Chapter 10

Shepard

Garrus was moving his things in and looking over the room. He was looking at her ship collection.

Oh shit, her ship collection. Maybe he wouldn't notice.

She wanted to lunge across the room or distract him, but it was possible he wouldn't see it.

Ah crap. He saw it. He picked up his mandible shard. Maybe he'd just put it back down again.

Nope.

He said "Morim, why is my…face on a shelf in your room?"

She said "Our room."

He said "Still not the answer to the question."

She walked over to him and took it out of his hands and then made it fly around in her hands and she made a little engine noise "It's a shuttle, see? That way all the little Turians can get to where they want to go."

He was speechless for a moment and she made the shuttle land at other ships and her fingers mimed walking off, disembarking little Turians with little dutiful voices, saying things like "Yes, this ship has many calibrations, I can make a home here" and "Where is the score board, so I may compare my statistics with others?"

He took the piece out of her hand and said with aggravation "I do not sound like that."

She said "Of course you don't. You're not on that shuttle. You're on the Normandy, see?" She pointed to the Normandy model. "We have our own shuttle. Don't take their shuttle, that's mean."

He repeated "Why…is my…face…on a shelf in your room."

She said "I made a promise to myself that if anybody noticed, I would shoot them. Don't make me shoot you, Garrus."

He said "I'll risk it. You may not know, but displaying a mandible of a Turian is an old war practice. After subjugating a Turian from another clan, you take their mandible as proof."

She said "Oh crap. That's…that sounds like some of human history. Way to go on being as creepy as we managed to be. Wouldn't you really need two mandibles? Because you could cheat and claim two for one?" She looked at his face. "Right. Not the point. I didn't know that. But now I want it back even more."

He said "What if I tacked some of your hair to my wall?"

She said "That'd be a little weird."

He saw her eyeing the shard and held it over his head.

She said "Oh come on. I'm not going to tackle you."

He said "Would you just explain, please?" He lowered his hand but held it behind his back.

She said impatiently "Stop giving me retrieval challenges. My brain can't help but figure out how to get it away from you just because you're keeping it from me. Put it on the desk so I can concentrate. I'm like a varren if someone runs away from them. I have instincts. I can't help it."

He slowly put it down on the desk.

She said "It's embarrassing."

He said "Better than terrifying."

She said "True. Okay. When you were shot, there was so much blood. Enough outside of your body so that it was hard to believe that you had any left. I…I glued myself to you with Medigel. I tried to keep you from bleeding out by sticking a finger in your main artery and gluing it there. I was trying to keep your blood from forming a bigger pool around me. I was kneeling in your blood. After the hours of you being in surgery, when I came back here, I was covered with your blood, with the remainder of your artery still on my hand. I didn't want you to see me like that. I came back up here, and when I took off my armor, your blood was in the hinges, and so was that." She gestured to the shard. "I hadn't seen you in so long. I…I don't know. I took that piece with me into the shower. Like...a worry bead or a touchstone. I cleaned the blood and scorch off while I washed the blood off me, and it was just…nice to have a piece of you with me. When I went back down to see you, I left it there. Every now and then, if I'm thinking, I rub it between my fingers. It's comforting. It's not…I never intended for it to be a display. Just…part of you that I could keep with me."

He pulled her into a hug and pressed his mouth to the top of her head, then took the shard off the desk and said "I'm still keeping it."

She was upset way out of proportion to the weird situation. "But I told you!"

He said "You can rub me in the shower, now, Venri. I'm keeping it."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Timeline: Lair of the Shadow Broker

Shepard

Liara had given her access to a huge amount of data. She could see how and why Liara had been obsessed these last years. As an obsessive herself, it was a kindred spirit feeling. Liara, out of everybody, had stayed on point.

Morim felt a voyeuristic thrill that she hadn't felt this strongly in a while, not really since she'd stolen from people. She'd tracked people, followed their patterns, figured out how to case a place, read a mark.

This was different. This was Garrus.

She really shouldn't look.

Garrus.

