SOS
Please someone help meIt's not healthy to feel way
Y.O.U. are making this hard
You got me tossin' and turnin'
I can't sleep at night
Rhianna, "SOS"
L was not a man to let his emotions get the best of him. He rarely become angry and when he did, he never raised his voice. He prided himself on his ability to keep his cool under the most trying circumstances and that was how, through logical thinking and patience, he had gained the title of the Best of the Best.
However, when he was with Raito, he became a different man. His passions got the better of him. He was prone to picking fights, losing his temper and letting his feelings run away with him. It wasn't like he wanted to antagonize her but she set something aflame in him, something that he was afraid of, something that he didn't want to be controlled by.
It was just like back then, when he'd fallen madly in love with the police chief's daughter and actually married her (L? Married? Those two words should never be said in the same sentence.). Even now, he had no idea what had possessed him to do that. He'd never been carried away by emotions, always keeping a clear focus on his goals. So what was it about Raito that made him like this?
Well, there was an answer to that but he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. He didn't even think he was ready to deal with that again because of the pain he'd kept bottled inside for years. He had always considered himself a fair man in his dealings with others, even though he was willing to go to extreme lengths for the sake of justice. Whenever someone said something to him, he always knew what to answer back just to make them shut up.
But in this case, it was vice versa. He knew he'd wronged Raito and whenever she brought it up, he had nothing to say to defend himself.
Guess I'm not used to having someone to answer to, he mused darkly. Hunched forward, he slowly walked across the hall, the sunlight pouring in through the full-length windows, illuminating his surroundings. Here was Wammy's House, the place where he'd grown up, the place that he called home. He'd decided to bring Raito to this 'sanctuary' as a truce because she used to needle him a lot about his background, ask him questions that he would skillfully avoid. And now, while she was impressed with the orphanage, she didn't ask him much about how he came to be here, about his life before her, never wanted to know the actual details.
Then again, he couldn't blame her for that. He'd blown her off two years ago in the most inhuman way capable and he'd be a fool for expecting her to act like nothing had happened.
But then, despite his reluctance to admit it, he'd always been a fool for Raito. Ever since the day he laid eyes on her in her school, delivering a passionate speech about the flaws in the Japanese judiciary system, L had been totally smitten with the young woman.
How unlike him. L, who had always been a loner, known among his trusted associates, i.e. Watari and Roger, had fallen deeply in love with a seventeen-year-old high school senior and married her in secret soon after she'd turned eighteen. Not exactly what he'd planned when he had gone to Japan to solve that case but he supposed that he'd been on a sugar rush that had nothing to do with actual sugar, only the sweet taste of Raito's lips, and he'd gotten carried away by such a new experience.
And L was never one to get carried away.
Perhaps that was why he resented her and she resented him, because they both blamed each other for something uncharacteristic they did.
It was so easy to blame other people for something you did on your own. L was more than familiar with criminals who placed the blame on outside sources for their own misdeeds but he'd never imagined that he would fall into that category.
Yet another reason to pick on Raito.
I should stop doing that, he reprimanded himself. After all, he was the guilty one, not her. He was older of the two and therefore, he should have been more understanding. She was his wife, not a criminal, and he shouldn't have taken such harsh steps just to get back at her for their argument just before he left.
That was it. From now on, he would avoid all personal conversation with Raito. God, he shouldn't even talk to her unless he had something to say about their case, the most important thing, because he didn't think he could keep standing it if she kept throwing that (and with all good reason) at his face each time she got a chance.
Now, now, he couldn't make her the scrape goat because he'd done a fair share of egging her on. Raito was a wonderful woman, he'd never change his mind about that. She would never be mean to someone unnecessarily. In fact, he didn't even think that she had it in her to be mean but what he had done to her...he deserved her meanness and so much more.
Absently, he saw one of the maids pass by, busily cleaning up the sprawled toys on the floor. It must have been Near. He'd told that boy many times that he should keep his Lego and puzzles in his room, but Near would get distracted and bring them outside and create a mess for everyone. Once, L had sprained his ankle on a runaway truck on the floor, and stayed in bed for a week.
Well, at least, he noticed, there were no toy trucks or cars on the loose this time.
