Chapter Ten
I hate hospitals. I know, the lot of people hate hospitals too, so I think I'm not the only one, who hates being in a hospital and I realize everytime I have to, that I hate them better than I imagined. There's a lot of things in my mind. Maybe I should have stop for a moment, and thinking about what am I doing at the moment, because although I know, it's the best thing I can do, I'm still afraid, that if Robin sees me again, it won't help. I mean... That small, really-really small, microscophic small piece of my heart is still dangerous. I still haven't get a sign I was waiting for. I'm walking across the floor, and I know, that every step brings me closer and closer to the moment which is going to be awkward. I don't know, I'm ready or not. I don't even know what would Barney say, if he sees me. If he ever will open his eyes. I'm afraid. I have never been so frustrated like now.
So this is the reason, why I'm not alone. When Becca offered to take me to the hospital I said immediatelly yes. I knew, that I'm going to need her help, need her company... I know, that I need her better then I've ever needed anyone else, and I'm very thankful, that she got the signs, and she didn't left me alone. I can't imagine what would happen, if I would be alone. Maybe I would turn back, leaving the hospital, and let my best friend (okay, maybe my 'ex-best friend') die... It sounds terrible!
It's the room 203. This is the room, where Barney is. We're arriving at the door, and I'm looking into Becca's eyes. I know, she'll to support me all the time, but I'm still afraid. I know, in some way it's a naturally feel. If I wouldn't feel anything, that means I don't care about Barney. Or anything else. It's a bad feeling, but without it I would be empty. I know, that whatever happens, Becca will help, but it's my war, not hers. The only reason, why she is here, that she wants to support me, that she loves me.
She loves me... - I think this word is incredibly complicated. Some people use it in every second moment, and if one of them says 'I love you', that won't mean anything. Some people have some afraid for the word, and for the meanings of the words, maybe it's okay, but I think it's not healthy too. And we use the word 'love', when we're speaking about our mother, father, siebling, love or friend. And it's meaning is almost different. I know, I'm too romantic, and I'm thinking too much again, and I know, that this is me, and I can't stop my brain. If I could, I will do it, but sadly (or fortunatelly, it would be weird) I can't. I know, Becca's love is different, than anybody else's love, and each people loves me in a different way. It's difficult, but also very easy to understand.
And I'm standing front of the door of the room 203, and I know, behind the door my friend is dying, and I'm thinking about the meanings of word 'love'. I'm a terrbile person.
I'm really terrible.
- You're still not terrible, Ted. - Becca says. - You choosed right, I think. - Okay, now I really can't understand. Is she reading my mind?
- Calm down, I'm not reading your mind, I just recognize your face when you're thinking bad things about yourself. - she says. - But to complete all the things... It's time to see your friend, am I right? - she asks, and than she opens the door.