So This Is It

Chapter Ten

January, turned into February, which quickly changed to March, and the twenty degree winter weather turned into sixty degrees. Spring wasn't exactly here yet, but it wasn't hard to tell that it would be arriving shortly. Thinking of the new season was a little bittersweet though. I haven't seen my brothers since November, and I haven't talked to the since mid December, that was three months ago.

"Ponyboy!"

I groaned and rubbed my eyes. I didn't want to get up, and my body was totally agreeing with me. I moaned while I opened my eyes. It took me a few seconds before it I realized it was dark. I rolled over to find Jase, stuffing his pillow under the blankets on his bed and arranging a lump to look like a person.

"Cover for me. Got that?" Jase said, while throwing a backpack over his shoulder. I rolled my eyes, too out of it to care. it was three in the morning and I was tired.

I buried my head under my pillow and mumbled, "Sure."

I was already asleep when Jase pulled the pillow off of me, and pulled me up by my shirt collar. "I mean it kid!" he yelled in a whisper before releasing his grip on my shirt. "Tell them I'm sick or something if they ask. I won't be back til morning. If they find out, you're dead!"

"I get it."

Jase walked away, opening the window and the screen as well. I sighed. If only we were on the second floor then maybe I wouldn't be his cover up. I sighed, sometimes I really hated that guy, actually no, I've always hated that guy. Over the past couple months, I've just tried my best to ignore him and not get in his way, and he's done the same with me, but I wish I didn't have to live with him, or at least not be roommates with him. It's awfully hard to avoid him when you share the same room.

I sighed and rolled over, facing the wall. I thought about my old roommate. It's been awhile since I have really thought about them. I do think about them a lot, but now I find myself thinking about them less and less. Sometimes I go through an entire day or two without even thinking about either of them, and I felt horrible about it, but I can't help it. Three months is a long time to not speak to someone you're close to. I feel like I'm drifting apart from them.

I am drifting apart from them.

They'd probably be disappointed in me if they saw me. Much has happened since the beginning of the year, very much. I still hang out with Andrew, Carter, and Alex, and no, before you say anything I haven't smoked anything but a regular cigarette since Darry's birthday. I've gone back to my regular ways of smoking, except I only smoke once or twice a day rather than a pack. I guess that's better.

I can't imagine what Darry would do if he saw my report card. I'm passing my classes but my grades are worse than they ever been. I got one A, two B's, and the rest are all C's. I don't try anymore, or at least as much. I don't put much care into schoolwork. No one cares about it, no one is ever concerned about how I do in school, why should I be?

Sometimes, I just wish I could talk to one of them, even Two-Bit or Steve. I just want someone who knew who I was before everything changed to tell me what to do, because I have no clue. It's like I'm in a hole, surrounded by darkness and dirt, but at the top there's light, but I can't climb up there, every time I try I fall. I need someone to tell me how to get out of here, toss me a rope or something.

I shivered, and pulled a light blanket over me. I don't know how I am going to get out of that hole, but hopefully one day I will, with help or not.

I closed my eyes and pictured myself at my old home, my real home, I pictured Soda's arm around me, telling me everything would be okay, and drifted back to sleep.

I hope imaginary Soda is right.

oOo

I guess there's one con to sleeping on the east side of the house. As the sun began to lift above the horizon, it decided to wake me up as well. I looked out the window and sighed at the sunrise. I shook my head and turned my direction at the clock. It was eight in the morning, and Jase wasn't back. I wish he would've told me how long I would have to cover for him. I pulled the light blanket off of me and immediately shut the blinds, but left the window opened for him when he returned. I didn't want to see the sunrise, I refused.

I quickly pulled my t-shirt off before digging through my dresser drawers, pulling out a nice shirt and pants. I hated Sundays. Sundays meant church.

I been to many services before. My mom was religious and would go to church every few months or so and would take us along with her. After she and my dad died, Johnny and I went a few times and then stopped after Two-Bit, Steve, and Soda decided to play with the hymnals in the back which brought a lot of attention to us. I haven't been since until I stumbled upon the Millers. Every Sunday they make us go, but their services are a lot different than the ones I've been to, and despite the fact that I've been living under this roof for three months, I still can't get used to the responses and such.

I went to the living room, where Mrs. Miller was running trying to find a missing earring and Ellie sat on the couch playing with the hem of her dress.

"I hope Jason's almost ready," Mr. Miller said as he took a glance at his watch. "We're going to be late if we don't leave in the next few minutes."

I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. I hated lying unless I absolutely had to. Lord, forgive me for this.

"He's not feeling very well. He says he doesn't think he'd be able to make it to church."

Mrs. Miller shoved the found earring into her earlobe and sighed. "Alright, I'll just check on him after mass. I hate him missing it but we're late and we got to get going."

I sighed, I hope he'd be back by then.

oOo

We got back from church, and swear, my stomach was probably going to start World War III. But I ignored it's rumbling and pain and went straight towards my bedroom, relieved to see a body climbing through the window the second I opened the door.

