Chapter 10: The Release Bought with Blood
I watch as the great doors open and I feel my heart sink. To have survived so much only to return here to die, if not by my captor's hands, then by the hollow, or simply by being taken up the grand stairway and returned to that pure white room. I am about halfway across the room when Aizen's voice stops me. I turn back to face him, knowing, as he does, how this must end.
He approaches me slowly, like a black-clad executioner about to let me know which form of death I will endure. As long as it is fast, and not… He is gazing into my eyes, his own telling me that he is as trapped in this as I am. He is wishing now that he had killed me long ago…before… He reaches me and his hands rise to my throat. He gently reaches around and releases the catch on the red pendant. Behind Aizen, Gin's eyes spark and his smile widens as it falls away. Now Aizen reaches for my wrists. I feel the metal bands begin to form and suddenly I know the manner of my undoing…and it is too much. I cannot bear even the thought of the emptiness of the white room…of sitting alone forever, staring out across the spinning sands, longing for a life, taken from me, not once, but twice.
Some corner of my mind tells me that tears are wrong, that they should be held back, but there is no holding back the dread, the hopelessness, the leaving of the only light I knew. My legs give way and I hit the cold stone floor, not even feeling the pain in my knees. I place my palms on the floor to feel the stone's coolness. I lower myself down to rest my face there next. My body gives in and my heart breaks loose in silent wrenching cries. Gentle hands reach down, but they are not here for my comfort. They are only there to loosen and remove Senbonzakura. It is the last time I will see my zanpakuto and I cannot look.
"Sosuke," I manage, choking on the name, "Please, not this way!"
But there is no other way for him now. I cannot be his shield or sword. I know it because I am his heart. And I have become too broken. What he feels will not allow him to claim my life now, so like his own heart, I am doomed to spend the remaining days of my life a captive, something hidden away in the darkness for its own protection, only to die of loneliness in that cold place inside. I will be given no mercy, no relief, and no remaining hope.
"I am sorry," he says finally, not meeting my eyes, "This is all I can do for you. You will return to your own room…and I will not make any further advances. I will remove your memories to relieve your concerns, then I will leave you alone, Byakuya. But you will never leave this fortress again. I cannot guarantee your safety outside these walls, so you shall not leave them."
His hand comes to rest on his zanpakutou.
"Take Byakuya to his room. I shall be there presently."
Hands take hold of me now and they are not his, because he cannot bear to touch or even look at me. He knows what he has done to both of us and the sobs that break forth from me are the ones he holds inside. It is no use to fight them, but I throw every bit of my strength into tearing at them, screaming my defiance, letting him know that I have no reason now to hold back. It is what I would have done, how hard I would have fought if I hadn't been bound so tightly when I first arrived. Their hands become rough, but at the sound of his voice, they become more cautious, merely seeking to control my movements. I strain against them until my strength ebbs, and finally I collapse at their feet. They simply reach down to pick me up and carry me. I fall still as the stairs approach, feeling the deadness begin to set in.
There is a sound rising up outside the great doors…a deep rumbling that shakes the foundation of the fortress that holds me. It is as though the metal bands on my wrists have somehow failed and the power of my heart is breaking free. The doors suddenly burst into a shower of red and golden fire, causing my handlers to drop me as all eyes turn. There is a flash of red, a red as familiar to me as the red of my own blood. Fire blazes across the room and my handlers fall. Aizen and Gin face the invader alone now…and it is more than I can stand. As awful as my own fate is, I cannot watch him die. I cannot watch him fall, watch the redness drain away into the cold stone. I can't even save him, but he can save me even if it means we'll die together. I have no choice in what I am about to do.
I shouldn't be able to move so quickly, but the metal bands at my wrists suddenly shatter under the force of my desperation and my flash step engages. I am across the room in a heartbeat and I suddenly feel the warm weight of my vice captain at my back. Luckily, he read my move before I made it, so Zabimaru arcs around me, firing a red blast at my captors. I see their faces clearly now, Gin's triumphant, but Aizen's, twisted into something that looks like fear. I don't understand. I was going to die anyway and he knew it.
The killing force of two zanpakutous blaze through me and into the one behind me. I have only cushioned the blow, lessened the damage and it is worth the price to my body. His arm is wrapped protectively around my waist and he moves to break our fall as we drop to the floor together. I hear him call my name and I feel tears my pain-wracked body cannot cry. Aizen's face is ashen as he moves towards us, sheathing his zanpakutou. I can feel Renji moaning in pain against my back. Aizen moves closer and I hear myself pleading with him to stop. I don't want him to hurt the one who is only here to protect me. But Renji attacked him and I know what that means. Still Aizen stops and drops slowly to his knees beside me. As Gin watches in the distance, Aizen leans over me, telling me in a whisper that I must be still. He examines my wounds, then places a gentle hand on my face. His words make their way through the haze of pain that surrounds me.