The maid saw him and nodded and greeting, keeping her head down in respect. He nodded back. Funny what the staff thought of him – some kind of rich weirdo who didn't get out in the light often.
And what got to him the most was that Raito appeared to think he was some kind of monster, that he didn't give a damn about her, and while she had an excellent reason to think that, it hurt him because he really did care and he didn't want any harm to befall her.
He had started to climb up the stairs when he heard the door fling open behind him and the sound of hurried footsteps, the clicking of familiar heels, quickly catch up with him.
He didn't need to look over his shoulder to know that it was Raito.
"Hey," she said, following him. "Ryuuzaki. Don't you dare walk away from me."
"Is there something you wanted to say to me?" he inquired with a drawl, not bothering to stop and look at her until he reached the top of the stairs. She followed him all the way with determination.
"Don't you dare pretend that everything's okay," her eyes flashed with rage. "I hate you playing some kind of martyr every time I bring that up. I think it's time you gave me some answers."
L gave her a bored look. "Answers?" he echoed in disbelief as he turned around to catch her eyes. "When you agreed to come here and work with me, I did not arrange to give you any 'answers'. If you're so curious, I suggest you ask Watari since you seem to give more value to his word than mine."
She opened her mouth to protest but he got there first. "I never claimed that things were all right," he went on. "This may come as quite a shock to Raito-kun but between the two of us, I am too old for games of pretend."
Brown eyes widened with incredulity. "Pretend?" she exclaimed. "Who's playing pretend? You're the one who goes around under thirty-thousand aliases and you think that I'm playing pretend?"
"Yet I'm more than honest with myself, and the things that I want," L chided, forgetting what he'd been musing of earlier. "I conduct my behavior accordingly, and I don't delude myself about it."
"Delude yourself?" she was getting more furious every minute. "So you think that you owe honesty only to yourself and hence, you can do anything you like to others? And you think that I'm deluded?" She scoffed at this.
"Delusion suits you better, doesn't it? " L said it thoughtfully, as though he were analyzing criminal behavior as part of an intricate puzzle. "As for me, I am very clear with myself in what I want, and as for others, I only say what needs to be said. I do not complicate things unnecessarily."
"Oh, is that so?" she retorted, momentarily taking a step back to regard him fully. "So you think that you didn't need to say anything to me when you walked out on me? You were always so...full of crap," she spat the word out, "saying that you'd always be there for me, and that you cared and that was how you showed it?" She took a deep breath. "And you bastard, for all your honesty, I know you don't give the damn about Misa so there's no need to talk about her and ask for her autograph or about the next issue of the God damn magazine because that is so mature, Ryuuzaki." She narrowed those beautiful almond-shaped eyes, peering at him.
"Is Raito-kun again trying to indirectly imply something?" L asked. "Yes, I do think she should try blunt honesty instead, she was so good at it a few minutes ago."
"I bet you were with other women," she continued venomously, taking his advice. "With all your goofiness, I wouldn't find it hard to belief if you'd managed to seduce someone else and then leave her without a word."
L stared at her blankly, his mouth slightly agape. His wide eyes blinked and he had nothing to say; yet the look on his face was perhaps stricken disbelief.
The idea of any other woman after he had been with Raito was ludicrous. Completely absurd. L stared at Raito, her eyes so fiery and fierce, her face with the commanding presence of a warrior, fueled all by her own passion and determination in everything she said and did. To think that there would ever be anyone like Raito, anyone that could ever radiate with such intensity as she... L found himself in a rare circumstance where not even he could find words to reply.
Raito glared at him, her hands clenched in fists. "Don't play dumb with me, you bastard," she threatened in a low voice. "You took off without a word. Just like that. Only because we had one stupid fight. The only rational conclusion one can draw that you had another woman on mind and that's why you never wanted me."
L was quiet, and not for the first time, that night replayed in his head. The night he had rejected her - he couldn't go through with it then. The look on her face that night, the confusion and hurt was something that she had been quick to hide. As intelligent as she was, she drew all the wrong conclusions, and L was overcome with the familiar and lonely feeling that he was the only one in the world who knew the truth. "Words are a tool of communication," he finally said. "But actions are also a tool of communication."
