A/N: This was bouncing around in my head so I felt like spilling it out here! It's a little different, so please, let me know what you guys think!
I couldn't stand waiting for Bella. I knew the bloodsucker was bringing her, but I was impatient. I could never seem to wait to see her. It was weird being apart, even if I knew where she was. I tugged at the collar of my stupid shirt again. Bella wanted me to wear it around the vamp, but I hated it. I felt ridiculous. I thought about ripping the damn thing in half just to be rid of it, but I knew Bella would be mad. I could even picture the little crease between her eyebrows and the tight line of her lips as she saw me. I'd never hear the end of it.
When I finally heard their car, I perked up. I smiled involuntarily. Just thinking about her made me happy. And when the car finally sped around the corner, I stepped away from the trees to meet her. The vamp stopped the car, and Bella practically ran out towards me. I pulled her close to me and breathed deep. The vamp's smell cut through my nose like bleach, but I ignored it. Her heart pounded against my chest. I was amazed, still, at how it felt to hold her. I kissed the top of her head, and she sighed in content.
"Hey," I said. She smiled up at me. She was so beautiful. I remembered the way she had fallen asleep curled around me the night before, whispering my name in her sleep. Now that she finally stopped talking about Cullen, my name was almost all she said anymore. Every time I heard it, even after months of sleeping next to her, I felt like flying.
"Hey." I heard a faint gagging noise, and I turned to stare at the Porsche. The vamp was watching us with a huge smirk on her face. I pushed Bella away slightly, hoping she wouldn't notice, but she glanced up anyway. I nodded towards the car, pissed that she was watching. I wanted to be alone with her again. Bella sidestepped a little, so I reached for her hand. She squeezed my fingers back, and my anger with the little vamp faded a little.
"Let's go!" she shouted, and she honked the horn at us. I rolled my eyes. I leaned down and kissed Bella fast, hoping the vamp wouldn't start making noises again.
"Meet me at Sam's," I said in a low voice. I walked back behind the tree line and started taking off my shirt. I hated the damn thing; it was just more to carry around. When I phased, though, I forgot about it and ran, following their car onto the res. I heard the vamp teasing Bella, and I laughed to myself, imagining Bella's annoyed face. I got to Sam's before they did, so I phased back and got dressed.
My thoughts drifted to Bella and the fortune teller's vision. I never thought I could be so scared of anything. I wanted answers, and I was going to get them. I could hear Sam inside, bumping around. He wasn't happy about this. When he had the idea, he said we should meet somewhere else, but I insisted on doing it at his house. I thought it would be easier for him to calm down if he could see all the pictures of Emily on the walls.
Bella's face lit up when she saw me. I loved watching her eyes get bright and her cheeks flush around me. It was exactly how I felt about her, like I was a blind man seeing for the first time. She ran over to me, and I grabbed her hand and kissed her hair again. I knew she loved that.
"I'm hurt, Bella," the vamp said. She sped over beside us. Their weird super-fast movements were blurry even to me, and I wondered what it looked like to Bella. "You just left me by the car. You and the pup are very inconsiderate." I laughed, staring at her. She smiled mockingly at me. Ever since she had gotten past the shock of Bella leaving her brother, she had warmed up to me. I liked to think she even liked me, sometimes.
Sam opened the door, and he looked to me first. "Come on in," he said. I could feel the tension practically rolling off of him, but the vamp went first into the house like she couldn't tell. Bella's heartbeat picked up again from beside me, and I squeezed her hand as we walked in. He grabbed me in the doorway, and I could feel his discomfort at having the vamp in his house. I nodded very slightly at him for reassurance, and he seemed to relax a little.
"You have a beautiful home," the vamp said sweetly, and as she looked around, I could tell she meant it. I really liked her, and even though she reeked, she was easy enough to be around. I knew Sam wanted her out as soon as possible, though, so I tried to get the ball rolling.
"So last time," I said, watching Sam's reaction, "Alice could see me when I could finally stop phasing. Do you want to explain it a little more?" I glanced at her, and she visibly relaxed.
"As you know, I can see things," she said. "Things change based on different decisions, though, so futures change frequently. I also can't see any of the wolves, which we always thought might be because of your uncertain future, what with your shifting. Some things are set in stone, though, and I looked at Jacob's future twice but saw Bella…I couldn't see Bella either time." Her words ripped through me like daggers. I felt faint. I squeezed Bella's hand in mine. I needed to get a grip before I completely lost it like last time.
"Sam, with you being older and more experienced with your phasing, you might be able to stop yourself from turning sooner than Jake, and that will make your future visible to me sooner. I must warn you that this may not work. Whatever happens to Bella may still happen before I can see Sam. In that case, we'll at least know a time frame for when to expect…" She cut off, and the lingering words sent shots of ice into my bloodstream. I felt nauseous. Bella's breathing hitched up a notch, and she grabbed my hand with both of hers. I forgot how to move my muscles to squeeze back.
