, for your Honeymoon. Oh, silly autocorrect. I'm so embarrassed.
West: It was a lovely present anyway Peter.
Joanne: There are so many things wrong with this, I have a million questions.
Mailman: Package for a Mr. Petrelli.
Peter opens the box.
Peter: Wow! Two tickets to Tibet! The perfect Honeymoon! Thanks West! Elle is going to love this!
West: Don't mention it. It's beautiful this time of year.
Claire: Can we just end the season here? I'm ready to go home now.
Erica: I brought you here since soon my plan will come to fruition. Soon, all abilities in the world will be mine. But first…I'm going to perform a test.
Erica (To Harris Prime): How long until the virus is released from Evernow?
Harris Prime: Soon. It's not enough to pull abilities on the global scale. But we can perform some extractions now.
Erica: Excellent. Bring in the iPhones!
Joanne: I actually prefer Android.
Erica: Ugh…bring 5 iPhones and an Android.
Luke: I still use a Blackberry.
Erica: 4 iPhones, An Android, and a Blackberry. Would you people stop making this so difficult?!
Peter: I still have a Nokia.
Erica: 6 iPhones! And make it snappy!
Six Harris clones come in and hold the phones in front of their faces.
Erica: Start the extraction.
Peter: Claire…if we don't make it through this.
Claire: Yeah?
Peter: I just want you to know…
Peter removes his face to reveal computer parts.
Peter: I was an Android the entire time.
Claire: ….
West: And Claire, if we don't make it through this…my phone…I was USING an Android the entire time. I don't care much for iPhones.
Claire: At this point, I'm rooting for the villains.
Joanne: Question! I don't have abilities. So why am I being forced to do this?
Erica: Good question. We need to see how the extraction works on normal people…see if it's true if it causes 100% death.
Joanne: Super.
Meanwhile, in Evernow.
Nathan: Um…..WHAT?!
Hiro: Just one…it will be all we need.
Nathan: You…want me to do…what?
Hiro: Lay a Golden Egg! That will net us the thousand gold needed to fix the bridge. I don't see how you're shocked. It's in your class description.
Nathan: I never wanted to be a Bird-Man!
Hiro: But…it was the last class available. All the other good ones we're taken!
Nathan: So..?
Hiro: It's not a big deal, flying man. Just pop one out and let's sell it!
Nathan: Pop one out!? You make it sound like it's easy!
Hiro: Just take deep breaths and think eggy thoughts.
Nathan: …Seriously?
Niki, Noah, and Matt are standing on a beach.
Matt: I love the beach! OW! I just stepped on a broken beer bottle!
Noah: This beach seems to be nothing BUT broken beer bottles.
Niki: Okay, Wizard Man, do you have anything in your Spell Arsenal to help us get this thing?
Matt: I have a spell to breathe underwater…and I have a spell that can evaporate oceans.
Noah: That seems really impractical.
Niki: I agree…I don't need my armor to get any more rusty than it already is. Evaporate the sea!
Noah: I meant….isn't getting rid of the sea a bad thing?
Niki: It's a GAME, Noah! It doesn't matter. They can always program more water later. We're trying to save our world which is more important.
Noah: True.
Matt (reading his book): By the powers that be! Goddess! Mother of Sorcery! Let the Sea-Gone…Be-Gone!
Niki: "Sea-Gone"?
Steam begins to rise from the water, what is left is a mass canyon.
Niki: Look at all those fish.
Matt: Oh no! Those fish will suffocate! I better cast my "Make all fishes breathe air" spell!
Noah: Who wrote these spells!?
Niki: Well, this ocean is pretty much all deep end. We're pretty much standing on a cliff now. Matt, do you think you can…um…where did Matt go?
Noah: He appears to have fallen to his death.
Niki: Well, THAT wasn't smart. Let's find a way down.
Niki and Noah get to the bottom of the canyon and run over to Matt's body.
Noah: Parkman! Are you alive?
Niki: Matt! Speak to us!
Noah: Is he going to be okay?
Matt (in a deep valley girl voice): Gee Quinn, if I didn't know any better I would think you were trying to usurp my position as President of The Fashion Club. (In a high pitch voice) Nooo Sandy, I would never do that to you!
Niki: Yeah, he's fine.
Hiro: PUSH! PUUUSH!
Nathan: I'm sorry, did I give the impression I was actually going along with this stupid plan?
Hiro: You have to, Flying Man! The world is at stake! Now lay that egg!
Nathan: I'm doing no such…AHHH!
POP!