"You were right, Byakuya. There are some creatures who are not meant to be held in captivity, and you are one. So there will be no more between us. I will not hold you here any longer. You are free. Go."
He leans down and kisses my tear-stained cheek, then places Senbonzakura carefully beside me. He stands and moves to Gin's side, not looking back at me.
"Come," he tells Gin as they start to leave.
"Shall I give them the final blow?" Gin asks.
"No, that will not be necessary," comes the soft reply.
But I have seen the glint in Gin's eye and I know it comes anyway. I feel it arc over the room and head to where I lie with Renji's arm still wrapped around my waist. I grip the hand that is wrapped around Zabimaru and I watch Shinzou close in. There is a growing golden glow swooping over us now, something huge sweeping down. It blocks the sword that reaches for us. There is the sickening sound of metal biting into flesh and a youthful cry of pain that becomes a raging battle cry. There is a deafening screech and the sound of metal shattering. Aizen and Gin are running now. Fire explodes forward from that place in front of me and the two barely manage to escape. The room goes silent and the golden light fades. I hear the heavy thud that can only be a body falling.
I turn my head so I can meet Renji's eyes, but they are closed. I can't tell if he's breathing, because the tears are in my eyes again. I didn't want this. I was going to die anyway…and now two more went before me in futility. I know they swore to protect me…and they have not failed in that duty. They have done what Renji said it was their job to do…one I wish he had abandoned sooner, because even though I knew it was his duty, I couldn't bear to be the reason he was lost…not after all I took from him. And it wasn't enough to simply return what I took, because as Aizen said to me, some things cannot be returned once taken. I cannot bear the pain, but neither can I move. I am frozen on the fortress floor in the arms of one who shouldn't even be there. But he did save me from that pure white room at the top of those stairs, from the second loss of memory that would have followed, from the slow death inside…and I kiss his pale lips and tell him softly that I am in his debt. Now I'm drowning in redness, but I feel Zabimaru, his hand, his warmth at my back, Senbonzakura beside me. I close my eyes and sink down into the darkness. Footsteps approach, but it no longer matters whether they are friend or foe. We are making our escape. We are going home. The one final gift in all of this is that as Aizen's footsteps fade in the distance, the past that was lost to me continues its painfully slow return. I…remember…
"How about a game of tag, Little Byakuya?"
"We should not shed tears. That is the surrender of the body to the heart. It is only proof that emotions are nothing but a burden."
"The past five years have been like a wonderful, beautiful dream, Byakuya."
"Rukia, her name is Rukia."
"I'm Renji Abarai, sir, your new vice captain.
"Brother, please…don't!"
"It's been a long time…Byakuya!"
"Where are you going, Renji?"
"Congratulations, that time your fang definitely reached me."
"You're her brother, aren't you? So the question that needs to be asked is why the hell aren't you trying to save her?"
"Ichigo Kurosaki, I thank you. Rukia…I'm sorry."
"You're going to die as part of our great plan!"
"Stop talking nonsense!"
"Ban Kai, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."
"So, we meet here again, Renji!"
XXXXXXXXXX
Byakuya felt a harsh wrenching pain send the message to his anguished body that he wasn't dead yet. He had no awareness of whether he remained in the fortress, or if he had been taken elsewhere. In a dim corner of his mind, he vaguely remembered being lifted and moved, that simple action dragging a deep cry of agony from his semiconscious form. So he must have been removed, but by whom and to what place? He felt the coppery taste of blood in his mouth mingled with the bitterness of medicine…so that meant that he was among allies? He tried to move experimentally and was shocked at the sound that rose out of him as he did so. Gentle hands pushed him down and a familiar voice sounded in his ears, although he wasn't sure where he had heard that voice before.
"Hanatarou…?"
The name seemed to rise out of the darkness.
"Try to stay still, Captain Kuchiki. You'll reopen your wounds," Hanatarou said softly, "You were very seriously injured."
"R-Renji?" Byakuya moaned.
"It's going to be okay now. Sousuke Aizen fled. You're safe. Try to rest."
A cool cloth brushed over his face. He tried to ask for Renji again, but was unable to speak. A heavy weight sank down on him, sending him spiraling through the darkness again. As his mind spun, he could feel the soft touches of healing on his body and quiet voices breaking into his reverie.