"Jake, you can go sit on the couch," Sam said, and I stared back at him gratefully. I moved mechanically over to the couch and sat down, Bella sitting close beside me. I tried to think of other things: Bella laughing, Bella swatting at me, Bella scowling, Bella breathing…
"I think it would be best if you sat as well, Sam," the vamp said to Sam, but I could barely hear her. He warily sat, and the vamp sat in front of him. They said something to each other, but it was just mumbling. Like the Charlie Brown noise when their teacher talked, wa wa wa wa.
Time dragged. The vamp was like a statue on the floor. I could barely think. I had to remind myself to breathe. I was suffocating with the dread of what she might see.
"Is she all right?" Sam finally asked. Bella hesitated for a moment before climbing off the couch and sitting beside her on the floor.
"Alice?" she said, her voice beautiful. I clung to the sound of it like a beacon. "Alice?" When she glanced at Sam, I could see the fear welling up in her eyes. I felt the blood drain from my face and buried my head in my hands. I tried to tune them out, waiting to hear the vamp's chilling voice.
"Bella, I could look into Sam's future forever," she finally said, the ringing almost hurting my ears. I wanted to stop listening, but I knew I had to hear. I needed to know what she saw.
"Did you see anything?" Sam asked. Agony built up inside me.
"It's amazing what I can see with you," she said with a strange tone. "Your future is so beautiful! Your children, your wife, your family…" As she trailed off, I almost lunged at her. She was prolonging my pain, and I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know. I lifted my face from my hands and focused on her. Her pale skin was taut, and she didn't look happy. My stomach tightened.
"Alice, we need to know more about me," Bella said. And when Alice turned to face her, I felt something in me break. I didn't need to hear the words to understand the look in her eyes. I felt the heat spreading over my skin and I knew I was about to phase. I got up as fast as I could and ran from the house, stumbling over the front steps. I got as far as the trees before I had to stop and bend over as my stomach heaved. I puked until nothing came out, and I slumped against the tree, aching.
I needed to leave. I needed to go far away. I couldn't let Bella see me this way, sick and weak and tortured. I managed to take off my shirt and shorts before the vibrations consumed me, and then I was running. I could feel another voice in my head, questioning.
What happened, man? Seth asked as he trotted around in a clearing about 10 miles away. I wanted him to get out of my head, but I couldn't find it in me to fight with him. I kept running.
Jake, slow down, he whined. Such a child. I pushed myself faster, farther, and ignored Seth.
Do you want to be alone? he asked, and pity colored his voice. I snarled, pissed. Not only was Bella going to die, but now everyone else had to know about it, too. I just wanted everyone else to go away.
Yeah, I growled. And tell Sam to keep everyone human. I don't want anyone in my head. I felt Seth agree lightly.
We're here to help you, Jake, he said, and then he was gone. I ran faster than I had ever run before. If I put enough space between myself and La Push, maybe the torture would go away. I pushed myself to keep going, leaving Bella behind.
I stopped running when I came across a familiar precipice on top of a mountain. I hadn't known where I was going until I reached it, but when I finally stomped through the tree line, the clearing was there. I remembered Bella as she was then: torn, unsure about her feelings for me. I thought about how wonderful it had been when we kissed. And I thought about the agony of having to leave her to get down to the fight, putting on a mask of eagerness when really I was aching to stay.
I had always known that I loved her, but that day had pushed it over the edge. Kissing her sent me somewhere I thought only existed in movies. She was the most important part of my life before, but when she kissed me, actually kissed me back, I was gone. I didn't exist anymore without her. She was the only thing that mattered. And now, she was going to die.
I curled up on the rock, the clouds finally spilling over with rain. I didn't mind the water, never did. I shook my head out, trying to clear the thoughts running through it. Involuntarily, Bella's death screamed through my mind.
Bella screaming, the steering wheel of her truck spinning, the wheels hydroplaning, the other car becoming brighter and brighter in her headlights…
Bella moaning, her body mangled and bloody, a vampire stalking back towards her…
Bella falling, the cliff above her fading, the water and rocks below her getting closer, closer, closer…
Bella with her eyes closed tight, the passenger plane careening out of control, smoke billowing from the engines, the other passengers screaming…
Bella terrified, lost in the woods, the low growls of a bear approaching, her eyes wide with fear…
Bella sick, lying in a hospital bed, her hair falling out, her chest sunken in, the heart monitor beeping too slowly…
Bella choking, gasping for air, the light fading from her eyes…
I had thought about losing her before. When she was with Cullen, I had thought about her dying until I couldn't breathe anymore. I had to be ready for her to die when he turned her into one of them, and so I had replayed the thought of her dying to myself a million times. But this was different. This time, she would die and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I howled in agony, lost in the pain of losing her.
