It had been awhile since Dean had come back to the hotel. He was glad that shortly after he came back Chuch had left and Sam didn't bother to press him for anything. Sam knew better than to start asking him what had happened. If he wanted to talk about it then he would find a way, and right now he didn't want to.

So Dean had dragged himself off to the shower hoping it would make him feel better. It had worked just a bit too. He felt better physically after he'd come out, but emotionally he was still a mix of things.

It was still in his head, everything that happened, and her words – trying, wanting, needing to – forget him. It shouldn't have gotten to him so much, but it did. Manda had gone on a bad bender trying to forget him, and he still felt like it was his fault. But he also felt she was being impossible and almost as if she had shifted the blame. It was the scared girl inside of her that had done it, he could see that. The strong woman she also was though wouldn't admit to it either, he knew that too. He knew she was probably scared to feel something for him, but didn't know why she was fighting it so hard. She'd gone to the point of getting quite reckless with herself over him, so she must have been fighting it pretty damn badly. And yet he knew he was not much better.

Dean had left out so many things he should have said to her, but it was easier for him to fight all of that and just ask her why she had done it. So that's what he had done. A part of him knew that by doing it she would push him away again. He wasn't sure he had exactly wanted her to push, but he'd gone about it that way. But why had he done it especially when he felt so different about her? For him this wasn't a girl you let go, but here he was letting it happen.

He'd finally come back out of the bathroom after just standing in there thinking after getting dressed. Sam had looked at him questioningly but he said nothing.

Dean was tired, more tired than he thought, so he had just lied down and tried to shut his eyes. But he was hungry and his stomach was growling at him now. It'd been hours since he'd last eaten, he hadn't even thought about it until now.

He sat up and started putting on his boots. "I'm starving. You want me to pick you anything up Sam?"

Sam was surprised Dean had finally spoken, but not surprised at all that his brother was hungry. "Uh… sure."

Chuch walked back in to their room then and went to sit with Sam.

"Dean's making a food run, do you want something?" Sam asked her.

"Sure. I could eat before we go after this spirit, if that's what it is."

Dean grunted slightly and then asked them what they wanted.

As he was walking out the door he heard Chuch faintly say "I talked to her Sam, and he never told her half of what he told you…" as he closed the door and left.

Dean had figured that was where Chuch had gone, but now he knew for sure. And now it seemed Manda knew more details of what he'd done last night. He hoped that even though he'd been too afraid to tell her, that maybe now she'd realize just how much he cared, and then she'd stop hiding the truth from herself and from him about her feelings. But she was probably too pigheaded to do that, he knew he was when it came to her.

Usually he was too confident, even a bit cocky at times, and he would go after what he wanted knowing he would end up with it. But she was different. Manda seemed to be able to strip him of that in seconds. It irritated and excited him, because he wasn't like that at all when it came to other women.

She had also made him act sort of like he did with Sam, but it was still different from that. The truth was that's why he found himself walking away when she pushed, because feeling that strongly about someone, maybe even wanting to love them in a way that was similar and still different from how he loved Sam… well, it made him uneasy.

If he let himself fall for Manda the way he could see himself doing, it would be too difficult for him afterwards when she wasn't there with him. He would want to protect her, even when he knew she was more than capable of taking care of herself except for when she was being careless. It was just what Dean did with the people who were closest to him. He had to look out for them, keep them safe, and he would always want to do whatever it took to make sure of that. If Manda couldn't be there alongside of him the way Sam always is from city to city and town to town, which was the way it would be because of how and who they were, then there was no way he could do that. Dean didn't think he could handle that part of it.

As Dean headed back with the food, he realized that was the main reason why he had pressed her for an answer earlier. Why a part of him had wanted her to push him away again. If he hadn't then he would have let himself fall, and then he would be left powerless to keep Manda safe when they parted ways. And if something happened to her after that, Dean would feel like it was somewhat his fault and that was something he couldn't and wouldn't want to live with.