"You're back," I said dully. At the same time, I did kind of wanted Jase to get into trouble for once. He never gets caught, I don't know how he manages it, but he does.

"Yeah mannnn… it was great!"

I rolled my eyes. "I sure hope it was, you better act pretty sick before Mrs. Miller comes walking through that door. She's pretty upset."

Jase shrugged. "She'll get over it. She always gets over it."

"Where'd you go anyway?" I couldn't help but ask. I never asked before, not until now.

"Tusla."

My eyes went wide. "Tulsa?"

"Yeah, kid. It's not that far away from here. Only like twenty minutes."

"Why Tulsa?"

Jason looked annoyed, he was about to speak before there was a soft knock on the door. He dived for the bed and fumbled to get under the blankets before Mrs. Miller came in, who didn't seem to question the sloppy position the blankets were in, or the pillows he substituted for as his body that had just been thrown on the floor. She gave him a bowl of soup, smiled and left the room. I couldn't help but shake my head.

"I gotta get out of here," I mumbled to myself. I didn't care I was still wearing dorky nice clothing. I told Mrs. Miller I was going on a walk and left, still ignoring my stomach's protest.

oOo

The sixty degree air felt nice, and well-deserved after the past couple chilly months. I didn't get out much away from the Millers minus when I went to school, so for once, since that one day back in January, I felt free. I wish I could feel like this more often, I never really had opportunities to escape. Maybe that's why Jase leaves every week or two. I kind of wish he'd drag me with him, especially now that I know where he goes.

I couldn't believe it. All this time, he's been to Tulsa.

I shook my head. I couldn't think about that. I wouldn't. I didn't want to think about home. I didn't want to think about my friends. I especially didn't want to think about my brothers. I just hated thinking about them, as much as I loved them, I wish they'd just erase themselves from my mind. I can't stand it, it's too painful to think about them because that's when I start missing them. I refused to give in.

I reached the top of a hill, and I found myself in front of a general store. How I ended up here, I couldn't tell you. I sighed and went in. After hanging out with Two-Bit over there years, hanging out with Carter and the others gave me the opportunity to practice and perfect everything I've seen Two-Bit do. I sadly regret going to stores with Two-Bit now, but I didn't care at that moment.

I sat on the curb outside the store and opened up the packet of cigarettes. I only smoked one, and one was all I needed. I told you, I'm not as bad as I was before I left Tulsa, I guess there is just one good thing that came out of this whole foster care thing, but only one.

I sat there for a while. I don't recall how much time had past, but I watched probably twenty people walk in and out of that store. I stood up, and my eyes drew to a pay phone. I closed my eyes and let out a breath before digging into my pocket, pulling out the change that Mrs. Miller told me to put into the poor box at church but I forgot to. I inserted a coin, dialed, and waited.

It was Sunday, neither Darry or Soda worked on Sunday. But I listened to it ring, and ring, and ring some more and I sighed. After a few more moments of no answer, I hung up. I guess that was a total waste of a quarter. Maybe they both got different schedules than they had when I left. Four months had passed, I bet they have, but it was just hard to believe for me. It's hard to think time is passing at the house. In a way, I always pictured things to be the exact same as I left it, like nothing had happened when I would return and we'd just get on with out lives as if I never left. I know that isn't true, but I just wish it was.

I looked at the phone one last time, and shook my head. I'd have to find another way to talk to them without the Millers finding out, even if it was stealing from the poor technically. It was still for a good cause. I needed this. I didn't have much hope these days. I've about almost given up. I needed something to pick me back up. I needed someone.

That's when the realization finally dawned on me. I raced home to the Miller's, again, ignoring my hungry stomach, and went to the room where Jase was taking a nap. I didn't blame him. If I didn't sleep at all last night, I'd be doing the same thing, plus it helped with the whole "sick" thing.

I shook him awake, forgetting that Jase hates me and this wasn't the best idea, but I didn't care about the consequences. I had to know. I needed clarification.

"Where exactly did you go last night Jase?"

Jase rubbed his eyes and looked a little confused. "You went to Tulsa, but what did you do?"

"I went to a party." He squinted his eyes a little bit. "Why?"

"What party?"

"Just this party at this bar my cousin goes to."

"Buck's?"

"Yeah, what's the big deal, Ponyboy?" He pushed me away from him as he slowly became more awake and aware, but it didn't bother me.

"I'm going with you next time."

I walked out before he could protest, and went into the kitchen to eat. I hope I was right, and if I was, maybe things could get better from now on. Maybe I'll get out of here sooner than expected. Maybe I can finally manage it escape from the hole I've been trapped in.

Alright, sorry about the wait(it shouldn't have been that bad), again, weekends are the only time I get to write anymore because I'm too busy and tired during the weekdays. Hopefully there will be an update next weekend...

Thanks to everyone supporting this story. It's very important and means so much to me that people actually care about my work and that means a lot to me. I want to be successful in writing when I grow up and everyone who's reviewed, favorited, followed gives me more confidence in myself. Thanks!

-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99