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Kelly stopped dead in his tracks not believing what he was hearing. A part of him wanted to keep on walkin, pretend he hadn't even heard it. But something else forced him to turn around and face the freezing cop who was being held by her partner, Jay's arms around her rubbing her own arms vigorously
"You wanna do this right here, right now? Sayin' somethin' you don't even… ahhh," Kelly wanted to punch something, a locker, a face, something. "We can talk tomorrow. Go home, Erin." He turned and walked to his car swiftly, Shay barely keeping pace, cursing under her breath.
Halstead led the frozen detective to his car and cranked up the heater. Even thawed out, Erin couldn't stop shaking. She saw this thing ending again. First time because she went ballistic when Kelly tried to protect her. Now, because she didn't do what she said she was going to do. Because she chose to be somewhere else other than with him. Looking at it now, she knew she hurt his feelings. That was the truth in all of it. She hurt him. What is wrong with me, she thought. Do I even know how to love someone?
Shay was silent in the car. Every time she started to say something, Kelly flatly said, "Still don't wanna talk about it."
He slammed the door at their place and stormed upstairs, hot shower being the only thing he wanted right now. The only sound…the water hitting him, no voices, no chatter, nothing but the water. His side was killing him, but the water felt good on it. He contemplated stayin in there all night.
Jay refused to just drop Erin off, insisting on coming in, making a pot of coffee. He needed to see that she was okay. He knew she wasn't, but he wanted to see her on the road to being okay before he left.
"You know you can tell me anything. We are partners. Some say that makes us closer than a married couple," joked Jay.
"You can leave. I'm fine, and there is no way in hell we are having some heart to heart right now. Thank you…but go." She opened her front door, turned around and headed straight to her bathroom, hot shower sounding like salvation.
"Okay, I'll just let myself out," commented Jay to himself grabbing a cup of joe for the road.
In the shower, Erin tried to come up with the right words to say to Kelly in the morning. Everything she scripted out didn't sound right.
"I was wrong, I should have called you."
"I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I do want to spend time with you."
"I'm dumb."
She became painfully aware that every statement began with "I" and that might have something to do with the problem.
She was more of a fly by the seat of her pants kinda girl, so she settled on saying whatever came to her. Hopefully, it would be enough. She didn't want it to end, that much she was sure of. When Kelly had been missing, when she saw him bloodied and broken by Vince Keeler's hands, she knew she felt something more than a sexual attraction. She loved more than those blue eyes, that devilish grin. She loved the way he always held the door open for her, the way he insisted on paying for dinner every time, the way he would do anything for the people he loved, almost to a fault, and the way he never thought of himself, always about someone else - Shay, his team, some young boy trapped in a burning building... her.
Sleepless night for everyone. Jay's face was hurting along with a side dish of his pride. He was used to getting what he wanted. Didn't happen tonight.
Shay kept peeking in on her best friend waiting for a signal to come in. It didn't happen. Kelly heard her every damn time, but kept his eyes shut. He finally gave up on sleep and quietly headed downstairs at about three.
Erin wanted to talk to Kelly and dreaded it at the same time. She drank the entire pot of coffee and was on a caffeine high by morning. At six she started thinking about calling. Too early she reasoned. At seven she thought it might still be a little too early. Eight o'clock and she texted, "you up?"
Coward's way out.
He called her back. Damn gentleman wasn't going to text back a yes. He called so she wouldn't have to.
"Hi, Kelly," she answered.
"Good morning," he replied out of habit. Nothin good about it, he thought.
"Can I swing by?" she asked.
"We'll have more privacy if I head over there," he suggested eyeballing Shay who was trying to garner some information.
Yeah, and you don't want your best friend to scratch my eyes out, she thought.
"Okay. Thanks, Kelly. See you in a few."
"I'm headin over there. We gotta do this Shay. It can't be left with how things turned out last night." He kissed Shay on the forehead, her hands holding his face.
"It'll be okay," she said. "I could wait in the car?" she asked wide eyed and pleading, small smile affixed to her face.
"Ha,Ha," Kelly chuckled. "Nah, I'll spill my guts when I get back."
Severide swung on his leather jacket and put his head down to brace for the cold. This winter would not back down, he thought. Perfect day for this.
