A/N: I know, I know, I lied. I said it would be soon but it was longer than ever. The fact that I'm writing this implies that people actually keep up with this fic, which I suppose is kind of arrogant but hey, who's anyone without some degree of over-confidence. Anyway, I hope you like this new one, it was hard for me to write I don't know why, but it was. Listening to French Rap, then some talk show about work (I don't know I'm not fluent) really wasn't good for the creative process I'm thinking. If you think I wimped out, let me know, but if you liked it, likewise. I will be going into detail the night of their "changing experience" but a friend of mine is going to help me write it, so until he gets his act together, I can't, unless I decide to write it on my own, but I think he'll help me. Don't you just love it when the author rambles on like this, I sure as hell do. As soon as school slows down I'll write more fic and less rambling crappiest of crappy stuff. Okay I'm stopping, but first I have to remind you to review, because hey, that's why I'm here.
Disclaimer: No way on God's green earth J.K.R. would write something this shitastic, but the characs are hers.
***
Severus Snape paced around his potions laboratory, unbuttoned robes billowing behind him. His arousal had faded the moment he looked into her eyes and now he couldn't think of anything but the emptiness that consumed him in that instant. He had succeeded in making her want the emotional torment he lived with everyday. The absence of Lucius' nagging was actually irking him just as much as if it were present. He'd grown rather accustomed to it, and now more than ever he wanted company but didn't trust himself with anyone at the same time. He couldn't wallow in this self-pity now, he had to figure out just what in the hell he was going to do.
There was no denying that he wanted her. Badly. His body, mind, and even the mildly clean portion of his soul wanted to be with her always. The mark on his arm and Lucius' voice in his head wanted her in a completely different way. It wasn't really her physical, or even mental being they wished for, they wanted to possess the part that made her human, to take everything in her spirit and crush it until she was a lifeless zombie only existing for their amusement. He couldn't say that he didn't love the way it made him feel when the mark burned, took over for him completely, allowed him to float along on a wave of pure and unadulterated ecstasy. It was the after-effects that made him wish for death or even pain to kill the memories. He'd lost faith in all mankind, wizard, witch, and muggle alike, long ago. When he discovered the capacity everyone had to hate, and the horribly cruel yet perversely satisfying way they could exact revenge or demonstrate dislike, he lost all hope in good prevailing. He was physically sick the first time he felt the rush, but while it was happening he was loving every second, and the thing that hurt the most was the fact he wasn't the first, and would definitely not be the last.
***
Hermione remained on his desk for a long time just listening to her own breathing as it returned to normal. She pulled her robes tightly around her as she sat up and looked around the disorderly state of the once meticulously organized chambers of Severus Snape. She sighed loudly and was angry to feel herself still trembling from the after-effects of her encounter with him. Harry and Ron would kill her if they knew what she'd gotten herself into. Again. She sighed again and this time it was a little less shaky. He was probably far worse off that she. When it came to Severus she had no dignity, but then he really didn't have much with her either. They'd seen each other naked in more than just a physical sense. The raw emotion she'd experienced with him was something no one else could provoke, and she knew he felt the same way, but there was something even stronger inside him that wouldn't let him feel all she gave him, not in the way she intended at least.
Finally, she rose from the table and smoothed her robes, buttoning them back up and gaining back the composure that had been thrown out the window. She decided to leave the room as it was and find Severus before he could close himself off completely. She reckoned that if she was fast enough he would still be recovering from their previous get-together and she would be able to catch him off guard.
She made her way to the laboratory hoping he would be predictable for once. Thankfully for her, he was. She pushed the door open quietly and found him pacing, muttering a curse here and there and occasionally sending a bottle flying across the room to smash against the far wall. Already, a small pile of broken glass was gathering in one corner. He glanced up in the middle of a rather vulgar phrase to see her standing there watching him, slightly amused, slightly afraid, most of all confused.
"I think we have both lost enough in each other's presence Ms. Granger. I would appreciate it if you would please leave."
"Don't you think we've done enough running away form each other to last a few life times. Please, Severus, don't do this to me again."
He looked at her for a moment, surprise, then rage, and finally submission passing over his features until finally he fell into a chair near a window, defeated. "I'm so sorry for all of this, Hermione. I never wanted any of this to touch you." He buried his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes with the heels of this hands.
Hermione made her way over to him and sat nervously on the chair opposite him, closer to the fireplace than the window. "I wasn't going to stay innocent forever, did you think my years as an auror had left me with no knowledge of Death Eater practices?"
He sighed loudly and sat back, his hands clasped in front of him, his expression grim. "As an auror you can come into contact with darkness, you may even be touched in a very intimate way by it, but never like what I've done to you. You're never betrayed in that way, the pain is different, and far worse in my opinion."
