Telling Stan about my confusion was therapeutic, to say the least.
It gave me a lot to think of.
The word admiration kept repeating itself in my brain.
Could that really be why I was so drawn to Eric?
Do you really admire someone and then feel obsessive attraction towards them?
The day after, June 9th, I woke up at about 8 am.
I couldn't sleep, as I couldn't stop thinking about that.
There was another thing that wouldn't leave my brain, that is that I somehow wanted to be woken up sweetly by Eric and Heidi.
Nothing inappropriate, just them taking care of me in a way.
Our parents / little boy thing was getting out of hand and I, myself, was aware of it.
My "wake up call" - in brakets because I was already awake - wasn't really sweet, not one bit.
It was Stan shaking my body saying "Wake up, you dumbass."
How cute.
I sat up, yawning.
"Reminder, tell me how your thing with Eric develops, ok?" Stan said, again.
He looked a bit concerned to say the least.
It felt good to be able to be open about it, but only to an extent.
I was afraid he would let it slip.

That day we were all supposed to go to a beach, one Kenny and Butters were truly crazy about.
It was Butters' childhood place to spend the Summer.
Its name was Queen's beach, and Butters had learned how to surf there, when he was around three years old.
I was slightly frightened by that seaside, honestly - Hawaii was famous for shark attacks.
Of course, when I disclosed my anxiety to the group, mr Eric Cartman said "I hope a shark eats you, you retard. "
Classic.
But that time, I didn't respond with my usual stare.
I was feeling a bit upset, if I had to be honest.
I felt like I had swallowed a crab, and the little crustacean was now in my stomach, twisting it and pinching it with its pincers.
Was it OK to call someone like that?
Moreover, why did I usually laugh about it, but I was feeling like that in that moment?
I tried to brush it off.
While ready to mount our surfboards, I heard a "cute" exchange between Eric and Heidi.
"Babe, what would you do if a shark bit me?" asked the object of my desires to his girlfriend.
"I would save you from it, of course." said Heidi with a hint of playfulness.
Funny how could someone so thin and frail like her save someone as thick as Eric from a monstrous fish.
"Even if he bit off my legs?"
"I would love you anyway."
"And what if he bit off down from here?" Eric touched his pelvis, suggesting that the shark would dine with his private parts.
Damn me, I was totally looking at where he had pointed.
Stan's icy stare warned me that it was showing.
My eyes shifted to Heidi, who looked very indecisive.
"I would leave you there." She responded, entertained.
Eric's eyes widened so much that they had literally turned fully black.
He scoffed, then his voice produced a childish sound.
"What? I thought you'd die with me, let the shark eat you too."
The whole thing ended with them kissing and Heidi saying she was joking.
I would leave you there.
Would Heidi really let a shark make a feast of her boyfriend if his private parts got bitten off?
They would often allude to the fact that they were, in a way, obsessed with each other's genitalia.
Not that it was impossible, them being in a relationship, but they would often emphasise their undying love for each other's sex parts.
Of course, my mind wandered places at the mention of Eric's privates.
Had I been Heidi, I would have kept Eric, anyway, in any shape or form.
Surfing had proven itself to be rather difficult and scary.
I envied the grace that the gay couple in our group displayed when standing of their surfboards, riding the tidal waves.
Stan seemed to be OK at it, with the occasional fall.
Eric was good at surfing, too. He had done it a few times, it seemed.
But then again, there was nothing Eric couldn't do.
He was good at everything.
Even at making you feel completely at his mercy, confusing your head so much that you only thought he was the voice of reason.
I was probably too focused on Eric, the fact that Stan knew, trying to make a sense of those strong feelings towards that guy.
I just couldn't stop staring at him, at his long, expert legs on the surfboard.
His concentrated face never failed to attract me, he looked a little angry, yet at peace, as sweat and sea water mixed on his forehead, giving him a strong masculine vibe.
He knew his way in the water, I had to admit.
He had been a lifeguard for the South Park pool for a while, so he certainly wasn't afraid of drowning.
Those stupid waves would engulf me completely, as I was too distracted to even keep my balance on that board.
My focus just wouldn't shift from Eric.
I was getting desperate to catch a glimpse of his body, his aura...

Even when we went back to the shore, while everyone else giggled about their fun experience, I was hypnotized by that guy.
I was getting rather upset that he wasn't giving me his attention.
He hadn't given me his love or even pulled a prank on me since we had gone to Hawaii.
His favorite person to tease was turning to be Stan.
I was furious with jealousy, because he knew he was becoming Eric's favorite and he liked to play with it.
I went livid whenever he would ruffle Stan's hair, making a mess of it.
Someone else would have probably distracted himself from it and go be cute and silly with another friend, like Heidi, since she was only sunbathing.
But, to me, only Eric existed in that moment.
So I had to do something in order to get his attention.
I pretended to fall on the sand.
That only managed to make everyone laugh - and get some of the grains of sand all over Heidi's hair.
That worked, though.