Shay watched the figure of her best friend walk to his car and take off, feeling a hurt in her heart for him that made her want to make it all better. She picked up her phone.
"Come for dinner? Kelly needs us."
"You got it. Is he okay?" The response from Katie was immediate.
Shay couldn't text the crap that went down last night. With a deep sigh, she called Katie. This was gonna take a while.
Why the hell am I so damn nervous, he thought clamoring out of his car and up the stairs to the detective's place.
She opened the door before he even knocked.
"Kelly, I am sorry. I get it. I'm pissing away all of this " she threw her arms around him before he knew what hit him.
He felt his body relax as he hugged her back, feeling a wetness on his shoulder...her tears. It washed the last remnants of his anger away. That desire to kick Jay's ass was pretty much gone too.
"Ssshhh," he whispered. "It's okay. Don't cry," he murmured pulling her in tightly, ignoring his sore side and his sore ego.
Erin pulled away brushing her tears aside, shutting her door. She pulled Kelly by the hand into her living room, gently pushing him on the couch. She sat down next to him.
"No," she shook her head. "Not okay." She looked at his face and knew the words she said last night were true. She was falling in love with this man. No, that's not what you said, she thought. I am in love with this man.
"I told you before I don't know how to do this...this relationship thing. I made that painfully obvious last night." She stopped to look at him, to see if she should even continue. The small smile on his face encouraged her to go on.
"I suck at havin a boyfriend. I can barely say that word. But Kelly, I want you. I let Voight drive me to the restaurant. I don't know why. It's almost like I wanna screw this up. Ugh! I AM so screwed up!" Erin buried her face in her hands not knowing what else to say, so frustrated with herself...wanting to be someone else, not this girl. Not this girl who couldn't let a good thing happen. Who couldn't take someone's love and let it be. Always have to have the last word, be in control.
"I am a goddamn mess," she whispered face still down.
Erin could feel Kelly's arms around her, warm body pressed against hers. Instead of making her feel better, it made her hate herself more.
"Don't!" she almost yelled, pushing away. "I don't deserve this. Yell at me! Tell me I'm a bitch!" she was inches away from his face. She didn't see a trace of anger in his. "I don't deserve you." She said the last words so softly, they were practically inaudible.
"I think I got it all out last night," he said putting his arms around her again in a grip she wasn't getting out of. "Punchin something helped," he added hoping Jay's face was as sore as his side.
"Tell me I didn't ruin everything with us. Again. Tell me what you're thinking."
"I'm thinking I was jealous. Seein you with your arms around Halstead made me wanna kick his ass."
"I was giving him a fake choke hold...it wasn't a hug or anyth..." Here I go again, gotta get the last word. "Sorry."
"I don't know. I was more surprised than anything. I wanted to see you...more than anything else. I thought you..."
"I did. I do," Erin interrupted. "Sorry, go ahead."
"I shoulda never engaged with Halstead. Sorry about that. But I am gonna say that he wants something with you. Something more than cop business. It pisses me off."
Erin was quiet not having anything to say about that last bit. On some level she knew Kelly was right.
"I think I'm repeating myself, but let's give it a shot. See where this thing heads. I'm not gonna have expectations. If we can see each other, great, if we're busy, well..."
"No. I mean, that's not what I want. I do want you, Kelly. Not a casual thing, but an all the time thing."
"Since we're tellin the truth, I'm just gonna say it. I don't know if I can do that right now. I get so far in, when things end, I gotta dig myself out. Let's give it a little time and see where this thing goes. Okay?"
"Uh, yeah. I'll take that," said Erin smiling but feeling like on some level she'd lost a part of Kelly that she had before last night. She was getting it back. But for now, she said, "You still up for today?"
Kelly had forgotten this was the day they were supposed to spend together, the day he couldn't wait for.
"Sure. Let me check this first," he said pulling out his phone that was vibrating every thirty seconds. "Shay."
He texted something back.
"Katie's there. I need to go. Sorry," Kelly looked at the crestfallen look and felt a twinge of guilt.
Erin knew she'd blown it. She was now officially behind Shay and Katie in the lieutenant's priorities.
"You could come with me. I'm sure my sis is whipping up something good for breakfast or lunch or something."
