Going Home

Chapter 10

Soon Mike had the campfire burning nicely. Looking over at Steve, Mike sat for a minute and smiled to himself at how engrossed his partner was in the task at hand. He marvelled at how he was studying the parts closely and then how methodically he was putting all the pieces together. He thought about Steve's words and was inwardly very pleased that Steve was feeling better and he was relieved that the surprise he had planned had worked so well. When Steve had found out they were camping at first he hadn't seemed so keen and Mike had started to worry that maybe he had made the wrong decision but seeing him laughing and enjoying himself now made it all worthwhile.

After about fifteen minutes Steve had positioned the last peg and the tent was ready. Steve stood proudly admiring his work and then turned and smiled broadly at Mike.

"Not bad huh? "

Mike smiled back.

"I'm impressed buddy boy but you're sure it won't fall down on our heads later?"

Feigning a hurt expression Steve answered.

"Mike? I'm deeply wounded! How could you doubt my tent construction skills? It's as sturdy as a rock!"

The wide smile that followed on Steve's face belied his words and Mike laughed and replied.

"Ok, hotshot. I'm just kidding! You did a good job! It looks great. But you on the other hand look frozen! Come on over by the fire and warm up. The coffee's just ready."

Steve was feeling rather cold and rubbing his hands briskly together, he didn't have to be asked twice. Still smiling he made his way over to the campfire.

"Here, pull up a stump!" Mike joked as he gestured to the few tree stumps that had been placed around the campfire obviously to be used as seats.

Steve chuckled and sat down on one of them and extended his hands out toward the fire, grateful for the warmth that was coming off it. Mike poured him some coffee and spoke to the young man again.

"See, I'm a man of my word! One sugar only. Ok?" and he handed the cup to Steve.

Steve smiled gratefully at Mike and accepted the cup, wrapping both his hands around it and taking one mouthful and swallowing it. It tasted good as the hot liquid made its way down Steve's throat and Steve felt it warming him up from the inside out. It was the first cup of coffee he had enjoyed since leaving the hospital, the others having been spoiled by too much sugar, thanks to Dr. Armstrong's instructions. Mike noticed how Steve was savouring and enjoying it and couldn't help but grin.

"Taste better huh?"

"Yeah, thanks." Steve answered but just then he was distracted as he looked up and saw that the night sky above him was clear and stars filled the sky.

The moon was not quite full yet but it wasn't far off Steve figured. For a moment he was transported back in his mind to Harry's porch and the many nights they had spent stargazing together. Harry had taught him all the constellations and then he remembered the first time again that Harry had ever showed him the stars, that one special night all those years ago when he had given him the teddy bear and had finally made him feel special and unbroken. He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't heard Mike talking to him and asking him what he would like for his supper. Becoming concerned at Steve's lack of response Mike reached out a hand and squeezed Steve's shoulder.

"Steve? Are you ok?"

This simple gesture was enough to bring him back to the present and staring at Mike, he processed what he had just asked him, and then stumbling slightly over his words he answered rather unconvincingly.

"Yeah ... I'm fine ... I guess I was a million miles away ... Sorry Mike! ..."

Immediately, he broke eye contact and stared into the heart of the campfire, watching the flames as they danced and feeling the comforting warmth that emanated from them on his face.

"Yes, I could see that. I was just asking you what you'd like for your supper? I could make us some hot dogs? How does that sound huh?" Mike asked watching Steve very closely and not liking something that had changed in his demeanor.

He had seemed back to his old self while they had laughed and teased each other earlier and while he had figured out how to erect the tent, but now that sense of deep sadness and loss seemed to be consuming him again and it bothered the older man. Hearing Mike's question, Steve quickly turned and placed a hand on Mike's arm, and flustered.

"Mike ... Don't make any for me please. I'm not very hungry. I'll just stick with the coffee thanks."

Steve saw the concern grow on Mike's face and the anxious glare that followed.

"Mike ... Don't look at me like that! I'll eat tomorrow morning. I promise. Ok? I'm fine! I just ... I just can't stomach it tonight Mike. Please?"

Steve's words and pleading expression broke through Mike's resolve and while he was not happy about the young man not eating he decided to respect the boy's wishes just for now, but inwardly vowed to rectify the situation the next day.

