A/N: Will Mario and co. stop slacking off and get to Shooting Star Summit already? How will they get to Bowser's Castle, for that matter? Will they ever actually defeat the brute and save the kingdom and the world? Is Twink somehow still alive? Does Lakilester still suck at being evil and remembering the script? Are the Star Spirits truly weirdoes? What's up with Milfred and Michael? All these pressuring questions and more will finally be answered in the following pages…Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…The finale to PAPER MARIO: RAW AND UNCUT!! Fish paste.
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Chapter 8: A Stooge-Powered Showdown!
Mario and co. stopped slacking off and headed for Shooting Star Summit immediately. They'll probably get to Bowser's Castle in some kind of boat thingy that flies. Yeah, they'll probably defeat the big brute and save the world, but I can't guarantee it. Twink is still alive, unfortunately, for all you Twink-haters out there. Lakilester sure does still suck at being villainous and remembering the script. The Star Spirits are weirdoes, no question about that. Milfred has a one-sided romance with Michael the Koopatrol, which is somehow obvious. The answers to any other pressuring questions go here.
Okay, now that that's out of the way…
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Shooting Star SummitMario and friends were now at the top of Shooting Star Summit, and the holograms of Eldstar, Skolar, Misstar, and Kalmar appeared before them.
"HOLOGRAMS!?" cried Mario. "I THOUGHT WE SAVED THEM ALL!"
"No need to worry, tubby," said Misstar. "We're waiting up in Star Haven. Here's a portal to get there, but the pathway to the haven is, predictably, filled with enemies. Oh well, good luck!" A beautiful blue spiral-shaped portal opened in the center of the summit's top, and the adventurers all reluctantly walked into it.
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Star WayOur heroes were patiently getting through Star Way without much trouble and were nearing Star Haven when a Blue Ember popped up out of nowhere and ambushed them.
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 45 FP: 40Goombario
Kooper
Bombette
Watt
Parakarry
Bow
Sushie
Lakilester
VS.
Blue Ember HP: 10
"Ha, too easy," said Sushie in an almost carefree way. "Watch this, guys."
Sushie uses Squirt on Blue Ember. Does 7 damage.
Mario hammers Blue Ember. Does 6 damage. Blue Ember faints.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
"Wow, that really was too easy," said Goombario.
Our heroes kept on walking to Star Haven…Yes, I still enjoy putting dots at the end of sentences…
---
Star HavenMario and friends entered the sacred haven of the stars and gasped in awe at what they saw. The whole place was wonderful, moonlit, and luxurious. Even Bow was jealous of how the Star Spirits' crib was so much better than hers was.
The gang bought some more items, refilled their stats, saved the game—er—recorded their point in the adventure, and slowly entered the amazing Star Sanctuary, a…well…sanctuary that was surrounded by a moat of cool, glistening water, spewing fountains, and had a bridge that led to the entrance. Heck, even the door to the sanctuary looked beautiful.
"Good evening, Mario and friends," said Eldstar as the heroes entered. "We have been expecting you."
The rest of the spirits made annoying "Oooooooooooo" sounds as their leader spoke, and they were all perched atop their pedestals in the sanctuary's huge inside room.
"Don't you guys know we have names?!" said Bombette in annoyance.
"Yeah man it's pretty inconsiderate how you know that Mario has a name and yet you don't know our names that's not fair no not at all!!" said Watt.
Eldstar looked at Watt for a long time. "Holy shit!" he finally said, amazed. "You common folk have names?! I never knew that! So sorry!"
"LET ME AT HIM!" yelled Sushie, trying to lunge for Eldstar as Parakarry frantically held her back.
"So, you got our ride to Bowser's Castle ready?" Lakilester asked Mamar.
"Of course we have the ride ready…uh…" Mamar said.
"Spike. The name is Spike," said Lakilester.
"…Spike!" Mamar finished.
"Yes, you'll be going to the great fiend's castle in some dinky little flying blue boat with a neat little star logo on the front," said Misstar happily. "Sound exciting?"
"Yeah," said Kooper, "but not as exciting as getting a piggyback ride from you to the castle—"
"—ANYWAY!" boomed Skolar, before Misstar could realize what Kooper was talking about and before Muskular could strangle the Koopa for what he said, "The Star Ship will be here in a minute."
"The Star Ship?" said Parakarry in mock amazement. "Now we're stealing something from Star Trek? You're kidding me! First we stole the Star Rod from the Kirby games, then the Water Stone from Pokémon, and now—"
"Speaking of the Star Rod," interrupted Klevar, "Bowser is still up to absolutely no good with it. You MUST retrieve that mighty glowing thingy along with the princess and her castle! We're counting on you all!"
"Yeah!" Muskular said as the little blue Star Ship flew down to the sanctuary through the open roof. "You go up to Bowser's Castle and show that evil dude what heroism and ass-kicking are all about!"
As the partners all tried getting into the Star Ship that conveniently seemed to only fit two to four people, Kalmar quietly said, "Good luck, you guys. And I still wish I had more speaking roles…"
"Kalmar, stuff it, you little whiner," said Eldstar angrily. The old spirit then turned to Mario and co. and smiled. "Indeed, good luck to all of you folks. The fate of the entire earth depends on you. Oh, and there is one last thing we almost forgot about!"
The Star Spirits all joined together in a circle around the Star Ship and the adventurers, then started doing some really strange and creepy rendition of the Hokey-Pokey. They all stopped after a while, and all their power was transferred to Mario.
"Behold: You now have the power of the Star Beam, Mario!" said Eldstar joyfully. "With the Star Beam, Bowser's use of the Star Rod for invincibility will be completely useless! Don't let us down!"
The heroes started the Star Ship for takeoff after Goombario figured out the complex button layout on the "ship's" dashboard, and as they left, the spirits all cried out, "MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!!"
The partners all turned back and waved while the Star Ship sped into the deep reaches of space.
"…What the fuck did they just say?" said Mario.
---
The Sky
The Star Ship was amazingly fast, and our heroes were now seemingly a blur going through the sky at a remarkable speed.
Meanwhile, down in the Mushroom Kingdom in the early hours of the evening, citizens all around saw the flying ship, stupidly thinking it was a shooting star, and began to pray.
"We wish…we wish that the almighty person—er—Mario would make us his high priests, and we also wish Goombario the very best…" said everybody in Goombario's family down in Goomba Village except for Goompa, who simply stared at the blur in the sky and gave a goofy smile.
"I wish…I wish I would be known as the jolliest and greatest explorer in all the land, and that my good friend Kooper is doing a smashing job…" said Kolorado in Koopa Village, kneeling down in his house as his wife stared at him like he was mentally deranged.
"I wish…I wish that SuperLemonMan would write a new Paper Mario lemon fanfic…" Moustafa prayed quietly over in Dry Dry Outpost.
"We wish…we wish that Bow would stop being so careless and show her butler some respect, and that she's okay," the Boos in Gusty Gulch and Boo Mansion prayed in unison.
"I wish…I wish I was taller…" General Guy prayed over in Shy Guys' Toy Box. "Oh, and the Shy Guys wish they could take peoples' crap away again and Gourmet Guy wishes he could have a really large cake orgasm right now, too…"
"We wish…we wish the kids would stop being so mischievous and stay where they're supposed to, and that Sushie is doing fine," the Yoshi parents of Lavalava Island wished.
"We wish…we wish that our groovy land could still be tubular without worrying about Bowser, and that Lakilester returns home safely…" prayed Wise Wisterdude for the whole of Flower Fields.
"I wish…I wish that the mayor would die so I could inherit his porn collection…" prayed the Shiver City ranger, while everyone else in the Shiver Region, including Merle and the Ninjis, wished that the Star Kids could live in happiness and rise back up into the sky again, and Mario would accomplish his mission.
Back in Toad Town, the Toads wished for small, miscellaneous things, and Merlon thought to himself, "It all comes down to this, huh? Well, I know Mario and co. can do it…We're counting on them…Go and defeat Bowser!"
