I picture you in the sun,
Wondering what went wrong.
And falling down on your knees,
Asking for sympathy.
…
But I was caught in between,
All you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes
You can't keep awake
Palm Springs; At the Hotel;
Lexa wakes up with a terrible headache the next morning and instantly regrets getting heavily drunk last night. She didn't get drunk like that for so long and she forgot how painful it is the next morning.
She is hardly able to open her eyes and see that she is alone in the whole suite, she frowns at the ache in her head and eyes because of the light coming from the large windows.
She knows she has to wake up and get something to make her throbbing headache stop because no one is around and can help her. Also, all her friends might be waking up as hangover as her and won't be helpful anyway.
Lexa stumbles on her way to the bathroom and then she looks for her purse but doesn't find anything for her headache so she dresses and decides to see if she can find any drugstore.
On her way to the elevator Lexa bumps into Raven who just got out from Octavia's suite hair disheveled, her body wrapped in a sheet and clothes in her hands. Her eyes widen at being caught.
"I…uh! Can I have the key?" Raven asks embarrassed.
Lexa throws it to her "I'm gonna leave you but I'll get back to you later if I survive my headache"
"Good! Just don't tell All, please!" Raven replies before Lexa gets into the elevator.
Raven gets in their suite and quickly grabs a change of clothes and heads into the shower, she doesn't want Alice to see her like that. She doesn't even know what the hell happened yesterday night.
She knows she kept drinking and the last thing she remembers is like a blur she was straddling Octavia on the bed and kissing her? Or maybe not, she doesn't know if it is her memory or just what she wanted to happen.
All she knows is that she woke up naked body flushed against Octavia's under the sheets it was enough data to freak out.
Once she finished showering she puts on a tank top and shorts then checks her phone. She finds ten missed calls from Luna and a text message letting her know that she talked to Clarke and that she should call her back.
Lexa walks to the receptionist and asks him if she can find a drug store anywhere nearby. The young man shows her the way and tells her that she doesn't need to ride there, it is not that far.
Lexa thanks the receptionist and leaves, on her way to the drug store she meets two women walking hand in hand and one of them was pregnant. Her heart aches and she forgets completely about her headache.
Tears well in her eyes and she lets out a weak smile at the couple, it could be her and Clarke but not anymore. She lost the baby, their baby, hers and now she is losing Clarke too.
She doesn't know what to do, why she is resenting Clarke so much, she knows it is not her wife's fault but she cannot help blame her and rage at her. It seems that it is the only way for to feel less pain.
Seeing that Clarke is hurting too somehow twistedly makes her feel less alone despite knowing that Clarke loves her and she is with her in every step.
She gets into the drugstore and waits for her turn, she is not sober and healthy enough to look through the store shelves by herself.
"Good morning, how may I help you?" The woman smiles at her politely but Lexa doesn't notice her really, she is distracted by the throbbing in her head.
Lexa frowns at the aching in her head "Morning, I need something to stop my headache…it is killing me" Lexa barely manages to say.
"Hangover?" The woman asks knowingly.
Lexa nods "Yeah! A really big one" She adds.
"Well, it is common since you're here for the weekend, am I right?"
Lexa nods again "Please, my headache!" She reminds the woman talking to her.
Quickly the woman grabs a box of painkillers and gives it to Lexa who puts her credit card on the counter but the woman push it back to her "It's on me! Hope you'll get better"
This time, Lexa looks at the woman who is being nice with her and smiles at her "Thank you"
"Anytime" The woman winks at her and Lexa feels her cheeks reddening, the woman's blue eyes looks so similar to Clarke's.
Lexa smiles back at her again, not sure if it is for her or because her eyes reminds her of Clarke. She takes her credit card back in her pocket and walks out of the drugstore confused.
Hollywood; The CAC;
Clarke's office;
Clarke walks into her office without greeting any of her colleagues not even Jasper and Monty. As per usual she hears Monty give her some information about today's meetings, with her sunglasses on to hide her puffy red eyes.
She waits for him to leave to take them off, Monty politely asks her if she needs anything else but she doesn't even answer just gives him a wave with her hand.
Clarke spent a restless night between crying, thinking and crying again she doesn't have the energy to work nor to be here but she doesn't have the choice especially that it is four days away from the opening.
She doesn't even bother to look at her schedule she starts typing a quick email for Monty asking him to cancel her meeting with Niylah if there is any. In addition, she asks him to bring her a coffee.
