Author: Raven Shadowrose

Title: To Catch a Falling Star

Rating: M

Pairing: Dixie/Hannah, Jeff/Emilie, ?/?

Summary: A sequel to The Ties That Bind. What will happen to the Holby paramedics and their partners when a traumatic event tests the bonds of their relationships and friendships?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Casualty, any dialogue from the show belongs to the writers and I claim no ownership. All original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for them to be used.

A/N: There will be some chapters in this story that may upset some people, a warning will be placed at the start of each chapter that contains sensitive/upsetting material. Reviews are welcome :)

Thank you to BeethovenRIP, DixieandJeff forever, cenalover, olivia. c. king1 and Sparkles and Rainbows for your reviews. I really do appreciate your support in writing this emotional story, your comments keep me writing :)

This was a tough chapter to write, there is some swearing and some people might find it a bit difficult to read due to the subject matter. If you feel the need to stop reading then please do.

Chapter Ten.

Dixie sat in her office, she had gone through with her plan of telling the other duty managers not to accept Jeff's offer of covering shifts for them. She had let them know a little about what Jeff was currently going through and why she had asked them not to give him any more hours. They had agreed to her request and it was only a matter of time before Jeff found out what she had done. He would be furious, he hated people interfering in his life. Dixie knew that it was likely that Jeff would have a go at her, she wanted him to. If he got angry then she could use it to her advantage, she could use it to get him to open up to her. Dixie remembered when Jeff had pushed her buttons during the IVF treatment, she had crumbled, all of her emotions had come pouring out. She feared losing Jeff to his depression, Emilie feared it too. The poor woman was at the end of her strength, dealing with Jeff had exhausted her. Sophia and John didn't know what their dad was going through, Emilie didn't want them to see him in such a state. Dixie agreed with Emilie, Sophia and John didn't need to see their dad in his current condition, it was better off if they were kept out of it. They were still young people, it would hurt them to see their dad as he was. Dixie sighed to herself, she was gambling a lot on getting Jeff angry, she needed him to open up to her. If he didn't open up soon then she risked losing him completely, it was not an option, she would not lose him.

Emilie was nervous, Dixie had limited Jeff's hours, he would be annoyed, he had already accused her of interfering in his life once before. He hadn't been happy when he found out that she had gone to see Dixie after they had argued. She knew that this was something that Jeff had to go through, he needed to experience all of the hurt and pain. Jeff needed to go through everything, he needed to cry, he needed to break down, and he needed someone to hold him as that happened. Being in denial wasn't helping Jeff, he was holding all of his feelings inside himself. It hurt Emilie to see Jeff in such a state, she wanted to help him through this difficult time. Every time that Jeff pushed Emilie away, every time that he came home drunk from the pub, she lost a little bit more hope. She wanted the man that she had fallen in love with back again, she wanted for him to open up to her, she wanted for him to let her in. Hearing Jeff say that he didn't want to marry her had hurt Emilie the most, she knew that it was because Jeff was struggling to see any sort of future for himself. She suspected that Jeff had post traumatic stress disorder, he was showing plenty of the symptoms that had been listed on the website.

Cyd knocked on Dixie's door, she wanted to talk to her, she had something that she wanted to get off her chest. She went inside when Dixie called out to her that she could come in. 'Hey Dixie, are you busy?'

'No, not at all, sit down.'

'I know that I haven't talked to you about what happened with Polly. Can I talk to you now?'

'Of course you can. I know that you've been seeing the hospital counsellor, how is it going?'

'It is going well, Ben has been helping me a lot.'

'Good, I am glad to hear that. You look a lot happier than you have in the past few weeks.'

'Treating Polly is the hardest thing that I have done. There was barely any time to think, it is like I was on autopilot. I saw how badly injured Polly was, I knew the bullets had done some serious damage to her internal organs. I wonder if I could have done more, if I could have done something different. Could I have been faster in my treatment of her?' Dixie just let Cyd talk, she needed to work through everything that was on her mind. 'I felt like my hands weren't working properly, it was as if the knowledge of what to do had escaped my mind, it was horrible. I stood at the doors of resus and watched everyone as they worked on Polly. I knew that it was bad, the look on Zoe's face said it all. I couldn't watch after that, I didn't want to see Polly in such a vulnerable state.'