"I wish…I wish people would stop wishing and let us get on with the chapter," wished Bombette back up in the sky as the Star Ship began slowing down near Bowser's fierce-looking castle high in the heavens.
---
Bowser's Castle
The heroes all popped out of the highly crowded Star Ship, and looked in awe at the entrance to the Koopa King's castle, which was shaped like Bowser's gaping mouth, while the ship departed back to Star Sanctuary.
"You know, I'm wondering…" said Sushie. "How in the world could we not just have the Star Ship drop us off at Peach's Castle?"
"Damn developers!" snapped Bow. "They ALWAYS have to make everything so hard…"
"Agreed agreed agreed TOTALLY AGREED!!!" shrieked Watt.
"Well, no need to complain now," said Mario, walking into the intimidating entrance to the castle. "Let's get this stupid adventure over with already! Think about it, guys, it's ALMOST OVER! Tell you all what: After defeating Bowser, we'll go to Podley's for drinks. And the drinks are all on me, guys!"
"But me and Watt are underage!" said Goombario.
"Does it look like I care about you, Goombario?" said Mario carelessly.
"…No…" said Goombario sadly, entering Bowser's Castle with everyone else.
However, after entering one door, Mario and co. noticed the actual entrance to the inside of the castle was locked, and Mario angrily stomped over to the opening on the right side of the castle's outside entrance.
After this, the group was now in a long room full of lava, randomly placed platforms, and prisoners behind bars.
"MARIO! MARIO!" cried the prisoners, dropping to the ground. "WEEEE AAAARE NOOOT WOOORTHY!"
"Oh, SHUT UP!" yelled Mario in annoyance as two Koopatrol guards ran over to the heroic fat plumber and the partners.
"Hmm…Great, Mario's here already?" said one guard in disbelief.
"Apparently," said the other guard.
"Let's fight, you fiends!" cried Goombario, jumping towards the guards.
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 45 FP: 40
Watt
Goombario
Kooper
Bombette
Parakarry
Sushie
Lakilester
Bow
VS.
Koopatrols HP: 8 each
Mario jumps on Koopatrol #1. Flips Koopatrol #1 over and does 3 damage.
Goombario uses Headbonk on Koopatrol #1. Does 6 damage. Koopatrol #1 faints.
Koopatrol #2 charges attack power by 6.
Mario hammers Koopatrol #2. Does 3 damage.
Sushie uses Squirt. Does 4 damage.
Koopatrol uses Ultra Shell Attack. Does 10 damage to Mario.
"HOLY SHIT!" cried Mario.
"Yeah, I know, I'm tough, oh yeah, uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" said the Koopatrol, dancing around repeatedly.
Mario hammers Koopatrol #2. Does 3 damage. Koopatrol #2 faints.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
The guards accidentally rolled over into the lava lining the path in the long room, and a key was dropped. Mario picked it up.
YOU GOT THE CASTLE KEY! OPEN SOME DOOR IN THE CASTLE! WHICH DOOR, I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!
Mario used the key to open the castle's front door, and the gang went through a few rooms until they entered a small one made entirely of stone. This room also contained three stone blocks against the wall with Bowser's face on them, and a large stone door shaped like Bowser's face.
"Sheesh, Bowser is a really vain guy," said Goombario, rolling his eyes.
"Tell me about it," said every other partner.
Suddenly, the Bowser door said, "Hey, hey, folks, what's goin' on in here?!" Every one of the adventurers jumped at this statement, and Mario turned over to the door after picking his nose.
"Wha?…" the plumber said in confusion.
"Hmmm…It's Mario. Eh, I suppose you can go through, because this certainly isn't a trap that will lead you all the way to the bottom of this castle and cause you to have to come back all the way up here," said the Bowser door. "By the way…"
A large trapdoor opened under the heroes, and every one of them fell down a hole into a prison full of Toads and other citizens that were trapped in the castle when it was lifted up.
"You and your stupid urges, Mario!" shouted Kooper angrily.
"I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!" cried Mario, startling the prisoners out of their depression.
"Gah hah hah haaaah!" laughed the Bowser door from far back up in the previous room. "How pathetic! Every single one of you actually FELL for that? Sad. Well, enjoy spending the rest of your lives crying and throwing violent tantrums that couldn't possibly break the walls of that prison cell, no matter how strong they are! But please, don't…You know…Don't blow up the wall with…Well…You know, a…A Bob-omb or somethin' like that…"
"Oh dear!" cried Bow. "What're we gonna do to get ourselves out of THIS mess?!"
Bombette rolled her eyes, walked up to the jail cell wall with her fuse lit, and blew it up. Surely enough, the wall crumbled like a delicious cookie, and the partners began leaving the cell in a single-file line.
"These walls are far too easy to blow up," bragged Bombette. "They're practically made of clay, and they're much weaker than the walls in Koopa Bros. Fortress."
"Reminds me of the incident at Koopa Bros. Fortress," said Goombario.
"No, really!?" said Kooper sarcastically as he left with the smart young chocolate chip—uh—Goomba.
"Good luck, Mario!" said one of the elder Toads in the jail cell after Mario refilled his stats with a conveniently placed Heart Block.
Mario turned to see who said it. "Toadsworth?" he said in disbelief.
"Shhhhh!" said Toadsworth fiercely.
"What's wrong?" asked Mario in confusion. "Are there, like, secret hidden cameras around here or something? Oh god, please tell me we're on the Jamie Koopkennedy Experience! I love that show!"
"No, that's not it!" snarled Toadsworth.
"Then what?" said Mario.
"Just remember: Toadsworth doesn't exist until Super Mario Sunshine, okay?! I'm just the "minister" for now!" Toadsworth said hurriedly. "Now go!"
"Super Mario Sunshine?" Mario said oddly. "What a terrible name for a game starring me! What is Nintendo thinking?"
"GO!" yelled the old caretaker.
"Okay, okay," grumbled Mario, leaving the jail cell.
The partners all put their wits and skills together to get through various challenges in the castle, and they eventually reached a room with a staircase leading to a large platform with a slope of lava flowing from the side. On the platform were three Koopatrols and a blue-cloaked Magikoopa, apparently standing in a circle to hide something.
"Gee, I sure hope Mario doesn't come around here and find out about the switch we're hiding!!" said one Koopatrol out loud, which turned out to be that one Koopatrol from the quiz show.
"Shut up, idiot!" yelled the Magikoopa. "He could be in here right now!"
"AND FURTHERMORE," that one Koopatrol almost yelled, "I SERIOUSLY HOPE HE DOESN'T FIND OUT THAT THIS SWITCH IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CIRCLE IS WHAT CONTROLS THE LAVA FLOW, WHICH WOULD STOP HIM IN HIS TRACKS COMPLETELY AS LONG AS IT'S NOT SHUT OFF!!!"
"You…IDIOT!" cried the Magikoopa, noticing Mario and co. "HE'S RIGHT THERE! LET'S GET HIM!"
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 45 FP: 40
Bombette
Kooper
Goombario
Bow
Watt
Lakilester
Sushie
Parakarry
VS.
Koopatrols HP: 8 each
Magikoopa HP: 11
"Watch out for that Magikoopa, Mario!" said Goombario. "Unlike the other ones, he knows every magic spell in the book!"
"You mean this book?" said Kooper, pulling an old, dusty book out of his shell that had "THE BOOK" printed on the front in large font.
"…Where did you get that?" asked Goombario suspiciously.
"Nowhere," said Kooper, quickly hiding the book behind his back.
Mario uses Mega Jump on Magikoopa. Does 10 damage.
Goombario uses Headbonk on Magikoopa. Does 6 damage.
"I should have thought as much…" mumbled the Magikoopa before he fainted.
All 3 Koopatrols use Shell Attack on Mario. Does 12 damage total.
Mario uses Star Storm on all enemies. Does 7 damage to all 3 Koopatrols.
Kooper uses Fire Shell on all enemies. Does 3 damage to all 3 Koopatrols. All 3 Koopatrols faint.
But wait, what's this? Oh boy, that one Koopatrol has a Life Shroom!
