Derek pulled into the hospital parking lot and groaned when he saw a familiar Jeep parked near the entrance. He was getting really tired of seeing that particular car in this parking lot. He'd be much happier with it sitting in the driveway of Stiles' house. Before he even left his own car he had pulled his phone out and made a call for some back-up. Then it was time to deal with Stiles. He approached the offending vehicle and rapped sharply on the window – stifling a laugh when Stiles jumped high enough in surprise that he bashed his head on the roof. Seeing Derek glowering down at him, Stiles slowly and sheepishly rolled the window down and prepared himself for the lecture he was about to get.
"Stiles, you were supposed to go home hours ago." Derek reprimanded. He took in the bags under Stiles' eyes and the mountain of fast food wrappers located on his passenger seat. Softening his voice – almost pleading for Stiles to listen – he continued, "It's been three days, Stiles. You need to sleep." Derek watched Stiles take another sip of his large triple shot coffee. Even with more coffee than blood running through his veins Stiles' eyes were drooping heavily and his whole body swayed slightly as he fought to even stay upright.
"Can't sleep. Have to keep an eye on the hospital. Sleep means people dying. Don't know about you but I don't want more people to die. I've had enough of that for one life time thanks." Slurred Stiles as he forced his eyes to stay open. After discovering that the next targets would likely be doctors or nurses, Stiles had parked his car in front of the hospital and refused to move. Scott's mom was in there and all her friends and coworkers. He couldn't stand even the thought of them not being safe. So he sat and he watched and he waited. A part of him constantly hoping that the Darach would never come – that this nightmare was over and everyone was safe - and another part of him hoping the Darach would show its ugly face so Stiles could finally feel like he was doing something to protect his town. Anything.
Scott and Isaac had been there too, whenever they could spare the time, and Derek always seemed to be around as well but Stiles was the only one who hadn't taken a single moment off. His entire body ached from too many hours crammed into a car and his stomach protested the sudden rise in junk food instead of his usual more healthy fare. After all he couldn't justify taking the time for real food when every moment he was gone was another moment that people were in danger.
Every time Derek had shown up it was with an even more concerned glimmer in the back of his eyes. His eyebrows drew together in frustration and he wanted nothing more than to shove Stiles over into the passenger seat so he could drive the man home. It was a special kind of torture for Derek; watching this man he was falling in love with push himself so hard. The amount of weight Stiles placed on his own shoulders was far too heavy a load for him yet no matter how much Derek tried to take some of it Stiles kept refusing to share. The stress of whatever secrets he was keeping was tearing him apart and all Derek could do was sit and watch.
He wanted to – ached to – be able to offer Stiles more than just friendship to help him through whatever he struggled with. He couldn't though. He wouldn't allow himself to be a part of Stiles' life as anything more than a friend. None of his feelings, his desire or his love could change that.
As a friend though, he was still allowed to care enough about Stiles to want him to be doing well so when Stiles was falling apart at the seams from lack of sleep Derek felt he needed to get the man home. "You missing a few hours to grab some rest won't hurt anyone," He insisted to the stubborn boy. Stiles opened his mouth to offer a tired protest but Derek cut him off. "I've called Jackson and Danny, they're going to be here any minute to take over for you so you can take a break. You're no good to anyone if you fall asleep right as an attack happens." That wasn't even a thought Derek wanted to consider. It was bad enough having Stiles in danger but having him in danger while half asleep was worse. Just because the psycho was aiming to kill healers didn't mean they wouldn't murder a nosy and barely alert detective who happened to stumble onto the scene.
For a few moments, Stiles still stared up at him with a defiant blaze in his eyes. Then slowly, the fire faded out of them and his body slumped. "You're probably right." He conceded. "I just… What if something does happen while I'm gone? It could be anyone. Scott's mom… She's like a mom to me too and if she got killed I'd never forgive myself. I can't fail more people, Derek. I definitely can't lose another mom."
A pained look crossed Derek's face and his hand rose, unconsciously seeking to comfort Stiles. He stopped a fraction of an inch from Stiles' cheek and forced his hand back down. Stiles' eyes had grown wide and just a little hopeful but when Derek retreated his face fell. It had been like this ever since Derek had let slip that he cared about Stiles. Derek had almost immediately started completely avoiding the topic but at the same time he was clearly struggling to not even touch Stiles.
It was like every time he was around Stiles he wanted nothing more than to act on his feelings but he kept holding back instead. Darkness lurked behind his eyes whenever his traitorous mind tried to let him be with Stiles. The younger man didn't blame Derek at all. Stiles understood completely why Derek didn't want to be with him. After all, he had made it perfectly clear three days ago. No matter how much it hurt to admit it, Derek had perfectly valid reasons to refuse his feelings. Still, his heart ached every time Derek drew away from him and pulled the mask down over his face again. It filled Stiles with frustration over the situation. He just wanted one thing to go right in his life and he had hoped it would be Derek. Instead he was screwing that up too. Like he did everything else.
