Cave Johnson again,
I'd just like to let all test subjects and employees know that the junk mail regarding a Zealot Cave has now been terminated. In case you hadn't read it all, he was rambling on about Aperture being a Superbanana, Aperture not even being Aperture but instead a re-haul to Caveology as well as the fact that every test subject and employee hadn't existed… and he found hell. I'd like to clarify that this crap is, once again, junk and therefore never happened.
For the outsiders reading this, don't presume to think that the fact that I had to personally reassure everyone in Aperture Science that none of this stuff happened was stupid because, believe me, I'm amazed that I did it for good reason. There's a rumor going around that what Zealot Cave did actually happened. How the hell is that a rumor in my facility? The fact that every test sphere exists, the fact that our symbol is still an aperture, never mind the fact that everyone isn't dead clarifies itself! I don't need to be the one to debunk the mystery that everyone is in fact not dead and not delusional!
More so, Zealot Cave's real. That's right, he is, and he's in a test lab as we speak roaming about and climbing up the walls. No, before you ask, we didn't inject the alternate me with that spider DNA we were working on. First, that didn't even go well; it didn't give the subjects super spider powers, it literally turned them into spiders. Good news is, they lost their nervous system in the process which means they couldn't also feel the subsequent spider eggs bursting outta their bodies.
Bad news second, the people that were eaten by the spiders, on the other hand, felt all. At least I can reassure myself that I only lost twenty employees and not the whole facility with it like Zealot Cave. Speaking of him, he's a monkey. You may have wondered why this Zealot Cave Johnson, who personally founded and funded his own religion, was interested in monkey houses, monkey chapels and monkey overseers. Thing is, he's a monkey, so let's get that out of the way. It's very likely that he might hack into our cores where they'll begin spouting his plans about Caveology, God-Cave and world domination… or what have you.
Again, if you see any emails from Zealot Cave, do not panic! None of it happened and will happen. Also, test subjects, I've just finished installing titan-steel bars all around the facility. Welcome, gentlemen, to the Aperture Penal Science Colony. I am the warden around here.