Raito's widened in astonishment and anger when she heard those words. He already knew that she was getting the wrong idea because he hadn't meant it that way but she was thinking that he was referring to their separation.
Why are you so dense?
The hand came flying through the air, toward his face - all of Raito's frustrations gathered at her palm, and in her eyes there was obviously one thing one her mind: deliverance of justice. But there was no justice in ignorance, and L was a meticulous detective. As the hand was only a short distance away from connecting with his cheek, he reacted with lightning reflex. His arm shot up and his fingers grabbed hold of her wrist. He redirected the inertia by pulling her forward by the arm, and there was only a brief second where he saw the look of surprise and anger on her face when like gravity, his lips collided against her own.
L registered her muffled omph, the sudden tightening of her body at the unexpected proximity, growing rigid like a bow. His hands moved around her on their own accord, pulling her close to him, arms moving around her slender back, holding her strongly. Her mouth had been open from the surprise and he took full advantage to plunder it, his tongue slipping past her soft lips to taste that warm sweetness – oh, it had been so long since he'd had this!
He felt Raito's hands tighten against his chest and he held her and kissed her, drowning her scent, her softness. Everything that was her intoxicated him like a drug and he wasn't sure that he wanted to go to rehab.
She didn't struggle against him. Just stood there in mute stupor as his palms pressed against her back, urging her even closer, deepening the kiss, willing them both to forget everything else.
But reality came knocking on the door soon and while L considered himself to be very realistic, he wasn't sure that he wanted to be pulled away from this sweetness, where he could pretend that things were all right and their fight had been over something very trivial.
Raito was the first one to pull back from the kiss and turn her from him, trying to push L away. It took a moment for him to snap out of that dazed stupor, the silliness of wondering where her lips had gone, why they weren't touching his because it had felt so perfect.
Cursed reality.
"W-what are you doing?" she stuttered, still shocked from the kiss, breaking away from his embrace, filling him with sudden emptiness.
L looked down at her with what he hoped was calmness. "I was kissing you: that much is in your intellectual capabilities to deduce."
Raito stared at him dumbly as if her brain was too muddled up to say something logical, and L suddenly felt very much on the spotlight. He wanted to scratch his head and slink back into the shadows but his feet were glued on the floor and his hands would rather touch her than touch himself.
He watched her as her fingers came up to press against her mouth, which was still swollen from his kiss, red and glistening like a ripe plum, and he felt the heat rising to his face. Which was disturbing because he never blushed.
She swallowed. He watched the movement of her slender throat with fascination. He'd always loved her neck, it was long and graceful like a swan's, every bit her –
"Ah, Ryuuzaki," Roger's voice sounded down the corridor. They both turned to find him approaching them with a pleased smile on his face. He was dressed in his usual tweed suit, not feeling the heat.
"I'm glad I found you," he said to L after he'd nodded a little greeting to Raito. "There's something very important that I need to discuss with you. If we could have a word in private..."
"Of course," L conceded, allowing himself to be led away by the older man. When he looked over his shoulder, Raito's back was already turned as she headed towards her room, her steps hurried as if she couldn't wait to get away from him.
How had this happened?
Raito's brain was still muddled up when she reached her room, softly closing the door behind her. The past few moments still felt like a dream.
And a very disturbing one at that.
Shaking, she sat beside the bed, her face contorted in an expression of disbelief, eyes pained, forehead wrinkled, hands slightly shaking.
L had kissed her.
L had kissed her.
Numbly, she reached out and took a pillow, pressing it against her breast as a means of support but she found no comfort therein, and wished that she had someone to talk to.
No. No, it was better this way; it was better that she was alone because she didn't trust her mouth not to say the wrong things.
Oh, she'd always thought she could get control of a situation with her logical thinking, analyzing various pieces of information pertaining to the circumstances, and come out victorious, but what had taken place just minutes ago went over her head – she could not believe it had happened.
L had kissed her. With tongue.
She moistened her lips, her mouth still feeling like it had a foreign object but one that she wasn't sure she wanted to get rid of.
No, that's forbidden territory, don't go there.
She had no idea how it had happened. No, wait, she did.
