Chapter 10: Loneliness

…

As soon as Sakura had been certain Kakashi was gone, she swallowed her sobs, dried her tears and put on a neutral face. As fast as she could without running, she made her way to Tsunade's house. The entire walk, she suppressed any thought from developing in her mind. It took too long, as everything always did when she was trying her best to keep all her pieces from falling apart. Already as she knocked on Tsunade's door, her chest began heaving. Tsunade had opened the door, looked at the moon, then back at Sakura and finally let her in at the sight of her state.

Without a word, Tsunade led her to her couch and left to retrieve a blanket for her. While Tsunade left the room once more, Sakura wrapped herself in it and balled up in a corner of the couch. Soon enough, Tsunade came back with a cup of hot chocolate and placed it in Sakura's hands as she sat.

Twice before, Tsunade had gone through these exact steps. The first time had been when Sasuke tried to kill her, and the second when her father died.

For a while, they sat in silence. Wrapped tightly as she was in the thick blanket and sipping from her boiling cup, Sakura was too hot, but it was exactly what she wanted. Tsunade sat with her feet propped on the coffee table, patiently staring ahead. Briefly, Sakura wondered if Tsunade ever did this for herself. It was hard to picture her mentor, such a tough-skinned woman, perfoming something so homely.

"Kakashi asked me to marry him," Sakura finally said.

For a moment longer, Tsunade sat still, until she frowned and looked at Sakura. "Isn't that a surprise."

Sakura matched Tsunade's frown. "Shishou."

"What?" Tsunade chuckled, leaning her forehead on three fingers. "Did you think any man buzzes around a woman for a decade without pursuing something?"

Sakura stared down in her hot chocolate, stubbornly covering the redness in her cheeks.

"That being said," Tsunade added, much more serious. "I may break one of his legs."

"Shishou!" Sakura gasped, then shook her head. Tsunade's threat were rarely empty. "Please don't do that."

Tsunade watched her closely, but Sakura held her gaze without blinking. Finally, Tsunade sighed. While everyone avoided ever speaking about Sakura and Kakashi's relationship, Tsunade didn't shy away from it, just as she never shied from critiquing her marriage to Sasuke. A few times, especially when Sarada was but a tiny baby and Kakashi a new Hokage, Tsunade had come to her house to find Kakashi there. Without fail, she would give Kakashi the side eye every time, hovering close to Sakura as if to shield her. Sakura had never thought much of it - only wondered how Tsunade could ever think such ill of Kakashi.

"If his advances were so welcome," Tsunade said, heaving a sigh. "You wouldn't come to me crying in the middle of the night."

"That's not it," Sakura mumbled, loosening her blanket prison. "He was never inappropriate to me - " Under Tsunade's mocking gaze, Sakura paused briefly. "Not in that sense. Kakashi is always inappropriate, anyway," Sakura sighed. "That's not why I'm crying."

Tsunade folded her hands in her lap, sober. "Then what is so awful it makes such a wreck of you?"

Sakura hesitated. Walking here, she thought she knew why. Now, the words seemed to escape her. "I'm not sure."

Tsunade sighed, ever impatient. "I'll go and assume you said no."

Sakura nodded. "Why would I say yes?"

Laughing, Tsunade rolled her head back onto the couch's cushion, heaving a long sigh. "What a question."

With a pout on her lips, Sakura drank from her cup. "Stop mocking me."

"Fine, fine," Tsunade sighed. She pulled Sakura closer, one arm around her shoulders. "I don't know what you really feel for him. I've seen you both together so many times, and…" She shook her head, closing her eyes. "Maybe you never kissed or slept together, but you might as well have been an old couple already."

"What do you mean, an old couple?" Sakura muttered, leaning into Tsunade's side. "That makes no sense."

"Of course it does!" Tsunade said, rubbing Sakura's shoulder. "You bicker, you laugh, you cook and clean together - you're comfortable together as if you were born joined at the shoulder. It doesn't take a genius to see it."