That One Koopatrol's health is fully replenished!
"Oh, wonderful," groaned Mario.
Mario uses Up & Away on That One Koopatrol. Works successfully, and That One Koopatrol is turned into a harmless star.
"Hahahahahaha! Oh man, that is so pathetic…" said Bombette through tears of laughter.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
Mario and co. knocked the remaining bodies of the enemies into the flowing lava, then hit the Blue Switch that was being guarded. The lava immediately quit flowing, and it eventually hardened into cool, harmless magma.
"Sweet!" said Goombario.
"Neat!" said Kooper.
"Wonderful!" said Bow and Bombette.
"Absolutely splendid!" said Sushie.
"Oh boy oh boy this rocks oh boy! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOOOOOOOOOY YEEEEAHHH!" cried Watt.
"Kickass!" yelled Lakilester and Parakarry.
"Man, I'm telling you, man," said Lakilester, patting Mario on the back, "Man, I learn something new every day from you, man!"
"Like how I taught you that 1 times 1 equals 1 yesterday?" said Mario.
"Exactly," said Lakilester as he smiled.
"Well then, no more monkeying around, people," said Parakarry firmly. "Let's go."
And…they did!
After getting through one final enormous cavern shrouded in darkness and filled with enemies with a lot of help from Parakarry and Watt, the gang ended up back at the room with the cunning Bowser door.
The door was still laughing very hard when they came back in. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Wait, what the…?!" the door said as the nine adventurers came right back in the room. "Oh…this sucks! I wish I could throw a tantrum, but…I'm only a door. You can go through, I suppose…But don't think I'll forget this!"
"On the contrary," said Parakarry as both him and Sushie took out those glowing red thingies from Men in Black and pressed a button on each. There was a flash of light directed towards the door's eyes.
The door then said, "…Huh? Who am I? Where am I? What am I?"
"Your name is Tutu, you're in a hot dog-eating festival, and you're a tap-dancing wiener dog," said Mario as he went through the door with the partners.
"Oh, that's a relief to know! Thanks!" said the door kindly as it closed.
Several more un-description-worthy puzzles were braved by our heroes, and soon they could swear that they were so close to Bowser, they could almost taste his sweat, which is kinda…okay, REALLY freaking disturbing.
Mario and co. soon entered yet another small room with a Bowser door leading to the next area, and the door started cackling menacingly.
"Okay, punks, the only way you're getting through this door is by passing an impossible memory quiz…Which is very impossible to pass, by the way!" said the door.
"Impossible? I don't like the sound of this…" said Lakilester with a hint of fear in his voice.
"You better not!" said the door. "Now…QUESTION 1!"
Mario took a deep breath, and the partners either crossed their fingers, fins, or just closed their eyes tightly.
"…Which item made Mario victorious in his first battle against Jr. Troopa?" the door asked firmly.
Mario gulped, unable to say the name of it for a moment, then reluctantly said, "…A Michael Koopson tickle doll."
"DRAT! THAT'S CORRECT!" yelled the door. "Okay, QUESTION 2!...How long has Kooper been a fan of adventurous people like Kolorado?!"
"Heh, I get it now," said Mario in a more confident tone. "This is a recap quiz. One question for every chapter, right? Anyway, he's been a fan of adventurous people ever since he was a tiny, undeveloped fetus squirming around in his mom's—"
"CORRECT, CORRECT, CORRECT!" cried the door. "Don't even finish that sentence. You're just correct, okay? QUESTION 3!...Which character was in the lemon fanfic given to Moustafa, huh?!"
"I can't remember…" said Mario, racking his brain for the answer.
"I do, even if I still don't know who the hell she is," said Bombette. "Vivian!"
"SHOOT, CORRECT AGAIN?!" yelled the door as it got angrier and angrier. "Okay, I'll stop yelling so much, because I'm getting a bit of a sore throat…Ahem…QUESTION 4!...What song was Tubba Blubba singing while in his sleep?!"
"Um…" began Mario.
"'Mr. Sandman' by The Chordettes!" yelled Kooper.
"…Correct," grumbled the Bowser door. "QUESTION 5!...Which partner was held captive by Big Lantern Ghost?!"
"MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" cried Watt.
"Right," the Bowser door said after groaning heavily. "QUESTION 6!...What substance was used to get you all to the entrance to Mt. Lavalava?!"
"'Fish food!'" squeaked Sushie.
"CORRECT! DARN IT!" yelled the door. "QUESTION 7!...Lakilester sucks ass at what?!"
"Being a villain and remembering…um…the script," mumbled Lakilester. "And call me Spike, for heaven's sake!"
"…CORRECT!" said the Bowser door. "QUESTION 8!...Besides being a well-known novelist, Herringway is also…WHAT?!"
"A famous rock star!" said Bow.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT! YOU'RE GETTING ALL THE QUESTIONS RIGHT! DARN IT!!...QUESTION 9!...Where are you right now?!"
"Too easy," said Parakarry, rolling his eyes. "Bowser's Castle."
"WRONG!...I mean...CORRECT!" the door bellowed. "UGH, THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!! How could you get these mind-numbing questions all correct!? Okay…okay…nevermind. From here on, the old rules of the quiz do not apply. You MUST answer this question correctly, or you'll face a fiery doom!...QUESTION 10!...What color underwear am I wearing?!"
Everybody gulped loudly, because none of them had any idea what the answer to this question was. The door laughed and started to gloat about how the heroes would meet their fiery fate anytime soon as Goombario quietly snuck to the door's side and noticed a pink thong poking out of a corner of the door.
The intelligent young Goomba ran back to the crowd of partners, and interrupted the door by yelling, "PINK!!!"
"Uh…" said the door, completely dumbfounded as to how Goombario could have answered the question correctly, and the door suddenly crumbled apart. In the door's place stood Michael the Koopatrol and Milfred the Hammer Bros. with his pink thong strapped on outside of his shell.
"DRAT!" yelled Milfred. "You, like, totally got the question right, boyfriend! But, like, how?!" He angrily did his feminine hand wave.
Everyone tilted their heads to the side, looking strangely at Milfred.
"I'm Milfred the Hammer Bros., boyfriends and girlfriends!" said Milfred, placing his hand on Michael's back. "And this is my, like, 'friend', Michael! We've ran into Princess Peach a couple of times, but, like, you don't need to worry about her! She's totally safe with King Bowser now!"
Everybody gasped at the news of where Peach was, despite it being quite obvious. Then, the partners and Mario all began screaming after realizing that they heard Michael's name.
Kooper rapidly ran over to Michael and removed his helmet, revealing the Koopatrol's true face—A pure white Koopa face with a fake plastic beak and long black hair.
"EEEEEEEEEEE!!" screamed Michael in a more high-pitched tone than before. "I'VE BEEN FOUND OUT!"
"I don't believe it!" cried Goombario. "Michael the Koopatrol has been Michael Koopson throughout the whole story!?"
"That's right," snarled Milfred, "and we're NEVER going to let you pass and get to King Bowser!! Get him, Mikey, and then we'll celebrate later…If you know what I mean, tee hee…"
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 50 FP: 45
Goombario
Kooper
Bombette
Bow
Watt
Lakilester
Parakarry
Sushie
VS.
Michael Koopson HP: 20
Milfred HP: 20
"Get ready!" shouted Michael.
"Your days of sneaking up on little boys and hitting on male friends are over, you fiends!" said Mario.
"Ugh, I gave up on that little kid stuff years ago, people! Honest!" whined Michael. "I'm even planning a kickass comeback and a new album! You guys gotta trust me! Let's forget this stupid fight! After seeing how badly Bowser treats people, I'm actually SUPPORTING you guys saving the world!"
"We're not falling for your crap," snapped Bombette. "Let's get 'em!"
"RIGHT!" said all the heroes.
Mario jumps on Milfred. Does 4 damage.
Kooper uses Shell Toss on Michael Koopson. Does 2 damage.
Milfred uses Hammer Throw on Mario. Does 2 damage.