"Ok, ok buddy boy. I can't force you to eat but you're worrying me, you do know that?" Mike commented, watching for Steve's reaction.

Steve looked suitably embarrassed and once again broke eye contact and resumed his stare up at the night sky. He hated being a burden to Mike or a cause for concern so he mumbled a response and couldn't quite mask the upset that was evident in his voice.

"I know and ... I'm sorry. "

Mike hadn't quite expected such a short, sorrowful response and decided it was time to change tactics again. Watching his partner engrossed in his stargazing he decided to comment on that instead and move the subject away from Steve's lack of appetite.

"Beautiful isn't it? Much better than a motel room ceiling. Huh buddy boy?"

Mike was rewarded by a faint smile that played about Steve's lips.

"Yeah, that's for sure. "

He didn't elaborate so Mike decided not to push him to talk but hoped that by just remaining quiet and being there with the young man that he would open up himself and talk about what was on his mind. Instead Mike stoked the fire again and poured himself a second cup of coffee and refilled Steve's. Steve nodded his thanks and sure enough after a few minutes of silence Steve spoke again.

"You know Harry and me used to sit out on the porch when I was little and we'd watch the stars just like this ... He taught me all about the different constellations. He even bought me a telescope for my sixth birthday so I could get a closer look at them. It was our special time just before bedtime. He'd make us hot chocolate and cookies and He always wrapped a blanket around my shoulders to make sure I didn't catch cold ..."

Steve trailed off momentarily as he seemed to relive those special times with his Grandfather and in the glow of the firelight Mike thought he could see moisture in his partner's eyes. Mike swallowed back the lump that appeared in his throat but remained silent, knowing his partner well enough, that sometimes the less questions you asked the more he would open up. Sure enough, again Steve continued.

"I remember the first time he showed me the stars ... it was the night he gave me the bear ... the one I gave to Ruby ..."

Steve trailed off again as if he was reluctant to recount the story and Mike decided this was one time he needed to coax just a little.

"You never did tell me that story ... I'd love to hear it ... if you want to tell me that is?"

Steve looked at Mike and seemed slightly embarrassed. Admitting to the older man that he had been afraid of the dark when he was five wasn't something he really wanted to do but it was Mike after all, and over the last few days he'd seen Steve at his worst many times, so looking back at the campfire he nervously started the story.

"After my parents died and I went to live with Harry ... it took me a while to get used to the change. You see we used to live in the town and there were street lights but Harry lived further out and at night there were no street lights at all. Everything was pitch black and you couldn't see your hand in front of your face ... I was ...Well I guess I ..."

Mike could see Steve struggling and helped out.

"You were afraid of the dark?"

Steve blushed and nodded his head.

"I know ... stupid huh?"

Mike squeezed Steve's shoulder.

"No, it wasn't stupid! Don't always be so hard on yourself! You were only five Steve! Why Jeannie was still afraid of the dark until she was eight. I used to have to put a special night light in her room. Finish the story Steve please?"

Steve smiled gratefully at Mike and felt better about continuing.

"Ok ... Well I'd been there about three days and on the fourth night Harry came into my room and asked me to go with him outside. He said there was something he wanted to show me."

"He'd figured out you were afraid huh?"

"Yeah ... I don't know how though ... I never told him ..."

Mike ruffled Steve's hair playfully.

"I guess old habits die hard huh?"

Steve chuckled at that, knowing he was referring to his habit of never telling anyone how he was feeling.

"Yeah, I guess so ... anyway I didn't want to go outside but he picked me up and carried me out onto the porch. I wouldn't look ... I don't know why exactly but after a while he coaxed me to and he showed me the night sky. He showed me all the stars and the moon and suddenly things didn't seem so scary anymore ..."

Steve paused for a minute and stared at the flames. In the silence that followed Mike watched the young man closely and knew he wasn't just referring to the dark anymore. He figured out that was probably the moment that Steve finally felt safe again after his parents death and no longer felt alone and he also figured that was probably the start of his strong bond with his Grandfather. The moment he let Harry into his heart and trust. He stayed quiet watching Steve, wondering if he would continue or if that was all he felt able to tell, but again Steve sighed and looked at Mike and again Mike was sure that in the glow from the fire that he could see tears in Steve's eyes. Mike felt his own heart break inside, remembering the amount of hurt that the five-year old Steve had to endure and before he could think of something comforting to say, Steve spoke again, albeit shakily.