Sakura paused. Tsunade was right, as she always was. There were many events that proved it and they weren't even hard for Sakura to remember or find. She had slept in Kakashi's bed a handful of times. Occasionally, she had slept with Ino in the same bed, but never with Naruto or Sai. Never had she sat on Naruto's chest with Icha Icha in her hand, nor asked him to read it to her. Neither did she rely on him to hold her when she cried. What she had with Naruto was friendship, and nothing else. They were brother and sister. Always there for each other, but not in the way that Kakashi was there for her. He provided more for her and Sakura always took it, sometimes offered it. Were she to imagine Sasuke in Kakashi's place, how everything would have played out was obvious. They would have formed a relationship a long, long time ago.

"I slept with him," Sakura admitted, avoiding Tsunade's eyes. "Before the divorce."

Tsunade's hand stilled on Sakura's shoulder.

"I feel so disgusting," Sakura choked out, a sob shaking her chest. Tears formed in her eyes, but they remained there for the moment. "I feel so awful. I even lied to Sasuke about it."

"Good," Tsunade said. "Letting him know would only have made matters worse."

"But that's awful!" Sakura said, looking up at Tsunade's stern face. "How could I lie to him?"

"Because you're a smart girl," Tsunade said, eyes on the bare coffee table. "There was nothing to be gained so you didn't say it. However, you had something to gain from sleeping with that bastard."

"It sounds even worse said like that…"

Tsunade laughed. "We're humans. We're awful things."

"I enjoyed it," Sakura said, turning distracted eyes on Tsunade's painted nails. "A lot. It made me feel good. Like someone cared for me. I… I didn't worry with him. Sometimes, I felt guilty, but… I keep going back to him because being with him feels so easy. Because we are close. I never want to lose him. I didn't need to sleep with him, but I did. I wanted to. I tried to convince myself it was only because I hadn't had sex in years, but I know that's not true anymore. It wouldn't have happened so many times if it was."

"Then why did you say no?" Tsunade asked, resuming her vigorous rubbing of Sakura's shoulder.

"That's a stupid question," Sakura chuckled. "Marrying him isn't the same as being with him. And you didn't hear him ask me. Because it made sense, he said, financially and otherwise! It was so ridiculous. It's like he thinks all he needs is to pay for everything I can't afford and to fix my problems. I don't want someone to fix my problems. I can fix them."

"Of course," Tsunade said. "But I doubt that's really what he meant."

Once more, Tsunade was right. Sakura had focused on that part because it saved her from having to consider everything else. "It was an awful proposal nonetheless. I'm barely just divorced. I'm so far from having found my footing and there he goes, pushing me into things I haven't even had the time to think about yet."

Tsunade hummed, listening but hardly reacting.

"I want what I always wanted. I want to feel the butterflies in my stomach again, to feel like I'm someone's entire world, I want… I want a romantic relationship," Sakura said, eyebrows knitted together. "Not just a partnership. I want someone who will give everything for me. Who will make me feel truly special."

After exhaling a long breath, Tsunade squeezed Sakura's shoulder. "You've always reached for the moon."

"What does that even mean?" Sakura muttered, swallowing the last of her hot chocolate.

"It means you've always had everything you wanted handed to you," Tsunade began, "but it was never enough. You had the best teachers, the best opportunities, but you wasted it all after all. You had your childhood love - and it was obvious how that was going to turn out - but you still went for it and now you're paying the price because you asked too much of him. Now you've got yet another man who's head over heels for you, but he's not good enough. Because he won't do all the bullshit you like."

Lead in her stomach, Sakura stared at the blanket's loose threads.

"Do you really think you'll have butterflies a year into another relationship? You're not an idiot - you know the honeymoon ends quick. You're a liar, too," Tsunade laughed. "You had them with him, I know. You just don't want to admit that. Or accept that that part is over and now you're in the boring stage. But it's the best stage." Tsunade looked ahead as she sometimes did, eyes filled with ghosts that would haunt her forever. "I had it once. And it slipped between my fingers, like his blood did."

Sakura wrapped her arms around Tsunade, but she never responded to it. While Tsunade would comfort her, she would never accept it from Sakura.

"I'm sorry, shishou," Sakura whispered.

"It's okay," Tsunade said. "It was a long, long time ago."

"You think I should marry him, then?" Sakura asked, searching Tsunade's eyes for guidance. "You think it's a good idea?"