Michael uses Shell Attack on Kooper. Knocks out Kooper for 3 turns.
Mario uses Mega Smash on Michael. Does 7 damage.
Sushie uses Squirt on Michael. Does 3 damage.
Michael charges his attack power by 6.
Milfred uses Multi-Hammer Throw on Mario. Does 5 damage and shrinks Mario, cutting his attack power down by 2.
Mario uses Mega Smash on Michael. Does 5 damage.
Bombette uses Body Slam on Michael. Does 2 damage.
Michael uses Ultra Shell Attack. Does 10 damage to Mario and knocks out Bombette for 4 turns.
Milfred uses Hammer Throw. Does 2 damage to Mario.
Mario hammers Milfred. Does a whopping 3 damage.
Lakilester uses Spiny Toss on Michael. Does 1 damage.
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" cried Michael.
"MIIIIIIKEEEEEEY!" screamed Milfred, on the verge of tears. He ran over to Michael's unconscious body, embraced him tightly, and gave him a mindblowing kiss on the lips.
"Okay, what the hell's going on here?..." muttered Parakarry.
"I don't know. Just finish the fight, darling!" yelled Sushie. "Uh…I mean…"
Parakarry smirked at her, his eyes turning into hearts.
"Oh, shut up!" yelled Sushie, turning around and folding her fins angrily.
Mario jumps on Milfred. Does 4 damage.
Lakilester uses Spiny Toss on Milfred. Does 3 damage.
Milfred uses Multi-Hammer Throw. Does 5 damage to Mario and shrinks him, cutting his attack power down by 2.
Mario hammers Milfred. Does 3 damage.
Goombario uses Charge. Attack power is charged by 2.
"Hehehehehe, watch this!" said Milfred, chuckling and waving his hand.
Milfred strikes several sexy poses. The whole party is immobilized for 4 turns, and Mario's attack power is cut down by another 2 points.
"Oh, no!" cried Mario. "What am I going to do now?!! He's almost invincible now!"
Mario uses a POW Block. Does 2 damage to Milfred and flips him over.
"WHAT?!" yelled Milfred. "I thought Hammer Bros. couldn't be flipped over!"
"Well, I guess certain items work to my content in the most drastic situations," said Mario.
"Oh," said Milfred, still struggling around on his back.
Mario hammers Milfred. Does 2 damage.
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the villainous Hammer Bros., falling to the ground unconscious.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
Mario and co. walked out of the room, leaving the two quirky, evil, unconscious troops behind on the ground.
After a few more big puzzles were solved by Mario and co., the heroes all came to one final puzzle room, involving a loop maze that defied the laws of the space-time continuum. After screwing up the maze repeatedly, Mario got really angry and threw one of his strongest tantrums: the I Can't Believe This Puzzle Is Taking So Long So I'm Going To End It Now Tantrum! After running around and tearing the set up, Mario and co. were finally satisfied when a doorway to the next area popped up out of nowhere.
The heroes walked through an ominous hallway, then refilled their stats and came to a smaller, longer hallway with an unexpected person at the end of it…
"Princess Peach?!" cried Mario as he saw the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom at the hall's end.
"Hi there, Mario!" said the princess, hugging Mario tightly. "You can…um…" the princess started reading a piece of paper behind Mario's back, then quickly said, "Uh, you can go home now, Mario! I…um…I am going to…what does that say?...Oh yeah…I am going to be fine, okay, Mario? No need to worry!"
Mario looked oddly at Peach, then said, "…Okay then, princess. I guess that's fine with me. No need to battle Bowser?...Wow! Cool!" Mario happily walked all the way back through the castle, while his partners started feeling very suspicious about how Peach escaped so easily.
Back at the castle entrance, Mario began to celebrate the adventure's end when Goombario said, "Hey, Mario…"
"Yeah, Goombario?" said Mario absentmindedly.
"Has it ever occurred to you that the Peach we saw in the hallway may have been a fake?"
Mario turned to Goombario, and his left eye rapidly began twitching as his face scrunched up into an indistinguishable emotion.
Mario then screamed to the heavens, "MOTHER FU—"
---
Back in Bowser's Castle
Two hours later, back in the hallway where "Peach" was found, Mario and co. ran, their chests huffing and eyes bloodshot, back into the hall.
"WE'VE GOT A SCORE TO SETTLE, YOU ODDLY CONVINCING FAKER!!" screamed Kooper.
"THAT'S RIGHT!" yelled Mario.
"YELLING IN ALL-CAPS IS REALLY FUN, RIGHT, GUYS?!" Bow shouted.
"YEAH!" all the partners said.
Mario hammered the clone before it could turn its back, and it turned into a Duplighost.
"Oh, crud!" said the Duplighost. "I thought I had you for a few hours…"
"Well…now you don't!" said Mario. "I admit you tricked me at first, but thanks to the help of Goombario and all that furious profanity spewing from my mouth, I'm convinced to keep fighting for Princess Peach!" Mario uttered an odd Indian battle cry and lunged at the Duplighost with his partners.
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 50 FP: 45
Bombette
Kooper
Goombario
Watt
Bow
Lakilester
Sushie
Parakarry
VS.
Duplighost HP: 15
Mario uses Mega Jump on Duplighost. Does 10 damage.
Kooper uses Shell Toss on Duplighost. Does 5 damage. Duplighost faints.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
The Duplighost vanished, and Mario and co. rammed through the door into one last Bowser door room.
"We better not have to battle any more cleverly hidden troops!" shouted Parakarry.
Suddenly, four very familiar faces jumped through the ceiling of the room, tearing a paper-like hole in it as a result. The quartet was none other than the Koopa Bros., in all their red, black, green, and yellow glory.
"GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Red, pointing fiercely at Mario. "Long time no see, fat plumber boy! Well, we finally made it out of our jail cell back in the fortress after days of pure torture, and King Bowser has reluctantly given us a second chance to defeat you! And don't think we'll be weaklings like last time, because we've been weight training in jail, and we now really know how to lay the smack down!"
"Let's go, guys!" said Black, preparing the group for another battle against Mario and co.
"I take it you've beaten these TMNT knockoffs before?" said Parakarry. "You must have before Mt. Rugged, because I sure don't remember them."
"Yeah, we did," said Bombette. "I guess we might as well open a can of whoop-ass on them again, if we really have to."
"MMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed another familiar voice from the previous room. Just then, none other than the wildly persistent Jr. Troopa busted through the open door and knocked all of the Koopa Bros. off of the screen. Jr. Troopa screeched to a halt in a style reminiscent of the Roadrunner, then turned to Mario.
"Hey there, Mario," he said in an intimidating voice. "Going off to fight King Bowser, huh?! Not until you get through me first, pal! This is the battle that changes EVERYTHING, you fatass! WE FINALLY GET TO DECIDE WHO IS STRONGER: SOME COMMON PLUMBER FILTH, OR THE MIGHTY JR. TROOOOOPAAAAAAA!!!"
Mario turned to his partners, and they all shrugged lightly.
"Might as well," said Lakilester. Mario and Jr. Troopa charged at eachother, and a historic yet pretty much useless battle sequence took place.
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 50 FP: 45
Goombario
Kooper
Bombette
Parakarry
Bow
Watt
Sushie
Lakilester
VS.
Jr. Troopa HP: 60
"Now…I'm gonna use every single power I've learned to take you out once and for all, buddy!" yelled Jr. Troopa to Mario.
"Bring it on!" said the partners.
Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 4 damage.
Sushie uses Belly Flop. Does 3 damage.
Jr. Troopa charges at Mario. Does 5 damage.
Mario uses Mega Jump on Jr. Troopa. Does 8 damage.
Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 3 damage.
"Hmmm…" said Jr. Troopa, quietly in thought for a moment. "Looks like I'll have to change my tactics…WATCH THIS!"
Jr. Troopa hides in his eggshell. Defense is increased by 1.
Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 3 damage.
Bombette uses Bomb. Does 4 damage.
Jr. Troopa charges at Mario. Does 5 damage. Defense is lowered back to 2.