Clarke needs to get her work done and stop letting Niylah mess around with her focus and toying with her life. She doesn't blame her but she thinks that Niylah is just making things complicated, worse and messy for her.
So she must avoid her unless necessary, she knows that her work is done and she might leave today or tomorrow as everything is settled. She makes a note to send the Finance manager to deal with her payments and asks him to keep her out of it.
She completely forgets about Lexa and what happened yesterday night with Luna and Niylah, wholly drowned in her work and meetings.
The day goes almost perfectly calm until Clarke goes back home and finds it empty. Her heart aches remembering the mess her life turned out to be lately. She takes her phone and tries to call Lexa but in vain.
She refrains from leaving her a voice mail and calls Octavia instead "Hey!" She lets out tiredly.
"Hey, Clarke!" Octavia says back hesitantly.
"How is it going?" Clarke asks.
"Emmm…good! We're having fun!" Octavia replies and Clarke could hear that Octavia is in a quiet place.
"Is Lexa with you?" Clarke asks "I can't reach her" She explains.
"I…Ehhh, Lexa is….well she is not with me but she is fine" Octavia reassures Clarke.
"Ok!" Clarke replies doubtfully "Is everything alright, O?" She asks concerned.
"Yeah! I gotta go, Clarke! I'll let Lexa know that you called" Octavia replies before hanging up.
Clarke looks at her phone to see if Octavia just hanged up on her, it is confusing Octavia has never done it before, not to her anyway.
Palm Springs; At the hotel;
Dana and Octavia's suite;
"Come in" Octavia waves to Raven who smiles nervously and follows her.
Octavia starts by turning off her phone, she doesn't want to be interrupted again not by Clarke, nor anyone else. She needs to talk to Raven and if she keeps caught in Clarke and Lexa's drama, she won't be able to take care of her own drama.
"Do you want something to drink?" Octavia suggests but Raven shakes her head.
"Drinks are what caused this awkward situation, the smartest thing to do it to be sober….at least for this, for us" Raven says.
Octavia doesn't miss the 'us' part, it makes her heartbeat faster she smiles at Raven and says "Yeah! That's why I don't drink" She smiles at Raven genuinely then adds "You should turn off your phone"
"I left it in my room, Clarke won't call me…she thinks I slept with Lexa so…" Raven replies.
"Ok!" Octavia sighs "Nothing happened…I know you probably freaked out waking up naked but...nothing happened"
Raven seems to relax but not totally she knows she must have done something stupid to the look Octavia gave her when they met in the lobby.
"Thanks" Raven says shyly not daring to look into Octavia's eyes "Why was I naked then?" She blurs out because she is afraid that she scared her old best friend away by being so gay for her.
"Because you took off your clothes" Octavia says without meeting Raven's eyes.
Raven raises her eyebrows "Why did I take my clothes off?" She asks again seeing that Octavia is not telling everything.
"Uh…we.." Octavia stutters and finds it difficult to tell Raven what happened.
"O!" Raven warns her friend "What did we do?"
"I told you…nothing happened" Octavia says defensively "I am not what you think I am…I don't take advantage of a drunken friend"
"I…I didn't say that, O" Raven huffs, she is tired of always fighting with her "I just want to know what happened and how I ended up waking up naked in your bed cuddling you"
Octavia looks into her friend's eyes "Don't worry, I didn't let things go the wrong way. You kissed me and we made out a little bit but you wanted more, you stripped off but when I saw that you really was drunk I stopped you" Octavia says in one breath.
Raven's draw drops, and she feels her blood run to her cheeks "I'm sorry" Is all she can muster to say. She doesn't want to keep pushing Octavia into being out just because she wants her.
"I overstepped, I'm sorry O. I really am" Raven tries to apologize but Octavia interrupts shaking her head "It's ok Raven I should be the one apologizing you clearly were drunk"
Raven takes a deep breath and feels like suffocating, it doesn't help she looks into Octavia's eyes and turns around and walks towards the door to leave.
"Wait!" Octavia stops her.
Raven looks back at her silently waiting for her to say anything else, Octavia walks closer to her before adding "Don't go" Raven looks surprised because why in the world would Octavia want her to stay?
They both are clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable after what might or might not have happened yesterday between them.
Octavia understands Raven's look and says "I thought we agreed on not running away and talking things out"
Raven nods "I just…don't know how O…not anymore" She confesses.
