Chapter 10: The Reunion

Link stands in the Faron Spring as he struggles to wash out all of the acid, purple slime, and monkey saliva out of his cap and tunic. He squirts out some lilac-scented shampoo that he stol...borrowed from Ilia's bathroom and runs his fingers through his vibrant blond hair, stopping for a moment to marvel at his nice, smooth, muscular... I'm going too far with this, aren't I?

Link: Why does this stuff have to be so sticky? I want to rest for a moment.

Link tries to curl up, but it doesn't feel quite right. It takes a moment for him to realize he isn't a wolf and lies down on his back, closing his eyes.

- One Half Hour Later -

Midna: Get up! Get up! Why do I have to deal with such a lazy hero? (stops for a moment to plop a doughnut in her mouth) GET UP!

Link is jostled by her voice and jumps out of his position.

Link: Oh my gosh Midna, I just had the strangest dream! A talking tree died, some Gorons tried to give me a death hug, and I GOT ENGAGED TO A Q'ING FISH!

Midna: Let's count the number of references to Ocarina of Time that we've had in this story...

Link: Alright. Let's go.

- One uneventful trip through Faron Woods later... -

Link: I finally get to go out of the forest.

Link glances over his shoulder and notices some unexpected company. That is, the SFX guy beat boxing while playing the Hyrule Field music on the oboe. Link responds to this by snatching the oboe on a rather squeaky concert D and jamming it into the SFX Guy's...area. He then punches SFX Guy in the gut, rendering him unconscious.

Link: How does this guy keep following us? He's always as good as new every single time!

Postman: (nasally) HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

Link: Hey! I was trying to rant!

Postman: Mail for Mr. Link.

The postman pulls out twenty envelopes and hands them to Link. Link looks through the letters and sees that most of them are from obsessed fan girls who want to marry him or know about his relationship with Ilia/Zelda/Midna.

Link: Stupid shippers.

Postman: Onward to Mail! (leaves)

After an incredibly short walk through Hyrule Field, Link spots another ornate Wall of Twilight in his path.

Midna: You want me to let you in?

Link: Here we go again...

- Inside the Twilight -

Link: Hey! That looks like Talo's wooden sword! It even smells like it. Eww...

Midna: Now that you know his scent, you can follow it and possibly find him and the others.

Link: That makes sense.

Midna: No duh. Lead the way, doggy-bro!

Link: Don't call me that. And I want a tennis ball.

Midna: No comment.

Following the youngster's scent, Link is suddenly caught off guard when three Shadow Beasts fall down via the giant, swirly portal thingy in the sky. He quickly dispatches them with an energy field courtesy of Midna. They continue onwards and soon find themselves at a broken bridge.

Link: BRO-KEN BRIIIIIDGE! I HATE THOSE THINGS!

Midna: I think I remember seeing a bridge somewhere in Faron woods. Those portals are like warps. We can get there and back in no time.

Link: How are we going to carry the bridge?

Midna: Say hello to infinite inventory space! It's how I carry around all of your gear and tennis balls when you're a wolf.

Link: That's convenient. Let's go.

It took them three tries to warp to the bridge's location; they were greeted by a swarm of keese and an oblivious postman along the way. On the third try, they spotted the bridge and some truck.

Midna: It looks like the warp mechanics in this adventure are kind of screwy. Hey, there's those fourth wall repair guys I called three chapters earlier! Do you know how many doughnut boxes I had to go through while waiting? I swear, the people on the other side of that thing are crazy!

Me: Hey! I resent that!

Link: How did you even call them anyway? I thought cell phones didn't exist. And trucks. And the note on the side of said truck says that our fourth wall is beyond repair.

Midna: Oh yeah. Let's just get that bridge.

Midna uses her super awesome laser ninja wrowbawttzq princessy twilight dissolvey powers to bring the bridge into her infinite inventory space. They then warp back to Kakariko Gorge and dump the load back to its former location.

Link: Well, now that that's over with...