She REALLY shouldn't look. She was out of practice lying to Garrus. She shouldn't lie to Garrus. She didn't want to lie to Garrus. She did not want to get caught lying to Garrus.

Could she help lying to Garrus, her brain being what it was?

Garrus.

Shit, Shepard, grow a Gods damned conscience. Let it go. Imagine that conversation. "Hey, I had the opportunity to view the Shadow Broker's dossier on you. You know, nothing major, nothing big, just your most vulnerable moments. It's not a violation of your privacy at all."

No, she wouldn't say that.

She tapped on his name. Just his name. There was a picture.

Ah shit, the picture had a label.

"Former C-Sec officer. Exceptional tactical and team-building skills. Leadership potential overshadowed by Shepard. Unlikely to fully develop under Shepard's command."

Well…fuck you, Shadow Broker. I'm glad I killed you. I mean, I was glad before, but now extra glad. You shouldn't have knocked Garrus to the ground, that's what you fucking get.

She shouted "LIARA!"

Liara turned calmly and looked at her. "Shepard?"

She said "Is it okay if I break some stuff in here? I'll replace it. Fuck. FUCK."

Liara said "Shepard –"

She said "Please, call me Morim. Really, anything breakable, just point me toward it. I won't use your…charming drone as target practice."

Liara came forward and gave her a hug "Morim. What is it?"

Morim pointed at the screen. "Fuck. I broke him. I fucking…broke him. Ah, shit."

Liara looked at the screen for a moment, considered, and then leaned on the console. "Well…"

Morim said "See?! I'm gonna cry. If it bothers you, well, if it bothers you, fuck off, I'm having a moment."

Liara smiled "Morim, I've been inside your head. It won't bother me."

Morim said "Right. Oh shit, and I'm sorry about that, it's a mess in here."

Liara said "It's okay. You can cry and you can break things if you want to. It's…an interesting mess."

Morim laughed and said "Oh, fuck you, T'Soni. Well…at least I didn't break you."

Liara said "No. You didn't break me. I'm good. I missed you, but I'm good."

Morim said "I missed you too. You're an entirely different person though. I'm really sorry I missed out on your friendship."

Liara said "You always had my friendship. Yes, I'm attracted to you and always will be, but what's more important is friendship. And…being inside your head was an inspiration. It took me a good long while to separate everything out. I was overwhelmed. My mother, the Prothean data, my attraction to you, watching you…well, anyway, I watched you. I saw who you and Garrus were together. He was already in your head before I got there. I still couldn't help letting you know, and then Kaidan had to drag me out for some sort of showdown like a child who had stolen a cookie. Yes, I still wanted that cookie, but…"

Morim started to laugh "This metaphor is getting weird."

Liara laughed "It was all weird, it's appropriate. I knew Kaidan had no chance, I wasn't really sure that Garrus would ever feel about you the way you felt about him. I didn't even know how you felt exactly. I figured…why not be as brave as I can be. Awkward, but…"

Morim said "Brave. Liara, if I had been as brave as you were, maybe I wouldn't have broken Garrus."

