Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.

Warnings: For an influx of emotions, because we're back with Jim on the ship and things have most definitely changed. Expect confusion probably, and surprises, and realizations, also an introduction of a new minor character who had showed up only briefly in EtS : )

May have language as well. I can't remember…but there's chaos so I'm sure it's there.

AN: Sorry to all for the end of Chapter Two and for the confusion with Chapter Three part one. There won't really be more on that till chapter four but there are some major new developments in the rest of Chapter Three. Get ready for some changes...and some fixes perhaps in a certain status for a certain blond haired, blue-eyed ex-captain of ours. *wink*wink* Chapter Three should be full of stuff.

Please enjoy. :D

XXXXXXXX

The One I've Loved

Chapter Three (Part Two):

Static and noise.

Jim could comprehend that much was going on around him. Turmoil seemed to be the best definition of what was happening up on the bridge. No one could understand what had just happened. How suddenly so much could just go wrong.

Whatever had happened, it left everything wiped out. All that remained of the Element were scraps of metal stuck floating in space.

There was no enemy. They weren't even sure if there had been an enemy beforehand. Alleged attacks and a battered space station supplied evidence to back this up, but there were no further communications when they had arrived, and prior it was choppy at best. There was no way to be sure what was going on, or why this had happened.

The Enterprise was prepped for potential attack, but they were trying in vain to continue on after such a shock; after such a direct blow.

Many were stuck stock still. Many were struggling with basic mechanics let alone full out reacting, but no more so than Jim.

He sat slumped on the floor staring hollowly out at the place of the station. Out towards what had once been a solid structure. He was completely at a loss. What was one supposed to do during this sort of situation? Could they do anything about this? How were any of them meant to handle this situation?

It was like a cold press of reality digging into the hearts of those of the alpha crew…to Jim.

He couldn't move, couldn't blink, as he tried to unsee what was before him.

He barely registered as another presence came up beside him once more.

"Jim…Jim let's head back down to sickbay. Let's get you checked out."

"No…"

The protest wasn't meek or sobbed. It was simple and straightforward. It was a refusal.

"You're in shock Jim…right now would be the best time to move. Let's not be here when everything catches up with you."

"When? God Bones…it's not a matter of when it's a matter of degree. I-I…I can't lose him. I can't. Tell me that I didn't just see that? Please…just tell me something else happened. That we beamed them back before that happened. That this is all…all just some truly cruel and disturbing joke, because I can't lose him!"

Jim shook as he tried to collect whatever means of control he had left, as he tried to calculate what just happened. "He…he was right there and…I didn't even say goodbye this morning…." Jim's trembling fingers covered his mouth as if to mask the words that had fallen, as if his own ears did not wish to hear this.

"You!"

Almost immediately Jim's persona did an 180˚as he glared at Pike. He pushed up on shaky limbs, "I-I told you to beam them back! They should never have been there!" He staggered forward towards the Admiral, "You took him from me! You took him from me!"

"Jim!"

"Jim!"

"Dammit no!"

"Keptin!"

Chekov jumped between the pair slamming into Jim, and surprising everyone on the bridge. Surprising all who had lunged to stop Jim from attacking Pike. The young navigator simply wrapped his arms around the captain in a fierce hug, "Zhis vill not bring him back…I am so wery sorry…so wery-wery sorry."

"He's all I had left." Jim crumpled to the ground shaking in the navigator's arms as all the rage washed away.

Everyone stilled.

Here and now it was so obvious to fully see what type of hit the Enterprise had suffered.

Spock was gone. Hell everyone who had been on the Element was gone. Yet now the Enterprise was left to just stare at the wake.

Jim who had made such extreme progress over the four months awake, over this last month on board the Enterprise, would probably regress if not worsen after such a blow. Losing both commanding officers (because nothing would keep Jim now) would leave those remaining on the Enterprise in shambles. Everyone would struggle to pick themselves up, but for those on the alpha crew…for those who had survived the last two years just barely holding on. There was only so many times you could fix something that was broken before the pieces were just not fixable anymore. Just not worth fixing anymore.