They'd been fighting and he was being a real bastard and she'd raised her hand to slap him, like he deserved to be, and then he'd pulled her into his arms and kissed her like he was some kind of hero from a cheap romance novel.
(Well, she didn't have much to say to defend herself since she was acting pretty irrationally, too.)
Her mind replayed the kiss over and over, outlining the details even when she kept telling herself to stop it but her mind had yet another mind of its own. Still shaking, she moved to lie back against her pillows and stare up at the blank ceiling emptily, her mouth still tasting of…L.
When was the last time he'd kissed her?
Years ago, when they'd had their first (and last) serious argument shortly after their runaway wedding. She told him that she had been waiting forthis all her life, saving herself so that she could enjoy such pleasures with the man she wanted to grow old with. (Oh, how young and foolish she'd been.) She remembered embracing him, kissing him, urging sweetly to take what she felt was rightfully his, she'd been so willing.
And he'd refused her right to her face.
Raito had never had a man refuse her so directly.
True, she had never been with too many men, and never intimately, but she could name at least fifteen male classmates who would give anything just to be with her.'
But L had blown her off in the coldest way imaginable, and also, with lamest excuse – that everything was going too fast, she was too young and they should wait for the right time.
Now Raito was a reasonable young woman, more reasonable most of her peers. But even she, being a genius, had not been able to fathom what time could be more perfect than their wedding night.
Certainly, it hadn't been immediately after her wedding, just a few days later, but why had he refused her? What made him want to wait longer? They'd already been seeing each other for months, wasn't it time to let out those feelings? In a marriage bed?
But Raito had soon found out that there was no 'marriage bed' (she sneered at those words) and the only reason why L had wedded her in the first place was so that she could help him in his detective work, making that her raison d'être.
Everything had come crashing down like glass walls around her the day she'd learned he'd gone back to England without letting her know. Ryuuzaki was a liar, he was selfish and she should never have given her heart to him so trustingly. She actually used to think that she was a good judge of character but L had changed all that.
And now, he'd kissed her.
Her treacherous heart had already begun to betray her as she felt the resurfacing of old feelings. She shut her eyes and shook her head to clear it. If only she could shake her heart like that.
No, she would not – could not allow Ryuuzaki to make a fool out of her again with his innocent looks and passionate (she hated to use that adjective) kisses, and she would most certainly not allow him to keep her with him through emotional manipulation and lies.
(But she'd missed his kisses.)
Absolutely not!
(She'd missed the familiarity of his slender hands touching her like he'd touched her so many times before; his soft, flat fingertips pressing against her back like cat-paws, his mouth hot and moist to her own, his arms strong and crushing…)
Oh, dear, she was thinking like a romance heroine, wasn't she?
No. This had to stop. She could not let this go further from a kiss, a kiss that shouldn't have happened in the first place. She had to end it right now before things got any worse, before they reached a point where she wouldn't be able to handle them…or be sure if she did want to handle them. Like an honorable person, she would live up to her end of the deal and demand that he live up to his, and that was all she could ask for. And soon after, they would part and go their separate ways.
L had kissed her in front of the stairs passionately.
And no matter how hard Raito tried, it was one image, one feeling that refused to leave her for the rest of the day.
At least for the next fifteen minutes when she received some distressing news.
L had always been someone who could concentrate on something with all his mind but right now, his thoughts were wandering in the direction of a fiery brunette just a few rooms away. He crouched before Roger at his desk, half-listening to the expense charts and budget control and something about the new instructors that they needed. At another time, L would have been more than happy to give Roger his full attention but right now, he was more interested in Raito and what had happened between them.
He didn't know what had possessed him to grab her like that and kiss her. He was normally not a forceful person and he certainly didn't go around showering people with kisses, especially if those people were Raito. But when she was around...she brought something out of him, an animal waiting to break free.
(And mate.)
(And no, he was not going in there.)
The taste of her still lingered about him. He could still smell her perfume, something so subtle and sweet, dreamlike and sharp, contradicting each other, making sense and not making sense.
He was itching to leave the room and take a walk in the topmost floor, away from all these business matters and distractions, be left alone with time to think, about his actions about Raito.
