Chapter 10 Keep Smiling

"This is morphine…this is stronger than the usual medicine you are taking…in how much pain are you?"

Hitomi clenched her jaw together. That was the very question that she was avoiding for the past couple of months now. It was going to be impossible not to answer that now. She knew that she had to. It wasn't according to plan but she knew that she no longer had a choice on that one.

"The pain is nothing. Please don't blow things out of proportion. Yes. The medicine I am using now is stronger since the previous one wasn't working anymore." She answered.

Folken knelt in front of her. His eyes burned with much concern. "Hitomi, what do you have?" His voice was calm but still it was filled with uncertainty and fear.

Hitomi looked into his eyes and knew that she couldn't lie. She wanted to pass it off as nothing but they do deserve an answer from her. "I'm sick as you can see…it's…I have…leukemia…"

Everyone gasped, couldn't quite make themselves comprehend what she had revealed. Van's mind was spinning as her words kept repeating itself in his head. She was sick and the sickness was just…he didn't need to be told that it meant cancer. Hitomi with cancer…how…why…who could have guessed that she had that? She always looked happy and strong. How could anyone have know…that she was dying…

"When you asked me why I came to work here, you probably thought that I was joking when I told you that I came to buy myself a new life. It's not. The money I am earning here is going to pay for my operation in two weeks. I am literally going to buy myself a new life…that's why I didn't want to go to the graduation ball…I need the money to save my life."

"But you didn't tell me that you are becoming this bad, Hitomi. I wouldn't have agreed to this." Yukari said. Tears started to flow from her eyes.

Hitomi smiled at her and embraced her best friend. "No tears, Yukari. Please don't cry. I am alive and if I am going to die, I won't die without fighting back."

She broke the embrace and smiled again before saying, "You know what the doctors said when I told them I would be working? They told me that I won't survive the stress…that I can't do this. But look at where I am now? Almost a year has past and I am still here. I proved them wrong. Now I will continue to prove the odds wrong. This is supposed to be a fun time so no tears. See? I'm not crying. I will finish things here as I set out to do. I will graduate next week. I will even go to the graduation ball. Then I am going to have that operation. Hopefully, everything goes well and I would be given another chance to live. I don't have regrets so there is nothing to be sad about but much to rejoice for."

"I should be the one comforting you and not the other way around…" Yukari commented, trying to get a hold of herself.

Hitomi started laughing. It seemed that she was the only one capable of laughing at that time. The others were still in the state of shock. They still couldn't accept the truth. "Yeah well things turned out this way. I almost made it but I tripped over and now all of you know. Perhaps it is better this way…but I would have wished to have been able to spare all of you this."

"So you weren't planning on telling us, were you?" Van said.

"Let me ask you this before I answer that…" Hitomi answered, looking at him and standing up, keeping her hand on the couch for support. "Would you have treated me any differently…normally…just like everyone else…if you all knew what I have? Or would you always look over your shoulder to check if this was the moment I would just drop and die?" For the first time, Van saw this pain and fear in her eyes. For the first time, he saw her vulnerability. He couldn't answer.

"I didn't think so. Call it pride but I chose not to say anything or hint anything because I wanted to be treated like everyone else. I don't want to be treated for what I have. If this is going to be my last days here, I don't want others to pity me because there is nothing to take pity on. I am not going to let this disease define me. I would rather choose my path and see how far I can go without any regrets. Perhaps that is selfish but that is all I have left…I'm not afraid to die. I'm much more afraid of living with regrets."

Van's eyes softened a little bit at her. They weren't accusing but rather full of understanding. "Hitomi…it's ok to cry…if you are afraid…" His voice was soft and comforting.

Hitomi closed her eyes and bit her lip. After composing herself, she replied with a small smile, "All my tears have dried up. I am through feeling sorry for myself and questioning why this had to happen to me."

XxXxXx

"Come on Hitomi. Let me take you home." Yukari offered when they were all headed home.

Hitomi smiled back and said, "Thanks but no thanks, Yukari. If you don't mind, I'd rather walk."

"But-"

"This is probably one of my last chances to walk home for awhile and I was planning of visiting something before heading home." Hitomi cut Yukari off as when she was about to argue back.

Reluctantly, Yukari agreed.

"I don't think you should go on alone, Hitomi." Millerna said as she was putting on her over coat.

"I'm fine. It's not like I haven't done this before." She answered stubbornly.

Dryden couldn't help but laugh and lay a hand on Hitomi's shoulder. "You are really a stubborn one, aren't you?" It made Hitomi smile. "I have no doubt that you are going to live a long life but I will have to go with Millerna on this one. With what happened a couple of hours ago, it's better that you aren't alone until you have your operation and get back on your feet."

"It's really ok. I don't want to trouble anyone." Hitomi insisted.

"It's no trouble, Hitomi. We want to make sure that nothing bad happens to you." Millerna answered with a smile.

"I would accompany you if I could but Folken and I have to get these to the publisher and finish the contracts." Allen said as he and Folken approached.

"Yukari had already left. Who was that calling her just now?" Millerna said.

Hitomi laughed and commented, "Her on again off again boy friend. It seems that they are on again." Millerna shook her head.

"I'll accompany her." Van suddenly said as he placed his jacket on and was walking towards the group.

The others stared at him, unsure that they had heard right. Was he really volunteering to accompany her? Hitomi simply smiled. Hitomi and Van didn't seem to find anything wrong with the picture though.

"No. It's ok. Really." Hitomi kept on insisting.

"I'm not taking no for an answer. You heard what they said. We're all in agreement with this one. You shouldn't be alone not with you suddenly being attacked by pain."