Liara tilted her head back and thought "I know why you're upset. I know how you broke him. It isn't about his leadership skills. It isn't about that sentence on the screen, which is right, but for the wrong reasons. I saw him at your funeral. Of all of us, then, he was broken. He was so silent, and so vigilant, and I could tell he…Morim, he wanted to kill me and I know he restrained himself. I know he blamed me for your death, for not stopping you. I wanted to try to comfort him, but there was a limit around him, a self-imposed distance. Tali was a small comfort to him, but I couldn't be. She hadn't been there on the ship with you. He didn't blame her. If I had reached out to him, tried to…hug him or touch him or tell him I was sorry, he would have torn me to pieces with his hands. He didn't want to, but he couldn't keep himself from feeling he would. I was …I was right there with you, minutes before you died. You ordered me to leave. If I'd…anyway, he knew. He knew he could have stopped you. He knew that if it had been him, if he'd been there, he would have stopped you. He blamed me, but that was only a tiny fraction of how much he blamed himself. I didn't test it, I didn't reach out to him, I respected his privacy and preference, and then he disappeared and I couldn't find him. He didn't want to be found. Garrus Vakarian died with you. What was left was Archangel. He and I went in different directions. That blame…I took it on myself. It was my burden, and he…here's where we talk about leadership. He's an exceptional leader. At your funeral, his assessment of the situation made me who I am right now. Yes, I had your example, but I had his example. No excuses, no limitations of responsibility. You would have forgiven me for letting you die. You would have said it wasn't my fault. He expected more of me. If he hadn't let me know I should have done something about it, I wouldn't have done something about it. You wouldn't be here. So no, you didn't limit his leadership skills. He has always led. You can't take that away from him. You listen to him, you follow his lead, and we all have. Every look he gave the squad over your shoulder, every turn of his eye and his expectation about the mission, he gave that to us. You were right to bring him with you because if you screwed up…and you would screw up…he would fix it. So…yes. You broke him, but you didn't limit his leadership. The important question is, and this is where you're failing the same way you failed when Garrus first got into your head…did you ask him what he wanted? Do you think that he is sorry that you broke him? Do you think he would give you up if he went back in time and had to do it over again? Do you think you will fail to help him rebuild himself, better than he was? Think carefully, because as much as he needed you, you needed him. It's likely if he gave you up, or if you made some unnecessary sacrifice and gave him up, you'd both be dead, separately."

Morim shook her head and hugged Liara. "Damn, T'Soni. That much insight is going to be very helpful in a Shadow Broker. I'm grateful you didn't let it all go to waste and that someone is smart enough to get their shit together on their own."

Liara said "I was never on my own. I had you both with me."

Morim said "You know, if you put your hand on my ass, I'll feel better about missing out on having an affair with you."

Liara said "Tempting, but I'd feel cheap, you'd tell Garrus, he'd kill me. Or want to. Again."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Timeline: Arrival

Garrus

She hadn't told him she was leaving, and all he'd gotten were a few Omni Tool alerts.

Shepard: "Out hunting. I mean shopping. Okay, hunting. Tell you about it later."

Garrus: "This doesn't count against your score. I'm still ahead. Even if you provide footage."

Shepard: "That's because I'm a biotic. I don't need a gun."

Garrus: "It's because your aim sucks and you probably shouldn't carry a gun."

Shepard: "Should I calculate how many biotic points I'd have while you will always have zero?"

Garrus: "No, you should not."

She could handle a hunt. Hell, she might be screwing with him and really was only shopping. He hadn't worried.

As time passed he realized she'd intended for him not to worry.

By the second day he had been worried. He'd talked to Joker, who had no idea why they were hovering where they were.

Garrus had asked EDI to compile a list of local transportation in the last 48 hours and had narrowed down her position by a tracer signal from her, a beacon activated if her Omni Tool was blocked on conventional channels. It still wasn't a clear signal and there was distortion that made it hard for him to know where to look, but enough information to pick a direction. He didn't want to give away how he'd found her. They might need it again. He hoped she'd be around to need it again. Fortunately he didn't have to, by the time he'd asked Joker to change course, there were no questions and Joker accepted his requests as commands.

Soon after he'd gotten another message from the same mechanism that provided the signal that located her. They were close. He wondered if she'd just sent it, or if he'd just gotten into range.

Shepard: In trouble. Don't say 'of course you are.'

Garrus: This is my 'not surprised' font.

Shepard: Went from hunting to hunted, mixed bag of both now. Comm relay out.

Garrus: Trying to locate you.

Shepard: Head to the Mass Relay. Can't miss me.

Garrus: On it.

Shepard: Out in the open soon.

He'd heard nothing more and his last response of 'Be there soon' was never answered. With her final directions, they were ready. By the time she had restored comm, they were on their way within seconds, the Mass Relay's menacing glow growing until it took up too much of the skyline.