After crossing the bridge, Link's inherent failure to navigate causes him to crash head first into a gate. Hoping to mitigate his problem, he integrates a function and derives that he should dig under said gate. Link's still disheveled mind is greeted with three (more) shadow beasts, one of them holding a very lengthy SAT vocabulary list. Link beats the lone one first, then disposes of the last two with Midna's energy field. The familiar swirly portal thingy forms in the sky.

Link: This is Kakariko village, huh. I expected something a bit more like Ordon. Hey, its one of those springs!

Link walks up to the spring.

Eldin's Voice: It's all cool, hero. Just take this vessel of light and fill it up with tears, kay? I'll kinda just stand here 'till you finish your thing.

Link: Light spirits. They're all weird.

SFX Guy: DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!

Text Box Guy: You got the vessel of light! It sits on the side of the screen and blocks stuff! The PO of PO refuses to raise my salary! I'm going off on tangents! I need a mug of coffee!

Link: How...did...you...guys...follow...me...in...here...

SFX Guy: What's he barking about? Don't growl at me, now.

Link headbutts SFX Guy in the gut and knocks him unconscious. Utilizing the power of the fourth wall, he pulls out the Megaton Hammer and whacks the other guy in the head, however he manages that. Then, a blue fairy comes out and chastises him about stealing some other guy's hammer when he's about to play whack a mole with a freaking dragon inside a volcano.

Midna: Ocarina of time reference number...what was it?

Link: There's someone over in that window!

Barnes: I can't believe I have to babysit those darn brats when I could be exploding stuff in my shop.

Midna: Link, let's climb up here. There's a hole in the ceiling.

Link lets Midna guide him to the top of the house, then they drop through the ceiling. Link gets a very big surprise.

- Cut Scene Time! Yay! -

The young kids are huddled up next to a man dressed in robes. Another man is telling the kids a story.

Barnes: Besides! You know what happened to that person who got cornered by those beasts. A whole gang from town came to go save her, and guess what? There was no sign of her, and there were TWO monsters waitin'! You connectin' the dots? That means if we get attacked, then we'll all be-

Renado: BARNES! You're scaring the children!

Barnes: There's got to be some other place we can hide.

Barnes lights a torch and starts to skid across the floor in an impossible manner.

Whoever says this line: I wouldn't do that if I were you. I saw insect-like beasts like the ones outside.

Colin: I just know Link will save us.

- End Cut Scene. And now for a somewhat abridged version of Link's bug hunt -

Link picks up the lit torch and walks around the room, lighting more torches. The cellar suddenly opens up. Link drops through and spots three bugs. He kills all of them, heads out of the house, and goes to the graveyard. There he finds his fourth bug and kills it, then heads over to the General Store. Another bug, another tear, this is really drab. I'm going on to the interesting parts now.

Near the middle of his drab bug quest, Link heads inside a decrepit shack. The bugs that are inside scurry underneath a wall. Link's only option was to grab a stick and smoke them out. As he does, however, the building catches fire.

Midna: We'd better evacuate this place. I'm getting out of here. If you were wise, you'd follow.

Link and Midna exit the huge bonfire and get to see it explode. After the fireworks display, Link collects the residual tears.

- Meanwhile -

Barnes: Aww, man! I imported those explosives from Gamelon! And the shack was from Termina! Whoever did that is going to PAY!

- Back to our arsonists -

Upon entrance to death mountain, Link sees a giant flaming rock fall from the sky. Because if you want to make something cool, all you need to do is set it on fire. Link soon finds a rock with a tune emanating from it. He decides to howl along with it. For a warm up, Link goes through all 12 of his major scales and all forms of minor, plus all of the modes for each: Dorian, Mixolydian, Lydian, Locrian, Phyrgian, and Aeolian. Then he howls the nocturne of shadow, the minuet of forest, and finally, the Song of Healing. The stone responds to the last song and Link hears a voice in the distance.

After the tearful quest is over with, Link feels himself being warped back to the spirit spring. A colossal bird stands in front of him.

Eldin: Yo, kid. Good job back there. I'm gunna go now, so yeah.

Link: That was weird.

Midna: Tell me about it.

This Chapter is brought to you by Telma's Bar! Come enjoy some of man-over-21's best friend and a whole bunch of cleavage that should not be shown in a video game! That was dirty...