I hope Lily isn't too horrible in this chapter.
xMissWhitneyBexx, thank you for your review. I'm really happy and relieved you feel the last chapter was worth the wait. I actually have mixed feelings about Lily's reaction!
Tanith Panic, sometimes it's annoying being right, isn't it? But I don't think Ethan would have dared send a parcel like that, even if he'd thought of it. I'm worried about what you'll think of this chapter though! Thank you for your review.
Lily dropped to her knees on the kitchen floor and sobbed, hating Alicia more than ever. She had no business sending Lily presents. None at all. But she'd done it and she'd got Lily's hopes up that they were from Ethan. She'd made Lily feel so happy and all for nothing.
The sink was blocked from having the soup poured into it and even when hacked into pieces, the flowers wouldn't fit into her bin and the ends of them poked out, looking down at her reproachfully. The vase was in there too, smashed to pieces.
The flowers had been so beautiful. Perhaps that was the worst thing of all: the happiness and pleasure they had given her. Not that she thought to be feeling any happiness and pleasure now, but it had been so wonderful to think that Ethan cared enough for her to do something so kind.
But he hadn't.
The kitchen floor was cold and hard against Lily's shins, but she didn't move. Her head dropped and she watched as her tears splashed onto the kitchen floor. She'd wanted so much for them to be from Ethan, but she should have realised it was unlikely he'd include a vase or make her some soup. Ethan was kind, but she couldn't imagine him doing something like that. He would be too shy. He would make offer to help, but never presume to do much unless his offer had been accepted.
No, this was the act of someone who was determined to bring happiness into everyone's lives; someone who would never give up, even when the clinical lead had asked her to back off.
An act of kindness. And forgiveness.
Lily knew she'd shown little of either lately.
The doorbell rang again, but Lily ignored it. She didn't even want to see Ethan now. He'd betrayed her and she couldn't forgive that. But she also didn't deserve his friendship.
A text arrived shortly afterwards. Lily didn't want to look at it, but she found herself doing so anyway. She didn't know why. She didn't know why she did anything lately.
Lily, I'm outside your flat. It's fine if you're not up to seeing visitors or if you've just had enough of me lately, but I was on my way home and I thought I'd stop by. Thinking of you. Ethan x
Lily realised she was on her feet. Her chest heaved as more sobs escaped, but her feet kept moving towards the door. She didn't know what she was doing. Ethan had told Alicia something personal about her; something very painful that she didn't want anyone to know but Ethan and Connie. Ethan had known she didn't want Alicia to know. He also knew wards her feelings for Alicia. He'd betrayed her trust and she never wanted to see him again.
But she felt so lost. So alone. She needed someone to hold her and Ethan was so lovely. There wasn't anyone else. Only Ethan, Connie and Alicia knew. Connie wasn't the sort of person you went to for comfort and neither, for different reasons, was Alicia. Lily and Alicia had a mentor-mentee relationship. It would be wrong for Lily to show weakness in front of her mentee and now Ethan had laid her weaknesses bare.
She was hurt. So hurt. But there was no-one else. No-one else cared.
Lily opened the door. Ethan was standing on the doorstep, a small bunch of flowers in his arms. "Hey. I, um, I got you these. I'm sorry they're so small. It seemed a bit tactless to buy you anything bigger, but now I feel a bit…" Ethan's voice trailed away. "Oh, Lily." He kept hold of the flowers as he put his arms around her, holding her tightly.
Lily clung to him, sobbing more and more loudly. "Ethan…" There was so much she wanted to say. She wanted to ask him to leave; to tell him she could no longer trust him. She also wanted to tell him she never wanted him to go.
Ethan ran his hand through her hair. "Come on, sweetheart. Come with me."
Lily's heart jumped at the endearment. She was sure he was speaking to her as he might to a patient – probably a very young patient – but she couldn't remember him ever saying that to a patient and it was so long since anyone had said anything like that to her and really meant it.
He tried to put his arm around her and walk with her into the living room, but the flowers were in the wrong way and there was an awkward moment as Ethan worked out which hand he should use for the flowers. It could have been amusing, but nothing could make Lily smile now.