"Are you sure?" Erin asked doubtfully a little afraid of facing two of Kelly's biggest supporters.
"Yeah. C'mon."
As soon as the pair entered, Erin thought maybe she should've called for backup. The eyes of the two women on her read murder. Her murder. She was pretty sure that if a death stare could work, she would be one dead cop.
"Hey, sis!" Kelly's eyes lit up as happiness swept over his face. He headed to Katie and grabbed her tight, lifting her up a little.
She laughed returning the hug and kissing Kelly on the cheek.
"Ah," he said under his breath putting her down, his side tweaked in a way that made it feel worse.
"What's wrong?" she asked smile replaced with worry.
"Nothing's wrong. You're here, right?" he said grabbing a bottled water from the fridge for Erin. He unscrewed the cap a little for her, and yes, she knew she didn't deserve this guy. The way he did thoughtful things like that without a second though...coming second nature to him.
I'm an asshole, thought Erin. Confirmed when she looked into the eyes of Shay and Katie.
"Hello, Erin," said Shay with Kelly's prodding eyes on her.
"Hi, Erin," said Katie a little less hostile.
"Hi. I hope it's okay that Kelly invited me," she said voice a little raspier than usual.
Silence.
"Sure it is," answered Kelly. "Katie can only cook for an army, and I smell something delicious in here," he said lifting lids and sampling every pan. Katie swatted him with a kitchen towel snapping it right on his butt.
"Ow! Who taught you that?" Kelly grabbed another towel snapping away.
They all laughed a little, the tension brought down to simmering.
Brunch was so quiet the clanking of forks on plates the noisiest thing at the dining table.
"You know it's good when no one's talkin," said Kelly getting up to pile on seconds. "Sis, you outdid yourself." The eggs Benedict was better than any Kelly'd ever had.
No one's talking because you brought the wicked witch of the west to breakfast, thought Shay.
"Thanks, Kelly. I could cook for you every day. I love that you love my cooking," said Katie smiling broadly at the huge second helping he had piled on his plate. "How are you? Really?" she asked growing serious.
"How are you? You feelin good? New York still a go?"
"I asked you first," Katie replied with the stubborn attitude of a middle schooler.
"I'm all good. Keeler hits like a girl," joked Kelly.
"You'd tell me if not, right?"
"Yep. Of course."
"Brian has been so great during all of this. I am still going to New York, but I don't want to talk about that today because I can't wait to open the restaurant, but I'm sad to leave everyone I love." She got up to take her plate to the kitchen and kissed Kelly on the head.
Erin didn't say much. She shouldn't have come. Kelly didn't say three words to her, focused on his sister. She was the third wheel. Make that fourth wheel. Maybe not even a wheel.
She was relieved when she got a text from Voight.
"Keeler made bail"
"Shit," she said aloud.
"What?" asked Kelly turning to her for practically the first time that day. He wasn't consciously ignoring her, wanting to spend time with Katie.
"Keeler made bail, finally. His deadbeat family must've scrounged together the cash. Voight put the squeeze on every bails bondsman to avoid him like the plague." Erin said putting her coat on, looking for where she out her purse.
"Voight should have put a bullet in him when he had the chance," she muttered thinking about the beat down her makeshift father and Olinsky gave the thug when they'd found Kelly. Yes, they should have finished the job then, thought Erin.
"Jesus, I don't even have my car. Can I get a ride back to my place?"
"Yep," answered Kelly kissing Katie on the cheek.
"Nope, you stay with your sis. I'll take her," replied Shay knowing her roommate was gonna miss the hell out of his sister. "I'll play nice," whispered Shay as she passed Kelly to get her heavy coat.
Severide looked at the detective doubtfully, eyebrows raised in a question.
"You okay with that?" he asked.
"Sure, why not?" answered Erin.
Uh, you might end up dead, thought Katie not envying Erin one bit.
"I'll call you later, let you know what's goin on. Katie, you stay here. I'm sending a squad car to park outside, just in case." She kissed Kelly on the cheek rubbing his arm a little on the way out.
Shay was already outside the door giving her an "I don't have all day" look.
Yeah, this was going to be a hell of a ride, thought Erin stepping out into the cold winter weather made a little colder by the icy stare of one paramedic.