Change My Mind
Heart to Heart
The pearly light slipped through the crack between the curtains, creating a small beam of silver on the table. Although hidden behind the luxurious scarlet drapes, the moon tugged on Remus's heart and pinched at his every nerve. Remus tapped his fingers against the wooden table anxiously, producing a small chorus of anxious thuds; a melody of the tortured. He bit his lip, not quite hard enough to draw blood, as he turned the page of the textbook—rather, the chapter—that he had been reading for the past hour. Studying seemed to be the only thing that ever helped him take his mind off the excruciating pain that consumed the days before his transformation.
Still, everything around him was distracting and aggravatingly stimulating. Whenever he breathed, he inhaled the scent of a fifth year's perfume that assaulted his senses and burned his nostrils. In an unconscious attempt to get rid of the burn, he would wrinkle his nose and take another breath, only to be reintroduced to the smell of lavender and honeysuckle. Underneath all that, though, was the fire. Although his back was turned to the monstrous Gryffindor fireplace, the warmth of the cackling fire scorched him, and the beads of sweat that it produced prickled his skin as it trickled down his neck. The whispers of his classmates whizzed and buzzed around his ears, and with a tightened jaw, Remus cracked his neck to suppress his boiling rage. Still, the soft giggles of his fellow classmates beat on his eardrums like the drumsticks of one of the ridiculous bands Sirius had tried to turn Remus on to, and Remus couldn't help but think that Hell couldn't be much worse than this.
"Moony," Sirius said as he pulled up a chair and took a seat next across from Remus, "what are you doing here?" His voice was, although a normal volume, the equivalent of a dog whistle to Remus's sensitive ears. He wanted nothing more than to be able to whimper and cower into a corner, or maybe even go sleep. He thought about it. Experience taught him that the only way to get through these torturous times was to suffer through them.
"Uh," Remus stuttered as he looked up from his book. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to compose his thoughts, clearing his mind before reopening them. "Well, this is the Gryffindor common room, and I'm in Gryffindor, so I'm supposed to use this place to study and do my work—"
"Yeah yeah, you're a saint," Sirius rolled his eyes, "I meant why are you here now?"
"What do you mean?" Remus asked, genuinely baffled. He knew for a fact that he didn't have prefect duties; James was kind enough to take them over in the days surrounding the full moon. He racked his brain for anything he could have possibly forgotten, only to come up short.
"Well, it's Thursday," Sirius began, and Remus felt his heart twinge at the all too familiar words. He could almost hear Ari's voice ringing in his ears: her soft, airy tone; her comforting words. "I was under the impression you had some delicious snog-fests with your special lady friend on Thursdays." Sirius wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, finishing with a signature wink.
Remus's eyes fell back down to his textbook. "Oh, no."
Sirius frowned, suddenly bothered by his friend's unsatisfactory reaction—he knew Remus wouldn't actually fight with him, but Remus wasn't the type to just give in, either. "What's up with the sudden halt in your relationship, Moony?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Remus said as he leaned back in his chair. The fact that Sirius said relationship instead of friendship bothered him, more than it probably should. He reached out for his book, pulling it closer by the corner. He moved to hover over it, his elbows on the table and his head resting in his hands, and he pretended to begin reading.
"Really?" Sirius asked with disbelief. "So what was up with that cold shoulder you turned her way in Potions a few days ago?" Sirius leaned forward, his elbows on the table as well, but his hands clasped firmly together in front of him. He was determined to make Remus talk to him; if Remus would talk to anyone, it would be Sirius, after all.
"I wasn't being cold," Remus replied coolly. Sirius suppressed a snicker.
