Draco Malfoy and His Quest to Sensibility

by cleury

Chapter X

Draco looked up slowly, unable to face her properly. Instead, he looked at her hands.

"Draco?"

Just the mere sound of her made him feel guilty and disgusted with himself. The weight of the emotions weighed bore down on him like sacks of potatoes, causing his shoulders to sag. "Hi," he replied finally.

Hermione took a step into the room as though it was an invitation. She crossed her arm over her chest. "Visiting hours are over, how did she get in here?"

Draco snorted faintly, and waved a dismissive hand. "She's Pansy. The world revolves around her and the universe bends to her every whim." Steeling himself, he looked up at Hermione and met her eyes. She doesn't look sick. If anything, she looks healthy! "Um, so what are you doing here?"

Hermione looked around the room and then back at Draco. "Grabbing Crookshanks," she said, spotting her ginger cat on Draco's window sill. "He likes to come in here a lot."

Draco frowned. "And so you come in here without my permission?"

"Just to get my cat," said Hermione. "Merlin knows why he's so attached to you."

"Uh…" said Draco, scared that anything he said would set Hermione her off into fits, "Just… er…"

"You know," said Hermione raising an eyebrow. "You don't have to be so careful around me. I'm not that sensitive."

Draco He gave Hermione her a look. "Really, Granger? 'Cause the last few times I remember you were."

"Those were my bad days."

Draco shook his head. Hermione shut the door quietly behind them and took a seat on the chair beside his bed. Draco felt confused, unable to comprehend what Hermione she was doing. "Don't you hate me?" he asked. "Weren't you the one avoiding me? Why are you even here?"

Hermione tossed her hair over her shoulders. "I told you, I came to collect Crookshanks. And you're the one hiding in the toilet, trying to avoid me."

Draco pouted., Hermione She made him sound so pathetic. "I wasn't avoiding you, I was just…"

"Avoiding me. I don't mind," said Hermione, looking at him right in the eye. "Even members of Gryffindors were afraid and avoided me for a long time after my panic attacks."

"I wasn't scared," Draco he objected.

Hermione shook her head,. sShe didn't believe Dracohim. "So what was that all about?" she said lightly.

"What was what?" said Draco, confused. He concentrated on the doorknob directly behind Hermione so it would look like he was looking at her when he wasn't.

"What you and Pansy were talking about," clarified Hermione .

"That was a joke," said Draco. "You know, something you say between friends."

"Typical. Marrying a Muggle-born would be the laugh of the century. Ha, ha!"

Draco shifted uncomfortably. He didn't want Hermione to think of him and his friends that way. It was already hard enough as it was... he didn't want to make their reputations worse—not when it wasn't the truth. "That's not why." He rested his gaze on Hermione, who started to fidget. He looked away. "I said we were getting married because…" Draco looked around and saw Crookshanks yawning at him. Blasted cat. And why do women always make me answer questions?! "Then we could have joint custody over Crookshanks," he said in a rush. Man, that was lame. Pansy was right, even a first-year Slytherin could lie better than he could.

The notion was so absurd that she burst out laughing. Draco He cringed in embarrassment, wishing the ground would swallow him up. But at least it alleviated the tension slightly.

"I love your cat," said Draco, wondering why he was even making an effort in convincing Hermione of this lie. If she could be fooled by it, then she'd be more stupid than Goyle. "And so…"

Hermione continued laughing. "Malfoy, you plan to marry me and take my cat as chattel?"

Draco could feel his cheeks burn. "You have to treat Crookshanks as a living being with feelings. He's not property!"

That set Hermione her off in another round of giggles, and Draco he could only smile ruefully. At least she was laughing, and not crying because of him.

"Okay, I'm going to let that go since you made me laugh so much," said Hermione wiping tears from her eyes. "But crunch time. Time to talk about what happened on the rooftop."

"About that..." said Draco, eyeing the door. He could make a successful escape. This was the reason why he had spent the last few days in the toilet, dammit!

