Kylo stalks the corridors of the Finalizer, moving swiftly to the holochamber. He's aware that he's already kept his master waiting for far too long. Being forced to leave her after sharing his past, having to pull himself from her after she had said that she wants to be with him … it has left his mind in turmoil. Dare he hope it's true? Dare he believe that Rey really does want him, care for him? What if, one day, she might … love him? Oh, Force … to be able to have a life with her … But it doesn't matter―it can't matter. She'll be gone from him soon and he can't possibly go with her.
He makes himself think of all that Snoke has done for him, how he had saved him. Kylo can't imagine what would have happened to him if he'd continued on like he had been when Snoke rescued him. He'd been so unstable; the way the dark had spiked and sparked had been utterly terrifying. If his master hadn't found him, he's certain he would have descended into madness. He reminds himself firmly of how much he owes Snoke, trying to push away her winsome face, the feel of her lips against his. He shouldn't go before his master in such a state, but he has no choice.
Kylo pauses at the imposing doors, trying—and failing—to bring the riot in his heart under control. He takes a deep breath and enters the cavernous room. He finds Snoke's image already looming.
"Apprentice," Snoke says coldly.
"Master."
"You have been ignoring your duties as of late."
"I ..." He knows it's pointless to deny it. "Yes, Master."
"When I allowed you to … care for your apprentice, it was not my intention that you become consumed by her. You have been a loyal servant and it seemed a minor thing for you to keep her. However, she is interfering with your focus."
"Yes, Master." Maybe this is the day when Rey's fears become founded. Kylo steels himself, knowing he can withstand anything as long as it keeps Rey safe.
"It has been nearly three months and she shows no signs of waking. It is time to dispose of her." Snoke says this as if it's a mere detail.
Kylo barely keeps the cold dread from his face. Not Rey―anything but Rey. Soul-deep terror rises up in him. Please, Master, please. Don't take her … not again.
"Master, I will improve. I will ensure that nothing interferes with doing my duty to you," Kylo finds himself pleading. Snoke looks at him more intently then.
"No, Kylo Ren, I have decided. You have become fixated on her and it will stop."
No. He won't let this happen. He won't let his master hurt her. He failed her once and he will never do so again. As long as he draws breath he will see her safe, happy and whole. He has no idea how he will protect her, but he will find a way. He must buy himself time. His only chance is to seem to submit.
"Then I shall be the one to do it. You have always known what is best for me."
"Good, my apprentice. That shows great strength. You must remove all temptation from your life, as you did when you killed Han Solo."
Bitterness courses through Kylo at this reminder of that unforgivable act. He … resents his master for having required that of him. Years of loyalty and gratitude fall away as he sees that he's only been lying to himself since Snoke broke Rey's mind.
Kylo is withdrawing when Snoke says, "And Apprentice, you will not delay as you did with Han Solo."
"No, Master."
Kylo rushes back to her, his mind spinning with fear and half-formed plans.
He's back in her mind and they are once again on 'D'Qar'.
"What is it? What's happened?" She moves to him quickly, putting her hands against his chest.
"Snoke, he … he's demanded I kill you." Her eyes fill with fear. "I won't―I promise I won't," he rushes to say.
"But … what are we going to do?"
"I have to get you off of the ship, take you to the Resistance." He's beginning to panic, irrationally afraid that stormtroopers will break down his door and murder her in front of his very eyes.
"But … Kylo, you just said you'd never leave him."
"That was before―everything is different now. I won't allow you to die." Nothing matters anymore, nothing but Rey. Why hadn't he seen this before? Dark, light, the First Order, the Resistance; it falls into insignificance now that she is threatened.
He draws her to him, needing to hold her. He's tentative, unsure that she might truly mean what she had said, but she flows into him and his arms tighten around her.
"How much time do we have?" Rey asks.
"A day, maybe two. Snoke made it very clear that I was not to delay." Having her in his arms is calming him and he's beginning to think more clearly.
"Okay, okay." She rests her head against his chest and he strokes her hair.