'I'm going to say to you what I said to Hannah. What you did at the scene and in the ambulance on the way to Holby saved Polly's life. She is alive because of you, she has a chance at life because of your actions. I am proud of you, I hope that you know it.' Cyd smiled, talking to Ben and to Dixie had made her feel a whole lot better. 'Thanks Dixie.'

'You're welcome, any time you want to talk, come and find me.'

'I will.' Cyd found herself pulled into a hug, it pleased to her to know that Dixie was proud of her, that she hadn't let her down.

Jeff saw Cyd leaving Dixie's office, he started to make his way over there, he wanted some answers as to why everyone was telling him that there weren't any extra hours for him. He had looked at the rota on the wall, there were definitely a few empty spaces. Jeff knew that Dixie had something to do with it, he knew that she had said something. He went into Dixie's office without knocking, he didn't care if she got mad at him or not. 'Jeff, what's the matter?'

'I want to know why I can't have any extra hours.'

'I don't know mate, I think that they must be full on all of the shifts.'

'Come off it Dixie, I saw that they have a few spaces where nobody is working.'

'All right, I've asked for you not to be given any more hours. Jeff, you're exhausted, working all of these hours will lead to you making a mistake. I don't want you ending up in front of a tribunal, I don't want you to end up losing your job.'

'What business is it of yours?'

'I'm your friend, I'm worried about you. I just want to help you.'

'I don't want your help.'

'You might not want it, but you need it. All of this is eating you up from the inside, if you don't get help then you're going to drown under the weight of it all.'

'You think you have all of the answers, don't you? Perfect Dixie, just wants to help everyone.'

'I want to help you, you're my best friend.'

'You're an interfering bitch.' Dixie looked taken aback at Jeff's words, they had obviously shocked her. 'You've always been the same, can't keep your nose out of anything.'

'What did you just say to me?'

'You heard me, you're an interfering cow, stay out of my business.' Jeff saw that he had unsettled Dixie, he was wondering if he had gone too far, if he was about to incur her wrath.

Dixie felt her resolve waver, she hadn't been expecting Jeff to call her a bitch, he hadn't said anything like that to her in all of the time that they had been friends. She slowly curled her fingers into her palm, she had to stay strong, she had provoke Jeff into getting mad at her. Getting him to open up would be hard, Dixie asked for strength to keep her going through this trial. 'Jeff, getting angry at me won't help you. You're angry at yourself, aren't you? You think that you are to blame for what happened to Polly in the college.'

'Why do you have to bring that up?'

'I don't believe that you have dealt with it. I don't believe that you have worked through everything that you're feeling. I know that you're struggling.'

'So, what, you're going to tell me to go and see a counsellor, go and talk about my feelings with some kind of bloody hippy that will want me to look at bloody pointless pictures.'

'It would help you, it helped Cyd.'

'She's a woman.'

'Oh, so a man can't talk about their feelings with someone?'

'What would you know? You're not an expert on men, you're a bloody lesbian, unless you're the man in the relationship that you have with Hannah.'

'I might not be an expert on men, but I am an expert on you though. You're avoiding your feelings, you think that drinking and working yourself into an early grave is the mature way to deal with this.' Dixie chose to ignore Jeff's comment about her relationship with Hannah.

'You're as bad as Emilie, both of you think that you have the answers, you don't.'

'So, how would you deal with this?'

'Why don't you look at yourself Kathleen, you're the one that sent Polly into the college in the first place. You only sent her in there so your precious Hannah wouldn't be in danger, you didn't go in yourself, you sent a young woman in there to do the job that you should have been doing.'

'Are you blaming me?'

'Got it in one, it is your fucking fault that Polly got shot, it is your fucking fault that she is in a coma.' Dixie felt the colour drain from her face, Jeff blamed her for what had happened to Polly. She just let Jeff walk out of her office, him blaming her for Polly getting injured had hurt her more than any of the names that he could have thrown at her.