McCoy walked over to crouch down by the pair. Both with tears in their eyes at the loss, but one also at the mourning for the one in his arms. "Come'on Jimmy." Bones whispered as gently as he could moving to slide Jim's arm over his shoulder. He barely got one arm slung over before realizing that Sulu had joined them on the floor and had taken up Jim's other arm.

McCoy barely managed a thankful smile before the pair of them hoisted Jim up and basically dragged him from the bridge.

The Enterprise had been shaken by the explosion, but the witnessing crew seemed to struggle even more so with picking themselves up from this one.

XXXXXXXX

Fine white-grained sand.

Everywhere it expanded out from him, sinking with each foot step taken. The sand covered everything; stretching beyond the horizon and onward. It was infinite and the dunes billowed like waves in the desert-scape. There was no ending to this place. There was no glimpse or shimmer of anything except sand; leaving Jim to walk alone in the infinite space. It left him with no options in sight that could aide in his choice. There were no options to pull him along a certain path.

Though, it wouldn't matter which path he took because it always led him back to where he started. He could walk for miles only to find his footsteps again, and realize he had only managed to walk in circles.

As always he would sink down, exhausted and alone.

Only then would the footfalls near and the crunch of sand lift him up from his slumped position.

You are not alone. Never alone.

There was no slow and graceful sigh. There was no prolonged turn to meet the other, because this was what he had hoped for. This was preferred to rather then the undesirable pain reality brought with it.

It didn't matter if the events always played out differently; they had been almost always consistent until that last version.

Spock!

Jim's cry was met with a breath of relief. He allowed his feet to carry him up and forward. He allowed his mind to throw him into the embrace of the other.

Thought you were gone.

…

I had promised never to leave you, James.

Jim smiled at the words and lifted his gaze seeking out the others. He sighed as he took in the sight before him. Allowed himself to fully look at the other and welcome his presence. However, Jim's fingers rose up to stroke at the skin beneath those eyes and along the Vulcan's cheek. He was met with the feel of nothing.

Only now could he truly understand Spock's request to be with Jim again, back when Jim had been trapped in his own mind, back when Jim wished to remain. Spock knew that there were costs, and only now did Jim truly feel the loss and desire to be with the other fully and not just in mind. Though even then…having the vibrant presence of the other was far greater than this. Would be welcomed over this mirage.

I don't want to wake up without you there.

Realization that this was nothing more than a compilation within his mind was a heavy blow, and yet he clung desperately to the remains. To the image of the other still burned deep in his mind, as if pulling away now would only allow alterations to take place.

Nothing could fully represent the one he loved, even now this could only be as close as Jim's mind could recall. He knew the difference of Spock's true presence in his mind; the serenity that resonated throughout. It was like a peaceful and comforting breeze on a hot day. It was perfect…and it was absent.

All he had left was what his own mind could conjure up. Nightmares or dreams continued to feature the one he loved, altering the scenario only briefly each time. Now when he desired to see Spock most his mind supplied him with exactly what he wished to see.

Give it months and features will begin to grow fuzzy. Give it years and things will be only glimmers of what was once a whole. He couldn't survive years without the other.

I don't want you to go.

…

I will never leave you, my Jim.

Jim's figure trembled with the words and chuckled weakly at the surreal alterations that had so drastically shifted his world around. He truly could never be given anything beyond suffering. Was this what everything would always amount to?

You should have just allowed us to remain together in my mind; together where nothing could truly pull us apart or harm us.

…

Sometimes suffering is necessary to realize the things that matter most. To allow your eyes to open and to appreciate what still remains.

…

Haven't I already suffered enough? You were the reason I fought to survive Spock. It's worth nothing if you are not there.

…

Jim you surviving will never be a mistake.

…

It doesn't feel like that. Not when I can't protect the ones that matter. Not when the cost is you. I can't—I can't continue this without you. There's no hope. I can't even go in search for you. You're just gone.

You're just gone.

…

Open your eyes, T'hy'la.

…

No.

…

Open your eyes, Jim.

…

I don't want to lose you again.

…

Jim.

XXXXXXXX

"Jim's here?"

The voice was like a familiar prick at the back of Jim's mind, like he knew it but was struggling to put a face to the out of sight speaker.