"Well that's settled then. Van, take care of her. Make sure she gets home safe." Millerna said turning away to leave followed by Dryden.

They didn't give Hitomi time to protest. Allen and Folken followed suit and left. Hitomi let out a sigh and followed Van to the elevator. He hit the basement and Hitomi spoke up, "You really don't have to do this."

"Watch me." She let out another sigh. "Why didn't you tell me of what you have, Hitomi?" He then asked. His voice was serious yet gentle.

"I already told you why."

"But why? Don't you think that we could at least help you even in a small way?"

"I appreciate the thought but I don't regret the things I did. I believe that they were right. It's not that I am not grateful for the help…it's just…all I want is to be normal…be like everybody else…it's hard to do that if people keep treating you as the girl with cancer."

"Everything you have done…pushing yourself too much…you are killing yourself…"

"No. That is living, Van." She looked at him and smiled.

XxXxXx

Inside Van's car, it was rather silent. It wasn't awkward though but rather comfortable. They had just come from the park where it was quiet and the beautiful night sky could be clearly seen. Van had wondered at first why she wanted to go there. When she only smiled at him and told him that her parents used to bring her there as a child, he somehow understood why she was draw to the place. It was there was Hitomi had let her guard down and allowed the tears to overwhelm her.

Van was scared seeing her like that. He wasn't used to seeing her so hurt and down. But as he looked at her and tried to comfort her in his arms, he also felt in awe. It wasn't easy doing what she was. It wasn't easy keeping a happy, strong front to pass as someone normal. It was hard hiding what she really had especially if the pain was excruciating.

When they arrive in front of Hitomi's house, she smiled a little bit and said in a low voice, "Please don't tell Yukari I broke down. She's already on edge as it is."

"I won't. I promise."

"Thank you. And thank you for my unexpected shoulder to cry on."

"It's ok."

"Well I guess this is my stop. I'll see you tomorrow at work." As Hitomi was about to leave, Van held her arm.

He said, "Wait…"

She only looked back at him. She wondered what it was that he wanted.

"You don't have to come to work. You've pretty much finished everything. We both have. Don't stress yourself too much. You will be coming from school, right?" His eyes showed concern.

She smiled. Even if he had already allowed her to see who he truly was, it was still hard to get used to the new Van. "It's part of my contract, Van. There is nothing I can do about that. I still need to report to work even if it is only for a couple of days more. I can always study there if I don't have anything else to do to pass the time."

"It is a brave thing you are doing. Not everyone can do what you are doing."

Hitomi could only smile. It was the first time Van actually took the time to comment something good about her. With that, she felt his hand loosen on her arm.

"Good night, Van."

"Good night, Hitomi."

XxXxXx

"Hey," Yukari started as she and Hitomi were looking through a rack of dresses in the mall. Hitomi only looked up from the other side and looked inquiringly at Yukari. "What's the deal with you and Van? Don't tell me you are actually falling in love with him?" She said.

Hitomi looked back quite surprised. She couldn't help but laugh. "What are you talking about?"

"Well you two seem a lot closer now. For the record, I'm not the only one who has noticed."

"Look," Hitomi started after shaking her head. "It may seem that way because he finally trusts me. He's an interesting person…a lot of mysteries and secrets…I'm finally understanding the reason behind the words…the style and the grasp it can have on people. It's impressive really how he could do that…although, he is still far from opening up his true potential as a writer."

Yukari looked at her best friend. "Ok let's rephrase the statement. Van has never trusted anyone after Dilandau, much less a girl. I'm no expert but I think someone is falling in love with you."

"Ridiculous." Hitomi answered, waving it off.

"Mark my words, my dear best friend, I am betting every last cent I have. I am right on this one."

"Whatever. That's not going to happen and like I said, ri-di-cu-lous."

XxXxXx

Van was staring at the blank document on his laptop. It had been blank for the past couple of hours. He still couldn't figure out what he was going to write about next. He knew that this was going to be his first project without having Hitomi as his editor anymore. He couldn't help but wonder what else could he write about? Over the past months, he had exhausted every possible topics and genres, mainly due to his bet with her. Now…his mind refused to work…

XxXxXx

"I still can't believe that she has leukemia." Dryden commented as he placed his bottle of beer down at the table. He, Folken and Allen were drinking beer and hanging out.

"Yeah. I know what you mean. She hid it so well. How could we all have known?" Allen answered.

"The question is," Folken started, the two men looked at him. "How could we have not known? We all saw her determination. Yukari did warn us that she would be different…delicate when she made that bet with Van. Yukari asked us to help her keep an eye on her. How could we have not put two and two together and realize that there was something wrong with the picture?"

The two men reflected on what Folken had said. It was true. It hit them when they realized that Folken was right. How could they have not known? Not all signs were covered up. It was there in plain sight and they still didn't get it.

"Anyway, we can't do anything about it now. She is fighting for her life and for that my view of her had completely changed. I think you will agree with me on this one. We all know that she is different since she never backed out on Van and went head to head with him. But doing that with what she has…I doubt that there is a right word to accurately describe it." Folken said.

"Yeah. What she did is amazing…simply amazing." Allen commented.

"You can call it amazing but I don't think that word does it justice." Dryden answered.

After thinking awhile, Allen said, "Let's do something for her."

"Like what?" Dryden asked.

Folken looked at Allen. He could guess what was going through his friend's head. He could tell what he was planning to do.

(to be continued…)

Hmmm…overly dramatic I think but it had to be this way. And well I'm planting the seeds to make everything come together…it's sad to say but the end is near and well you shall soon find it out with me. Thanks for reading this far. I do hope to hear from you. Thanks again.

Michiko