"I can't believe they took Aizen on alone like that…I mean, they…did the impossible. It's almost worth the price but, kami!"
"I know I couldn't have done that…I couldn't, not even to save the captain's life."
"But that's why the captain entrusted them with so much…That's why they were chosen. It takes a special kind of person."
A bolt of icy coldness shot through Byakuya.
Renji! And who else? Who else had died for him?
He forced his aching limbs into motion, tearing away the blankets and dragging himself to his feet, swaying dangerously. In the haze around him, he heard shocked gasps of surprise and felt hands taking hold of him.
"Captain Kuchiki…don't! You're not well enough yet! Please, Captain!"
"No…let me go!"
He tore away from the hands and lost his balance. He fell to his knees. He sensed others arriving…more hands reaching for him. He began to fight them in earnest now, the reiatsu flaring painfully through his fireshot veins. The taste and smell of blood filled his senses again.
"Hold him! Be careful, he's bleeding again!"
"Let go!" Byakuya cried roughly, "Don't…don't…Renji…where?"
"Easy, Captain…It's going to be okay. Just try to stay calm. You've been badly injured and we're trying to help you."
He was being restrained and lifted again. His body convulsed in pain at the unforgiving motion and he couldn't fathom the strained cry that broke loose from him. He tore at the offending hands, frustrated tears rising in his eyes. They had his hands now. He felt soft restraints wrap around his wrists and ankles. But he wasn't in the fortress anymore…was he? Had he escaped? He couldn't remember.
"Please let me go…" he moaned deliriously, "I want…I have to…You can't keep me here like this!"
"I'm…I'm s-sorry sir," Hanatoro said in a trembling voice, "I wish we…didn't have to…but..but you're going to hurt yourself even more."
"Just…let me die," he heard himself beg softly, "Kami, just let me die…I don't want this."
He felt hands lift his head and something was brought to his lips. It was cool and sweet and sent him falling softly back into the hazy darkness. If he could just stay there. If only he didn't have to surface. He would never have to know the awful reality, to feel the emptiness that had opened up inside of him.
"Do you want to know the difference between you and me? It's class. It's like the story of the monkey trying to capture the moon. The monkey tries and keeps sinking into the water again and again. And still he keeps trying…"
The coldness of his own words stung him now.
"Do not move or I promise you this blade will carve you to pieces."
But it wasn't anger that drove him to say those words…it was fear. Even then, even under the weight of the young man's fury…his hatred, he hadn't wanted to hurt Renji. He hadn't wanted to kill him. His actions had been dictated by his promise to uphold the law. And even as he shattered Renji to defend what he thought he must, something inside him had shattered too. Renji already had his heart…even then. But now Renji was dead and he felt as though he had killed his lover with his own hands.
"In defense of his captain, a vice captain must be willing to yield up his life."
"Renji," he moaned softly.
He fell into a deep sleep then, his mind drifting aimlessly. When he woke again, he sensed that he was in familiar surroundings. Without even opening his eyes, he could feel the bright white walls of the healing center. He groaned inwardly. It was the first place he really remembered being…before, but if there was one place he didn't want to be… He felt a warm weight on his chest and heard a soft sigh. The weight lifted and he could feel violet eyes watching him. He knew he should know her face. She had been in his dreams, the dreams that had always disappeared…until now. He tried to move, but found himself unable. A low moan broke from his lips. It was her name…and it felt like sunshine on his face when he said it.
"Rukia."
"Shh," she said soothingly, "You're okay now, Byakuya. Just try to rest."
"Renji…" he moaned softly, drifting back towards sleep, "Rukia…where is…Renji?"
He was falling away again…so quickly that her answer could not reach him. The darkness took hold of him again. Memories rose up so vivid in his mind, so sharp with color and life that he could almost pretend he was back there in that time again.
"Abarai! How many times must I speak to you about impatience? It is everywhere with you. It is in your words, the way you move, the way you speak…and it is in this chicken scratch that you call writing!"
"Sorry, Captain Kuchiki, I'll just…clean those up."
"They are to be on my desk before you leave!"
The tears were burning in his eyes now.
"Abarai, you are late again. Have you no sense of time?"
"Sorry, Captain Kuchiki, I'll be on time tomorrow…I promise."
Why was he always apologizing? The red hair, the fiery temper…why didn't he ever seem to direct that at him? He certainly deserved it, pushing at Renji the way he did. There was only one time he had ever done such a thing.
"I assume that…you're refusing to let me pass."
"Don't make me repeat myself. I will not allow you to try to save Rukia."
"Then I'll kill you and step over your corpse!"