*

It was the evening now and Manda had been sitting there for the longest time thinking about everything. There were questions that had no answers and answers that had no questions.

She still had barely any memory of what had really happened the night before, but at least she had more details thanks to Chuch. That had cleared up some of it since Dean had offered very little in the first place.

Manda had to break it down individually to try to start working it out, but her head was spinning with what she knew and what she was still trying to remember.

She turned on her laptop, put on some music and sat back while she tried to let it clear her head. She decided to start on what she did know, why she was at the bar in the first place.

She hoped that something would jog her memory after that for the rest.

Manda had gone to there in an attempt to drown her sorrows. She wanted to drown out the things Dean had said, the hurt he left her with, and the feelings she had towards him that she was having too much trouble denying. But she didn't want to give in, she couldn't give in. Dean could mean too much too her, and he could hurt her. Or she could hurt him and that would hurt her too.

When she was hurt, there was only one thing she did – she got reckless. When she got that way she chased herself in a downward spiral until something else replaced the pain she felt.

And Dean, well, Dean could hurt. If she let him in he could break her heart, so it was better she break her own by sending him the other way. She had pulled back and pushed him away at the same time, and caused all of the pain she felt now. But she couldn't let herself fall. It was too messy, too much, and just not something she wanted to go through again.

The last time she'd let herself fall for someone, it hadn't ended very well at all. Then Manda had nearly destroyed herself from the guilt over what had happened, and just about lost everything she had to lose in the process.

Now Manda felt she was heading down the same path anyway. She'd been ready to try to destroy herself again just by trying to avoid getting close to Dean, never mind actually allowing it to happen. It would be too easy for her to get close to him, and then too easy to find herself falling in love with him, which was exactly why she couldn't let it happen. To let it happen and to know that it would probably end up one of two ways would leave her on the last spiral she'd ever take. With that kind of pain there was only one thing that could replace it, and Manda knew she'd chase it because she'd done it before.

A song suddenly came on, one she knew she had heard last night, and that's when her memory released what it had been blocking and was still blurry.

The flashes started to fire at her in story mode and while there were still blanks, most of them had been filled in.

Manda remembered the guy that came up and she had started talking to thinking he was pretty cute. Thinking what the hell, this could be fun. So she let herself flirt, tease, and drink more. When the guy made his move she was already fairly wasted, and she just went with it. It might have been wrong, but Manda was aching to feel something other than the pain Dean had caused, and how she seemed to need it. So she made out with this guy she didn't know as the alcohol took more control of her, and she had a little more to drink. Her inhibitions slipped, as did any inkling of Dean she had, and whatever sense she had went along as well.

Then she'd left with him, and she had no idea what she was doing at the time. Manda just remembered walking out of there, trying to walk by herself and stumbling along the way.

Then she was feeling him on her, holding her down. She had felt the coolness of the night air on her face at that point, along with the cold, hard feel of the hood of the car beneath her and it started to bring back some of her senses. He was on her, kissing her, touching her, and she didn't want that anymore. She wanted him off, his face out of hers, and so she tried to push but he held tight. The defensive skills that had been drilled into her kicked in then and a part of her still knew how to fight. It wouldn't be much different than fighting with head wounds that caused coordination to be off and strength diminished. Manda had known all she needed to do was find the opening to strike, and she had when she pulled him closer and kneed him before she pushed with whatever she had left in her to get him off of her. She had started to get up, which was no easy task for how tipsy she was when he smacked her. Her cheek had stung from the hit, her head hurt from knocking back on the hood, and Manda had known then she wasn't going to be able to keep fighting. She couldn't really fight as it was for how drunk she was, but she kept struggling under him because she wasn't going to make it very easy for him as long as she was conscious.