Blue eyes had opened to find himself in his personal section of sickbay.

How often now had he found himself waking here? Over that last year, even though he wasn't truly present, he had been there and had woken each change in this very room. Each time waking to find Spock hovering in wait, alongside Bones, waiting for what to expect for what had happened in the time before Jim opened his eyes again.

But no matter how the blue searched they would not find auburn eyes lying in wait. Spock was gone.

"Not today Aiden…go see if chapel needs help."

Bones' voice was closer than the other's. The pair must've been just standing at the doors because usually sound didn't resonate within the closed off room.

Aiden.

That name was vaguely familiar, but from where Jim was unsure. Truly it wasn't something he lingered on; his mind wanted nothing more than to go blank. He wanted to fall into absence and soak up ignorance so that he could forget the pain that came with waking.

He didn't know what to do. Standing up, moving about, would only be a step forward and further away from the past.

Had he really not even looked at Spock this morning?

He barely could recall the light kiss they shared. The feel was a faint and quickly vanishing memory.

"You said he came to sickbay all the time and I'd get to see him when he visited next!" There was that voice again. "I mean…I understand after what happened he needed time so we never got to see him. I doubt any of the younger kids really even remember much about him beside that he was always a resonating presence and a strength to keep us older kids surviving. I just wanted to thank him, he made me feel strong…he was the reason I was able to keep going, to fight not for myself but for the other kids."

Kids.

Green eyes.

"It'll be your mission, alright Aiden keep them safe. Watch after all of them. It might not seem like it now but you're strong enough. I can see it in your eyes, you can do this. Keep everyone together and know that I'll get you out of here. There are others coming. You'll know them when they arrive; they'll be in red shirts and another will be in blue. Help is coming, we'll get you home, but for now the other kids need someone to be strong so that they can be. You have to be strong for them.

What if I can't be strong, what if I'm tired and can't be that for them?

You have to be strong even when everything looks bleak. You'll know it when it happens, when you see everyone else struggling to cope, and feeling the same thoughts to your own. Perhaps yours are worse but you see all the suffering and you'll know. Rising up and putting on a strong face, carrying the burden is a big task, but everyone will survive thanks to you. You'll be the reason that they'll carry on after this is all over, after this is just a past nightmare.

What if I'm scared?

Everyone gets scared, being scared helps make you stronger. Let's you understand limitations and strengths.

Why me?

Because you're already the only one in here who still has hope. Maybe it's not hope in being rescued but in surviving. You're already so very strong.

What if I fail?

You won't."

He was the boy from the Romulan ship.

Memories of short visits flittered through Jim's mind and a darkly shadowed image of a young green-eyed boy flashed through his thoughts. He hadn't even heard much about any of the surviving kids past that they had all been saved from the ships.

Yet, here and now one of them seemed to still be present on board his ship.

"Now's not a good time kid. Go help Christine."

"Everyone keeps saying to give him space and time. That whatever he faced on that ship was worse than anyone could imagine, but Doctor McCoy…whenever he came to visit, the man I saw always seemed like he could face the end of the world and still turn and smile so that others remembered how to. I think he's stronger than you all keep saying, but your smothering that strength away."

Aiden's words were sharp as they resonated within the room and alongside the memories Jim was recalling. Was that what happened?

Did Jim just forget how to be himself? After waking up had he collapsed so far that he couldn't recall how to just be himself again?

He had been walking circles this whole time trying to step back into old footsteps and yet it only accomplished keeping him stuck wandering the same path in search of himself. Spock had always been in his mind trying to pull him off this path, but he always woke before he accomplished this.

Jim never had a set path; he had always stepped forward without fear of altering his path. He always carved his own place in the world, had always stepped forward so that others would be able to later. He stepped forward to show that they could. Yet, here he was lying flat not wanting to take any steps at all.

In fact he wanted to retract his steps completely.

That wasn't Jim Kirk. He wouldn't walk old steps, because he was an explorer and a doer. He needed to move and the only direction was always forward. Lingering in the past brought pain and suffering and allowed him to sink in sorrows instead of come to term with them and use them to make him stronger.

James T. Kirk picked himself up, not because he wanted to but because he always needed to.

