Takes place during "Goodbye Is Always Implied."
Ch. 10
Walt Longmire had a lot of regrets. He wondered sometimes if most people his age had the same number or if they had lived their lives better than he had. He regretted not being more present as a husband and father. He knew his wife and daughter had known he loved them but he regretted not being with them in the moment more. He could somewhat make that up to Cady now. He enjoyed the breakfasts and other quiet moments they had together. Those had been few and far between as of late. He regretted not supporting her more recently. He would fix that. He still had time. He regretted not being a better friend to Henry sometimes. It could be hard to draw the line between what was right and wrong when you were in law enforcement. Sometimes it put him in direct conflict with those he cared about the most. He knew they would be okay. They had been friends too long to give up now.
He regretted pushing Vic away after Branch died and he had killed Barlow Connally. It had felt like they had been on the cusp of something. Then, it had all gone to hell. He knew they both bore some responsibility. At a time when they should have turned to each other, they had done the opposite. But, that was in the past. There was no need to dwell on it over and over. Over the last few months, he had felt that bond reinventing itself. It was the same but different. In a way, they were closer now. They had both been through so much and they had been there for each other. It was the type of experience that forged new and stronger bonds.
Vic was different now. Sure, she still had a fast temper and foul mouth. She would still roll her eyes at him one minute and grin at him the next. But, she had stared death in the face. She had suffered an incomparable loss and that changed a person. He knew that all too well. What she had lost was making her fear what else she might lose. He also understood that. He had walked in those shoes before and it was a scary road to wander.
It was getting harder and harder for him to pretend he didn't care for her. He could feel it seeping out when they were together, which was often these days. His tone of voice was different when they were alone. His guard was down with her more and more these days. She had seen him at his lowest point lately and hadn't flinched. She had responded with steadfast faith in him. The same could be said for him. He had seen her stripped bare by her experience with Gilbert. He had seen her teetering in on the edge. He hadn't passed judgement or tried to save her. He had been there for her the same way she had been there for him. It was liberating to be real with her. To have her be real with him. Their time together was like a cove away from a raging storm, quiet, calm, and comfortable.
They had expressed a mutual fear of losing the other. Now, in his Bronco, waiting for the next phase of their operation, she was expressing it again.
"I feel like I'm always having to say goodbye to you."
He hated that she felt that way. He hated that he allowed her to feel that way. What if something did happen to him? She wouldn't know how much he cared for her. She wouldn't know that she had actually kept him going during some of his darkest time. She wouldn't know that, somewhere along the line, he had fallen in love with her. She fingered the vest he had gently handed her. He wanted to allay her fears. He wanted to allay his own fear. Fear of the unknown and the not said. He wasn't good with words. He never had been. He had always believed his deeds and behavior could speak for themselves. No reason to change that now.
His hand closed over his arm and pulled. He knew that if he hesitated, he would lose his courage and his momentum. She was surprised but responsive. It wasn't the most passionate kiss. This wasn't the time and place for that. It was a promise from him to her that he was here and he would be here. It was an expression of things that had been left unsaid for far too long. If he didn't come through today, at least she would know. At the very least, she would have that.