Jeff knew that he had done wrong in blaming Dixie for Polly getting hurt, it hadn't been her fault. He felt guilty, he hadn't meant to hurt Dixie like that. It felt to Jeff as if all he did was hurt the people that he cared for. He had been responsible for Polly getting shot, he had said some horrible things to Emilie that had made her cry. Dixie was his latest victim, how could he have blamed her for what happened in the college? How could he have said that she was responsible for Polly getting shot. He wanted to go to Dixie and apologise to her, he wanted to try and make it better. Jeff wasn't sure how he could make it better, he couldn't take back the words that he had said to both Emilie and Dixie. The thought that they were better off without him drifted through Jeff's mind, he just wanted to stop hurting the people that he loved. If he wasn't around then he couldn't hurt them. Jeff closed his eyes as memories from the college flashed before them, the flashbacks were happening more frequently now. He saw some of the students from the college, he saw Polly working and he heard her scream. Jeff wanted the flashbacks to stop, he wanted to numb the pain that his memories caused him, he just wanted it all to stop. He didn't want to feel anything, if only for a little while.

Hannah found Dixie in her office, she was sat in her chair and she was crying, her eyes were red from the tears that had escaped them. 'Dixie, what happened?' Dixie just shook her head and she wiped away some of the tears that had gathered in her eyes. 'Come here my love.' Hannah put her arms around Dixie and she let her cry. 'It's okay, let it all out.' Dixie was clearly distraught, something had obviously happened when Jeff had been in the office earlier. 'It's all right Dixie.'

'No it isn't. Jeff blamed me for what happened to Polly, he said it was my fault.'

'It wasn't your fault Dixie, nobody can blame you.'

'Jeff does. I stopped him from working extra shifts, he called me an interfering bitch and a cow and then said that about Polly.'

'Jeff is angry, he blames himself, he is lashing out at the people closest to him. I am certain that he doesn't mean anything that he said to you today.'

'He sounded like he meant it, he was so angry.'

'Come on Dixie, let's go and get the twins and then we can go home, I'll run you a bath and you can unwind and have an early night.'

'I need to talk to Jeff, I need to know that he doesn't blame me for what happened.'

'Okay, come on Dixie, we'll sort all of this out, don't worry.' Dixie gave Hannah a weak smile, she was very upset over the argument that she'd had with Jeff. Hannah knew that Dixie wouldn't relax until she had cleared the air with Jeff, until she knew that he didn't blame her.

Emilie was sat by herself, it was well past the time that Jeff should have come home, he was either working a double shift or he had gone to the pub. There were times when he forgot to call her and let her know what he was doing. She was very worried about Jeff, was it only a matter of time before she got a call telling her that he had been in an accident? Emilie jumped when the doorbell rang, she wondered if it was another taxi driver bringing a very drunk Jeff home. She opened it to see Dixie and Hannah stood there, Dixie looked sad, she had obviously been crying. 'Come in, is Jeff not with you?'

'No,' Hannah said. 'He had a bit of an argument with Dixie and then he left the station, we don't know where he is now.'

'I know where he is, he'll be in the pub.'

'I'm sorry Emilie,' Dixie said quietly.

'It's all right, it's not your fault.'

'Isn't it?'

'No, it isn't.' Emilie closed the door behind Hannah and Dixie. 'You'll have come to pick up the twins, they've had their usual naps and they have been fed. 'Thanks Emilie.'

'You're welcome, I love the twins, they are wonderful children.' Hannah smiled and Emilie helped her to get Thomas and Elizabeth ready to go home.

Dixie sat in the lounge with Emilie, Hannah had taken the twins home to put them to bed. She was going to wait for Jeff until he came home from the pub, she had to talk to him, had to know that he didn't really believe that she was responsible for what had happened to Polly. It hurt Dixie to think that her best friend blamed her for what had happened. Emilie kept looking at her watch, it was obviously something that she did on a frequent basis. Dixie heard the key scraping in the lock, she held her breath as Jeff staggered his way into the lounge, he had obviously had quite a bit to drink. Maybe now wasn't the best time to talk to him. 'Look who it is.'

'Jeff, I just want to talk to you.'

'Save it, I know you want me to forgive you, I won't, it is all your fault.'

'Jeffrey Collier, you stop this behaviour right now,' Emilie said sharply. 'Dixie is not to blame for what happened. You are wrong for talking to her in such a manner.'

'I see, you have poisoned my woman against me. Just what evil thoughts have you been planting in Emilie's head? You're against me, both of you.'