He'd been in the shuttle after Joker scrambled to pick her up. He'd seen her stumble toward the shuttle, clutching at her sides, with a stagger to her gait, because both legs hurt equally. She couldn't even limp to spare herself the pain. He'd covered the distance and lifted her, carried her back. She'd struggled out of his grip and punched emergency intercom frequencies. Her voice was stark, jagged metal "Jeff, the moment we are on board, we need to be gone from here. Through the relay. Can you do that from this close?"

Joker's voice had returned, calm and reassuring. "Normally no, but I already figured out how I can. Hold onto something. We'll make it, Commander."

She'd closed her eyes and said quietly "Thank you."

It would have been nice and dramatic right then to have her faint, but that didn't happen. He could have had an excuse to touch her again, but she sat, with her head in her hands, breathing steadily. Calm. She held on through the turbulence.

Some part of him was screaming to reach out to her, touch her, help her, but he throttled that instinct and kicked it down. Not now. This was not about him. This was not about them. This wasn't even really about her. Whatever had happened, it was about that. She'd joked with him while she had been in this shape, asking him not to say 'I told you so' to put him at ease about her. Even though he'd known better, he'd played along. He'd follow her lead again, here. If she could do it, he could do it. Even if he didn't know why. She'd tell him.

By the time they had disembarked her spine was ice and her legs carried her without a limp. He'd walked behind her to the Med Bay, knowing that she might not have gone there if he hadn't been behind her and looking for the opportunity to take her there himself.

Dr. Chakwas had asked her a few questions about pain, and Morim had answered them quietly and inaccurately. Dr. Chakwas knocked her out without warning. Good. Karin had gathered all she was going to gather from her mental state, and turned to diagnostics and repair of her physical state. He didn't read to her, and Karin didn't make him leave. He sat in the corner like a vigil Spirit, watching over her while she slept.

He'd only left when Admiral Hackett arrived and asked if she would be able to speak to him, if Dr. Chakwas could wake her and give them some privacy.

That was in the doctor's hands, and he left before he had to hear what had happened and he was forced to inflict grievous bodily harm on a high-ranking Alliance officer.

He'd left for the Battery and mechanically worked on the Thanix integrations, which he'd done for the last 3 days, while she was gone. He'd kept it together because people needed him to keep it together. He'd eaten, he'd appeared to sleep, he'd engaged in conversation as though nothing were wrong. Nobody else was even aware she was off the ship or that it was an unusual occurrence. He realized everyone else was used to hearing from her at irregular intervals due to her absences on missions, and only he was accustomed to daily if not hourly updates.

He'd worked for a few hours before he heard from her again, after Hackett had left he assumed, once again an Omni Tool update.

Shepard: "Meet me outside. Going dark."

Outside? Outside where? She wasn't outside the Battery or in their quarters. He'd asked "EDI, where is Commander Shepard?"

She'd answered "Commander Shepard's last known location is outside the air lock. Her vital signs are monitored in her suit, though I cannot provide a visual. She has otherwise disabled local monitoring."

He asked "What do her vital signs look like?"

She said "Stable. She has an elevated heart rate over her baseline. Statistically that is normal for Commander Shepard and is not a cause for medical concern."

Garrus had said "Thanks, EDI."

Going dark. Going dark Omni Tool or going dark the vastness of space or going dark her expression when she'd come back on board?

Probably all three. He disabled his Omni Tool. He suited up and headed out the air lock.

She was sitting down, hands wrapped around her knees, looking up and out. Joker had taken them nowhere in particular that he could identify, just a jump through an anonymous Mass Relay. The relay was on the other side of the ship, so the only view was darkness and scattered stars, whatever system they were in was unknown to him. Not his stars.

The suits all had relayed intercoms, so she could talk if she wanted to. He sat down next to her and waited.

She moved so that her back was leaning against his. She'd tipped her helmet back, but it didn't reach his helmet, only the rising angle of his armor cowl. He changed his position until the backs of their helmets were touching. They sat like that a few minutes. She'd opened a comm channel to his, so he could hear her breathing.