"It could be much worse," Tsunade said quietly. "You're the only one who can really answer that, though."

"I don't know if I can," Sakura said slowly, pressing her cheek to Tsunade's shoulder. "There's so many things that… Do I even really want to be married again? Maybe it's just timing. I thought I would be free for a time. But then again, Kakashi will never ask me to be a housewife. He'll let me do anything I want. But do I want that? I can't tell anymore. I feel like I want to be eighteen again, but I'm not, am I? And what if I do that for a time? Then it would be awful to go back to him when I'm done. It's selfish."

"It is," Tsunade said. "You have to choose anyway."

"Then what will it be like when we're married?" Sakura continued. "We'll just move in together and everything will be the same as before? Why even get married, then? But that's selfish, too - I only think this way because he's given me everything without asking for anything. And I'm scared - what about in twenty years? I'll be old, but he'll be much older. I'd like to think we still have many good years ahead of us."

"You're really obsessed with that moon," Tsunade laughed. Sakura grumbled, but Tsunade ignored it. "All I can say is I would give anything to have what you have. But then again, if I hadn't lost it, maybe I wouldn't value it so much. We're shinobi. Nothing in our lives is meant to last."

For a long time after that, they remained silent. Sakura's heart felt empty, all feelings poured from it and now much lighter. Though she was without an answer, the previous confusion and panic had left her, which was as much as she could hope for for the night.

…

Sitting in the kitchen, Sakura carefully wrapped the remaining picture frames. The album she had wrapped first, because it seemed simple and easy. One sheet, a piece of tape, and away in a box it went. Some day soon, hopefully, she would take it out again and be able to peruse it at leisure. The picture frames required more work - two sheets and three pieces of tape. It shouldn't have taken such time or effort, really, but Sakura couldn't help but pause at length for each picture she prepared to store away. Most of them were of Sarada, or Sarada and Sakura herself. A handful had been of Sasuke. Fewer included Kakashi, which was odd, Sakura realized, considering how present he had been in her life. The difference between the pictures that featured Kakashi or Sasuke were night and day. In each one, Sasuke was alone, save for their wedding picture, and he always wore a stern face. Kakashi, on the other hand, was always together with Sarada, because Sakura took the pictures. In a single one, he was together with Sakura, when Hinata had spotted them shopping together. Neither of them had realized they'd been spied on until Hinata had handed Sakura the picture, carefully boxed and wrapped into a neat present. Upon opening the gift, Sakura's cheeks had immediately flared up. The longer she stared at the picture, though, the more heat travelled down to her chest. It was entirely innocent. Kakashi was carrying half the groceries and they were both looking at each other, engrossed in a meaningless conversation. Even now, fingers brushing on the smooth glass of the frame, Sakura felt the same warmth bloom in her chest. It was the simplicity of it that turned Sakura upside down. They didn't look especially happy, much less in love, but at ease. Mundane. Back then, seeing this, Sakura had felt happy, happy that there was a being on this Earth who made her feel so light in such a heavy world.

With a sigh, Sakura finished wrapping it and placed it in the box besides her. There was no such lightness now.

Lead weighing her eyelids down, Sakura continued her work. The rest of the pictures were all of Sarada. A month and a half later, Sakura still had received no news of her. No news was good news, she repeated to herself, but it eased none of the worry that burned in her heart. Sasuke was strong, she reminded herself, incredibly strong. Sarada couldn't be anything but safe with him.

Today, the real estate agent had shown the house to a young, expecting couple. From a distance, Sakura had watched as they entered her house, and then left it. The woman was pregnant, though not heavily so, but her hands still clung to her belly most of the time. Sakura remembered being pregnant so, how she would constantly think of her coming baby too. It was hard to forget, sleeping and kicking in her womb. Humming to herself, Sakura brushed a hand over her stomach. She hardly ever gave it much thought, but she did long for another child. She was too old now, though, so she didn't dwell much on it. Her window was closed and there was nothing to do about it.

They were very interested in buying, had said her agent. They would most likely put an offer down within the following month. A few potential buyers had been in and out of her house, but none of them had seemed quite as promising yet. Sakura didn't know how to feel about it, so she felt nothing instead. The sooner the sale was closed, the better, but still Sakura didn't try to hurry the process.