It was dark when I finally heard something coming towards me. Its feet made almost no sound as it glided through the forest. I knew, instantly, that it was a vampire, but I couldn't find it in me to sit up. I was ready for death, and welcomed an attack.
The fortune teller emerged from the trees, but only just barely. I couldn't look at her, and I turned my head away. She took a step towards me, hands in the air like a criminal walking towards a cop.
"I have a plan," she said, clear as a bell. I ignored her. Bella's screaming rang through my head, threatening to drown out the bloodsucker's high-pitched keening voice.
"You have to listen to me," she said, suddenly angry. "You aren't the only one who would lose her if she dies." I turned back to face her, and in her eyes I saw the agony that was ripping through my chest.
I just stared at her. She was breathing heavily, though not from the effort of running. She was furious, and I knew she was hurting, just like me. I lifted my head a little to look at her, and in her arms I saw the bundle of clothing that I had left in the forest by Sam's house. She watched me with unflinching intensity.
"Change into these," she said, laying the clothing on the ground in front of her, "and I'll be back in five minutes. Compose yourself. It's very important that you are calm for this." With that, she turned and ran, water from the rain falling behind her. I got up carefully, feeling like my legs didn't work. It took me a full two minutes to calm down enough to phase back, but I clung to the bloodsu – Alice's, I forced myself to think – words. If she had a plan, it was at least worth listening to. I got dressed carefully, waiting. I had no strength left in me, and I slumped back against the rock face, the rain pouring.
She emerged again, her face calmer now that I was back in human form. She danced over to me and sat down beside me, her back against the rock like mine. Her acrid smell filled my nose, but it was almost bracing; physical pain was always easier than psychological torture. She didn't speak for a while, just watching the rain.
"When she first moved here, I saw her becoming my best friend long before Edward even spoke to her," she said suddenly. I almost laughed. Of course. The fortune teller could be sure of her future.
"I barely remembered her," I said, my voice hoarse. "I mean, she'd been around as a kid, but I hadn't seen her in years. It didn't take long for me to get it, though. I knew pretty quickly." Alice sighed lightly, nodding.
"We can't let this happen to her," she said quietly. I didn't know how to answer that.
"You said you had a plan?" I asked, glancing back at her. Her eyes were glossy against the rain, but I recognized the look as her creepy future-seeing look. I waited for her to snap out of it.
"I still can't see," she said finally, shaking her head to break the trance. "That's where my plan came from, actually. I've been trying to see you and the rest of the wolves when I should've been trying to see her." I raised an eyebrow, not following.
"But you can't see her, so what's the difference?"
"Maybe there's a way that I can see her." There was a loud clap of thunder from the clouds overhead, but we didn't jump. A few miles away, I heard a bear rooting around in the mud and a small family of rabbits hiding deeper in their burrow from the rain.
"She's not the one that has to stop phasing," I said in defeat. "We are. And if we can't stop soon enough, then our futures don't mean a thing."
"Exactly," she said with a sudden burst of excitement. I raised an eyebrow at her. "So what if we were to make her future show up without having to wait for you to stop changing? What if we could figure it out right now?" She finally had my curiosity. I angled my body towards her, and her eyes were alight with a fervor that I fully understood.
"Then I would say we should do whatever it takes to make that happen," I said fiercely. Alice grinned and angled herself towards me. We were facing each other, no longer leaning against the rock.
"You aren't going to like it," she said carefully, the grin still plastered on her pale face. "But if it might save her, wouldn't you do anything?"
"Anything in the world."
"You have to leave her." I stared at the tiny vampire in front of me in shock. Leave Bella? I didn't know if I could do that. Anything in the world was minimal compared to that.
"Leave her?" I repeated, trying out the words in my mouth. They tasted sour, like a cuss word. She nodded quickly.
"If you break up with her, your future would no longer cloud hers!" she cried, rain streaking down her face. She looked crazed. "If you left her, I could look into her future again and see what happens to her!" As her words sank in, I felt a tiny fluttering in my chest. It took me a minute to recognize it: it was hope.
"You're brilliant," I said, a smile slowly spreading across my face. This would work. I could feel it.
"You'll have to be so convincing that it takes root immediately," she said, her voice speeding up wildly. "Once you decide to stick with it, and once she firmly believes you're leaving her, then her future should clear up right away. I'll be able to see her again, and then I can check months into her future. All I have to do is touch her and I can see, and that should be easy enough…" She rambled on, planning. I stared up into the sky, watching the rain fall on us. I felt a tugging in my stomach like a lingering flu. Alice kept babbling, and I tried to keep up with her rant.