"I don't know either" Octavia shakes her head "We should learn how together" She adds bringing a smile on Raven's face.
"So I'm staying" Raven says.
"Yeah" Octavia confirms.
"Where do we start?" Raven asks.
Octavia thinks for a moment then looks at her friend "Are you really sorry for…what happened yesterday?" And Raven nods feeling ashamed of her behavior.
Octavia shakes her head "I'm not" She dares to say "I just…wish you weren't drunk"
Raven's eyes bulge, to say she is surprised is an understatement, she was shocked she wasn't expecting to hear this from Octavia but then when she sees that Octavia was not uncomfortable and one hundred percent sure of her words she feels like maybe she was interpreting something else.
"Are you sure…I mean why?" Raven stutters a little bit confused.
"Because I would have liked that you remember the things we talked about so I don't have to do it over again" Octavia replies shyly.
Raven's heart is about to explode "What did we talk about O?"
"Us" Octavia lets out shyly making Raven frown. She regrets being so stupid and drunk to not remember whatever happened yesterday.
She gulps and asks her friend "Tell me, please" She wants to know what the hell they talked about. She is aware of how she feels about Octavia even if she usually tries to ignore it because she knows Octavia doesn't feel the same way for her.
"Well you started it, I mean you said something and…" Octavia doesn't know how to tell her again.
She is not sure she is able to tell her everything she said because when she told her how she feels about her, she knew that Raven was drunk and she may forget everything.
"What did I say?" Raven urges her to continue.
"You said every time you see me you want to kiss me" Octavia says with a shy smile feeling her heart is going to explode.
"That's all?" Raven asks. It is something she could have said, she knows it but she wants to be sure that she didn't say much more, Octavia nods affirmatively.
"What did you say?" Raven asks again.
"I kissed you" Octavia replies boldly.
"Ok, and then what?" Raven tries to be calm and not jump into conclusions. She doesn't care about making out with Octavia now not even sleeping with her, what she cares about is scaring her away and letting her know how she really feels about her.
"Then…we…things got out of hand but you stopped it" Octavia says when she is interrupted by Raven "Why?"
"You said…that you have feelings for me and I kissed you again" Octavia says looking into Raven's eyes.
"What does it mean?" Raven asks.
Octavia bites on her lip then answers "It means that I wanted to kiss you" Octavia omits a detail.
"That's all?" Raven asks feeling like someone was stabbing her heart.
Octavia looks at her for a moment then averts her eyes, she doesn't want to lie to Raven but at the same time she is afraid what will result if she tells her the truth. She knows Raven won't accept to be with her, with a closet case.
"Yes" Octavia finally replies.
"Ok!" Raven nods "If that's all then I guess I should leave" She doesn't want to be around Octavia because she wants to cry, she feels like her heart is bleeding.
Octavia lets out a broken smile at Raven and shrugs "If you want to stay…you can"
Raven shakes her head "I don't think it is a good idea" She says honestly.
Octavia frowns confused "Are we ok?"
Raven doesn't know what to answer because she doesn't even know "I don't know! Are we?"
Octavia forces a convincing smile at Raven "Yeah, we're"
"Ok, then see you around" Raven says before leaving Octavia.
She walks back to her suite and knocks hoping that she will find Lexa in there and fortunately for her she does.
"Hey, you" Lexa says.
Raven gets into the suite silent she doesn't greet Lexa back instead she goes and starts packing.
"You're leaving too?" Lexa asks.
"Yeah, coming here was a bad idea" She answers.
"Hell, yes the worst idea ever" Lexa agrees.
"Why?" Raven stops what she was doing and looks at her best friend afraid that she might have learnt something about Clarke's cheating.
"I got the worst hangover ever, I got hit on by many women and realized that I am miserable and living a lie with Clarke and instead of staying and fixing things I keep running and now we are…broken? Things got worse because we didn't try to fix whatever happened to us at the beginning and now…now it feels like we're just together because we got used to it" She shrugs.
"Just that?" Raven asks.
"Yeah and I think I see Clarke everywhere...like whenever I see blue eyes I…it reminds me of her. I miss her, I miss us" Lexa adds making Raven's heart shatter.
"And why are you leaving?" Lexa asks curiously.
"Well, almost the same thing for you minus few details" Raven confesses.
"Octavia" Lexa says knowingly.