"Hell froze over." Sirius said sternly. He kept his eyes on Remus, as he waited for his friend to reply with something smart, something witty to show that he really was alright. Something that would tell Sirius that Remus didn't need him to pry after all. Remus stayed silent, though, and the silence said all too much for Sirius to simply let go. "Remus, what's going on?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Sirius." There it is, Sirius thought. It wasn't the outright declaration that Sirius would have preferred, but at least it was an implied struggle. As long as Remus would admit that something was wrong, Sirius was sure that he could break through to him, help him, if he could. He always had in the past. He was determined to do so this time as well. Sirius grinned and leaned closer to his friend, take a deep breath before step one of his intervention began:
"Does she smell funny? Did she give you too much tongue? Too little? Did she do something weird like lick your face?" Sirius began to shoot off questions, knowing that if he asked enough, he would wear Remus down eventually. "A girl did that to me once. I won't name names, but it was pretty gross." Remus looked at Sirius incredulously, and slightly disgusted, but Sirius continued. "Don't even try Remus, I really won't tell you who it was. Oh! Did she suddenly become way too possessive? I swear, girls get one grab at the goods and all of the sudden they think you belong to them, forever. She didn't ask you to marry her, did she?"
"Sirius." Remus groaned, and Sirius sighed an internal victory. Step two:
Sirius leaned closer to his friend, and lowered his voice before continuing. "Did she say... something?" Even thought Sirius didn't say it, Remus knew was he was implying: did she start asking questions? "Remus, did someone else say something? Was it Snape? I swear, I'll hex that scrawny—"
"Snape didn't do anything," Remus sighed.
Sirius waited for him to continue, to defend Snape, to convince him that any form of payback was not only unneeded but unwanted as well, but he didn't. Remus didn't so much as look his friend in the eye. So Sirius asked the only thing he thought could break Remus away from his new special lady friend: "Did you tell her?"
"What?" Remus blinked, dumbfounded, as if the thought was preposterous and he couldn't believe Sirius would even ask.
"About..." Sirius began to clarify regardless, but Remus cut him off before he even had the chance.
"No." Remus's voice was short and cold, and slightly too loud—a few people had turned their heads in confusion, or maybe it was shock, but they only glance for a few seconds before they returned to their own conversations. Well, Sirius thought, at least I know what this is about, now. Step three:
"Remus," Sirius pleaded, "talk to me. You've been depressed for days."
"I'm not depressed," Remus defended quickly. "I'm just..." Remus trailed off, looking out the window. It was raining. Remus usually liked the sound of the rain, the sound that it made as it tapped against the window or the roof. Now, though, it made his head want to burst. Tap. Tap. Tap.
"Sad." Sirius offered, turning his head to watch the rain. Sad, he repeated in his head. What a simple emotion. For some reason, it was startling.
"Yeah." Remus confirmed. Sad was a good word for it.
"Why?"
Remus sighed. "She told me I have 'pretty eyes'."
Sirius laughed. "Oh, Remus, your eyes are the loveliest I've ever seen. In fact—"
"Sirius," Remus sighed in exasperation. He rubbed his temples, his fingers moving in small circles, as he tried to alleviate his growing headache.
Sirius felt a twinge of guilt, knowing that his friend was really struggling with this, for whatever lame reason. He sat up a little straighter, as if it would set his mind straight. Step four: "What's the big deal?"
Silence. But not emptiness. Just a mere, lingering silence. This was often the way with Remus—his answers were silent, left to interpretation, like a song or a book. Somehow, thought, Sirius found that Remus was always easier to understand when his words were silent. Or maybe Sirius was just a really great guesser. Step five:
"Remus, you have to stop doing this to yourself." Sirius sighed, catching his friend's full attention. "It's okay to be with someone. You know, a girl. James, Peter, and I don't count. You can't snog us. Well, you could, but we'd probably punch you if you tried."
Despite everything, Remus's lips cracked into a smile. Nevertheless, he stood his ground. "I can't, Sirius. I wouldn't be good for any girl."
"Remus, you are probably the most selfless person I know. But have you ever thought, that maybe," Sirius began gently, "you should start taking other people's feelings into consideration before making these types of decisions?"