"Are you listening, L?" Roger asked, perhaps feeling stupid that while he was talking away, L wasn't really listening to anything that he said.
"Yes," said L, and then he felt a little guilty. Concentrate on Wammy's House, forget Raito. She doesn't matter to you anyway.
Yes, that was right. He had a future in Wammy's House. He had a responsibility in the upbringing of the orphanage so that he could choose the worthiest among them to succeed his title.
"You seem to be awfully distracted about something." Roger frowned and pressed his fingertips together.
L blinked. "Something?" he echoed.
"I saw you with Ms. Yagami," Roger confessed, suddenly looking uncomfortable. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
L suddenly felt like a child before a concerned principal. "No," he drew his knees closer to himself and looked away at the carpet.
Roger sighed. L knew that sigh. It was something he was used to hearing from the older man when he had been troublesome as a child.
"I don't know much about your history with Ms. Yagami," Roger leaned back, not taking his eyes off of L. "All I know is what you told me when you came back from Japan."
"There's nothing much to tell, Roger-san," L replied. "Yagami-kun and I don't have much of a history."
"Then what point was there in talking to her now?" Roger pressed. It wasn't like him to question L but L guessed that this whole situation with Raito was bothering him, too. "You could have ended things two years ago. Why did you leave it hanging for so long?"
The question disturbed L. It would be a lie to say that he'd never given it much thought over the past two years. The thought had crossed his mind several times when he would see his inbox flooded with her e-mails but he still didn't know what had made him keep her hanging like that. He could say that it was a punishment to teach her a lesson but that was far too cruel, especially when he had to admit that she had done nothing to deserve such a fate.
L would never confide this in anyone but the guilt still plagued him like a swarm of locusts, the pain she must have felt, all the tears she must have cried.
And his conscience demanded, How could you have done this to her?
So, he hid his guilt under a mask of indifference and cool insults just to show her that he didn't care, that the guilt didn't hurt him.
But what did it mean in the end of the day? What was he going to get out of it?
He wondered what she was thinking in her room. Was she as confused as he was? Was she raking through her brain, searching for endless explanations on why he'd kissed, each more undesirable than the last? What was the conclusion that she would finally reach?
Ah, yes. Naturally, she would think that he kissed her only to manipulate her, show her who was boss, and that wasn't true. But L didn't know what was true because he himself wasn't sure why he'd kissed her.
So unlikely of him to do things without thinking them over. (Usually, he'd spend a considerable amount of time planning something.) What had gotten into him?
(Raito.)
(No way.)
"Have you tried talking to her?" Roger asked gently.
L blinked again, confused by the question. "About what?" And why was Roger acting like the responsible guardian all of a sudden?
"About this," Roger made a gesture to encompass everything between L and Raito.
The younger man felt depressed. "There's nothing much to talk about. We have an agreement to work on the case, solve it, and then dissolve our marriage."
"You don't think there's hope of any salvage?"
Now that astonished L. He stared questioningly at Roger. "It was over two years ago," he pointed out.
"Yet you seem to be more self-conscious when she's around," Roger reasoned, his blue eyes piercing. L didn't like feeling so exposed. "And you never care about what other people think of you."
Well, that was true. But L didn't want to talk about it. He pouted and averted his gaze. "I have no wish to continue this conversation."
Roger sighed again and rubbed his eyes as though dealing with L was a very tiring experience. "As you wish, Ryuuzaki," he conceded with a nod. "But – "
Before he could finish the sentence, there was a loud rapping on the door, and before either of them could ask the person to come in, Raito opened the door, her brown eyes wide and frantic.
"We can't find one of the children," she cried.
A/N: Woo hoo! They finally kissed! I hope things aren't going too fast but I don't want the fic to become stagnant so I'm moving some things along :). I'm sorry if there are typos - I do try my best to edit my work but I still miss things :(.
Thanks to Serria for roleplaying with me on this chapter:). And as for uke!Raito...well, to be honest, I myself have always preferred a dominant Raito and this is the first time I'm writing him as a girl.
sigh I've been busy with work, and then my paid account is expiring tomorrow, so I'm back to 6 icons again :(:(. Anyhow, thanks for the comments!