All of it was bittersweet, if anything. It was much like finishing a book or a long project, Sakura thought. There was relief and satisfaction from closure, the excitement and anticipation of a new start, then the dread of leaving something behind forever, of no more coming back to the comfort of a place well-known. This, too, Sakura tried not to dwell too much on. There was no other choice but to go through with it and put on foot in front of the other.

Sakura chuckled. There were many subjects she avoided dwelling on lately. The patients that died. Her exhaustion after an excruciating day. The constant desire to cry. The anticipation of what lay ahead in her life. Finances. Sarada. Everything she was leaving behind. Then Sarada, again. Sasuke. Even Tsunade, too, Sakura worried about. Inhuman as she seemed, Tsunade was human. And humans didn't live forever, most of all ninja. There was Kakashi, too.

Sakura had yet to see him again. She had been careful to avoid all things associated with him and his habits, such as the training grounds at his usual schedule or the curry shop near his apartment that they both liked so much. Kakashi, too, must have been avoiding her. Had he sought her out, she would have had no choice but to face him. He still had the key to the house. Sakura made a mental note to retrieve it from him after the sale of the house, lest he invade strangers' privacy.

Sucking in a deep breath, Sakura glanced up at the clock, forgetting it wasn't there anymore. Instead, she dug her cellphone out from her purse and checked the time. Figuring it was a decent time for dinner, Sakura dialed Ino's number. She didn't want to be alone tonight. After seven rings, Sakura gave up. Ino must have already been preparing dinner for her family. Tenten's number was the next she tried calling, but it didn't even connect. Her phone must have run out of battery. She tried Shizune, too, but Shizune was already having dinner. Sakura thought of asking Naruto, but then decided against it. They were alright when surrounded with other people, but she didn't want to be alone with him. He would no doubt think of Sasuke and blame the divorce on himself. Sakura felt heavy enough already.

After a moment's thought, Sakura began searching her list of phone numbers for Shikamaru's cellphone. She thought she recalled saving his number after he was assigned as Sarada's sensei - there it was. She hesitated, then dialed it. Just when Sakura sighed and pulled the phone away from her ear, Shikamaru's voice came through the speaker. Surprised, Sakura greeted him. After all the amicable small talk Shikamaru could muster - which was next to nothing - Sakura reminded him of their agreement to meet again for dinner. Shikamaru took a time to answer, and Sakura was certain he would decline as well, but he then agreed, telling her to come to his house again since she was most likely packing her kitchen. Brittle smile on her lips, Sakura said she would be there soon.

Sakura gave a liberal meaning to soon. Her first intentions had been to leave right away, but then she doubted if it wouldn't be rude or strange to show up so quickly, so she went to her bedroom and killed time by applying makeup. Afterwards, she had gone through the outfits in her closet until she found one satisfying. It was an old dress, but Sakura was still fond of its light sky color. With a twirl, she watched herself in the mirror besides her closet. It was a bit short to her liking - a product of her frivolous and over enthusiastic teen self - but it still fit her nicely. It was modest enough, she decided, thanks to its lack of any cleavage and cute short sleeves. Figuring she had wasted enough time, Sakura shoved her feet in her favorite white heels and pulled her hair into a loose bun. Throwing her reflection in the mirror a last long look, Sakura smiled. She ought to cut her hair, she thought, but it would have to wait.

Finally, Sakura was at Shikamaru's doorstep. She should have asked that he pick her up, she thought with a huff, and then knocked on the door. It was the least he could do to apologize for his prior rudeness.

Shikamaru was quick to answer the door and they exchanged banalities before he invited her inside. Once they were off her feet, Sakura's gaze lingered on her heels. What a shame it was to wear such pretty shoes only to take them off before anyone could see them. Slippers on her feet, she followed Shikamaru to the kitchen.

"Are we by ourselves again?" Sakura asked, standing by his side while Shikamaru searched the insides of the fridge. "Is Temari still away?"

"Temari will be in Sand for a while," Shikamaru said, pulling out the ingredients that interested him. Sakura hummed. Every now and then, Temari would leave, sometimes for a few months at a time, to visit her brothers and for official missions in her home country. "Shikadai went with her."