Hiro: You did it! Way to go Flyi…oh, it's just a regular egg. Okay, try again!
Nathan: I hate this!
Claire opens her eyes.
Claire: What the….was I knocked out?
Erica: You briefly lost consciousness, yes. How do you feel?
Claire: Um…I don't know. Tired of this storyline for one.
Erica: Here, allow me.
Erica takes a knife and makes a small cut in Claire's arm.
Claire: ACK! That stung, you cow!
Claire continues to slowly trickle blood.
Claire: Um….UM….that's not good. I'm not doing my healy thingies!
Erica: It's not good for you….you see…you no longer have the ability to heal.
Claire: WHAT!?
Erica: Mr. Rosen…
West: That's Mr. Bidet to you!
Erica: Whatever…he can no longer float.
West: It's called Flying.
Erica: Mr….Edgar? What's your last name?
Edgar: Just Edgar….it's kind of like Cher….speaking of Cher-lock Holmes, which I'm missing by the way…
Erica: No fast travelling for him. Lucas…who had the power of being in heat.
Luke: Could you…not…call it that? I have the power of the Sun!
Erica: Peter…who had the power of….actually, I don't know. You change powers so much. What was the last power you had?
Peter: I could command Balloon Animals at my will.
Claire: How is it you always find the stupidest powers?
Peter: Get her, Balloon Cat!
Balloon Cat: …..
POP!
Claire: AHHH!
Peter: GASP! I didn't tell it to do that. I lost my gift…
Erica: The point I'm trying to make is that all your powers are gone. Joanne…
Joanne: What?
Erica: You didn't die.
Joanne: That's good, I guess.
Erica: Behold….the future. People's abilities will be removed, and they will all be mine. They can have them back….for a price of course.
Claire: We get it, we already know your evil scheme. Now what?
Erica: Once your friends fail, and all powers are removed…we'll dump you somewhere. Good luck trying to survive with all the monsters roaming around. But please reach out to me if you want to make a transaction.
West: Not trying to be "that guy", but this is just about money, right? Wouldn't it be easier to just have Molly find a person who could generate money and we could have avoided all this? There's one out there, right? I mean…Bob could turn things to gold, and he was your prisoner at one point, so why not…
Erica: Because that's not as evil. Stop questioning things!
Joanne: Wait!
Erica: What?
Joanne: What happens if they succeed…in the game?
Erica: They won't.
Joanne: But what happens…if they do?
Erica: ….Then I guess my plan goes to hell. Why do you ask?
Joanne: I….want to help stop them.
Luke: What?
Joanne: I thought I could live with you and our son having abilities. But…maybe if the world was rid of them we would be finally finished with crazy loons like this!
Erica: Rude.
Luke: But then nobody would have abilities!
Claire: And monsters are roaming the world, which would be equally as bad.
Joanne: Then in that case….Erica, if I stop them from succeeding. Will you help hide my family? From the monsters. That way my family would be safe and you can do whatever you want. Think about it, they're the good guys. It's a good chance they're going to win.
Erica: Hmmm….and you think you can stop them?
Joanne: Yes….just promise me you'll protect my family.
Luke: You can't be serious!?
Erica: ….Fine….I have a personal island I can send you and your family to if you help me succeed…..(to Harris Prime) Put her in the game.
Harris grabs Joanne and escorts her out.
Claire: What just happened?
Niki (in the Wooly King's Lair): So you see….Mr. King.
Wooly King: Please….just Wooly is fine.
Niki: Okay…Wooly…..can I call you Wools?
Wooly King: NOBODY CALLS ME BY NONE OTHER THAN THE SUGGESTIONS I PROVIDE! ROOOOOAAARRR!
Niki: Okay, Okay! Sheesh! Calm down!
Niki: Okay, so anyway. Me and my travelling companions are trying to cross the bridge to get to the castle to save my son, The Internet Prince. We have journeyed and got all the pieces of the Amulet Of Light.
Wooly: And the locket!? That must have taken weeks!
Niki: ….yep. Sure did. Anyway, we have the whole setup. We need to cross the bridge to the castle, but it's broke. And the only way to fix it is with gold, of course…
Wooly: Of course.
Niki: But in order to get the funds we need….I sorta neeeeeeed…your….heart.
Wooly: I don't have a heart.
Niki: Aww…that's so sad. Is that like some "Grinch" thing…you need the spirit of Christmas or whatever so you can feel or something? I assume that's what that movie is about.
Wooly: No, since the new expansion, they removed the quest line to steal my heart to sell and repair the broken bridge. It was screwing up the economy.
Niki: It was screwing up the what now?