She said in a weary, detached voice "Thank you for finding me. That Mass Relay detonated, taking out over 300,000 Batarians. I'm rounding down. That asteroid was directed into the Mass Relay by an Alliance operation, Hackett asked me to rescue someone. That someone was indoctrinated and having tea parties with a relic that liked to give questionable advice. I tried to stop her, she tried to stop me." She paused and then said thoughtfully "I had to stop her a few times. She had an unreasonable amount of security on that asteroid. Her job was to direct that asteroid into the Mass Relay to save the area from coming under Reaper invasion. The relic let her know they were coming. She decided she wanted to meet her heroes instead. I killed the person I was supposed to rescue, and I killed everyone on that asteroid either before or after the detonation. I was unconscious for two days. I'm sorry. I'm not sorry for going. I don't want to argue with you over the not sorry part. I know that's not fair."

Garrus absorbed the information and then said in a carefully casual tone "Okay. I suppose you've earned the right to a bit of drama."

She said "I'm trying to prevent drama."

Garrus said "If you say so. You realize we're sitting outside the ship. Took me a while to figure out what 'outside' meant."

She said "Okay, I'm sorry about that. I suspect I wasn't thinking clearly. I did the math. You know how much time 300,000 seconds is? If I were to honor the death of each person I killed by holding vigil for them, one second at a time, I'd be up straight for 83 hours. I can't stay up straight for 83 hours or even honor their memories because I didn't know any of them. I'm broken, and I…I want to be broken for a little while. I want you to be here for it. Just honoring the pieces. I'll reassemble, I'll heal, but I don't want to put it behind me just yet. I don't want to hide it from you. I'm broken and some part of me wants to stay broken, follow the second law of thermodynamics. Entropy. Everything moves toward entropy. 'The state of entropy will always increase over time.' Some parts of me always want to give in to the gravity, the shattering of that. I can't change entropy. I can try, and I can fail. There's a lovely image that I like to use at times like this…although I've never experienced anything like this. It's helped before, but now I'm struggling. There's a Japanese art called Kintsugi. It came about as a method of repair and then became an art form of its own. Broken pottery pieces would be fixed with lacquer in the joints, and the lacquer would be mixed with powdered metals; gold, silver or platinum. The pieces are really beautiful physically and metaphorically. I'm beginning to wonder if there are any original pieces left of me, or if it's all lacquer."

Garrus said "So you'd be made of glue and gold? Sounds about right."

She said "You say…the nicest things." She still sounded tired, but less bleak.

Garrus said "Just trying to keep you inspired."

She said "Liara told me that I don't ask you what you want enough. It was good advice. It occurred to me I've also never asked you about your family. Orphan's habit, I'm afraid. I didn't have a family, and then I went straight to the military, so I never got used to asking other people questions about their families, and it always ended up with an awkward 'sorry' from someone, even if they meant well. There was no polite way to escape the reaction I got from telling someone I never knew my parents. I admit sometimes I'd just make up a family to avoid the look in people's eyes. While I'm admitting to terrible things and hoping you don't get so angry at me that you break my neck, I wanted to say…I'm sorry I haven't asked you what you wanted. I'm sorry I've never asked you about your family. While I'm feeling numb to it all and unable to fathom reality as it stands, is there anything I should ask you? Anything you should be able to tell me without me being upset, with just acceptance that all is fucked and I'm helpless to do much about it?"

Garrus said "You could ask me about my mother."

She said "Tell me about your mother."

Garrus said "She's dying."

Her hand unwrapped from her knees and she put it out to the side, he took her hand in his own.

She said "I'd like to meet her. I'd like to know about her. Families…I have no experience with parents."

He said "Well, parents are different. My mother is dying, my father is an asshole."

She said "Really? So I shouldn't want to meet him?"

He said "No. Not if you want to avoid drama. He'd probably spit on you."

She said "That's a shame."

He said "Yeah. Wouldn't it be great to have all the people you love in one place to watch over them. Mom could meet Dr. Chakwas, Dad could spit on you, Solana could be the proud, better Turian than I am with an audience."