Then she had heard Dean's voice and she knew it was okay to give up because he would take care of her. Knew she would be safe as long as he was there. So she had stopped struggling and within a few seconds she had blacked out. She didn't know for how long, but the shaking of the car had roused her from the temporary slip, and she turned to see what was happening. Manda had tried crawling up the hood even, but didn't get very far because her eyes saw Dean punching the guy who'd been on her. His fists were just pummelling away on the guy. Her eyes had been heavy, her vision fuzzy, but she had watched an angry looking Dean beating the crap out of this guy before she passed out again.

Then she had heard Dean again, saw his face. There was a big gap that followed. Then the next thing she remembered was hearing Dean's voice again and the sensation of someone holding her up. Then he was saying he was sorry as he pulled her shirt off her and lifted her up off the floor just as she was slipping out of consciousness again.

Now Manda knew what he'd done. She'd been a complete mess and Dean had just been there for her throughout it. He'd beat the shit out of an asshole for her, then taken her away from the situation, and looked after her all night. He'd been strong for her, then kind to her, tender even. Then he hadn't told her much of it of what he had done for her when she was finally alert and aware again.

And Manda had still pushed him away as soon as he'd asked her why. Yes it had been because of Dean, but it was mostly because of her. She wouldn't let herself give in to wanting him.

She knew then she'd been a damned fool. Dean cared, he cared, and yet he wouldn't say it. But he had shown it, and then he'd hidden it from her. Manda didn't know if she was the bigger fool, or if both of them were just being stupid. She was willing to bet she was the bigger fool, but damn him, he was hiding from it just as much as she was.

Now Manda decided she was having no more of it, she was done pushing him away. After what he'd done for her she knew she couldn't let him just leave again. It terrified the hell out of her to think that she was about to do this, but she had to do it. She had to lay it all out of the table for him. She was going to have to swallow her pride and go after Dean. It was time to apologize, explain, admit and then hope to hell she hadn't completely destroyed all of it up with the way she had treated him.

But she was going to do it, right after she got rid of the dirt she felt from certain memories. Dean might have saved her, but he couldn't save her from that shame and disgust.

Manda did everything as quickly as she could. She had been sick a few times, then showered, and put herself together as best as she could with the least amount of time she wanted to take. Then she headed out her door and over to his room, praying he was still there.

When she got there, Manda noticed the Impala wasn't parked out front. The panic settled in then. "Shit, he's gone… he's left. God, not again," she said out loud as she stood in front of his room. But she had to be sure, had to make sure that he was really gone, because if he was then she deserved it.

Manda knocked on the door and waited. But the room was dark and there was no answer.

She stood there for a moment, wondering if maybe he was just hiding inside, Sam could have the car after all. Manda took a deep breath, and then knocked again.

"Dean? Dean if you're in there, please answer the door," she called out. But there was nothing after the few minutes more she had waited.

Now she felt the guilt sinking in even more. Dean was gone. Gone like she knew he would be and she had made him go. She felt awful, just completely awful. Manda wanted to beat herself up for the moron she'd been because he'd left and now when she was finally ready to pull him she couldn't.

Manda started walking back to her room completely dazed and fighting off the urge to cry since she'd done this to herself. She could call Dean, but he'd probably ignore her.

Then she had an idea. She'd drive around and see if the Impala was parked anywhere near here. Maybe they'd just gone out instead of left.

And that's what she did. Manda had raced to her room, grabbed her keys and took off in her car. She stopped by the bar, drove by a few other places where she figured they might be, but there was no sign of the Impala and no sign of Dean anywhere.

She felt so desperate now, but she had to find him, and he wasn't anywhere to be found. Maybe he had left, and if he had, then Manda knew she'd never be able to fix this. That she had screwed up royally.

She drove back to the hotel, and just before she reached her room she spotted Chuch's GTO in the lot.

Manda wondered why she hadn't thought of calling Chuch. If she was still here then maybe she was with Sam and Dean, and if she wasn't then she might know where they had gone.