He looked so much older in this light, in the way his face hung with the weight of years and his sins piled high on his head. His eyes held not even a hint of amusement and his hands shook though she could tell he was trying to stop them. This was not the Severus Snape she had come to love and hate, this was a man defeated by his demons, and not really seeming to care.
Hermione moved slowly toward him and sat on the arm of his chair. He flinched slightly when she reached out to touch his face, brushing away a lock of raven hair from his eyes. "You hurt me, yes. But I've come to realize that you've hurt yourself far more." She saw his right hand clench into a fist, his eyes darting to the bandages there. She pulled his face up to look into her eyes. "That's not even the half of it," she sighed and brushed his cheek again, his eyelids fluttered and closed.
"Everything's so much more complicated than I imagined, Severus," her hand continued to stroke his face. His breathing was slow and he was more relaxed than she ever remembered seeing him. Her voice dropped to a whisper, "I thought you were playing games because you didn't trust me, because you hadn't grown up." He tensed when she mentioned games but she had slowed down then, her right hand coming up to rest on the other side of his face.
"Let me help you, let me purge that darkness in both of us."
He looked up, his eyes pleading, confused. "You-- you aren't--"
"I feel it too, Severus. I feel that lust for blood and sex and pain. We don't have to give into Voldemort, or this," she touched a hand to the faded mark on his arm and he pulled away in what seemed like an instinctual movement. Hermione moved his eyes back to hers and they stared for a minute into each other, communicating more then, than they ever had with words.
She leaned forward and touched her lips to his, hesitantly, waiting for his response before she preceded. He leaned into her and brought his hands up to cup her face. Her heart wrenched at the sight of him, his eyes pleading for redemption in her touch and his body warm under her own. Hermione had moved onto his lap and remained there kissing his face lightly, his eyelids, his forehead, temples, cheeks, lips. Their tongues moved together, for once free of lust and blood.
Hermione was the first to begin removing his robes but his hands soon mirrored hers on her robes. There on the floor, their robes between them and stone, he lowered himself trembling between her legs. Her hands moved from his face to stroke his chest and back. He kissed her again, there was such tenderness in it she felt that she might break him with any more enthusiasm.
"Hermione. . ." he gasped, she could tell he was trying to hold back just as much as she was.
She leaned up to kiss him again and buried her hands in his hair. "Don't stop now," she managed to get out before her vocal chords failed her. She grinned wickedly when he looked a bit surprised and urged him on wrapping her legs around his waist. He entered her and they both stopped breathing for a moment, reveling in the sensation before beginning to rock to a rhythm all their own.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered in her ear, his breath coming in short breaths.
"Shut-up, stop thinking about the past--" she was cut off by a moan that he echoed. "Don't forget this, Severus," she gasped, "don't ever forget what this feels like."
He was trying to hold back for her, but her moans and her words were making that harder than ever. He really did love this woman, he believed every word that came out of her mouth, and he would rather die a most painful death before he forgot how she felt beneath him begging for release.
"This. . . ecstasy, it can't. . ." whatever he was going to say was lost in his moans of her name over and over again and a few seconds later she was doing the same.
They lay there for a few moments, spiraling down from a high that had yet to be rivaled. Never had he felt such an incredible surge in his heart and soul before, and she couldn't describe in words what exactly had transpired because it had been like nothing before.
He rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around her his face buried in her hair, their breathing becoming regular together. He wrapped their robes around them both and cast a fire in the fireplace with his wand not particularly interesting in leaving that place just yet. She seemed to be fine with that and moved closer to him pulling his arms more firmly around her.
He waited until her breathing slowed and watched her eyes close. He kissed her temple and smiled, Krum had made a huge mistake, but he wouldn't allow for any changes now. He noticed the mark, burning only slightly, the pain almost insignificant compared to his level of contentment, but it still reminded him, and the wounds on his arms would take time to heal, just like those still on both their hearts.
"I would tell you I love you if I wasn't so afraid of hurting you even more," he whispered. Settling down next to her, he kissed the back of her neck and allowed sleep to take him.
"I love you too, Severus."
"Only When I Lose Myself"
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
Something beautiful is happening inside for me
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
I feel hypnotized, I feel paralized
I have found heaven
There's a thousand reasons
Why I shouldn't spend my time with you
For every reason not to be here I can think of two
Keep me hanging on
Feeling nothing's wrong
Inside your heaven
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
I can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear
There's a feeling of contentment now that you are here
I feel satisfied
I belong inside
Your velvet heaven
Did I need to sell my soul
For pleasure like this
Did I have to lose control
To treasure your kiss
Did I need to place my heart
In the palm of your hand
Before I could even start
To understand
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
("Only When I Lose Myself"; Depeche Mode)