RUKIA
I fled through the Senkaimon. I couldn't face them after what had happened. I felt absolutely filthy!
My zanpakuto shook in my hand and frosted over slightly. I felt guilty about what I was about to do. When I died, so would my zanpakuto. Until someone else is worthy of it again. If I ever was. The mere though stabbed through my heart. I had almost arrived on the outskirts of district eighty.
My breath came in shuddering gasps as I finally came to the clearing where Byakuya had shown me his animal form. It occurred to me that he might think of this place as well so I moved further, into the hollow territory.
The cries of the hollows sent chills down my spine but I kept moving forward until I was right in the middle of the hollows nest. I decided that preparing myself was pointless since I would die a horrific heath anyway. I released my spiritual pressure all around me to lure in any hungry hollows that were willing to take their chances. I knelt on the ground and hung my head over the hilt of my zanpakuto.
Hollows surrounded me, cautiously drawing closer and closer. I didn't move. I embraced the face that I was about to die. I thanked everyone who had helped me get where I am today from the bottom of my heart in my prayers. Eventually one hollow shot forward. I stared it in the eyes but I didn't try to defend myself. I dropped my sword when its mouth covered my neck. I closed my eyes and hoped it would be other soon. Then I felt the wind shoot past my shoulder. It hit the hollow square in the face and it killed it. Only it wasn't actually wind, but a blast of pink blades. I grit my teeth, I picked up my sword and ran in closer to the hollows but the petals followed me.
My eyes teared up in frustration. As soon as I saw another blast coming for a hollow in front of me I stepped in the way, hoping the blades would kill me as well, but before they could do more than tear a few places in my yukata it stopped and my eyes involuntarily landed on Byakuya whose eyes were widened in horror. I felt the hollow behind me approach quickly to take a bite out of me but before it could a bolt of lightning turned it to dust. I took advantage of the distraction and flash stepped even further into the hollows nest. And then I hid. I tried to conceal my spiritual press as best I could. It would lure any hollows, but if a hollow found me, I could die without Byakuya finding me.
I closed my eyes and tears rolled down my cheeks. Didn't he understand that this was my decision? Everyone I trusted was gone already and I only served as a painful reminder to him. If I died it would be alright. Though deep down I felt immensely guilty. I remembered how he broke apart when I left home for not even an hour. He would get over me though. He was at least that strong, and after watching my memories hopefully he will get over my sister. My mother, and find someone else to love, who will love him in return. If only for his sake, I wish I never met him. I wiped tears from my eyes with my sleeve and silently sniffed. I hid my face on my arms that hugged my knees to my chest.
"Rukia." He said and I gasped as I looked up. I stared at him and tears started forming in my eyes again.
"Please, go away." I said and sniffed into my sleeve. I trembled when he came closer to me and I clenched my toes, if only to draw into myself a little more. I was positively shaking when her knelt down next to me.
"Please leave me alone." I whispered and pressed my face down harder on top of my arms.
"Rukia, its alright. Its all in the past. I could have gone without knowing all of that, but knowing doesn't change our relationship with one another does it? Wouldn't you just be letting her win if you got yourself hurt?" He tried to reason with me. He wasn't wrong.
"Even still. I want to die." I said and clenched my fingers around my arms. He was silent for a while until he sat down and pulled me into his lap. He locked his legs over my feet and his arms around my knees.
"Then we will die together." He told me and I shivered violently. I tried to push him off me at first but his grip was too strong for me to remove his arms from around myself. I tried to pry his arms off of me but he held on tight.
"Let go of me. Now." I demanded. And twisted my neck to look him in the eyes.
"No. Not unless we are going how to talk this through." He said calmly.
"Can't you see that I don't want to be near you?! Let me go or else!" I demanded. And thrashed around in his arms trying to get free. I must have hurt him somewhere because he flinched, allowing me to free one of my legs and step out of the barrier he had created. I froze his legs to the ground and took off running. It wasn't long until he flashed in front of me blocking my path forward.
"Do you like watching me cry? Please just leave me alone! Forget I ever existed!" I yelled and froze his feet to the ground before running off again. All the adrenalin caught up with me and triggered my gag reflex. I fell to the ground coughing and heaving. I couldn't breathe properly because I had winded myself from running away.
A hand stoked my back soothing me. I froze the vomit on the ground so that he wouldn't see it, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and tried to shrug off his hands, however when I had recovered some he tightened his grip around my shoulders. I quickly froze his feet again and ripped away from him. I watched him cut the ice with his zanpakuto. His feet were bright red and cut in some places. I looked at his face to see he wasn't even angry with me, and that just made me feel worse. I drew my zanpakuto from its sheath and he widened his eyes. I let my energy run wild and released my bankai.
"I will die one way or another. You don't have to watch. Please just go away. You don't understand how I feel and you don't know how terrible and dirty I feel either. My life is my own, I can do what I like with it." I said and released my power in a rush that made a loud sickening crack through my arm. I grimaced.