"Na-uh. We're going to be mature adults and talk through this," said Hermione, sensing that Draco was planning his escape. She shifted into a more comfortable position and sank into her chair . She glared at him, daring him to defy her wishes.

"Fine," said Draco bitterly. Maybe talking to her would rid him of the torrent of guilt flushing through him. He expected her to lecture him on all things he had done wrong.

She bit her lip and wrung her hands unconsciously. "I was really angry when you told me to forget about everything that happened to me." Draco frowned, feeling slightly defensive. He was about to speak when Hermione raised her hand. "Let me finish. I don't ever want to forget what happened in the past," she said, her voice trembling. She took a deep breath. "You had no right to tell me to pretend something that impacted my life so much never existed. You can't sweep things like that under the rug and ignore it. I'll never forget what you've done to me."

Draco felt as though he had been hit by a train, and he felt his anger and guilt pulverizing him. But he held his tongue this time, at the very least, he would let Hermione walk away without breaking into tears. He would try something new today. He was going to apologise. And not just for a selfish sense of catharsis, but because he truly felt sorry for the wrong he had done to her. He wanted her to know he acknowledged that he was wrong.

"I know you don't really want to hear this," started Draco,. "but I have to say it. I'm sorry, and I'm apologising because I know I'm wrong... and not because I want you to forgive me. I mean, it'd be nice if you forgave me. But you don't have to!" Draco said quickly. He started down at his shoes. He showed his vulnerability and offered himself in a way he had never done before. His heart banged wildly against his chest, he couldn't predict how Hermione would react to his apology.

Hermione gave Draco a strange look before bursting into tears. There weren't so much tears as there were noise. Draco jumped back,. hHe was used to women crying daintily in a handkerchief. Usually there was more to look at than hear. Maybe it was because of this that he felt particularly affected by her outburst. He reached over and gave her the box of tissues as a peace offering, uncertain what had set her off. Hermione howled into a tissue and blew her nose. "It's not you, it's me," she said between chokes.

"What?" he asked, still very afraid.

"It's just that you're apologizing without expecting me to forgive you!"

"Er, yeah," said Draco, not entirely sure why this would make her cry.

"Don't you see? You really meant what you said!" said Hermione, weeping. "That makes me want to forgive you!"

"And…" said Draco slowly, "You don't want that?"

"No, you silly boy! Of course I do!"

Draco shook at his head at the display of convoluted feminine logic. He was not going to try figure it out.

"But while I'm not going to forget what happened to me," said Hermione, quietening down. She closed her eyes and took a long time to exhale as though she was relieved. She straightened her posture and stood up from her chair. Draco flinched as Hermione approached him, taking a seat on the bed. She took his hands in hers, and held it tightly. "I'm going to forgive you."

Draco's brain short-circuited. "What?" he said dumbly. She forgave me? Just like that? "So," said Draco slowly, still not comprehending the situation. "What do I do to gain your forgiveness?"

Hermione smiled at Draco him as though a huge burden had fallen off her shoulders. "Don't you get it? You already have it."

Draco He couldn't understand. "How could you just forgive me like that?" said Draco. She's definitely tricking me, there had to be some sort of catch.

"No," said Hermione, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Believe it or not, your sincerity moved me and I decided to let go of everything."

"You can't!" objected Draco. "Or you're lying! You can't just forgive someone like that."

Hermione made an amused expression on her face. "As awesome as you think you are, you can't dictate how I think or feel. If I decide to forgive you, then forgiveness is mine to give. You should try it sometimes, it's oddly refreshing."

Draco He watched as Hermione gave him another smile and he shook his head furiously. This woman is mad! Completely over the moon! "You can't be serious," said Draco again. Though the witch's kind heart was often boasted about, and her forgiving and sympathetic nature was often a target of his taunts in the past, Draco he still had trouble believing anyone could just forgive someone so easily. "You're making me feel like a total git," confessed Draco. "And I was trying to pressure you to forget everything before. I shouldn't be forgiven. I don't deserve it. If our roles were reversed, I would never be able to do it."