That night, too tired from all the events of the day, we decided to have a night in in Eric and Heidi's room.
There was a random flycatcher in that room.
It didn't belong to them, or any of us.
It was probably property of someone who had previously resided inside the room.
A weird thing to bring on vacation.
That object was rather important, on that night.
While being physically pushed around from Eric to Kenny to Stan I managed to fall on the floor, headfirst.
I was laughing because I was finally at the center of attention and I loved it.
I was getting attacked with a tickle frenzy, so I whimpered and squirmed like a fish on the shore.
I managed to lie on my stomach - a smart position to avoid getting tickled - but I couldn't foresee what happened next.
The aforementioned flycatcher somehow managed to get into Eric's grasp and then be brought down right on my left buttcheek, several times.
I was shocked at the sudden contact.
He was spanking me, just like in my dreams.
I couldn't believe what was happening. It didn't hurt or anything - for that object wasn't really thick - but it still stung in a delicate way.
I wanted more. I wasn't as desperate as I was in my most personal dreams, but I was truly enjoying it.
My position prevented everyone in the room from taking a look at my pants and notice my umpteenth erection.
I had lost count of how many times that had happened, around Eric and his tricks.
"Ow!" I whimpered, acting like I was in pain.
I couldn't see Stan's expression, but I was convinced he was either appalled or annoyed.
It wasn't really my fault that I was turned on by Eric's action, it was that kind of thing that always managed to get me all fired up. Also, his grunts and "You take this, bitch!"didn't really help.
Heidi must have been bothered by her boyfriend's treatment of my backside, in fact she forcefully removed the object from his hands.
I craned my neck to the left, slightly, to see what face my best friend was showing.
She was visibly concerned, her face red.
"Stop!" she said as she threw the flycatcher as far away from us as possible.
Eric, on the other hand displayed a satisfied expression with something underneath it that screamed sadism.
He was smiling wickedly, basically, until his little "toy" was removed from his hand - which turned his smile into a frown.
"He is going to be turned on!" I heard Heidi loudly whisper in her boyfriend's ear.
She probably didn't intend to have that heard by me, but I couldn't help it.
Heidi, of course, like the best friend she was, knew of my thing with being dominated.
So, that was probably a reference to it and she would have been concerned by anyone spanking me.
I tried to convince myself that it was impossible for her to know.
She would have asked me about it, Heidi was never one to hide things from anyone - especially me.
She would have told me, had she had a doubt about it.
I was a bit more stiff with her for the rest of the night, though.
I was genuinely afraid of the question.
I managed to get distracted by my fear by "watching" Shutter Island, a film only I and Stan had previously watched.
I wasn't too thrilled about the movie itself - it was a very deep and, well, slow movie, plus, I had already seen it - I was more into who I was sitting next to.
The hotel room had a big bed, a sofa and two chairs.
I was sitting (more like lying) at the far left of the bed, with Eric next to me at the center of it.
Next to him was Stan, while the gay couple was on the sofa, Heidi on one of the chairs.
She was holding Kenny's computer on her lap, all concentrated while plugging it to the tv.
Something about her gave me a negative vibe.
She looked a bit upset that I was the one next to her boyfriend.
As if she would have preferred lying on the bed instead of sitting alone at that chair.
I gulped, nervous.
She was bothered by it, something that had never happened before.
Or, at least, something I had never noticed.
The movie started, but I didn't pay attention to it in the least.
I was so close to Eric that our legs and arms touched.
I kept staring at his strong arm, how it felt on my own, how badly I wanted to wrap my arms around it.
I put myself in a semi fetal position as I slowly, a bit hesitantly, placed my head on his shoulder.

He didn't even turn his head, for he was too concentrated on the movie.
It was captivating him, I could see.
I didn't know if I should actually do what I wanted to, I didn't know whether it would be too forward or disrespectful towards Heidi.
It's just friendly cuddling, I told myself.
So I did, but I closed my eyes almost immediately after, making it look like I had casually fallen asleep.
I was shaken furiously not a minute later.
"Wake up!" Eric screamed loudly.
Everyone turned their heads to see me.
The whole group hated when someone fell asleep in the middle of a movie or something, it was just bad.
"Oops!" I said, giggling a bit nervously.
"Sorry."
I let go of Eric's arm and sat back up, distancing my body from his as much as I could.
"Could you please move towards the wall?" Stan asked in a dry tone.
"You are taking a lot of space, making me squeezed by Eric! You have literally a meter of space and you put your whole body on the right!"
Oh, so it was about space.
I glanced to Eric's legs and noticed that they were in diagonal.
His upper body was in that position, too, almost as if he was trying to get away from me.
" Don't blame me, Cartman is the one lying like this! "I said, im my defense, pointing at his irregular pose.
" Well, I have Kyle next to me, I have to get away from that disgusting jew, right?" He said in a joking tone, but I was sure that there was a bit of truth in it.
I got really, really sad, so much that I was about to cry.
Why would Eric be bothered by physical contact with me?
He had always been very physical with me, why was he so reluctant all of a sudden?
Something inside me told me he wasn't comfortable around me.
I kept of looking at him, trying to make a sense of his behaviour, waiting for him to wrap me into a hug and say stuff like "Is my little Kyle ok?" but he didn't.
No matter how hard I would look at him, his eyes wouldn't meet mine.
Meanwhile, the movie kept on playing in the background and the lights from the screen illuminated his face, making it more beautiful and enhanced.
My heart was beating so loud, I was afraid someone could hear it.
Is Eric tired of me? My paranoid brain asked.
Oh but I hope not, because he looks so gorgeous... But, no, Kyle, you can't have him. He's Heidi's.
I didn't know how long I had been staring at him before he loudly yelled at me to stop looking at him and to focus on the movie.
I felt all the attention on me, pairs of eyes burning my skin causing it to blister.
I was terrified at that point. Why did he have to scream it out loud, it was beyond me.
How could he go from literally spanking me in front of everyone to telling me to stop looking at him?
And loud enough for everyone, especially his girlfriend, to hear.
It was obvious in that moment, he had basically outed me.