He considers his options. No one but Snoke or Hux ever question him. Years of random violence and fits of temper have ensured that.
"Tonight, when the night crew is on, there will be far fewer personnel. I'll get you out then."
"You're just going to carry me to a ship?" she asks incredulously.
"The stormtroopers won't approach me―they've … learned."
She pulls back and looks into his face. "What do you mean?"
"I think … I think you must have heard me when I lost control last night?"
She nods.
"There have been … incidents."
"Incidents?"
"Please, Rey. I think you know what my life has been."
"What it has cost you …"
"Yes. I … you were right; I have always struggled with the light and the dark within me. The conflict … it has been … it has been very difficult."
Rey reaches up then and pulls his face to hers and kisses him gently. At first it is meant for comfort but soon he's whimpering into her mouth as he deepens the kiss. He strokes his tongue along her sweet lips and she opens for him. His hands are splayed along her back as he pulls her as close as he can. There is desperation and fear in their passion and everything is beginning to spin wildly. He wants to lose himself in her kisses, but he knows now is not the time. He slows down and parts his lips from hers. They stand there, foreheads together, panting.
He pulls back and strokes his fingers along her cheek. "It will work; no one will say anything. I'll take you to my shuttle. I'll simply inform the bridge that I've been given a mission from the Supreme Leader. No one will find that amiss; it happens often enough."
"But won't it be odd that you're travelling alone? Well, as far as they know."
"Yes, but it is my hope they won't realize until we're gone."
"You won't be able to come back."
"I know." He lifts her chin gently and strokes his thumb along her bottom lip.
"You were so sure before, that you couldn't come with me."
"I … you are more important to me than any other consideration. I should never have let this happen to you. I should have taken you and ran on that very first day. I wish I had."
"I'm not sure I would change anything," she says pensively.
"You can't be serious."
"I am. If things hadn't happened as they did, I would still hate you; I wouldn't know who you are. I never would have grown to … care for you."
"Do you really mean that?" His voice quavers.
"I do, Kylo. As you once said, you matter to me." Now she is the one to whisper her fingers along his face.
"I am entirely certain that I do not deserve that."
"Perhaps in time you will allow yourself to accept that you are worth far more than you think you are."
Kylo looks away. He doesn't agree but he doesn't argue with her.
"I need to go. I must spend the day as I normally would." He takes both of her hands in his and kisses her fingers.
"I understand."
"Tonight, we leave this place. I'll get you to the Resistance," Kylo vows.
"And you'll stay?" Rey's eyes are full of hope.
"Oh, Rey … I … I don't know. They may kill me on sight."
"No! I won't let them!"
"And how will you stop them?" He raises a brow in query.
"I … it won't come to that. Leia won't let them just kill you."
"She might be the one holding the blaster herself."
"No, Kylo, no. That's not how she feels about you. I promise you, when she spoke of you … she loves you very much."
He has tried so hard to never think about … his mother. The idea that she might still care if he lives or dies is almost too much for him. He pushes it away and pulls from Rey.
"I'll be back this evening. This will work."
"Okay. I trust you."
"And I treasure that trust." He smiles down on her and squeezes her hands briefly before withdrawing from her mind.
Kylo has been very careful throughout the day to remain focused on his duties. He does not let his mind wander to Rey, and he does not rush back to her as he has done every day for months. He lingers on the bridge, making sure he is seen.
When the crew changes shifts, he feels that enough time has passed and he returns to his quarters―to her.
He withdraws his mask and holds her face in his hands. He doesn't even need to say anything; she's already pulling him into her.
They're back in her small Resistance room and she is tense.
"I wish I could move! This would be so much easier if I could just walk with you as your apprentice, your prisoner, whatever."
"It would, but my reputation will ensure that no one questions me."
"You're sure? If you get caught doing this, they're sure to punish you … maybe even execute you."
"It wouldn't matter―if we get caught, I would lose you. Then they can do with me what they like."
Her eyes move swiftly to his. "No … don't say that."