Remus looked at him. Sirius fell back into his chair, his long black hair messy and uncared for. He no longer had his robes on, but his tie hung around his neck loosely; a trademark Sirius move. Remus could only guess what girl he had previously been attempting to woo; and his guess was that it had been someone who hadn't quite fallen for it.
Sirius looked back to the rain. "I saw you struggle to ignore her. I also saw her struggle to ignore the fact that you had." He thought back to that day in potions, when she had tried to say hello to him. He thought about the flicker of emotion on her face when he didn't reply. He thought about the way Remus had been almost completely silent for the rest of the class period, focusing on nothing other than the potion. He mentally kicked himself for not intervening then.
"What are you saying I should do?" Remus gave in after what seemed to be a long silence. To what, he wasn't really sure. It wasn't Sirius. But it wasn't Ari, either. So, then... what?
Sirius felt victory quickly approaching him, but there was still one step left in his intervention; step five: "It's a two step plan." Sirius informed him as he sat upright.
"What's step one?" Remus asked, looking his friend in the eye.
"Get off your lazy arse." Sirius said with a grin.
Remus smiled, quickly dropping his eyes down to his book before looking back up at Sirius. "Step two?"
"Go to the Astronomy tower and snog." Sirius grinned, putting emphasis on the "snog".
"I think that's three steps," Remus said, matter-of-factly.
"You think too much." Sirius sighed, standing up. His work was done.
Remus said nothing. He couldn't help but agree.
"Padfoot! Moony!" James yelled as he jumped down the stairs that led to the boys' dormitories. His hair was messier than usual, his glasses offset, and his tie almost completely undone. "Have you seen Lily?"
"She left a while ago," Remus said, ignoring the pounding ache of his head.
"Oh shit," James said, more to himself that anyone else. "She's gonna kill me. I fell asleep again. Lily is going to murder me. And you know what, she'll be so sneaky with it, that you won't even be able to find my body. Oh Merlin, she'll turn me invisible and sink me to the bottom of the Black Lake, or worse, she'll feed me to the Giant Squid—"
"It's not too late, Prongs," Sirius said as he looked at the clock above the fireplace. "Go catch her."
James nodded appreciatively, and with the swish of his wand he fixed his tie. The next moment he was gone, running out of the portrait hole and down the corridors in a blink of the eye. Or at least, that's how it seemed to Remus. Sirius thought that James looked rather like a galloping dragon; sloppy and ungraceful. James only wished Lily would spare him his life.
He ran quickly through the corridors, following the path that he and Lily usually took on their night patrols. He internally cursed himself for not thinking to use the map while he still had the chance—it would have been better than running through the halls—but he quickly brushed off the thought and turned the corner.
"Lily!" James yelled as he spotted his fiery sweetheart, relief washing over him.
"James!" Lily hissed, turning on her heels. "No running in the halls! And no yelling, either! You're head boy, you should know that!"
Upon finally catching up to her, James placed his hands on his knees as he gasped for air in a desperate attempt to catch his breath. He made long, soft wheezing noises as his lungs caught up to the rest his body. After a few long seconds, he stood up straight, finally able to breathe correctly. He ran a hand through his already messy enough hair, then loosened his tie just a bit, before turning his attention to Lily.
She looked positively appalled. "You know, for a Quidditch player, you're pretty out of shape."
"Lily!" James threw a hand over his heart with the full intention of telling her how hurt he was by that comment. Just as he was about to, thought, he had a change of heart; her eyes looked sad. Suddenly he didn't feel well. He continued, "I'm sorry. I fell asleep. I'll be more careful in the future."
Lily rolled her eyes, but said nothing. She turned around, glancing back quickly to make sure he was ready to go before she moved forward to continue patrolling the corridors. James followed close behind at first, but soon moved quick enough to walk by her side. He kept a comfortable distance between them, unsure of how he was supposed to act in the current situation.
"Hey Lily?" James asks after a few minutes of silent patrolling. He knew he probably shouldn't ask, but the curiosity was twisting his brain into mush. They turn the corner of the corridor, their path illuminated primarily by the candles on the walls. The people in the portraits around them moved slowly, most not bothering to glance at the young students. They, like the rest of the castle, were getting ready to go to bed.