"How does that work?" Sakura asked, a finger on her chin. "Temari never did become a Leaf citizen, did she?"

Shikamaru shook his head. He handed Sakura a knife and pushed the cabbage on the cutting board. A pout on her glossy lips, Sakura began chopping it. Shikamaru instead worked on the cutting fatty pork. "She didn't. Shikadai is a Leaf citizen exclusively - on paper - but we thought it would be good for him to know of both sides of his roots."

"It is." Sakura nodded. "Don't you get lonely without them, though?"

Shikamaru shrugged. He began chopping other vegetables. "Not really. I know I'll see them soon enough. I'll be happy when I see them. Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Sakura finished with the cabbage. "So they say."

Also done with his task, Shikamaru began preparing tea. "When absence is within reason, of course," he said, motioning towards the table. "Have a seat. I'll handle the rest."

Sakura sat, slinging one leg over her other knee. From behind, she watched Shikamaru throw the vegetables in a pan together with oil. "I never thought you much of a family man," she said, leaning her back into the hard wood of the chair. "I'm not really surprised you enjoy time by yourself."

Shikamaru only hummed in response and added noodles into his pan.

"I like yakisoba," Sakura said to fill the void, bouncing one ankle up and down. "Do you have mayonnaise?"

While the noodles cooked, Shikamaru poured them each a cup of tea as he nodded. "You're one of those people."

Sakura took her cup from his fingers when he handed it to her. His fingers were smooth, Sakura noted, much unlike Kakashi's or Sasuke's. "What do you mean?"

From behind his cup, Shikamaru smiled. "One of those who must drown everything in mayonnaise to find it palatable."

Scoffing, Sakura spun on her seat to face the table instead. "Maybe you're the one who has bad taste."

With a hum, Shikamaru put his cup down on the table and returned to his cooking. Sakura sipped from her cup a few times, then put it down by Shikamaru's. Before long, he served dinner and a bottle of mayonnaise for her. She reached for her cup of tea, but hesitated, realizing she wasn't quite sure which one of them was hers. Shikamaru picked one before she decided on which to take and sat down to his own plate. When he drank from it, Sakura saw the stain of her lip gloss on the rim, but didn't say anything. Instead, she drank from his cup and then added mayonnaise to her yakisoba.

Swallowing her first bite, Sakura hummed. "You're a good cook."

Shikamaru only gave a quick nod, chewing. "So, how have you been? It's been a little while since our last dinner."

"Oh, um." Sakura uncrossed her legs, sitting a little straighter. "Okay, I guess, all things considered. I'm still an intern at the hospital."

Under Shikamaru's examining eyes, Sakura shrank a little, eyes scurrying to the side.

"That's a vague answer," he finally said. "Is that really all you have to say?"

"I'm sorry," Sakura said, frown on her face. "I didn't realize this was an interrogation."

Shikamaru reclined in his chair, cup loosely hanging from his fingers. "It's not. You can say whatever is on your mind, though."

Sakura hesitated, running the tips of her fingers around the rim of her cup. It was hard to tell what Shikamaru had in mind. On one hand, she could well see him gathering all the information he could in order to be able to use it against her - yet, she doubted he would ever actually use any of it. Shikamaru simply liked to gather knowledge and information.

"I got divorced, my daughter left," Sakura began, eyes looking up as she recalled all the event of the past two months, "my husband probably hates me, my job hasn't changed, Ino is mad at me but won't say it… I was proposed to. Is that precise enough?"

Shikamaru hummed, sharp smile on his thin lips. "Not quite, but it will do. What shall we discuss, then?"

The corners of Sakura's lips fell. "Why should I tell you anymore?"

Shikamaru gave a shrug, eating another bite before he answered. "If you hadn't wanted company and someone to talk to, you wouldn't have come here."

Shoulders drooping, Sakura forced another bite of her food into her mouth.

"You don't have to say a word," Shikamaru added. "You can, though."

After a pause, Sakura put her fork down. She wasn't hungry anymore and there wasn't much on her plate left anyway. Shikamaru did the same, though he was already done. "I never thought I'd get divorced," she sighed. "It seemed impossible, until suddenly that was all I could think about. I think Ino is more angry about it than she'll say to me. She said it was okay, as long as I was happy, but I don't think she takes it so lightly. I know that's not how she is. There a lot of things that terrify me about the divorce."