Ethan put the flowers on the table and sat beside her on the sofa, his arm still around her. "I'm here, Lily. I know there's not very much I can do, but if there is anything, you only have to ask."
"Why did you tell Alicia?" sobbed Lily.
Ethan looked startled: presumably he didn't know about Alicia's present. "I… I'm sorry, Lily. I shouldn't have done it. I did tell her not to tell you she knew, but that's not really any excuse. I don't have an excuse. Alicia is… relentless. She was talking to me and she kept asking what was wrong and I was trying to avoid telling her, but she wouldn't take the hint. And I was getting so stressed, trying so hard not to be rude to her, and then suddenly I found that I was telling her… I'm so sorry, Lily. I never should have done it. She did promise not to tell you she knew, but that's beside the point. I never should have told her."
"It's not your fault," sniffed Lily, wiping her eyes. "You shouldn't have told her, but I know what she's like."
"She does mean well," said Ethan, very gently. "She's just… I often find that people don't really believe I'm as different as I seem. They think there's a normal person behind all the oddities. They think that if only they could boost my confidence a little bit, I'd be much more comfortable on a pub crawl than I would catching up on the latest medical research."
Lily looked at him in surprise, then nodded. "Yes. I have experienced that too. I have always been… alone. I suppose it is partly my fault, but when I got to medical school, I was amazed and pleased when a group of girls seemed to want to be friends with me. They were intelligent and focused in class and I thought I'd finally found some people like me. But after class ended, all they wanted to do was go to the student union and drink shots. There are times when I have a bad day and I want to get drunk, but I didn't want to do it every day."
"Neither would I!" said Ethan with feeling. "I do quite like going to the pub sometimes, just to be with people like Cal and Lofty and Robyn. They're all nice people and when you've gone through a challenging day together and shared the stresses, it's sometimes good to share some relaxation with them too. But once or twice a week is plenty. And when I say I'd like to have a drink, I do usually mean a drink, singular. Perhaps occasionally two, but I very rarely want more."
"I occasionally want more than two," admitted Lily in a low voice.
"That's all right," said Ethan. "I didn't mean to criticise you. I just mean that we have our own ideas about drinking and what we find enjoyable. And I think that applies to most things in life. We don't necessary want exactly the same things, but I often don't want the same as the majority - and I think it might be the same for you."
Lily nodded. "It is the same for me."
Ethan smiled. "I've always thought we had a lot in common. But I think Alicia, though she's only ever motivated by kindness, has trouble understanding people who are different."
"No, I can't agree with that," said Lily. "Alicia has very good social skills. She is very empathic and the patients respond to her. She must understand. She chooses to ignore me because she believes her way is better."
"There… there is some truth in that," allowed Ethan, "but only because she doesn't understand that our way is a valid way. But that doesn't change the fact she means well and genuinely wants to help."
Lily shook her head and let her head drop into her hands. She was so tired and if Ethan was right…
"Hey. It's okay," said Ethan. He patted Lily's shoulder. "Sorry. This really wasn't a good time for this conversation. Would you like me to put your flowers in water for you?"
At the mention of flowers, guilt twisted inside Lily again. "I don't deserve them, Ethan."
"Of course you do," said Ethan gently. "Listen to me. Just because you don't like Alicia and you find her attempts to help intrusive – and I'm sure I'd have felt the same way if she'd behaved in the same way towards me – it doesn't make you a bad person. I think a lot of your concerns about Alicia are valid. I really do."
Lily started to cry again. "It's not just that."
"What is it then?" asked Ethan. He tried to take her hands away from her face. "Come on, Lily. You can tell me."
Lily didn't want to tell him. His kindness and support meant so much and she didn't want to lose it, but she knew that if Ethan went into the kitchen, she would see the remains of Alicia's flowers and the blocked sink. She had to tell him. She couldn't let Ethan go on thinking she was a good person when she wasn't.
Ethan gently lowered her hands and kept hold of them, squeezing them tightly as he looked at her, his eyes warm and caring. "You can tell me, Lily. You can tell me anything."