Mario uses Mega Smash on Jr. Troopa. Does 8 damage.
Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 2 damage.
"Alright, now I'm mad. MORE POWER!" cried the annoying young villain.
Jr. Troopa switches to his wings and spiked hat form.
Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa. Does 2 damage.
Parakarry uses Air Raid. Does 4 damage.
Jr. Troopa swoops out at Mario. Does 7 damage.
Mario uses Jump on Jr. Troopa. Does 2 damage.
Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 5 damage.
"MORE POWER!!" yelled Jr. Troopa.
Jr. Troopa switches to magic staff form.
Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa. Does 2 damage.
Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 2 damage.
Jr. Troopa uses Magic Projectile Attack. Does 9 damage to Mario.
Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 4 damage.
Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 2 damage.
Jr. Troopa uses Immobilizing Magic Projectile Attack. Immobilizes Mario for 3 turns and immobilizes Goombario for 4 turns.
Jr. Troopa uses Magical Projectile Attack. Does 9 damage to Mario.
Jr. Troopa uses Another Damn Magical Projectile Attack. Does 9 damage to Mario.
Mario is de-immobilized.
Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa. Does 2 damage.
Jr. Troopa fell to the ground. "GAAAAAH! CURSES!!" he cried. "I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! HOW COULD MARIO DEFEAT ME AT MY STRONGEST?!!"
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
"Okay, Peach, we're coming!" yelled Goombario.
"Shut it, you. That's my line," said Mario irritably.
Mario and co. ran up one final staircase and quickly prepared for the great battle against King Bowser…
Green beans and chicken in taco sauce and honey mustard.
…Okay, just where did that come from?...
---
Peach's Castle
Mario ran straight into the front lawn of Peach's Castle, which now looked more like a front lawn on top of an evil overgrown turtle's castle. They all immediately rushed into the castle, and ran into several random rooms, finding helpful items along the way, yet the princess was nowhere to be found.
One of the random rooms the adventurers ran into contained the treasure chest that was linked to Merluvlee's treasure chest back in Shooting Star Summit. Goombario said, "Gee, that chest sure looks similar to the one in Merluvlee's house…Oh, I get it now! This chest is LINKED to the same one in Merluvlee's house!"
"There's one thing I don't understand," said Mario irritably. "If this chest is linked to Merluvlee's place, why couldn't we just all hop into Merluvlee's treasure chest and be transported up here instead of having to travel through the heavens and break our backs getting through Bowser's Castle?!"
"We really need to have a word with these developers and how stupid they make us at times…" muttered Bombette.
"Right," said Goombario, "but now's not the time for that. We've got a dumb broad to save, folks, and now's the time to do it!"
Before they all left the room, our heroes noticed a Toad running out of a closet, and they asked him if they could rest in the room for a while.
"You sure can, Mario! I'm so glad you've made it all the way to this point!" said the Toad gleefully. "Just remember, if you think you're going to be brutally murdered by Bowser, you better save the game first."
Everyone looked oddly at the Toad.
"What?" said the Toad. "Oh…heh…save the game?! What was I thinking when I said THAT?...Hahahahaha!"
"…Alright then," Mario said, jumping into a nearby bed and resting with the other partners.
A COUPLE HOURS LATER…
Mario and co. were now walking slower and more carefully than ever as they inched toward the final large door on the castle's third floor. After entering it, they continued to walk like complete slugs up a few staircases. Finally, after three long hours of slow walking, they giggled after pissing off the author so much and slowly twisted the final door handle leading to Peach's private quarters.
The adventurers quickly and furiously barged through the door when they found out it was locked, and they thought for a minute that the darkened, moonlit room was empty. Mario saw the shattered window Bowser drove through at the beginning of this quest, and he gulped, completely unaware as to where the villain may be. Then, out of nowhere…
"MARIO!! Oh, thank the Dahli Lama that you're here!" cried the princess' voice from the hallway's end.
"Who?" said Mario.
"Nevermind," said Peach, struggling as she was tied to a rope hanging from the ceiling. "Just get me out of here already!"
Mario turned to look at the tied-up princess, and his mind snapped back to a similar moment…
---
-FLASHBACK TO SUPER MARIO RPG-
After the final Jump attack had made contact with Bowser's head, the evil brute toppled over on his chandelier and yelled, "UGH, CURSE YOU, MARIO! How could you defeat me AGAIN!?"
"Oh, thank you so much, Mario!" cried Princess Toadstool/Peach as she tried to wriggle free of the rope holding her to the ceiling. "Now, please try to help untie me, would you?"
"Alright, alright, alright," said Mario, who was clearly not in a hurry. He walked over to where he was right below Toadstool/Peach, looked up her dress, began drooling, and frantically started to jump in place, wondering that if he hit the rope enough times, it would break and everybody would eventually live happily ever after.
Just as Mario was about to break the final strand of the rope, an almighty voice boomed out, "BOWSERRRR!! YOU HAVEN'T PAID THE RENT FOR 3 MONTHS, AND I'M TAKING THIS CASTLE!...uh, I mean…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"
An amazingly large sword the size of the Mushroom State Building crashed down through all of Bowser's Keep, and the force of the landing blew Toadstool/Peach, Mario, and Bowser all in different directions, spreading them far across the kingdom…
END FLASHBACK
---
"Ha ha ha ha ha, I'm NOT falling for that again!" said Mario happily.
"What are you talking about, Mario?!" Peach yelled.
"You know what happened the last time you were tied up like that," Mario said calmly. "That huge Exor sword crashed through the castle and sent us all flying in different directions. Like I said, I'm NOT falling for that a second time! Hahahahahaha, okay, Exor, you can come out now!"
"The hell are you talking about, tubby?!" shouted Bowser's voice as the villain came flying in on his Koopa Kar. "This isn't a sequel to Super Mario RPG or anything, so you really shouldn't be expecting Exor to separate us all again. This time, we're REALLY gonna fight, and we're REALLY gonna decide who is the best!"
"That's right, Mario and friends!" shouted Kammy Koopa, who had also flown into the room on her trusty broomstick. "Have you already forgotten that His Supremeness wields the power of the Star Rod?"
"Well guess what, you old hag?" Goombario yelled. "You may have that cool shining thingy, but we have the TRUE power of the seven Star Spirits and the Mushroom Kingdom on our side!"
"You're going down!" cried Bow.
"Absolutely!" said Sushie.
"Yep!" said Parakarry.
"Let me finish this…" mumbled Bowser, fumbling around and finally taking the Star Rod out of his shell. "Is THIS what you runts want!? You'll have to FIGHT me for it, then! There's no way you can beat me…I will prove that I am truly INVINCIBLE!"
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 50 FP: 50
Goombario
Kooper
Bombette
Parakarry
Bow
Watt
Sushie
Lakilester
VS.
Bowser HP: 50
"Now, let's start, shall we?" said Bowser, a terrible grin forming on his face.
Mario jumps on Bowser. Does 4 damage.
Goombario uses Charge. Attack power is charged by 2 points.
Bowser uses Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 3 damage.
Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.
Goombario uses Charge. Attack power is charged by another 2 points.
"Hmm…" said Bowser. "…I think it's time I go with the usual."
Bowser uses the Star Rod. Is permanently invincible to all attacks.
WAY too easy, thought Mario.
Mario uses the Star Beam. The Star Spirits are summoned immediately.
All the Star Spirits were quite surprised by Mario's sudden request to use the Star Beam. Eldstar was reading on a couch, Mamar was getting a tan, Skolar was eating chicken at a dining table, Muskular and Misstar were doing the unspeakable, Klevar was shaving his legs, and Kalmar was frowning and contemplating the meaning of life. All the spirits were still doing these things when they popped up in the battle, and they all screamed with surprise and hurriedly sped toward Bowser.
The Star Spirits attack Bowser. The Star Rod's power is disabled.
"WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAT THHHHHEEEEEE—" the villainous Koopa king screamed as his invincibility was gone in a flash.
"That'll teach you to mess with the Star Spirits, beotch!" Muskular said directly in Bowser's face.