Raven nods "I just keep on making things worse whenever she is around, she kissed me but I was too drunk to remember anything of it and I think I told her how I feel about her she just doesn't want to make things worse"
Lexa's eyes bulge, she knew that Raven might have feelings for Octavia but Raven never admitted it before "Ow! And did you talk to her?"
"Yeah" Raven replies with a sad voice.
"It didn't go as you wanted to" Lexa continues having a feeling that her best friend doesn't want to say more. Raven nods and they both leave without letting Alice know as she was nowhere to be seen.
Back to Hollywood; At the CAC;
The next morning;
Clarke gets to her office in a better mood than the day before as she had at least few hours of sleep despite spending the majority of the night thinking about Lexa and Niylah.
The first thing Monty tells her about is that Niylah wants to see her for an urgent matter according to her. Maybe Clarke was able to avoid the woman the previous day but Niylah was not having it, concluding her payment with only the Finance manager was not going to keep her away from her. She wanted to talk to Clarke, to see why she is avoiding her and shutting her out.
Fair enough, Clarke almost kissed her back in the restaurant's terrace if they were not interrupted by Luna and keep on avoiding her only made things worse and proved the woman that Clarke really is into her and is afraid.
So instead of avoiding Niylah again like what she really wants to do, she asks Monty to inform her that she will see her now if she is available and of course as her work was done already, Niylah came right away.
"Morning" Niylah says approaching Clarke.
"Good morning, Niylah. Would you please take a seat" Clarke replies seriously gesturing for the chair in front of her. She doesn't want to let Niylah wander in her office freely because she knows Niylah will end up close to her.
Niylah does as asked and sits on the chair and looks at Clarke with a raised eyebrow as she starts talking about work right away.
"I didn't come because I didn't like my paycheck!" Niylah says firmly.
Clarke meets her eyes "Then why?" She asks boldly.
"We should talk somewhere else, not here! It's not work related" Niylah replies.
"I can't" Clarke's only reply is.
"Then have dinner with me" Niylah suggests thinking that Clarke refused because she has work to do.
"I can't" Clarke replies again.
"Why?" Niylah asks.
"I can't be with you" Clarke shakes her head.
Niylah looks at her knowingly and not so much surprised "Who said that I want us to be something…we can have something else than being together"
Clarke is taken by surprise but what Niylah's is suggesting, she stands up and starts pacing in her office then shakes her head and lets out defeated "I don't think it is going to work".
Niylah stands up and walks to her, Clarke takes a step back she doesn't want to be close to Niylah like the last time she doesn't want to tempt fate.
"I know a way" Niylah says while taking another step closer to Clarke.
"I…I'd be in so much trouble" Clarke blurs out hitting her back against her door's office.
Niylah smiles "I like trouble" She remarks with a smirk.
Just as Clarke was about to reply, she felt more than she heard a knock on the door she pushed abruptly Niylah away and opened it.
"Lexa!" Clarke blurs out in surprise.
Lexa smiles at Clarke, she missed her so much in more than a way even if she feels like she doesn't recognize her anymore. Clarke smiles back at her halfheartedly because hell she just was about to do a mistake.
Lexa ignores completely Niylah's presence and steps in, cups Clarke's face and kisses her wife passionately. When they part Lexa whispers "I missed you" and Clarke's heart melts.
"Lexa! This is Niylah…Niylah this is Lexa my wife" Clarke gestures between the two women.
Niylah smiles at Lexa and nods politely "Nice to meet you, Lexa. I've heard a lot about you"
Lexa smiles back at Niylah and shakes her hand "I'm sorry I can't say the same about you" Lexa replies honestly.
Niylah glances at Clarke then back to Lexa "That's ok, I'm just a co-worker" She winks at her and leaves.
Lexa looks at Clarke and smiles at her again "I missed you and I couldn't wait any longer…I think we should talk"
Clarke nods she knows that things are not great between them and the way Lexa left without even talking to her and ignoring her phone calls. She knows Lexa's kiss doesn't mean that she forgave her.
"Ok, just let me instruct Monty to cancel all my meetings for the day" Clarke says without thinking it through.
The ride home was silent, Lexa was nervous but not as much as Clarke. Both know that this talk is going to exhaust them emotionally and open up some old wounds.
Lexa sits on the couch of their living-room and taps on it asking Clarke to join her silently.
Clarke sits and looks into green eyes, she could see the pain still lingering in her eyes the same that Lexa had before she left for the weekend trip.
"How was the trip?" Clarke asks, she wasn't expecting her until later tonight.