"…to do that. Of course, it'll kill her when she thinks you'd actually leave her, and I would have to slog through months of her agony to finally see the point where she dies, but-"
"Hold it right there," I interrupted. The tugging in my stomach was finally clear. "I can't do this. I promised Bella I would never hurt her again." Alice stared at me incredulously.
"Jacob Black," she said, shaking her head slightly. "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. Bella is going to die and we have no idea how. You don't think that the possibility of preventing her death is worth hurting her? I think she'll forgive you." I shook my head.
"I don't think she'd forgive me," I said, my voice tight. I couldn't believe I was about to start crying like a baby. "The last time I left her, she went back into catatonic shock. I don't think she would be able to look at me the same way if I did that to her again." Alice sighed loudly.
"Bella will be fine," she said, irritated. "I'll help you to explain it to her, once we know what happens and how to stop it." I felt uneasy still, but she was right. Bella could be mad at me for months if she wanted, but if we could find a way to stop something terrible from happening, I would take her not speaking to me for years. I nodded at Alice, and she beamed, her face lit up through the rain.
"All right, Jacob," Alice said. "I'll be there with her throughout the night to wait for you. Whenever you're ready, come up to the door, and I'll meet you there." I nodded, feeling edgy. Having a vampire as close as she was, standing a few inches from me in the cover of the forest, was unnerving. Bella, her heartbeat a beautiful sound, bobbed around the library just beyond where we were standing. I could hear her re-shelving books, humming quietly to herself.
"I'll be waiting out behind her house," I said evenly, listening to Bella moving inside. "Once Charlie goes to sleep, I'll come. Tell her I'm home and just waiting for it to get late." Alice made a noise of agreement, her eyes back on the library.
"You'll have to be painfully convincing," she said distantly. I tried not to think about what I would say. "She needs to know immediately that you're leaving her for good. That way, her future will clear up."
"Sure, sure," I agreed absently, still listening to Bella walk around inside.
"The hardest part of all of this is that you have to commit to leaving her and never coming back. That's essential in order for this to work. You have to be completely out of her future in order for me to see her." I shuddered slightly at the thought.
"I'll try," I said honestly. She glanced at me, and her eyes softened.
"I know how hard this will be for you," she said gently. "But once we know what happens to Bella, it will all be worth it." I agreed, still uncomfortable but pushing it away.
We followed Bella back home and listened in relative silence as she walked around her kitchen, cooking dinner. Alice and I talked strategy, smoothing out timing and wording. I started feeling the beginning pangs of dread when Charlie pulled up, which quickly turned into full-on panic as Alice prepared to go wait with Bella for me.
"Are you ready?" she asked, turning back to me. "I know this will be tough, but I need to know that you can do this." I nodded stiffly, and she hesitated only a moment longer before approaching the house. As soon as Charlie let her inside, I was suffocating again.
How was I going to hurt Bella again? And how was I going to be able to do it without giving it away? I tried to picture the hurt in Bella's eyes again to prepare myself, but I couldn't bring myself to think about her. I had no idea how I was going to convince her that I was leaving. Didn't she know that I would never leave her willingly? There was no way she would believe any lies I told.
And, even if she did believe me, I had to resign myself to a life without her. I had to make even myself believe that I wasn't going back. I wanted to run, but I was frozen to the spot. How was I going to convince myself that I could let her go?
It felt like years passed as I waited outside for my heart to slow enough to go up to the door. I knew I could never be ready, that I could never really hide every bit of the agony that I was feeling just thinking of hurting her. I thought of her limp body in the woods when Sam found her after Cullen left, and I concentrated on her face, on her zombie-like appearance, until I was ready to go knock on the door.
When the time came, I still wasn't ready, but I was stalling. Charlie was asleep, and I knew Bella was in there, waiting for me. I thought about Bella dying, her death repeating over and over in my head, and I somehow found the courage to stand. I walked with my head up and took a steadying breath. Alice opened the door before I could knock. She stared at me for an unbearable moment, but I nodded. She pursed her lips and touched her fingers to my arm. Her cold touch was almost painful, but it reassured me, somehow. I breathed in one last time before I stepped inside.
I would never again feel Bella's heart pounding against my chest. I would never run my hand through her hair, never feel her shiver under my fingers. I would never hear her whisper my name, never hold her close as she slept soundly beside me. I would never see Bella again. My heart fissured into a million pieces and exploded in my chest, gone.
Then the phone rang.
"Hello?" I shouted breathlessly, begging, pleading, please please please.
"Jake?" I heard the smile in her voice. "It worked. I could see her."
And then I was running.