His sleep deprived brain translated his frustration into anger and as he once again watched Derek retreat from him he snapped, "I'm not poisonous, Hale."
Derek flinched and took another step back. He hated the way his name sounded flying off Stiles' tongue in anger. It was only at moments like that Stiles would call him, "Hale," and the name seemed like a curse as it was spat out with venom. So he retreated, putting distance between himself and the anger that burned at him from the boy in the Jeep. His voice was quiet as it tried to placate Stiles' anger, "I know. I know you're not poisonous, Stiles. I just… I'm sorry." After a brief uncomfortable silence he added, "You have to get home. You need sleep."
Stiles grumbled to himself as he turned away from Derek and started the Jeep. He was about to throw it into reverse when his door opened and he turned furious eyes to Derek. "What the hell, Hale? I'm trying to go home. You know? The thing you told me to do. I'm doing it. Right now. Get the fuck out of my way."
"You haven't slept in three days. You're not driving." Derek's face was still guarded and he held himself as far away from Stiles as he could while still holding the door open. He ignored the twinge in the back of his mind that wanted to do whatever he could to erase the fury from Stiles' voice and replace it with happiness.
With an exaggerated groan, Stiles turned the car back off and grumpily slid out of it. His long lanky limbs protested the move as muscles stretched out of their cramped positions. This time when he groaned it was out of pain and not annoyance. He stumbled a little as his tired body tried to remember how to properly move. Maybe Derek had a point; he would have done no one any good in this state. Stiles pretended not to notice the way Derek had reached out instinctively to steady him. He also tried not to feel the burning emptiness he felt when Derek refused to go that last inch and actually touch him.
Instead of focusing on those feelings, Stiles focused on sliding into Derek's car and slamming the door shut to make sure Derek really understood that he wasn't happy about having to leave. He was grumpy. He was allowed to be grumpy. His life sucked right now. He was tired, he was overworked, he felt like he was fighting a losing battle on all sides and with no one for back-up. No one to help him out of this pit he was falling further and further into.
As Derek got into the driver's seat –with entirely too much grace for a guy as scowl-y looking as him should possess – Stiles took a second to remind himself that having no back-up was his own fault. He had someone beside him that wanted to help and he just kept rejecting it. That's why it made so much sense that Derek was refusing to allow anything to happen between them despite the obviously mutual attraction. Why would Derek want to be with someone who constantly lied to him? Especially seeing how his last relationship ended. Understanding Derek's point of view did nothing to ease the hurt Stiles felt as the silence between them continued to grow. It was far from a comfortable silence. It was a silence thick with feelings that had been squashed down viciously in self defense. A silence of anger and betrayal built up on all the lies between them. Thinking back to that day in the office Stiles wished it could all just be simpler.
– Three Days Ago –
"I'm not willing to just sit back and watch you die. I care too much about you."
The words had flown off Derek's tongue without a thought and Stiles took a second to fully comprehend them. His mouth kept going as he processed and when the unintentional confession finally penetrated the inner babble of Stiles' mind he stopped midsentence to clarify."– hang on… You care too much about me?" Now that the words were in his head they wouldn't stop repeating. Replaying over and over I care too much about you. I care too much about you. I care. About you.
Derek stuttered out a response as his face flushed and he looked away from Stiles. "I… Uh… Yeah… That is… Shit, I didn't mean to tell you like that."
I care too much about you. I care too much about you. Stiles' face split into a wide grin as he stated, "For the record, I feel the same." There was a beat of silence before Stiles started flailing his hands around and talking a mile a minute, "I mean, if you meant what I think you meant. I'm pretty sure you meant it as in you like me. As in like like me. That's kind of what it seemed like and I'm pretty sure I've gotten some of those signals from you lately. Which would be awesome. Cause I like like you too. But now that I think about it you only said you care about me and you may have just meant as friends. In that case this is really embarrassing and I'm sorry and forget I said anything. This never happened. I'm going to shut up and leave you alone now. Please don't let things get all awkward between us now."
"Stiles –"
"Shit, they're already awkward aren't they? I've messed it all up. You'll request a new partner and a transfer. You'll go back to New York and never think about Beacon Hills again. I've ruined everything. I have this fantastic five year plan to win you over and now it's all for nothing and I'm never going to see you again."
"Stiles –"
"Why am I so horrendously horrible at this? Can't I just like one person who actually likes me back? What did I do to deserve such shitty luck?"