Wooly: Yeah, they took it out of the game.
Niki: But the stupid Toll guy told us how to make the money!
Wooly: I heard about that, not his fault. It's a bug in the game. He still thinks the only way to make real money is by going after me. I'm sure it will get patched out in the next update though.
Niki: But…..wait, you're aware of the bugs in the game? Isn't that a little odd?
Wooly: Not any odder than them patching out my questline, but still keeping the one where you have to collect a thousand pieces of a locket just to hold an amulet. In fact, you don't even need that since you don't need me anymore. The best way to make money now is….
Niki (at a Tavern back in town): You laid a golden egg?
Nathan: I don't want to talk about it.
Hiro: HE DID! It was the most beautiful egg too! I mean, he had to lay A TON of other eggs. But man, when that golden one popped out….it was magnificent.
Nathan: I never want to see another egg for as long as I live.
Niki: Fine whatever, let's just sell the damn thing so we can fix the bridge.
Miko: I'm glad this is over. I killed so many people…but turns out the only person that has money is the Pawn Shop. I don't see how people survive out here.
Hiro: It was difficult, but I already did. Here is the thousand gold.
Niki: Good. Let's get this over to the Toll guy and he can get the Bridge guy and we can finally be on our way. It's a long walk, so let's get going before nightfall.
Matt: No need, I found another spell that can teleport us to the bridge. It's right after the spell that can teleport us to the castle.
Miko: ….
Hiro: ….
Noah: ….
Nathan: ….I had to lay so many eggs.
Niki: Matthew…please hand me your spell book.
Matt: No, you're going to hit me with it!
Niki: Why yes…that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Matt: But it's a hard cover!
Niki: That's the point!
Later, at the Castle.
Niki: Okay, let's get in and save Micah.
Voice: NOT SO FAST!
Niki: Oh, what now!?
A large figure in dark armor shows up.
Dark Knight: You shall not pass.
Hiro: Uh oh..…the Tolkien family is going to come after us for that one…
Nathan: I recognize that voice….Joanne?
Dark Knight Joanne: …..What?
Niki: Nathan, you know this weirdo?
Nathan: That's Joanne…we've ran into each other before.
Dark Knight Joanne: Yes, I haven't forgiven you for bailing on us earlier and making us wreck the car.
Nathan: I was called away to do something death related! Wait…how are you in the game?
Joanne: I was able to be hacked in and made a part of your group, and I chose the last available class, The Evil Overlord!
Hiro: The Evil Overlord is a class? Really?
Nathan: I COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING OTHER THAN CHICKEN MAN!?
Noah: Is this the same Evil Overlord that was raising the taxes for the Village? Why is that a class again?
Niki: Enough! So what…do we fight you now?
Joanne: No…I'm going to let you in.
Niki: Say what…? Why?
Joanne: Because only The Evil Overlord can open the gates to the castle. My son plays this game after all.
Back at the Headquarters.
Ando: It does?!
Zach: Don't look at me, I didn't develop the game.
Mobile Evil Compound.
Erica: It does!?
Harris: Apparently.
Niki: That's a weird thing to remember, but it helps us! So let's roll!
Erica: Why am I not aware of this!? If we would have left it as it was, they would have lost anyway! Get her out of there! I don't care if it kills her.
Harris: I'm shutting her down now.
Joanne raises her hand and the gates to the castle open. She suddenly gets removed from the game.
Niki: Oh no! The weirdo we just met!
Miko: Hurry, she'll be fine. Let's free Micah quickly!
Erica: What happens now…?
Harris: Well…look at this.
Erica looks at it and smiles.
Erica: Get that machine ready, I want to go in real quick.
They run in and make their way up the stairs. The see Micah in the game, restrained by a single chain.
Niki: No problem here, I'll just chop this chain and…
Erica STOP!
Niki stops as the entire group. They turn to see Erica.
Niki: Oh, now what?!
Erica: I just wanted to let you know…you may stop what you're doing.
Niki: Aaaaan why would we do that?
Erica: Because the Virus….has just been released unto the world.
Niki: WHAT?!
Noah: You're lying, Erica.
Miko: No….she is right. We were…too late.
Niki: I blame Matt.
Matt: What did I do!?
Erica: So you can stay here if you wish, it won't be long until the virus infects this version of the game and you'll be unable to escape. But that's your decision. But once you come back, you will not have any abilities.
Niki: Can't I still free Micah?
Erica: I wouldn't recommend it. If you free him, the game will corrupt, the device will permanently shut down…and all powers will be lost….forever.