He found himself wishing that Renji could have made good on that threat.
"Renji, why are you here?"
"I'm here because…you're my captain."
"You're probably wishing I was dead. That's probably what you're thinking."
"No…If you were to die, then what motivation would I have for getting stronger? And in fact…Captain…"
He wondered now…if Renji could have finished, what he would have said. The unfinished thought hung in his mind, taunting him because now there was no way to ever know.
"Renji, you've spent years chasing me, trying to surpass me. What were those efforts for, if not to reach excellence? Is it enough to know you can reach out and touch the moon if you never intend to attempt it?"
"I ask again, Byakuya…Why do you care?"
"Why do I care?Do you really need to ask that? I would think that the reasons would be obvious to you, Renji. Even if you didn't have my heart, you have served me faithfully for years, watching my back and following my commands, even when you hated me. Somewhere along the line, you stopped hating me, and the reasons for your behavior changed. Your reasons are no longer clear to me. What is it you intend to gain by holding yourself back and refusing to remove yourself from my shadow?"
"Why don't you want me at your side, Byakuya?"
The thought that Renji believed such a thing for even a moment was unbearably painful now. The tears broke free and his body shook painfully. He felt Rukia's warm hands on his face. Her voice was soft and soothing, but the words made no sense to him. He felt her pull away and moaned softly, trying to reach out for her, stopped by the soft restraints. Her hand touched him and she said something he couldn't understand…but the intent was clear. She would return. He tried to sleep, but the torment was too much. He could feel Renji's reiatsu approaching. It reached out to him and wrapped around him, tearing an agonized sob from deep within him. He was sure now that he was losing his mind…because even now, he felt warm, calloused hands touching him, releasing the restraints, and heard Renji's voice.
"What the hell were they thinking…after what you've been through…"
The hands touched his face. Warm lips moved lightly against his.
"Byakuya, I'm here now."
The voice sounded so real, so close. Could it be that…?
"Byakuya, can you hear me?"
He struggled against the darkness, pushing his mind upward, latching onto that comforting voice, that familiar touch. If Renji was dead, then Byakuya wished nothing more than to join him…but if he was alive… He forced his eyes open and blinked, trying to clear them. The form that leaned over him was hazy and distorted to his eyes, but there was no mistaking it.
"Renji," he managed in a whisper.
"Hai, Byakuya," came the soft reply, "I'm right here."
"Renji…I heard them say…and I thought that you were…gone."
"I'm sorry," he said, his eyes holding sympathy and some guilt, "I didn't know you thought that. I should have made sure you knew…but you were really out of it for awhile."
"Renji, if you ever frighten me like that again, I swear I will kill you with my bare hands!"
"Sorry, Byakuya, I would have come sooner, but I was unconscious for a while and then…"
"But…if it wasn't you I heard them talking about…then who?"
"It was Rikichi…stupid kid! I told him to stay back. But he saw us get hit and go down and…"
"Rikichi," Byakuya repeated, a youthful face slowly coming into focus in his mind, "Renji, is he…"
"No…they think he'll live, but that's where I went as soon as I woke. They said you were going to live, but they didn't think he would. I had a talk with him, though. I told him he needed to get his sorry ass back here. I mean, if he plans to replace me as your vice captain…"
Byakuya swallowed hard against the tears that threatened at those words.
"So…you intend to accept my recommendation?"
"I know you heard what I said to him that night. I told him I wouldn't leave your side until I knew you would have someone to watch your back the way I did. The kid's amazing, Byakuya!"
"What happened? What did he do?"
"He saved both of us. He ran forward as Aizen and Gin stabbed us. He used his Ban Kai and stopped Gin from giving us the final blow. Gin drove that damned zanpakuto through him. He should have died right then. But this light came out of his zanpakuto. It looked like some kind of huge version of his fire eagle. It broke Shinzou, then went straight for them and scared the hell out of them…sent them running. And then the rescue force came in. All this time…we all wanted to find you, to save you, and who does it? Some snot-nosed kid who still can't manage to control hell butterflies!"
"You trained that snot-nosed kid, Renji," Byakuya said softly, "That kind of courage, that presence of mind…it reminds me of another kid…a street-rat from the Rukon District. He couldn't write legibly, was never on time, and was impossibly impatient…but he stood up to his captain and had the strength to fight him when he knew the captain was wrong. And now that street-rat is going to be a captain, himself."