"STILES!"
Finally, he was silent long enough to notice the fond smile on Derek's lips and the humor dancing in his eyes. Stiles froze as he pondered the man in front of him. Derek took a small step closer and Stiles forgot how to breathe for an instant. The next thing he knew they were kissing. Neither of them was quite certain who had initiated it but it was happening and they had no intention of complaining.
It wasn't like the movies where sparks fly and romantic music plays in the background but it was still pretty damn spectacular. Derek's arms were practically holding Stiles up as his legs turned to jello while his own arms tangled into Derek's hair.
Then just as suddenly as it had started, Derek was pulling away. Actually, not even pulling. He shoved away from Stiles and was on the other side of the office in seconds. His chest was heaving and his eyes were darkened with emotions Stiles couldn't place. Stiles stood still long enough to process the change and then as he let his arms drop back to his side he asked, "What the hell?"
Derek seemed to somehow pull away even farther at the words despite already being as far physically from Stiles as he could be. His fists clenched and his eyes lowered as he answered. "I can't do this. I'm not ready to do this again. Yes, I like you, but I'll be damned if I'm going to act on it."
His voice was a mixture of hurt and anger that made Stiles want to pull him closer. He wanted to take away whatever thoughts were running through the older man's mind that would cause those emotions. Stiles wished he could just reach out and kiss Derek until neither on of them could think of anything else. He suspected if he tried Derek would flee so he settled for quietly saying, "That makes zero sense. Derek. What's wrong with acting on this if we both feel it?"
It could be considered a step up that when Derek answered he was once again looking Stiles in the eyes, but the fact that they were now clearly filled with rage made it a shallow victory. "Because I can't trust you." He spat out. "Because look at what happened the last time I let someone in. You have been lying to me from day one; hiding things that I need to know about because you think you're doing the right thing. The last thing I want right now is another person getting close to me that I can't trust. I can't handle another Kate."
Stiles had no answer. What answer could he possibly give? Derek was right. There was no reason in the world that Derek should trust him and he had every reason to want to avoid entanglements with people he didn't trust. Guilt swelled thickly in Stiles' throat and his eyes burned with it. He nodded mutely to Derek and walked out of the office without another word.
Unfortunately letting the feelings go wasn't as easy as just walking away. It was like a switch had been flipped in both of them that just made them want to constantly touch, kiss, comfort, and love. Stiles fought it off viciously by remembering the pain Kate had caused Derek and the very real fear that Stiles' lies could be just as damaging. He ached to just beg Derek to trust him regardless of all the reasons not to but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Derek seemed to struggle just as much. He was constantly wavering between giving in and pulling away. He would let his defenses drop for a moment and then shove them right back up as soon as he realized what had happened. It was giving Stiles whip lash to be on the receiving end of the indecision. He knew that if there was ever a moment when Derek stopped fighting it he would be there happily waiting to be with him. But if that day never came, Stiles would die before he tried to force Derek into something he didn't want to do.
"Are you getting out of are you planning on sleeping in my car?"
Derek's exasperated voice cut through Stiles' memories and he flushed red. The look on Derek's face implied he had tried getting Stiles' attention a few times already. In Stiles' defense, he hadn't slept in three days. He wasn't exactly running on full right now. He made a show of grumbling as he clambered clumsily out of Derek's car and his spirits rose a little at the soft smile and eye roll that the exaggerated complaints got from Derek.
Yeah. Things were pretty bad between then right now. But there was hope. Maybe one day all the werewolf problems would go away and Stiles could finally stop lying to Derek. Maybe then things would all work out and for once something in his life could go right. There was nothing Stiles wanted more than a chance to prove to Derek that not everyone he liked was a repeat of Kate.
Stiles wanted the chance to earn Derek's trust instead of constantly driving more and more suspicion between them. There was also a small part of him that wanted to murder Kate for the permanent psychological damage she had done to Derek. Maybe without that he and Derek could have had a chance.
As Stiles slowly made his way to the front door, listening to the sound of Derek's car pulling away, he wondered if he would even be able to get any sleep. His mind seemed filled with voices telling him all the things that he did wrong and he wasn't certain anymore he could shut it off.
People are going to die because I'm not there to keep an eye on them.
Derek is going to get tired of my lies one day and he'll leave.
The Darach is going to win.
The bad werewolves are going to win.
No matter who wins… I'm always going to be the one to lose.
When his head hit the pillow, he fell asleep almost instantly to the thought; everyone I love is going to end up dead.
AN: I'm sooooo sorry. I got completely distracted by life. I've got the entire rest the fic written in draft form though so I'll have the last few chapters posted soon.