"Oh, I swear I'm going to pound you ALL into the dust…" muttered Bowser.
Goombario unleashes his charged Headbonk on Bowser. Does a whopping 12 damage.
Bowser breathes fire at Mario. Does 10 damage.
Mario uses Mega Jump on Bowser. Does 9 damage.
Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 4 damage.
Bowser uses Fury Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 7 damage.
Mario jumps on Bowser. Does 4 damage.
Bombette uses Body Slam. Does 4 damage.
Bowser uses the Star Rod. Is permanently invincible to all attacks.
"Silly Bowser, tricks are for cowards!" Mario said, laughing.
"…Huh?" said Bowser, raising an eyebrow.
Mario uses Star Beam. The Star Rod's power is once again disabled.
Parakarry uses Shell Shot. Does 6 damage.
Bowser uses Star Blast. Does 3 damage to Mario, poisons Mario, and knocks out Parakarry for 4 turns.
Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.
"GYYYYYAAAAAAACK! I've been defeated? But how?..." cried Bowser.
"Because you're apparently too stupid to realize that the Star Rod's clearly not gonna work a second time," Mario said.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
"Hmm…This is pretty embarrassing, I'll admit," said Bowser, sighing and gasping for air after his defeat. "But Mario…You and your friends are still just a minor annoyance! That was like a warm-up for me…See you at the top of the princess' castle, you pathetic plumber!" The evil king suddenly grabbed Peach after untying her, then flew off with Kammy right behind him.
"Mario!" Eldstar cried. "You must get to the castle's top before it's too late! Hurry, tubby, you can make it!"
"I'll go if you stop calling me 'Tubby'. Capiche?" said Mario irritably.
Eldstar huddled together with the other spirits, rapidly talked to them in Japanese for a moment, then turned back to Mario and said, "Capiche. NOW MOVE IT, FATASS! YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS IN DANGER, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED!"
"Fine, I'm going!" said Mario, running up the next staircase with the other eight adventurers. "AND SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!"
Mario and co. came to an outside part of the castle right under the very top, and saw Peach screaming Mario's name as she was brought to a large platform at the castle's top by Bowser and Kammy. Mario and the other heroes quickly followed, refilling their stats and…uh…okay, okay, they SAVED THE GAME…and rushing up to a bridge leading to the humongous arena high in the sky.
"There! Bowser, Peach, and Kammy are over there!" shouted a familiar voice from somewhere off in the distance.
"BOWSER?! PEACH!? KAMMY?! WHERE!!?" shouted all the adventurers as they looked frantically around the area.
"Over on the arena, you freaking nitwits!" shouted the voice. A Star Kid flew over to the heroes, and the shouting indeed belonged to the Star Kid, who was none other than Twink the Star Weirdo—uh—Kid.
"Twink?!" yelled Mario. "Hey, little weird man! Haven't seen you in ages!"
"Well, I was eaten by Bowser, and was nearly digested before he threw up after hearing one of Kammy's funniest jokes, which in turn was my ticket out of his stomach," said Twink hurriedly. "There, does that answer your burning questions?"
"…" was all the adventurers said.
And so, the ten good guys ran across the bridge before it completely collapsed, stopping immediately on the arena, which was about seventy or so times the size of Mario. And that's saying a lot! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
"SHUT UP, AUTHOR! YOU MAKE THE WORST WEIGHT JOKES EVER!" screamed Mario at the screen.
"We'll wonder who the heck you were talking to later, plumber boy," said Bowser. "For now, it's about time we finish this entire adventure, and prove that I'm indeed invincible."
"But you aren't exactly invincible," said Mario. "I mean, the Star Beam fixes that every time."
"Quite the contrary, my chubby Italian friend!" the fiendish king yelled victoriously. "NOW…EVERYBODY IN THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM, AND EVEN THE WORLD…BEHOLD, AS MARIO MARIO, YOUR ONLY HOPE, SUCCUMBS TO THE POWER OF ME, KING BOWSER, THE KICKASS KING OF ALL THAT IS COOL!!! FIRE IT UP, KAMMY!!"
"Right away, Your Invincibleness," said Kammy, giving a devoted military salute to her king and flipping a nearby switch. Suddenly, the arena roared with electronic laughter, and the eyes on the arena's face lit up with a devious orange glow. A strange blue aura surrounded Bowser, along with him growing to a triumphant size, and he happily held up the Star Rod in the air.
Meanwhile, Peach watched on in fear next to Kammy, and Twink flew over to her.
"TWINK!" she cried, tearfully embracing the Star Kid. "I don't believe it…You're actually alive?"
"Long story," muttered Twink. "We're gonna have to help Mario and the partners somehow…"
"I know, but I'm just not sure how we'll do that at the moment," Peach said.
"No need for you to help your boyfriend get defeated, dearie," said Kammy as she calmly watched the beginning battle from the sidelines. "He'll be doing a mighty fine job by himself! Bleck hyeck hyuck hyuck!"
"Mario WILL defeat your bird-brained king, you hag! Just you wait and see!" shouted the princess, turning to Kammy and furiously folding her arms. "And he's NOT my boyfriend!"
---
!!!BEGIN FINAL BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 50
Goombario
Kooper
Bombette
Parakarry
Bow
Watt
Sushie
Lakilester
VS.
King Bowser "The Invincible, Kickass King of All Things Cool and Villainous" Koopa HP: 99
"99 HP?!" cried Mario. "We better finish you off fast, then…"
"Oh…just you wait until you see what's in store for you…hee hee hee…" mumbled Bowser.
Mario uses Mega Smash on Bowser. Does 9 damage.
Watt uses Electro Dash on Bowser. Does 5 damage.
"Good job, guys, we're already getting there!" shouted Parakarry, trying to keep the partners' hopes up.
"Getting there? Pfft, not even close, Mail Boy," said Bowser. Parakarry furiously blushed and silently pouted.
Mario uses Mega Jump. Does 9 damage to Bowser.
Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 5 damage.
"Okay, okay, I think it's time I show you just what Kammy's arena can do…NO MORE MONKEY BUSINESS!" Bowser waved the Star Rod, and he gained invincibility.
Mario uses Star Beam….And it doesn't work! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!
"OH NO! IT'S NOT WORKING!" screamed Bombette and Kooper, holding eachother in total fear. They looked nervously into eachother's eyes for a minute.
Kooper then said, "Bombette…I've always loved you, from the very minute I laid eyes on you. Okay, I know I'm not the smartest of the group…But…it's your beautiful backside that actually helps me walk in the same direction as the rest of the party, and you're just plain hot."
"…" was all Bombette said for a minute. Then, her eyes melted into a mixture of compassion and love, and she said, "Oh, c'mere, you…" and gave Kooper an amazing, minute-long kiss.
"Oh, thank you God…Thank you…" Kooper quietly gurgled with pure bliss and happiness in his voice.
"Listen, folks!" snapped Parakarry. "I understand that this is the clichéd romantic and mushy moment of the comedy, but—"
"Parakarry…" whispered Sushie. "I confess that I've always had quite the thing for you too, dear…"
"HOLY COW!" shouted the hapless Paratroopa as Sushie furiously smooched him all over the face, toppling eachother over onto the ground.
"I'll continue talking for him okay guys okay okay!?" screeched Watt at the top of her lungs so everybody could hear her over the two couples' kissing and grunting. "So yeah like I do understand that you guys get all mushy and romantic at this point in the climactic battle but the point is that Bowser is invincible and the crappy Star Beam ain't working so we gotta find a new strategy to beat this guy's ass ASAP okay does everybody agree with me because it's important that you agree with me because otherwise you'd basically be betraying a party member and that's not good because then you'd be like Benedict Goomba and everybody would hate you even Bowser and that ugly old hag in the purple cloak and—"
"WE GET IT, WATT!!!" Goombario shouted. "So, what can we do now…?"
!!!FINAL BATTLE SEQUENCE INTERMISSION!!!
---
"No…" whispered Peach. "Oh, no! Twink, the Star Beam isn't working on Bowser anymore!"