The world was capable of being cold, dark, and all-consuming if you let it. There were those who needed to be able to rise up when all looked dim because otherwise everyone else would collapse. There were those who had to stay strong even under the worst of situations. Jim had been that person.

Yet, now Jim had allowed himself to fall and be carried away, but in doing so he left his family and those he cared about to struggle on their own.

He wouldn't let this drown the ones he loved; the ones still remaining. He couldn't be the final break to destroy everything precious in his life. Not when he had always been the support keeping them together. Not after all he had forced them to suffer during these last two years.

Jim wouldn't break apart what was good still. He knew that the steps would cost him, and would leave him feeling hollow with the loss. He wouldn't be the same, but he never let change stop him before. He would never feel whole again but what remained of him was more than enough to keep going. It was more than enough to keep fighting.

James T. Kirk didn't stop after the world ended, not after all the suffering he had already experienced. He knew suffering like a constant companion, but it was never something that broke him down. It was always something to make him stronger; to drive him to be greater.

He could survive. He would have to survive until what remained was gone and there was no more fight left. He needed to survive so everyone else could. So that everyone else could carry on.

...you surviving will never be a mistake...

"You just have to look past what's in front of you, because what's beneath is what shows you how strong someone can be." Aiden's words were followed with a sigh of acceptance because no one was as stubborn as Doctor McCoy and if he said no than there wasn't anything that would change his mind. "It's what Jim told me to keep fighting. Look past what you want to see and you'll realize the answers been there the whole time."

Look past what's right in front of you.

Look past what is obvious.

These words triggered something. Something Jim hadn't even been aware that he caught until just now.

How had he missed this? How could he just allow himself to be led away with such a drastic unknown lingering in the air. If anything...this itself was reason enough to take that next step. To kick start the drive to fight again. To pull the Kirk factor back out of where it had been lying in wait.

XXXXXXXX

"Sounds like a wise old man, and honestly that sounds nothing like me."

Jim's presence was like ice water shocking the pair as he moved up alongside Bones. He leaned heavily against the opposite doorframe and gazed at the two.

McCoy's face was one of disbelief and a mix of emotions that Jim didn't want to pull apart and evaluate at the present time. Aiden's face was as open as it had been back on the Romulan ship. It was obvious to see his true self if you knew where to look.

"Why are you on the Enterprise, Aiden? I had assumed you would be amongst the others shipping off and back home?"

"I wanted to see you." Aiden's smile at the sight of Jim didn't falter at Jim's words, because he knew they went past face value.

"You shouldn't feel compelled to board a ship again because of me, kid. It wasn't me who kept everyone safe and strong you did that on your own."

Jim blatantly ignored McCoy's concerned glances as Jim looked Aiden over. "You old enough to be here?"

"Turned seventeen three months ago, I'm pretty good at classes and with numbers sir, but I had been looking into medicine while out in space. It was just a hobby, but ever since the…our time on the ship I want to help. I know there are many wounds that can't be healed but no one should have to suffer. Heal the ones I can and let time do the rest. I heard the Enterprise was the best ship to be on."

"Smart kid. Good idea, with the flattery."

"Persistent pain in the ass too. Reminds me of another smart kid I bumped into years ago." McCoy grumbled his words pulling Jim's eyes up to finally meet with the others.

"Can't just sit around and do nothing." Jim breathed out. There was hurt still heavy in his voice and eyes, but there was also an old stubbornness brimming up. "I need to head back up to the bridge, I've suddenly been hit with reality, and a certain conversation opened my eyes to something I've forgotten a while ago. Also it's beyond that, there was something I couldn't see moments ago. Something that I never should have missed."

"Jim."

"I have to take captaincy back, Bones."

"Now hold on just a second."

"The Element wasn't attacked."

AN: Good? Definitely different. I hope that sounded alright please let me know I'd really appreciate it. Otherwise expect the rest of chapter three in the span of the weekend. Not going to be home rest of today so can't finish it up tonight. : /

Anyway yay! Jim back towards Captaincy. There may be mutiny in the next post, and some serious arguing on the bridge. With some more Jim-like amazingness as he goes about being awesome and captaining-y : )