"It's true, Rey. You … you have come to mean everything to me. If you were to die, I know I would not survive it." As soon as he says it he feels the weight of its truth. After years of loyalty he finds it is shockingly easy for him to turn his back on the Supreme Leader and the First Order. He hadn't even thought of doing anything other than saving her, regardless of the cost to himself. He doesn't know what will happen once they get to the Resistance. As long as Rey is safe, he will accept whatever consequences there are to himself.
"I don't know what to say to that."
"Simply accept it. I am tattered, broken, and stained, but I am yours."
She blinks up at him and lifts her hand to his face, softly trailing her fingers along his cheek. He closes his eyes briefly and leans into her touch. She is worth any sacrifice.
"It's time, Rey. I need to know where the Resistance is."
"Right, of course. They're on Quol." Quol, good. It's only a day away; she'll make it that long without medical attention.
"I must go."
Her eyes fill with fear for a moment before it's replaced with resolve. She pulls her hand from his face and goes on her toes, kissing him lightly.
"Good luck," she breathes against his lips.
Kylo withdraws gently from her mind.
He stands and removes his belt. He quickly finds the tracker buried within the leather. He does not destroy it, if he is very lucky no one will think to look for him until well into tomorrow morning, and when they do it will show him to be in his quarters. It may provide some additional time.
Before replacing his helmet and gloves, he leans over Rey and whispers softly in her ear, "Remember, I love you." He feels a strong pulse from her. Good, she has heard him.
He readies himself to be Kylo Ren one last time. Whoever she is making him into, he knows he's leaving something profound behind. Helmet and gloves in place, he gently lifts her from her bed. Her weight in his arms fills him with comfort; she's so solid and real.
The corridors are nearly empty, the night patrols light. He's nearly to the hangar when Hux comes around the corner. General Hux has always had spectacular timing.
"Ren … what are you doing with your apprentice?"
"That is none of your concern."
"This is highly irregular. It's the middle of the night―where are you taking her?" the always immaculate general demands.
"I've been given a mission from the Supreme Leader. He wishes for me to bring her to him."
"I was not informed of this," Hux says suspiciously.
"I am informing you now."
"I shall accompany you, confirm this with Supreme Leader."
Kylo doesn't want to do this, his hopes for an uneventful escape from the Finalizer dashed.
"You will return to your quarters and remember nothing from this conversation," Kylo instructs, the Force wrapping around his words.
"I will return to my … wait, oh no Ren, that won't work on me. You will tell me precisely what is going on, right now."
Kylo glances around the corridor and confirms that they are alone. Quickly he lets Rey's legs drop, holding her firmly about the waist so that she's dangling like a rag doll from his arm. Hux's eyes widen in alarm. With the now free hand Kylo quickly puts Hux into a deep Force sleep. Praying that no one comes by, he carefully lays Rey on the ground and lifts Hux with the Force and angles him into a small control room. Hux won't wake for hours, but anyone could come across him. He must move quickly.
He returns to Rey and pulls her back into his arms. He can feel her energy beating and spiking, calling out to him, attempting to pull him in. "Rey, no, everything's alright. We're almost to the hangar; I will be with you soon."
Kylo strides purposefully into the hangar with Rey clasped closely to him. He crosses to his ship. Several crew members look up, puzzled, but none approach him. He boards his shuttle and lays Rey along a bench―the very bench he'd laid her upon when he'd captured her on Takodana.
He goes to the cockpit and informs the bridge of his departure, keying in the coordinates for Quol.
"Destination, sir?" the officer queries.
"Classified mission from the Supreme Leader."
"Have a safe trip, sir."
He concentrates on maneuvering the shuttle out of the docking bay. They're almost away when alarms start to blare furiously. The comm comes alive. "The ship is on lockdown, please land now, sir."
The bay doors are beginning to close as Kylo pushes the thrusters to maximum and they barely make it through before the massive doors shut behind them. He raises the shields quickly.
"Sir, return at once!" blares through the comm.