'I have my own mind, I can think for myself, now sit down before you fall down.' Emilie noticed that Jeff had started swaying on his feet, she was surprised when he did as she asked him to.

Emilie noticed that there was something wrong with Jeff, it was as if he had zoned out on both herself and Dixie. She cautiously moved closer and she noted that Jeff had started breathing quickly as if he was having a panic attack. 'Jeff, what's wrong?' He didn't answer her, he just kept staring straight ahead, it was as if he was alone in the room. Dixie moved to Jeff's other side and she put her hand on his shoulder. 'Jeff, mate, you're having a flashback, it's okay, I'm here and so is Emilie. I know that this feels real to you, but it's not. It's okay, we're with you. Take your time, try and breathe deeply.' Emilie took hold of Jeff's hand in her own, she felt his whole body shaking as he relived something that she couldn't see. 'Dixie, what do we do?'

'We just sit with him, he has to go through this. I know that this is distressing for you mate, I know that this is hard, but we're here with you.' Dixie whispered comforting words as she held Jeff's hand, he slowly started to breathe normally again and his body stopped shaking. 'It's over,' Dixie whispered quietly. Jeff still seemed unaware of his surroundings, he looked dazed and his eyes kept closing.

'It should have been me, I should have been the one it happened to.' Emilie was unsure of if Jeff knew what he was saying or not. She helped Dixie to lie Jeff on his side on the sofa, his breathing had returned to normal and it looked as if he had fallen asleep.

Dixie sat by Jeff's side, she checked his pulse and breathing, they had both returned to almost normal. 'Is he all right?'

'Physically, he is fine. Emotionally and mentally I am not so sure. Jeff has been through a lot, whatever he saw in that flashback clearly affected him.'

'What do we do now?

'We be there when he wants to talk to us, I think that he might open up to us now.'

'He said that it should have been him, that he should have been the one it happened to. What did he mean by that?' Emilie asked as she covered Jeff up with a blanket. 'I don't know, survivor's guilt perhaps. Jeff has come out of the college unharmed while Polly got hurt. I do know one thing, he's going to have a headache in the morning. I'll book some time off for him, he won't have to be in work in the morning.'

'Thanks Dixie, what will you tell them?'

'I'll just say that he is ill, that he has a stomach bug or something.'

'I don't think that he would want anyone to know, perhaps that is wise.'

'Keep me informed on how he is and if you need me to talk to him.'

'I will. How are you going to get home?'

'I'll take a taxi, the twins will be in bed, I don't want Hannah to have to come out and get me.'

'Okay, I'll call you one.' Dixie nodded and she looked at Jeff, no matter what he had said to her today, he was still her friend, she still loved him.

While they were waiting for the taxi, Emilie and Dixie gently woke Jeff up and they helped him upstairs and into bed. He fell back to sleep almost as soon as he was under the covers. Emilie had got herself ready for bed, she didn't feel ready to sleep, she just watched Jeff. The flashback had been frightening to watch, she wanted to reassure herself that Jeff was all right. Emilie listened to Jeff's quiet breathing, he was deeply asleep. She hoped that Jeff would open up to her, that he would let her in, she knew that he needed to talk to someone. Emilie got into the bed, she turned onto her side and then she kissed Jeff on the head. 'I love you, I promise you that we're going to get through this. I'm not going to let you go.' She watched Jeff for a few more minutes and then she tried to sleep, she needed to rest as she had work in the morning

Dixie wearily opened the door to the house, Hannah was waiting for her in the lounge, she went over to her and accepted the hug that was offered to her. 'Is everything all right Dixie?'

'Jeff had a flashback while I was there with him. He looked so scared, I was scared too, it was as if he had left this world for another one. The fear in his eyes was real, he was going through it again.'

'He needs to do this, he needs to heal, it is going to take time.'

'I know, I'm so scared for him Hannah. Jeff is my friend, I should be able to help him.'

'You will help him, when the time is right for you to do so.'

'I hope so,' Dixie whispered quietly.

'The only thing you're doing tonight is going to bed, come on Dixie.'

'Okay.' Dixie let Hannah take her upstairs to their bedroom, she was too tired and too emotionally drained to argue. All she wanted was to get into bed with Hannah and be held by her, she wanted the comfort of cuddling up to her wife and sleeping in her arms.