And Manda had to find Dean. She had to find him tonight. She didn't care where he was either – she'd go anywhere at this point to get it all out in the open.

She parked in front of her room, grabbed her phone, dialled Chuch, and waited for her to answer.

"Hi Manda."

"Chuch, are you with Sam and Dean?" Manda asked without bothering to say hi in return.

"Uh… I'm with Sam. Why?" Chuch's curiosity was apparent in her voice.

"Oh… any idea where Dean is?" Manda tried not to sound too anxious as she asked.

"He stayed behind, said he was tired, so he should be in their room. Why?"

"I… I just need to find him," Manda said.

"Going to make up with him now?" Chuch laughed.

"Something like that… if he'll even give me the time of day." Manda hoped that was the case, but wasn't sure he would.

"He will." Chuch was sure of it.

"I hope so Chuch, I hope so…" she trailed off in thought.

"He will, but I gotta go. Time to kick some spirit ass, but I want all the details later."

"Good luck, and thanks Chuch… for telling me what I needed to know." Manda was being genuine as she disconnected the call.

Manda got out of her car, and then walked back over to Dean's room. If he was there earlier then he'd ignored her, or he could have been out. She didn't know, and right now it didn't matter. She was going to try this again, she had to.

Manda knocked on the door and waited. Again there was nothing again and the room was still in darkness as far as she could tell.

"Dean, it's me, and I know you probably hate me right now, but I need to talk to you. Please open up if you're there." A bit of pleading leaked through in her voice as she said the words.

She waited for a minute or two, but nothing happened. She felt awful, and he was either not there or he was ignoring her. He probably didn't want to hear it, didn't want to see her, but Manda wasn't giving up just yet. "Look, if you're in there and ignoring me, then fine, I'm just going to stand out here and say something anyway. I might be an idiot for talking to what could be an empty room, but I have to try." Her voice was desperate sounding now, but she didn't care.

She took a deep breath and waited for a moment as she hoped he would open the door if he was in there. But he didn't, so she leaned facing towards the door with a shoulder against the frame and started with what she needed to say.

"It was wrong to push you away Dean… I know that and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the first time, and then fighting with you again yesterday and this afternoon. I'm beyond sorry for it. Maybe it's too late now, but I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. But I know what you did for me Dean… and I can't believe I made you leave yet again. And now I'm done running and pushing, but it doesn't matter because you're done with me. I hate that I did this, I'm an idiot for doing this." Her voice was starting to break now, so she stopped and took another breath before she continued.

"There's so much I want to say, that I'm scared to say, and if you're ignoring me then you probably don't care to hear it. And even if that's the case, I still had to tell you anyway. Regardless of how everything is between us, I owe you that much. You deserve to at least hear a fraction of how sorry I am, and how much I regret it… because I am and I do. And I just needed you to know some of that before I go. I'm walking away safely now just like you suggested, because you were right."

She sighed silently. This kind of open honesty was not easy, and she wanted to stop. But she couldn't, so she took another deep breath and found the strength to keep going with the words. "I'm going to go now hoping that you heard some of this because in the morning I'll be gone… so I guess this goodbye Dean. I really wish I'd treated you differently… you're a better man than I could ever deserve anyway."

She paused for a minute, raised a hand and lightly pressed it to the door before she finished what she had to say.

"Again, I'm sorry. I hope you'll find a way to forgive me, but if you can't then I understand. So goodbye… and thank you Dean, for everything you did for me last night and this morning." Her voice was genuine and held a bit of sadness in it as she spoke the last words as she let her hand slip from the door.

Now Manda was done. She'd just spilled out as much as she was going to at a shut door.

She walked back to her room feeling that she'd screwed this up beyond repair, and not knowing that Dean had in fact been on the other side listening to every single word.

Are you glad to see Manda has finally come to her senses?
As always, if you've got any comments or thoughts - go ahead and leave them!
Thanks for still reading if you're sticking around to see what happens... :)