Sakura glanced at Shikamaru, but he only stared at her in silence.

"It feels like I've lost this big part of me - one I thought was immutable. But it wasn't. What else will change if that could change? And I'm afraid of what everyone is saying behind my back. Ino knew about my divorce before I even told her. I shouldn't care so much, I know, but it still scares me. I'm scared what my daughter thinks of me. I love her more than anything in the world. I don't think I could bear it if she hated me. She'll understand, someday, maybe…"

"She'd be right to hate me," Sakura continued, watching the ripples in her tea. "I slept with another man. I was still married, too. I hardly even feel guilty about it. If there's one thing I've done for myself and myself only, it'd be that, I think. I didn't even think of how he would feel. Isn't that awful?" Shikamaru gave no answer, so Sakura sighed. "I've been thinking of all I want. For several months, now. I called Sasuke three months before he came and that's all that's been on my mind since. What I want. What I've missed out on. So I got a job, slept with another man, went out to restaurants and bars…"

"I don't know if I thought that would fix my life? It didn't. I thought it did, I think. I felt good, for a while. I liked the freedom. But I hurt a lot of people for that freedom," Sakura continued, fingers slipping in the handle of her cup. "I don't think I even really realized it… I felt fine. I kept myself busy, so I was fine. But all it takes is one drop for the vase to overflow, right? Now I don't feel like I'm even a step away from where I was before. I'm still stuck in the same place." Sakura looked at Shikamaru again. He was patient, unmoving. She liked it, Sakura thought. Like a solid rock. "You know who I'm talking about, don't you? You're smarter than everyone else and I'm sure you hear more of the whispers in this village than you let on. You wouldn't have looked at me twice otherwise. Maybe I should just come out with it already. It was Kakashi. Of course it was Kakashi, right?" Sakura laughed. "It's the kind of thing that's so close to your face you don't even see it."

Sakura paused for a moment. Her cheeks and eyes were dry, she noticed. She didn't feel any tears coming, either. The words just poured from her throat, but she found she didn't mind so much. She'd had enough of carefully selecting what she showed to everyone. They saw what they wanted, anyway. Or she slipped up somewhere and they glimpsed something she hadn't meant to show. What was the use in hiding?

"He asked me to marry him," Sakura continued, wondering if she ought to stop. Shikamaru looked neither bored nor annoyed, so she didn't. He wanted her to talk. "It was stupid, really. I'm selling the house - but you knew that much, you said so on the phone - and he said if I married him, I could keep the house. I blew up on him. I haven't even talked to him since." Sakura breathed in deeply. "I'm still angry at him, actually. He just shattered whatever little fantasy I had about my life. No, everything is not okay. I'm still a mess. I haven't fixed anything yet. Sure, I feel a bit better, freer, but… It doesn't change that I have nowhere to live once I sell the house. That I can't decide what to do with him. That my daughter isn't with me, or even that I barely have a penny to my name at my age - "

The ringing of her phone startled Sakura. She fumbled with it, then frowned when she saw the estate agency's name on the screen. She gave a quick, apologetic look to Shikamaru and he nodded, so she answered the call. On the other end, her agent greeted her with what felt like a screech and was quick to tell Sakura that the couple that had visited had put an offer on the house.

"Already?" Sakura said, frowning. "At this hour?"

"Yes," the agent said, almost squealing. "They just loved it and they were afraid it would sell if they waited. Isn't this just marvelous? They offered only five percent under asking price, too. They really want it."

"Yes," Sakura said after a pause. "That's marvelous. I'm in the middle of a dinner with a friend, though, so could we discuss this tomorrow?"

After several apologies, the agent hung up, wishing her a great night. Sakura stared up at Shikamaru. He had a hint of a smile on his face now and Sakura couldn't help but scowl. Then, after taking a moment to process it all, Sakura smiled, too. Eyes staring into her lap, she smiled to herself. Perhaps the sale of the house was a step in the right direction. If she wanted closure on her previous life, this was it. This was the end of a chapter in her life.