"It just goes to show you that even the strongest of magical attacks have expiration dates," Twink said in anger.
"I doubt that's the case," said Peach firmly. "It's just that…Kammy's arena has amplified Bowser's power and invincibility so much that the Star Beam doesn't do anything anymore!"
"Oh, shut it, the both of you!" shouted Kammy. "And just to ensure that you don't help Mario…"
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE INSIDE OF A BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Peach HP: Go ask the gods, I don't know. Sheesh…
Twink HP: Again, I don't know, go ask Albert Einstein or something…Wait, he's dead, isn't he?...
VS.
Kammy Koopa HP: 10. OOOOOH, SCARY! Well, actually, if you are as weak as Peach, I suppose it actually is a bit scary.
Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 0 damage.
"PFFFT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA cough cough cough….Did I just feel a breeze!? You have to do a whole lot better than that!" said Kammy.
Kammy drops a light-as-a-feather block on Twink. Does 10,000 damage.
"TWINK!" screamed Peach.
"I'm okay…Not like I haven't felt this kind of pain before…" Twink said calmly.
Peach prays for Twink. Raises his attack power by 1.
Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 1 damage.
"WHAT!?" shouted the ugly old Magikoopa woman. "That little punk can actually hurt me all of a sudden? Something is really fishy here….HEY! YOU BETTER NOT BE TAKING STEROIDS!"
Kammy drops a light-as-a-feather block on Twink. Does 5,000 damage.
"And his defense is increased, too?" said Kammy in disbelief.
Peach prays for Twink. Inreases attack power by another point.
Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 2 damage.
"Okay, now to stop this crap…" mumbled Kammy.
Kammy drops a light-as-a-feather block on Twink. Does 2,500 damage.
Peach prays for Twink. Increases attack power by another point.
Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 3 damage.
Kammy drops a light-as-a-feather block on Twink. Doesn't do jack shit to Twink.
"Wha…whaaaa?...It can't be…My attacks aren't working…" muttered Kammy, backing away from Twink a little.
Peach prays for Twink. Increases attack power by another point.
Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 4 damage. Kammy Koopa faints.
"OH, HOLY MOTHER OF FISH STICKS!" cried Kammy as her broom was destroyed and she fell to the ground and possibly broke a thing or two.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE INSIDE A BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
"Forgive…me…Lord…Bowser…Shooooooooot………" muttered Kammy, her voice getting quieter and quieter.
"Bye-bye, ugly old fly!" said Peach, giggling and waving a mock goodbye to Kammy's limp body.
"Let's make annoying smartass rhymes later," said Twink. "For now, I believe that…if we can get the prayers of all the Mushroom Kingdom citizens, we could create a new beam to disable Bowser's increased invincibility!"
"Really? Let's give it a try, Twink!" said Peach. She smiled, and silently prayed as much as she could. For some creepy reason, every single citizen across the kingdom could feel the princess' praying sensation, and they all joined in soon enough. An amazing amount of wishes was actually beginning to make a spark of magic in the air in front of Peach that soon morphed into a pink aura of possibly proportional pretty pink power.
"Remarkable!" said Eldstar, gasping at the sight of the new aura.
"Splendid!" cried Mamar.
"Impressive…" muttered Skolar.
"Sweet!" said Muskular.
"Amazing…" said Misstar.
"Revolutionary!" cried Klevar.
"Too many comments!" shouted Kalmar.
Everyone scowled at the seventh Star Spirit.
"…What?..." he said, nervously looking at everybody.
"I don't believe it…" said Eldstar. "Peach and Twink have actually started the creation of a new defense-breaking beam! Send as much of your power to the aura as possible, everyone!"
Everyone on the arena except Bowser sent power to the aura, whether it was through wishes, praying, closing eyes tightly, reaching hands out, or even passing gas. The aura soon grew to a large proportion, and it spread across Mario and co.
"Behold…THE PEACH BEAM!" they all shouted triumphantly to Bowser, who had just been staring with his jaw dropped at the amazing sight.
"Hmmm…NO MATTER!" he then shouted, furiously breathing flames into the heavens. "Now is the time I dispose of you the old-fashioned way. I don't need any of this invincibility crap when I could already beat you with my eyes closed anyway! Let's fight!"
"With pleasure!" said all nine of our heroes.
And they did, of course.
---
!!!CONTINUE INTERRUPTED FINAL BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 50 FP: 50
Goombario
Kooper
Bombette
Parakarry
Bow
Watt
Sushie
Lakilester
VS.
King Bowser "The Invincible, Kickass King of All that is Cool and Evil" Koopa HP: 99
"Time to kick some butt and take some names, runts!" shouted Bowser. "I'm invincible, and there's nothing you can do about it in a million years! BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"
Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.
Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 4 damage.
Bowser breathes fire at Mario. Does 10 damage.
Mario uses Mega Jump on Bowser. Does 9 damage.
Goombario uses Charge. Increases attack power by 2 points.
"Okay, here we go again," said Bowser, waving the Star Rod.
Bowser uses the Star Rod. Is permanently invincible.
Mario uses the Peach Beam. Invincibility is disabled.
Bowser groaned loudly and continued the fight.
Goombario uses Charge. Increases attack power by another 2 points.
Bowser uses Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 3 damage.
Mario uses Mega Smash on Bowser. Does 9 damage.
Goombario unleashes his charged Headbonk. Does 12 damage.
Bowser uses Thunder. Does 8 damage to Mario and knocks out Goombario for 4 turns.
Mario uses Mega Jump on Bowser. Does 9 damage.
Bombette uses Bomb. Does 6 damage.
Bowser uses the Star Rod. Is permanently invincible.
Mario uses the Peach Beam. The Star Rod is disabled.
Bombette uses Bomb. Does 6 damage.
Bowser uses Fury Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 7 damage.
Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.
Parakarry uses Air Raid. Does 5 damage.
"Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy," said Bowser.
Bowser heals 30 of his HP.
Mario uses Mega Jump. Does 9 damage.
Bow uses Outta Sight. Mario is invisible for the enemy's attack.
Bowser uses Mega Cool Bowser Attack. Misses Mario.
Outta Sight wears off.
Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.
Bowser breathes fire at Mario. Does 10 damage.
Mario uses Mega Smash on Bowser. Does 9 damage.
Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 5 damage.
Bowser uses Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 3 damage and poisons Mario.
Mario uses Ultra Shroom and Thunder Rage in one turn. Heals 50 HP and does 5 damage to Bowser.
Watt uses Turbo Charge. Increases Mario's attack power by 1 for 3 turns.
Bowser uses Star Blast. Does 3 damage to Mario and knocks out Watt for 4 turns.
Mario uses Jammin' Jelly and Fire Flower in one turn. Refills 50 FP and does 3 damage to Bowser.
Sushie uses Squirt. Does 6 damage.
Bowser heals 30 of his HP.
Mario throws the I Can't Believe This Fight Is Taking So Long So I'll Make It Just A Bit Shorter Tantrum. Does 25 damage to Bowser.
"CURSE YOU AND YOUR TANTRUMS!" cried Bowser.
Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage to Bowser.
Bowser uses Mega Cool Bowser Attack. Does 16 damage to Mario and knocks out the whole party for 5 turns. Bowser also increases defense by 3.
"What!?" cried Mario. "Oh, this is so unfair!"
"Quit yer whining and keep fighting!" yelled Bowser.
Turbo Charge wears off.
Mario uses Mega Smash on Bowser. Does 6 damage.
Bowser does the Bowser Super Cool Attack Move Showcase. Attacks several times and does 30 damage to Mario, also disabling his ability to use badges.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" laughed the villainously villainous villain. "I still have 3 HP left, yet you're down to 1 HP, your entire party is unconscious, and you have no recovery or offensive items left!! Any last words!?"
"…Rosebud…" croaked Mario, holding his chest and gasping for air.
"…What the hell?" said Bowser, dumbfounded by Mario's request of a last word.
"Oh, shut up. You heard me," Mario snapped.
Meanwhile, Twink was running around the arena in excitement about something.