He feels the ship lurch as a patrol of TIE fighters break off in pursuit, firing rapidly. They're almost at safe distance to make the jump to hyperspace. Again the shuttle rocks as they take another hit, but the shields are holding. Kylo has always rather liked his shuttle, it would take far more than a few TIE fighters to bring it down.
There, they've made it. He slams on the hyperdrive and gasps as they enter the safety of the blue of light speed. They can't be tracked until they next enter regular space.
He sets the autopilot and returns swiftly to Rey.
Kylo pulls his mask from his face and stills. Does he need this mask any longer? Will he ever wear it again?
He sits and pulls her head into his lap. "Rey … It's safe."
He finds himself in her mind once again. They're on 'Jakku'―he's very surprised at this choice. He's only just found his bearings when she's wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his chest.
"Rey, Rey, it's alright."
"Being trapped like this, not really knowing what was going on, I hate it. I hate being so helpless," she says into his chest.
"I know you do. Soon, soon you will be better."
"We're en route to Quol?"
"Yes, we will be there in day."
She pulls back and looks into his face. Fear flickers in her eyes. "This ship, they'll fire on us immediately."
"I know. My hope is that when I tell them you're with me they'll draw back. My shuttle can withstand quite a lot. X-wings are no match for an Upsilon shuttle."
"You won't return fire?" she asks.
"Only if I have to."
"No! You can't," Rey exclaims.
"Rey, I may have no choice."
"Please … please do your best not to hurt anyone."
"I will, I promise." He brings her closer, ghosting a kiss along her forehead. He keeps her tightly in his arms, reminding himself that she is safe. Snoke will never hurt her again.
After holding each other for a long time, she pulls from him and goes to sit on the crest of the dune they've been standing on. She's looking out over a large valley. It's twilight and there is a gentle breeze stirring the tendrils of hair around her face.
"Why Jakku? I thought you hate it here?" Kylo asks.
"I do … but it felt … safe."
"It's beautiful in its own way," he says, looking out across the dips and crests of the dunes, the indigo of near-night leaving them in deep shadow.
"Yes, I suppose it is."
He sits next to her, taking her hand in his.
"I can't believe this has actually happened. Thank you. Thank you for saving me."
"Oh Rey, there was never any question."
"Still, it's all a bit overwhelming. I'd been trying to get used to the idea of leaving you … and now, now I don't have to."
Kylo looks away.
"What is it?" she asks.
"Rey, we really don't know what's going to happen when we get there. I think … I think you're being a bit naive about how I will be received."
"And I think you don't know what you're talking about. The two months I spent with the Resistance, before I was captured, I was with Leia almost all of the time. She spoke of you frequently. She was heartbroken; she needed to make sense of it all."
Kylo is silent. He's been very careful to never consider what his actions on Starkiller must have done to Leia Organa.
"She won't let anything happen to you. She wants you back―she's always wanted you back."
"Then why didn't she come for me!" he bursts out angrily.
"I don't know; you'll need to ask her that. But I know that all she ever said about you was that she knew she'd failed you, that she'd made horrible choices. She blames herself for Han's death."
"Why?" Kylo asks confusedly.
"She asked Han to find you; she set him on that course."
"Oh no …" Kylo whispers to himself.
"You'll see. It's going to be alright."
"Hmmm." He decides not to argue with her. He wants to focus on the feel of her fingers twined with his.
They sit like that quietly, holding hands and looking out across the sands. Then Rey shifts, and places herself between his long legs. Soon she's resting with her back against his chest. He tightens his arms around her, pulling her as close as he can. She feels so small this way and he finds he likes being able to gather her to him like this. She's protected in the shelter of his body. The lurking fear that has stalked him since she was first hurt is finally gone.
He has kept her safe. He wants to always keep her safe.
Thank you to my truly spectacular friend and beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. Even when her life is crazy busy, she always makes time for me. A better friend cannot be found.
Thank you MissHarper, MeganD1, and Hannidae for alpha reading and holding my hand through this process.
Thank you readers! I am beyond grateful for the time you give my story.