Niki: I'll miss my rage powers…..but I'm not sacrificing my son to this so….sorry everyone!
Erica: Oh no…your powers are gone anyway. And you can still buy them….or all powers can be removed. Do you want to live in a world where people can't use abilities?
Niki: Well, to be honest…it's not like we really use our abilities on this show properly anyway. The seasons would be a lot shorter. And again…you're expecting me to sacrifice my son over the ability to BUY powers? Yeah, that's not happening.
Erica: There are a lot of other evils in the world. Powers or not. You would be dooming the world, without a way to protect yourself from those evils.
Niki: Like you really care about the world since you're holding said powers for a price.
Miko (to Niki): You know what you need to do, we may have lost…but she doesn't have to win.
Niki nods and grabs her sword.
Erica: WAIT!
Niki slams down the sword and breaks Micah's chain. The world starts to glitch out.
Zach: Okay, we're done. Get them out of there.
Niki: I think we're ready to live in a world without abilities. I think it's time for us to be normal again.
Matt: Mohinder is going to be upset that he'll having nothing to say is extraordinary anymore.
Niki: In which case, I definitely made the right choice!
Erica: You'll regret this! There are people out there far villainous than me…
Niki: Oh, I believe that.
Erica: And you won't be able to stop them!
Niki: I'll take that risk.
Miko: This is the end of the road for me. I will stay here and control the corruption long enough so you all can escape. Nathan…I will do as I promised. I will go into the code and hack your device…and resolve you of being the Harbinger of Death.
Nathan: I still don't see how you can do that. But thank you Miko, I really appreciate everything that you have done for…BAWK!
POP!
Noah: Did you just lay an egg!?
Hiro: It's another golden one! I'm rich I tell you! RICH!
Nathan: Someone please get me out of this game. NOW!
Hiro: Wait…Doesn't somebody still need to be Death?…It's kind of a natural order of things, right?
Miko: With my power, I will assume the role of Death, and be everywhere at all times. Wherever there is an electronical device…death will be starting you in the face.
Niki: Well, that's unpleasant.
Miko: Now go…Micah will be safe. Leave Evernow at once while you still have time!
Niki: You heard Death, Ando…get us out of here!
Ando adjusts some controls and hits a button. The machines holding Niki, Noah, Nathan, Hiro and Matt shut down, as they all fall out and onto the floor.
Niki: OOF!
Ando finishes shutting down the game. Zach and Mohinder make their way over to the group.
Zach: You guys did it…the monsters in the world are disappearing.
Hiro: Miko's not here.
Zach: Yes…the game has been shut down….and she has assumed the role of death…or something. I don't really know how she is pulling that off.
Nathan: I don't care how she's doing it. I'm just glad I don't have to reap any more souls or lay any eggs.
Zach: But if it's true…. what just happened...?
Hiro tries to scrunch his face. Nothing.
Hiro: Our powers are gone…
Niki: It'll be tough…but I think it'll be for the best. What happened to Micah?
Mohinder: His physical body might still be in Erica's custody.
Niki: What's Erica going to do now that her plan failed?
Zach: Patch me through to Claire, we need to see if her team needs any help maintaining the situation.
Ando makes a call. Claire answers it.
Claire: Hello?
Zach: Claire, it's Zach….from Heroes.
Claire: Why do people keep answering the phones like that? We're all from Heroes!
Zach: What's happening over there?
Claire: Well, we got kidnapped by Erica's goons. Then Joanne offered to go into the game to help Erica stop the group.
Zach: I'm glad she did, she pretty much saved us. We wouldn't have been able to continue if she didn't open the door.
Niki: Or somebody probably had a spell to get INTO the castle.
Nathan: Or I could have not been a chicken….
Claire: Well, she's out of the game and was pretty upset now she doesn't have powers to sell.
Niki: If there are no powers…then there are no Harris clones. They should be outnumbered.
Claire: Oh, yeah, the clones are gone….
Cut to Claire on the phone in the mobile base, in front of her stands Harris Prime and Erica, both with blades protruding from their stomachs. The blades get slowly removed as Harris Prime and Erica fall on the floor. Behind them stands "Peter", he is joined by "Nathan" and "Claire".
The real Peter walks up to Claire, who is still on the phone.
Claire (on the phone): So…Zach? We may need some assistance.
Zach: Why…what's going on?
Claire and Peter exchange looks. The fake Peter looks over to the fake Nathan and Claire. He looks back at Claire and Peter and mouths the words "Hang up".
Claire: …We have a new problem.
Claire hangs up the phone.
To Be Continued