"Byakuya…"
"Renji, there is one last bit of knowledge I need to pass on to you before you take that step. You told Rikichi that in defense of his captain, he must be ready to yield up his life. Well, that may be true, but…it is the duty of a captain to watch over his division, to protect those lives that may have to be given up for him. He must grow to know each of them, to bring out their strength and pull them together to work as one. Each time someone dies, it is a weight on the captain's heart…because none of us want to lose even one of those we lead. It is an impossible task…to want to keep them all safe, but captains tend to be perfectionists, even when it comes to themselves. So as a captain, you must honor the loyalty and protect the lives of your subordinates…and sometimes that means putting your own life at risk…or dying. I didn't know this when I became a captain…I learned it…from a snot-nosed street-rat from the Rukon District."
"Byakuya…I…"
"Renji, you sought for all of this time to surpass me, and I think that when you consider how much I've learned from you, I can no longer be considered your superior," Byakuya said firmly, "I never want to hear you speak to me as though you are anything less than my equal...not ever again."
Renji was quiet for a moment.
"Arigatou, Byakuya," he replied softly.
Renji studied Byakuya's still pale features.
"So…how are you doing now?" he asked softly.
Byakuya closed his eyes for a moment.
"It's hard to believe I'm here. I'm even a little afraid to believe it. You must realize, Sousuke Aizen could create something this real and entrap my mind…and I might not know…"
"You don't need to worry about that. This is real, Byakuya. You are back home," he said, squeezing his hand.
"I wouldn't be here if you hadn't come for me. When you arrived, Sousuke Aizen was sealing away my spirit energy. He took Senbonzakura. He was going to take everything away again," Byakuya said, tears forming in his eyes again, "I fought with all I had left, but it wasn't enough. They were taking me to that room. He…"
"Hey, it's okay now. You're home…and you're remembering things. Everything will be okay now, but kami, Byakuya, why'd you throw yourself in front of me like that? You almost died. Those zanpakutou went right through you! Did you forget just who was supposed to save who?"
"Renji…I couldn't just stand there and watch them kill you. I…don't want you to be hurt or killed because of me."
"That's really it…isn't it, Byakuya? That's why you've been pushing so hard for me to promote."
Byakuya released a long sigh.
"Honestly…yes…although I didn't really understand it myself before. Renji, in all of the time we've known each other, it seems all I've done is to take things from you. I took Rukia, but that was only the beginning. Because I also beat down your pride with my callousness…I took away your ability to protect Rukia from being executed. Then, when I was brought down by my own mistakes, I took comfort. Even in this…I made a mistake. Maybe if I had recalled you, I wouldn't have ended up in Aizen's hands at all. I put you in a position I never wanted to. I put you in a position where you could have died defending me."
"Byakuya…" Renji said, looking concerned, "It wasn't your fault that Aizen took you. You didn't ask to be abducted, to have your mind ripped apart like that. And anyway, I was doing my job."
"Renji…that was another mistake I made. I assumed that you promoting was a way to keep you from dying in my defense. But I was wrong about that. You didn't come after me because it was your job."
"No…I…guess it really wasn't that. I love you…simple as that. And that means that if you are in danger, nothing will stop me from trying to protect you."
"And I couldn't change that now, either by you promoting or by trying to escape what we have between us."
"Yeah…you're pretty much stuck with the fact that I will always be there to defend you."
"You don't think, after what I did to you…pushing you away, not recalling you when I should have…" he stopped, the tears threatening again.
Renji brushed the tears away.
"Don't do that, Byakuya. I…never blamed you for any of that. You need to stop doing this to yourself. Let it go. I'm glad you helped me prepare to become a captain and pushed me to take that step, even though I know that you don't want me to leave the squad."
"No, I don't…but I think it's time," Byakuya admitted softly.
"Yeah, I know. But we'll still see each other a lot. I mean, we are life partners…and that means I'm going to be there for you while you settle back into normal life."
"Renji, I'll be all right…but I am glad you will be there. My memories are returning, but there is still much that hasn't come back. To be honest, I can't even picture what home looks like. I know some names and faces, but…"
"Well, it won't be long before you'll have everything back. We'll make sure of that."
Byakuya nodded, his eyes suddenly feeling heavy.
"You look like you need some more sleep, Byakuya."
"Renji," Byakuya said sleepily.
"Hai, Byakuya."
"Will you stay a bit longer…please?"
Renji's eyes glistened and he turned back, sitting down next to Byakuya again.
"Sure thing, Bya."
"Renji…"
"Hai."
"Don't call me that."
"Sorry…Byakuya."
Byakuya turned carefully, so that he was resting on his stomach, his head rested on his arms, and closed his eyes. Leaning forward, Renji brought his head to rest on Byakuya's back and closed his eyes as well.