"A mistake" Lexa simply replies and Clarke frowns confused.
"I got drunk, I got hit on by a lot of women" Lexa explains.
Clarke feels her heart tighten at Lexa's words, afraid that she might hear something she doesn't want to hear "I don't wanna know" She blurs out.
Lexa blinks, utterly confused then says "I didn't cheat on you if that's what you think"
Clarke sighs "I'm sorry…I thought-" She stutters and Lexa interrupts her "Just don't!"
Clarke nods looking away when she hears Lexa speak again "I am not happy, Clarke" Clarke gulps she knows nothing good is coming "Why?"
Lexa chuckles sarcastically "Are you seriously asking me why?"
Clarke looks back into green eyes and instantly regrets it because Lexa's eyes are now so harsh and looking angrily back at her. She doesn't know how to answer her so she keeps silent and it only makes Lexa angrier.
"We're not ok…nothing like we used to be Clarke! Aren't you aware? Are you seriously that blind and dumb? Do I even mean anything to you?" Lexa lets out furiously.
"Of course you mean to me, you're my wife" Clarke replies.
"Exactly" Lexa spits out with venom.
Clarke feels offended "What does that mean?"
"For you? Clearly nothing" Lexa deadpans.
Clarke lets out a deep sighs "I know, I'm not perfect Lexa but that's what couples go through…And you can't possibly put all the blame on me"
"Clarke, I know and this is the problem. I lost a baby, our baby and I can't look at you anymore without wanting you to be as miserable as I am and it is not healthy…hell it is completely wrong but it seems the only thing I do is make you feel worse because I don't know maybe deep down I blame you for putting me through this…I did this for you because I love you" Lexa says on verge of tears.
"I'm sorry" Clarke lets out feeling her heart aching at Lexa's watery eyes.
"I feel like you don't love me anymore" Lexa blurs out and tears starts flowing down her cheeks.
Clarke keeps silent, she can't react she feels guilty and doesn't know much what to reply and it only breaks Lexa's heart further.
"You don't look at me the way you used to do, I can't feel your love anymore, you don't want me, you don't fuck me…you don't make love to me anymore" Lexa cries out and Clarke knows that Lexa's words are true.
Clarke's own tears start to blur her vision and wet her cheeks she wants to reassure Lexa that they are going to be ok but she is not even sure of that either. She feels the pull towards Niylah and wants to kiss her and she almost did twice if not being interrupted. She feels helpless and guilty, she stands there speechless.
"I wanna leave…I need to think, I need a break from all of this…this drama" Lexa blurs out seeing that Clarke didn't correct her, any of her words.
Clarke wipes her tears then says "Don't, please" She doesn't know how to answer or take part in the conversation honestly without shattering everything they are but she knows one thing for sure, she loves Lexa maybe not the same way she used to do but she knows Lexa is her life, her true love and she won't be able to live without her.
Lexa shakes her head "I can't, we're nothing anymore Clarke. All we're doing is hurt each other. The longer we wait, the more we hurt one another and I don't….I don't wanna hurt you…I don't want to live like this anymore…I don't wanna ruin what we had…I don't want us to drift apart even more…I don't know you anymore"
Clarke cries harder at Lexa's words because she feels the same, she knows it is true but she doesn't want to accept it.
"Please don't leave me" She lets out between sobs.
Lexa shakes her head "I can't stay Clarke. We're broken…you don't even talk to me. Just look at us now" Lexa replies.
Clarke shakes her head "No" She says firmly and scoots closer to Lexa and hugs her tightly whispering "I love you" over and over again "Don't…please don't leave me"
Lexa's heart pains, she feels tired and wants to surrender. Clarke's arms feels so safe and comforting around her but she knows there is so much more and a hug cannot simply repair their broken marriage.
"I'm sorry I can't" Lexa lets out painfully.
Clarke pulls back and looks into her eyes "I love you" She says she wants Lexa to see it in her eyes but Lexa closes her eyes. She doesn't want to look into blue eyes they always lure her and now is not the time to let herself there.
Clarke pushes her lips against Lexa's in a searing kiss trying to communicate the way she feels about her. Lexa sobs against her wife's lips she missed the way Clarke kissed her, she missed the way Clarke wanted her she missed them, their marriage she missed her life her happy life.
Clarke pulls back keeping her forehead against Lexa's and whispers "Give me another chance, give us another chance for better or worse remember?"