"Hm?" Lily replied.
James turned his head slightly to look at her. Usually, during patrol, Lily looked focused and determined. Now, though, her expression looked vague; she looked unreachable. That scared him. "Are you okay?"
Lily sighed, her shoulders dropping as if they were too heavy for her to carry any longer. "I'm fine, James."
James wished that he could reach out to her, massage her shoulders, maybe lighten her burden, whatever it may be. "You can talk to me if you're not, you know."
"Except I am." Lily glanced at him, her eyes narrowed and her gaze hardened, as if telling him to shut up. Together, they turned another corner, and Lily felt a wave of relief wash over her as she realized she would be comfortably in bed in just a few more minutes.
Though the sudden harshness in Lily's tone scared him, James never was very good at shutting up. "I'm here for you, Lily."
"James?" Lily asked in exasperation. She didn't understand how he couldn't get the hint that she was basically throwing at him: I don't want to talk about it. She didn't understand why he never got the hint that she didn't want to date, him either. Though maybe it simply didn't matter to him. Lily didn't understand James, at all. He was a pretty puzzle that she had no intention of solving.
"Yes?" He replied hopefully. If he could just get her to open up to him, maybe she would see that he isn't that bad, that he had grown up in the past few years. He just needed one chance, and then he could show her how good he could be for her. How good they could be together.
"I really just need some quiet time." Lily said quietly, keeping her eyes on the path in front of her.
"Okay." James sighed, but remained quiet nonetheless. He didn't want to upset her any further. Maybe time was all she really needed.
His mind raced in the moments that foollowed. What was wrong? Why wouldn't she tell him? Was she telling anyone? His mind thought of question after question, firing each off at a rapid speed. James was so preoccupied with these thoughts that didn't even realize they had returned to the portrait hole until Lily cleared her throat impatiently.
"Leo spoliarium." James said absentmindedly. The portrait hole swung open, and Lily entered with James not far behind.
"Good night, James." Lily said, though she did not look back at him. She made her way up the stairs to the girls' dormitory.
"Good night, Lily." James watched her leave until he could no longer see her, then made his way into his own dormitory, where he collapsed on his bed and fell asleep quickly.
As soon as Lily opened the door to her dormitory, she heard Emmeline cussing. Choosing to ignore it—ignoring it was always the best route to take with Emmeline—she made her way to her own bed as Emmeline continued to curse under her breath, mumbling about something Lily didn't necessarily care to know.
As Lily was changing, though, Emmeline began making her bed; she ripped the blankets off of her bed, threw the pillows on the ground, and remade her bed quickly and angrily, as if she had just caught them all talking about her behind her back.
"What's gotten into you?" Lily finally glanced at Emmeline as she crawled into her own bed.
Emmeline sighed and sat on her bed. "Oh, just an ignorant prat who was trying to woo me earlier."
Lily smiled, knowing that she didn't have to say anything in return. Emmeline returned the smile before closing the heavy scarlet curtains around her bed closed, and Lily did the same. She was glad that she was back in her own room, with people who wouldn't ask her what was wrong. Lily never was very good at asking for help.
I completely suck, I know. I am so sorry for the long delay. Between work, school, and sleep, I just haven't had very much time to write and edit recently. I know it probably seemed like I gave up, but I promise, this story will continue until it's end. I'm sorry to all those who constantly checked back to see if I've posted a new chapter.
Also, I would really like to thank AlwaysACandlelitCorridor. I know you posted your review a few weeks ago, and this is an extremely late reply, but thank you so much for that review! I actually read it on my break at work, and it made a stressful day so much better. I'm really glad you like this story so much! Your review actually inspired me to go home and continue writing this chapter, and although it took a while, I got through it :)
Thank you all so much for reading, and please remember that any type of feedback is always welcome and appreciated. It really helps inspire me to get back to this story! :)
Have a good day, ya'll.