Hermione chortled. "You are a total git. If only someone could hear you now. Draco Malfoy talking down himself. Don't worry, I'll keep it a secret," she said, pressing her fingers to her lips.

"That's not possible," mumbled Draco. Yet, he was starting to be convinced exactly how true the praises sung for Hermione were. Hermione She was by far a better person, and it made Draco him feel small. As though he was a big fish in a small pond, and he had just met a larger fish in the ocean that chose not to swallow him whole. What was so great about me again? Oh, that's right. Money, fame, looks, bloodlines. Draco sighed., hHe had to admit he had a lot going for him, but compared to Hermione's act of generosity, it suddenly seem to amount to little.

"You're starting to sound like a broken record,. sSing a different tune," said Hermione, frowning. She sniffed and wiped her nose with a tissue. "As long as you do the right thing from now on, I forgive you for all that you've done to me in the past. That sounds about right, don't you think?"

There it is. The condition. Draco was instantly wary. His father had taught him all about manipulation and this was basic, 101 stuff. Offer something incredible to someone and that person would be unable to refuse your next request. "Are you trying to manipulate me?" he asked, slightly more comfortable as he was back on familiar ground.

Hermione looked confused, and Draco could tell she hadn't thought of anything else but forgiving him. He groaned,. cCunningness and manipulation he could deal with, but pure good-heartedness? He was a fish floundering in ethanol. He massaged both of his temples, mind still swimming. It's strange. Logic suggested if he knew Hermione had forgiven him, he would feel less guilty. But he still felt an inconceivable amount of shame. Perhaps forgiveness only worked one way and freed the victim and not the wrongdoer. Draco wasn't well-versed in the area.

"What's wrong?" said Hermione, suddenly concerned.

"Can you stop being so nice to me?" he moaned, finally unable to bear it anymore. "It's making me feel worse."

"Nope," she said, placing her hands on her hips.

"It's not doing me any good!" cried Draco. "Even though you've forgiven me, I feel…" He tore at his chest and hissed out an exasperated sigh.

"Um, Malfoy," said Hermione slowly. "Have you ever felt sorry before?"

"Congratulations, Granger,." he snapped. "You're my first."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, do you know what to do when you feel sorry?"

Now it was Draco's turn to roll his eyes. This again! "I'm not six, Granger. Quit lecturing me."

"Well, you look like you need a bit of instruction." She bit her lips, trying not to smile. "Since I'm your first and all."

Draco He growled and looked at Hermione. "Well then, spit it out."

"Spit what out?"

Dammit, she's enjoying this. "What to do when you feel sorry," said Draco quickly, looking away. His pride had been blown up in smithereens already.

"Actions speak louder than words. Putting your thoughts into physical actions is more difficult than you expect."

He looked over to Hermione, who stared at him quizzically; she probably was unaware of the internal battle inside him. He held up a finger and motioned for her to wait. "So as long as I show it in my actions, I'm forgiven?"

"Yes," came Hermione's sincere reply. Draco felt a rush of emotion for the girl. He felt something pulling in his chest. It was as if he had unplugged a bathtub of negative emotions, and they were slowly draining away. He already felt lighter. "Make a conscious effort to change and... we'll both be happier people," said Hermione looking at Draco.

There was no way, she could understand how light Draco was feeling. iIt felt as though he had been squashed beneath a mountain for the last century, and someone had just magic-ed it away from him. No wonder everybody goes off apologizing,. If I knew it was like this, then I would've apologized more often, thought Draco. The guilt was still there. No doubt, it would probably stay with him for a very long time. But it no longer overwhelmed him, and it didn't hurt him to an unbearable extent anymore. Draco knew he had to make a conscious effort to change in order to keep Hermione's forgiveness. It wouldn't do if she suddenly un-forgave him for the things he'd done.

Hermione smiled at him. "How do you feel? You're not so bad as for a first-timer," she asked.

Here he was, having life-altering realizations in his head and still reeling from the immensity of his decisions and she was there… being her! Draco snorted.

Hermione Granger was one strange but incredible woman—and even that didn't do her any justification.