"That's when he gave me the bear. But he also told me that whenever someone dies they become a new star in the sky and that's where they watch over those who are left behind ..."

Steve's voice broke and he covered it up by taking another mouthful from his coffee but Mike wasn't that easily fooled and his eagle eyes saw the way the cup shook in his hand.

"That's a beautiful thought buddy boy!" Mike answered trying to keep his own voice from wavering and then concerned at how upset Steve seemed to be he squeezed the young man's shoulder again and added.

"Thanks for telling me that story. I know it wasn't easy. Are you ok?"

Steve nodded and cleared his throat.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ok but Mike ... Can I ask you something?"

Mike looked at Steve curiously, wondering what Steve had in mind to ask but if whatever it was he needed to ask made him feel better, then Mike would gladly answer a hundred of Steve's questions.

"Sure buddy boy. Ask away!"

Steve shifted uncomfortably on the tree stump he was sitting on and without looking directly at Mike but rather directing his question almost into his coffee cup where his gaze was fixed, he asked.

"Mike, do you really believe in an afterlife? You know, somewhere where we might get to see the people we've lost again? Do you really think we'll get that chance someday?"

Mike could hear an almost desperation in Steve's voice and he wanted more than anything to reassure the young man but all he had to go on were his own beliefs so he carefully answered Steve's question.

"Well, that's the million dollar question isn't it buddy boy? You know I'm a Catholic. So yes, personally I believe in a Heaven. I believe I'll see Helen again someday but that's based on nothing but pure faith. Don't you believe there is Steve?"

Steve looked up from his cup and this time Mike thought he saw a tear running down his partner's face but again in the dim firelight Mike couldn't be certain.

"I don't know Mike! I want to believe it ... I really do but I guess my faith's not as strong as yours Mike."

The long day, the trip, and the pure raw emotion that Steve had just resurrected by telling that story to Mike, had him feeling drained again so setting down his cup on the ground he rubbed both hands over his face and rubbed at his sore, tired eyes.

"Mike is there anymore coffee?"

Seeing how exhausted Steve looked, Mike got up somewhat stiffly from where he was sitting and stretched his aching legs. He never remembered being this sore when he went camping before but then he guessed he was a lot younger back then. Patting Steve on the back, he answered.

"It's not more coffee you need Steve! It's a good night's sleep! Come on, let's call it a night huh?"

But despite how tired he felt, going to sleep was the last thing Steve wanted to do. After all the upset he had just dragged up, he didn't feel like trusting whatever dreams would come if he were to sleep, so instead he sat up straighter and tried to speak as normally as he could manage.

"No Mike! I don't want to sleep just yet. You go ahead though. I just want to sit here for a little while more. Ok?"

Mike stood looking down at the young man and knew he was avoiding sleep for the second time today and he figured it was for the same reason too, so not wanting to leave him sitting there on his own either, Mike had an idea. He clapped his hands together gleefully, startling Steve, who jumped slightly and looked up at Mike curiously.

"So you're not ready to sleep yet huh buddy boy?"

Steve shook his head still not quite sure what had gotten into the older man.

"Ok so! I just need to get something from the car and I'll be right back! "

Steve wheeled around and watched as Mike buttoned up his coat too and grabbed his flashlight. Then he looked over at the forest trail that led to the car park and saw how dark it was.

"Mike! Do you want me to go with you?"

Mike smiled and teased.

"Do you want to come with me because you're afraid something will happen to me or are you worried about something happening to you while I'm gone?"

This made Steve laugh.

"A little of both I guess." he said still laughing. "You have remembered about the bears haven't you?"

Mike chuckled.

"Don't worry I won't be long! You had better stay and keep an eye on the fire. Do you need anything from the car?"

"Ok ... no I don't think so, thanks." Then thinking of something funny he jokingly added. "Mike? You're not going to get a guitar and start singing campfire songs are you?"

Mike laughed again and grabbed Steve's shoulders from behind and shook him playfully.

"Very funny wise guy! No, I'm not getting a guitar! You know I may just need to use the facilities after drinking all that coffee. Bet you hadn't thought of that huh? You just wait until you're my age!"