She said "Solona?"

He said "Sister. Good Turian. Dutiful. Obedient."

She said "When did you last see them?"

He said "Long time. I keep in touch with them, but I haven't seen them since choosing to go to Omega."

She said "Why is your mother dying?"

He said "Corpalis syndrome."

She said "Entropy. I'm sorry, Garrus. That's a horrible condition. I want to know about them. Even the spitting. You should know that I've grown accustomed to the idea that some people just want to spit on me. I don't take it personally anymore."

He said with a bitter edge "Well, he'd mean it personally. I haven't told you about them. Not because I didn't want to tell you, but because you don't have parents or siblings. You've heard about my father before, his expectation of me. I'm at peace with him as he is. I love him as he is, but I never told you because you don't know your father or your mother. I'd love them and take them for granted and complain about them…and you would see me abuse what you can't have. This may come as a shock, but I'm not always that nice to people."

She said thoughtfully "Neither am I."

He didn't argue.

She said "You'd have finished the mission if I were gone."

He didn't argue.

She said "Garrus…would you run away with me? Not now. I know not now, but if…when this is all over and we've saved more lives than I just contributed to wiping out…would you please run away with me somewhere far from this? Away from death. I know we can't outrun death, but we could stop chasing it. Someday. Please."

He squeezed her hand, which was encased in armor, but he pushed her fingers together. "Anywhere, Venri."

She said "Thank you. I want to have something to look forward to. I should tell you, Hackett expects me to turn myself in to face charges, to prevent war. If we survive this. I told him I would."

He said with mock grouch "You didn't lead with that bit of information?"

She said "No, I suckered you into a promise instead. Would you marry me, make it official so you have legal rights and I can get conjugal visits?"

He said "Any time."

She said "Thank you. We could have a lovely ceremony. You could invite your dad, he could spit on me, we could start a new tradition."

He said "Don't worry about prison. I'll break you out."

She said "That is so…not sweet…sunktan. That is so sunktan."

He said "You just said that was so river fish."

She said "I need to work on my accent."

He sighed and said "Okay, now you're getting silly, and when you get silly, it's time for bed."

She said "I'm so tired."

He said "I know, Venri. Let's go walk through the CIC and not take our helmets off, just so people can wonder why the hell we were out here, and so they don't see that you look like you're ready to either kill me or fall asleep on me. Maybe both. Hopefully in that order."

She said "Okay."

He helped her to her feet and guided her through the CIC, he could hear her crying, but nobody else could.

When the elevator doors closed she sagged against him and he lifted her in his arms, just as he'd wanted to for hours, for days, for years.

He sat her on the bed and started to take off her armor. When she tried to do it herself, he stilled her hands and said "You will let me help." It was an order, an expectation. She acquiesced and he removed her armor and her clothing, as well as his, and carried her to the shower. He washed her with the gravity of a ritual, her hair, her face, her body, his hands those of a caretaker, as they had been before when she was sick of body and now again when she was sick of soul. She'd cry. She'd stop, she'd start again.

He wrapped her in a towel and dried her hair, combing it out more carefully than he'd seen her do it. Her eyes were closed now. When her eyes were open it tore at his heart, over and over again.

He wondered if she realized she still hadn't asked him what he wanted. If it wasn't in her to ask herself what she wanted until her own needs became undeniable, would she ask him? She'd told him she'd give him what he'd already wanted. Run away with her. Marry her. On top of that she'd offered it in sight of his family no matter the cost to her dignity if that was what he wanted. Nobody's opinion mattered but his.

It didn't matter if she asked, he could show her what he wanted.

He put her carefully in bed, stroking a finger over her cheek. When he got in on the other side of the bed, his weight pulled down the mattress and she turned to him along with gravity, along with her wanting to be near him. Her hand rested over his chest, over his heart, her knee drawn up to rest on his thigh. She let out a deep sigh, relaxed into him and fell asleep.

This. He wanted this.