"I found the greatest pebble in the world, guys!" he cried happily. "See how round and perfectly shaped it is?! And look at the shine on it! It's amazing, I tell y—"
Suddenly, the Star Kid somehow tripped while floating in the air, and the pebble flew smack into Bowser's forehead.
A pebble hits Bowser. Does 3 damage. Bowser faints!!
!!!END FINAL BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the defeated king. "I've been defeated by Mario AGAIN?! Oh, what am I kidding?...He always beats me, damn it…This time I become invincible…And…And…And…AND HE STILL BEATS ME! DAAAARRRRNNNN IIIIIIIIT! WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
The Star Rod fell out of his grasp, and Mario ran over and picked it up.
YOU GOT THE FANTASTIC SHINING WISH-GRANTING THINGY, THE STAR ROD!! YOU BETTER GIVE THIS BACK TO THE STAR SPIRITS, OR THEY'LL GET PRETTY PISSED ABOUT YOU DECIDING TO KEEP IT, YOU MISERABLE, GREEDY SON OF A GUN!
"Twink, you did it!" cried Peach, hugging Twink again. "You defeated Bowser, of all people! And so did Mario and co., but only barely! But the point is, you beat him!! HOORAY!"
"Huh?" said Twink dumbly. "I did?"
"Yes!" said Peach. "The pebble that hit him in the head ricocheted right off, and Bowser toppled right over!"
"Ricocheted?" yelled Twink. He dashed over to the arena's edge and saw the pebble fall into the bottomless night sky below.
"NNNNOOOO!" he cried, tears pouring down his face. "PEEEEEEEEEBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEE!!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO END THIS WAY!? OH, WHYYYYYYYYY!?"
Kammy limped over to her defeated leader, and mumbled something quickly.
"Huh? Spit it out, Kammy!" he shouted at her, absolutely insane about losing to Mario yet again.
"Your Defeatedness," she said, "the tension of your battle with Mario and his partners was so large that it seems to have effected the arena in a negative way…"
"And by that, you mean?..." said Bowser, already not liking the answer he was about to get.
"Sir, due to the battle's tension, and the fact that the arena's power is internally linked with your castle…" began Kammy. "…I'm afraid to say that both your castle and this very spot are about to explode in 3, 2, 1—"
Bowser screamed to the very heavens themselves as the arena and the castle exploded, creating a huge flash of red light and black smoke to appear in the skies. Both him and his loyal hag of an assistant were blown away completely and fell to the earth far down below…
---
The Sky, Later
Luckily, the Star Spirits were aware of the explosion beforehand and encased Peach's Castle and everybody else in the arena in a huge yellow bubble that calmly floated down through the sky as Bowser and Kammy, still screaming with fright, kept rapidly dropping down near them.
"Mario…" began Eldstar on the front lawn of Peach's Castle, "We are all so very impressed by your bravery and heroism shown throughout the years."
"Yes indeed," said Mamar. "You, Goombario, Kooper, Bombette, Parakarry, Bow, Watt, Sushie, and Lakilester have proven to us all that you could defeat King Bowser for the umpteenth time in a row with a hand tied behind your back."
Skolar said, "Mario, keep up the good work, and I guarantee you that you'll be the greatest living legend the Mushroom Kingdom has EVER known…Not as great as Cheepi Hendrix, of course, but great nonetheless." The wise purple spirit smiled greatly.
Muskular then said, "Mario…I told you to show all of your enemies what heroism and ass-kicking is all about, and by golly, you sure did even blow me out of the water by doing so! I have to admit I'm slightly jealous of your strength and how you most likely get a lot more oral than me nowadays…"
Peach blushed, and Misstar slapped Muskular hard. "Splendid job, tubby—I mean, Mario," said Misstar. "Not only have you proved that you're handsome, but you've also shown spirit and determination along with all of your partners!"
"What a wise old man you will turn out to be, Mario. I could only dream of trouncing villains like you do, alas," said Klevar. "Perhaps Bowser has finally learned his lesson, and will never even dare to bother our everyday lives ever again."
Everybody was quiet for a moment, then they all shook their heads and said, "Nah!" in unison.
"So…heh," said Kalmar in a shy tone. "I suppose this is the part where I compliment you on your skill, bravery, determination, strength, whatever. Eh, I can't think of anything. So sue me, hahaha!"
"Twink…" said Eldstar as he turned to the young Star Kid. "You have also shown an excellent array of cunning, helpfulness, and heroism throughout this insane parody fanfic—I mean, videogame—er, adventure—er…WHATEVER! Like I was saying…I mean, I'm very impressed that you were the one who delivered the final blow to Bowser after all! And with your caring for Peach, Mario, and everyone else, I think…I think you have truly proven yourself to be a worthy, grown up Star! You may even become a Star Spirit with us one day!"
"Whoa! Really, Eldstar!?" said Twink with pure excitement.
Eldstar grinned. "Really," he said.
Twink zoomed around the encased castle wildly. "OOOOOOOOHHHHH YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH! TAKE THAT, BIAAAAAAAAATCHES! UNGH, OH YEAH!"
"Shut up," Eldstar irritably muttered.
"Sorry," said Twink, immediately coming to a halt.
"Now, we must be going with the Star Rod, everybody," said Eldstar. "Wishes can't grant themselves, you know!" The Star Spirits left, but Twink stayed behind for a bit.
"Peach…There's something I've been meaning to tell you…" he said. "I think…I…Man, these dots are annoying…I think I love you, Peach!"
Peach stared at the Star Kid for a while, then said, "Hahaha, that's wonderful, Twink! But are you really telling the truth?"
"It's not that true," said Twink, "But I just had to up the romantic tension a bit, you know what I'm saying? I was actually fonder of the pebble, anyway. See you all later!"
Mario, the partners, and Peach all said goodbye to Twink as the little Star Kid flew up to Star Haven for the first time along with all the others.
Goombario said, "Mario, traveling with you has helped me learn a whole lot of stuff about adventuring, and it's made my head a bit harder, too! Heh heh! Anyway, thanks so very much for letting me tag along on the journey. I sure hope I wasn't too much trouble or hassle."
Kooper said, "Mario, me and Bombette have decided to start living in Koopa Village together, and we can equally agree that you're the best person we could ever ask to travel with. Bowser's been defeated again, and it's all thanks to us and especially you, pal!"
"Mario," began Parakarry, "Sushie and I have also considered living together in some tropical place soon, and we'd be honored if you could come over to see us every once in a while. I've learned a lot about the Mushroom Kingdom in my travels with you, along with Sushie, and we're glad to have contributed to Bowser's defeat this time. Now we'd just like to settle down somewhere. I like the sound of Keelhaul Key. I just hope it isn't used as a location in the next Paper Mario game, because that would just ruin all our privacy…"
"Well, Mario," said Bow, "I can wholeheartedly agree that after getting out of the mansion and seeing the world in a new light while traveling with you, I've become an all-around better person. Thank you."
Watt then delivered a long and very rapid thank-you speech to Mario. Mario and Peach didn't quite understand everything she said, but they were sure it was a lot of really nice stuff.
"And I guess I'm last, of course," said Lakilester. "Well, Mario, I may…er…still suck at being evil in any imaginable way, but I've definitely gotten better at reading the script, and now I can safely and happily go back home and show Lakilulu that I have indeed proved myself to be kickass as a hero. And it's all thanks to you, my chubby Italian brother from another mother!"
"Well, shouldn't the castle be landing right now?" said Peach thoughtfully.
"Uh…" said Goombario nervously. "Well, the Star Spirits aren't here anymore, so their magic is most likely not slowing down our fall anymore either…"
Mario, Peach, and the eight other heroes of the Mushroom Kingdom looked down at the castle, noticing that it was frozen in space for the few seconds when they realized what would happen.
"Oh, fu—" grumbled Mario right before all of Princess Peach's Castle rapidly dropped through the rest of the sky like a red-and-white blur, the ten good guys screaming themselves hoarse all the way down.
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A/N: No final author's note for you until the epilogue, bub!