The two men laughed again and Mike felt some of the tension leave Steve's shoulders. And with that Mike turned on his flashlight and headed off down the trail still chuckling. Steve watched after him until the beam of light faded and then he turned his attention back to the fire. It was dying down a little so Steve threw a couple of more sticks on the fire and stoked it up as the smoke and sparks weaved their way up into the night air.

Now alone for the first time since the hospital room this morning, Steve let his guard down momentarily and sighed a heavy sigh. He really wished there was some way that he could just clear his mind of all thoughts for a couple of hours so that he could get a few hours of dreamless sleep. Then he closed his tired eyes for a few minutes and just listened. He could hear the crackle of the fire, the flow of the river, the gentle breeze whistling through the trees and from somewhere nearby he could hear an owl hooting. He found the sounds of nature very calming and when he felt more relaxed he opened his eyes again, refilled his coffee cup and watched for Mike's return.

The minutes passed and Steve contemplated going to see if he was ok but before he got the chance he saw a beam of a flashlight making it's way back up the trail towards the camp. As it came closer he recognized Mike's silhouette and felt easier.

"I was nearly coming to see if you were ok there for a minute!"

"Sorry, it took me a while to remember where I packed them in the car. " Mike answered cryptically.

"Where you packed what?" Steve asked unable to contain his curiosity any longer.

Mike smiled his biggest smile yet and answered.

"Well, buddy boy. You don't want to sleep and you're not feeling very hungry and you don't want to sing songs!" Mike added teasingly "So all that's left is the one thing a proper camping trip wouldn't be without."

As Steve eyed him up curiously, Mike held up a bag of marshmallows, a packet of graham crackers and a large bar of chocolate and grinning from ear to ear he announced " S'mores! What do you say buddy boy? Think you could stomach one of those?"

Steve couldn't help but smile at the older man.

"Boy Mike! You really have thought of everything haven't you? I haven't had s'mores since I was a kid. Sure, why not ?"

Mike was pleased that Steve was willing to try them and getting two sticks he threaded the marshmallows on them and handed one to Steve and together they toasted them over the open fire. Then reaching behind him he produced two blankets that he had fetched from the car too.

"Here put this around you." he said handing one to Steve and draping the other one around his own shoulders to keep out the evening chill.

As they sat, wrapped in their blankets, toasting marshmallows by the fire, the two men sat in companionable silence until Mike started to laugh. Steve looked at him smiling.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Oh I was just thinking what Jeannie would say if she saw us now! Can you imagine?"

Steve chuckled.

"I'd be more worried about the guys from the precinct seeing us. I don't think we'd live that one down in a hurry. Huh?"

"True buddy boy."

Then as their laughter subsided, Mike passed Steve two crackers and some chocolate and the two men made their s'mores. Then as they both started to munch, Steve swallowed his first mouthful.

"Mmmmm ... I'd forgotten how delicious these are. Thanks Mike." and he continued to eat his and seemed to be savouring each and every bite.

Mike was equally enjoying his and was thrilled to see the enjoyment on his partner's face too. As he watched Steve, he suddenly grew serious and turned to ask Steve something but changed his mind at the last-minute. Steve saw him go to say something and stop and so he questioned the older man.

"What? You were just about to say something and you stopped. What were you going to say?"

Mike flustered a little.

"Oh, it wasn't important. I was just going to ask you something but it can wait."

"Go ahead, ask me Mike!"

"No. I don't want to go upsetting you. You've been upset enough for one day Steve. Really it can wait."

Steve felt a little anxious at Mike's last words but he persisted.

"It's ok Mike. You know you can ask me anything! I don't mind. Really!"

Mike squirmed a little but found the courage to ask.

"Ok ... I was just wondering if you had a picture of your parents Steve? You know you never even told me what their names were. You never talk about them at all in fact! I guess I'm just curious that's all. But if you'd rather not talk about them that's ok too Steve."

"That's ok. I guess I don't talk about them very much. My father's name was Richard and my mother's name was Elizabeth."

Then he reached into his trouser pocket and pulling out his wallet he took out an old black and white photo and fingered it tenderly before he handed it over to Mike. He watched as Mike put on his glasses and turned his flashlight on to study the picture. He watched as Mike smiled and spoke.

"Your mother really was beautiful. You know you look a lot like her. You have the same brown, wavy hair and the same eyes but you have your father's chin." Mike commented as he handed the picture carefully back to Steve.

Mike watched as Steve placed it carefully back in his wallet and returned the wallet to his trouser pocket and then spoke.

"Yeah, Harry always said the same." Steve said nostalgically.

"Thanks for showing it to me. Steve? Do you remember much about them?"

"Not a lot. I guess I was too young but I do remember some things."

"Tell me. What do you remember about your mother?"

Steve fell disturbingly silent, lost in memories inside his head. He seemed reluctant to talk about it so Mike felt that maybe he shouldn't have broached the subject in the first place. Not wanting to upset Steve any further he quickly spoke.

"I'm sorry Steve. I shouldn't have asked. I know it's upsetting for you. Let's just drop the subject ok?"

Steve looked up at Mike and smiled, grateful for his words but he answered.

"It's not that Mike. I don't mind talking to you about what I remember but ... well, what I remember ... well you might think it's kind of strange."

Mike looked curiously at Steve and could see Steve looking slightly embarrassed and sought to reassure him.

"Steve, why don't you tell me and I'm sure I won't find it strange at all."

"Ok. You see the main thing I remember about her was her scent." Steve looked back into the flames and seemed to blush a little."She smelled of Lily of the Valley. I don't know if it was a soap she used, or shampoo or a perfume but every time I smell it even still, I think of her. She used to read me a bedtime story every night and when she'd leave I could smell it off my pillow ..."

Steve's voice broke and he trailed off and stared into the flames, only glancing briefly at Mike once and stammering.

"See, I told you it was strange!"

Mike sat straight-faced and his heart broke as he listened to the young man's most precious memory of his beloved mother and he reached out and clasped Steve's shoulder firmly.

"No Steve. That's not strange at all."

He paused a few seconds and seemed to be struggling with his own emotions and Steve looked back at Mike with concern.

"Mike? Are you ok?"

Mike smiled at Steve briefly but then became serious again.

"Yes, I'm ok buddy boy. It just struck me that's all. You see Helen smelled of Lily of the Valley too. It was her favourite perfume. I bought it for her all the time. Helen wore this pink cardigan around the house. It was one of those cardigans that she'd never be seen dead wearing outside but inside she said it was comfortable ..."

Mike stopped for a moment and smiled as he recalled fond memories of Helen wearing that cardigan. Then he slowly continued.

"After she died ... I could still smell her perfume off that cardigan. I used to sit with it at night and when I closed my eyes I could imagine that she was still there with me. Every time the scent wore off, over the following months I would spray it again with the perfume. So you see I don't think your memory is strange at all buddy boy!"

Mike squeezed Steve's shoulder again and both men sat in silence for a few minutes. Steve was deeply touched by Mike's story and felt so sad for his loss and Mike was thinking about how sad it was that the only true memory the young man had of his mother was the smell of her skin. As the minutes passed and the fire died down a bit, Mike finally broke the silence.

"Look at us huh? A right pair of old misery guts. Let's call it a night now huh buddy boy? Come on. You look fit to drop and I feel about the same. Let's put out the fire and get some shut-eye. What do you say Steve?"

Steve was feeling drained and he didn't feel like making a fuss so he nodded wearily at Mike.

"Ok Mike."

Unlike Mike who was feeling stiff and sore from sitting on the hard stump, Steve bounded up with ease and set about damping down the fire and ensuring that it was out. Mike reminded him to put whatever food they had into the bear canister and place it a good distance away from the tent and Steve dutifully obliged and then the two men took their blankets and sleeping bags and went over to the tent. It wasn't a very big tent but it was meant to sleep three therefore there was ample room for two people to sleep in it but you had to crawl on all fours to get in the front. Steve crawled in with ease and rolling out his sleeping bag he was quickly settled into it and zipped up but Mike moaned and groaned as he crawled in the front and seemed to take longer, because of his tall frame, to manage to get his bag rolled out and get himself into it. Steve listened as Mike complained about how the tent had seemed to shrunk since the last time he had been in it and grinned to himself as Mike seemed to toss and turn, this way and that, in order to try to get comfortable. Eventually he finally settled and spoke over his shoulder.

"Goodnight Steve."

"Goodnight Mike. Sleep well!"

"You too buddy boy."

And in very little time, both men were fast asleep and sleeping soundly.