"Rukia. Please. I will do anything you ask of me if you just stop this. I thought we were becoming friends? You can talk to me. Please? Give me a chance?" He begged when I shattered apart of my leg. He winced and flashed over to me trying to hold me together.
"You haven't done anything wrong. You will just be happier without me and any reminders of Hisana in your life. That's what I am doing for you. because I can't undo the hurt she caused you. I'm going to shatter myself because I care about your future happiness." I told him and completely shattered my left arm off of my body.
"No!" He cried and tried to catch it but by the time it hit the ground it had shattered into pieces.
"How dare you tell me you care for me! You are hurting me more than Hisana ever did! I will never forgive you if you leave me!" He yelled at me and my legs cracked and crumbled. I fell to the floor in a sickening crack. Then a fracture of my neck broke off and he was desperately trying to cover it with his hands.
"Please. Oh please." He said and bowed over me.
"Please go home now Byakuya. Once I release my spiritual pressure completely I will either shatter completely or bleed out until I die." I told him. "I don't want you to see my body torn to pieces." I said as an afterthought. He tried desperately to heal my neck for me.
"Please. If you do truly care about me, don't make me watch someone I love die in front of me again. My parents, my grandfather, my wife and now…please. I know you can heal yourself with your ice abilities, please stay with me?" He begged and pressed his forehead to mine. Frozen droplets fell from my eyes.
"I'm sorry. I don't think I can heal that much. Please leave. I don't watch you to watch me die." I said and he moved around trying to find pieces of my body and place them correctly as they should be, however my left arm and the bottom of my legs were completely turned to snow.
"Please try. Just try to heal yourself. Whatever you can't heal I will heal for you." He told me. My vision became cloudy.
"I don't understand. Didn't you see my memories? Don't you feel betrayed? Don't you hate me?" I asked him and tears cascaded down my temples.
"I could never hate you, I don't think I could live without you either so start healing." He reprimanded me. I snorted softly and closed my eyes. I formed a concentrated block of ice around all of the pieces of my body that shattered or broke off. I drew the ice particles with my essence I them towards my body and started sculpturing them back into place in my mind. I had to take a few breaks between healing but eventually all of my spiritual pressure was once again in one form.
My energy ran out and my bankai disappeared. I was waiting for the pain what I couldn't feel anything. No pain and nothing below my neck.
"Did I do it?" I asked him with barely opened eyes. He was looking over my body carefully. The feeling started returning to my body. He counted my fingers and toes to make sure everything was there. I snorted and twitched my foot in his grasp when he stroked the sole of my foot. He looked at me strangely before trying to rub it again and I pulled my leg out of his range and panted from the exertion.
"Its incredible rude to tickle a girl who can hardly move. Especially in a den full of hollows." I joked and his lips twitched.
"Is everything there?" I asked and he nodded.
"Yes, your healing ability is remarkable. Now since you can't move, I will carry you and please for the love of god stop freezing me!" He hissed out. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks as I stuttered out apologies.
"Are you angry with me?" I asked him and he frowned.
"I am upset for many reasons. I am angry with you for trying to leave me again. What you did by trying to get yourself killed was unforgiveable." He said and I shivered at the cold anger in his voice. I bowed my head down so that I wouldn't have to look at his angry eyes. I yawned into his shoulder since I was too tired to lift my sore arms.
"Doesn't seeing me hurt you?" I asked him and he sighed.
"No, not in the slightest. You are not her. And you are nothing like her." He told me.
"Can't we just find a safe spot to rest until we are both well enough to head home together I asked him and he stopped walking.
"I would have agreed if I believed any place here being remotely safe." He told me. I poked his cheek softly and he looked at me, it wasn't quiet a glare but he was irritated. And poking him was a bit much.
"I know safe places in Hanging Dog. How far are we?" I asked him and he hummed.
"Not more than ten minutes away I believe, though flash stepping does make it hard to tell distances accurately." He said contemplatively. We walked in companionable silence, or at least he did. Carrying me on must have been harder on him than he made it look. I cringed. And he looked at me.
"What's the matter?" He asked and I quickly looked down.
"Nothing." I said and tried to think light like a feather. He frowned at me.
"Tell me anyway." He asked and I looked up a little bit.
"Well. I know you are strong but, aren't I too heavy? And your feet have to be killing you." I told him and my cheeks flamed. He smiled kindly.
"You aren't heavy, but my feet are sore. I would rather deal with this slight discomfort than live in a world without you in it for even a second." He told me and I couldn't help but smile at him.
"You know, you look younger without the kenseikan." I told him and admired him for a moment before looking away.
"That it another reason why I wear them. I want to look older and more sophisticated. It I out rank and out class those around me, I should look good while doing it." He told me in a rare show of cockiness.
"We are in Hanging Dog now, where are the places you spoke of?" He asked me and I described a ghost village on the outskirts of the district that most people were afraid of because they thought it was haunted. It really was funny when you thought about it, after all we were souls ourselves and even when we die we are sent to limbo for a however long it takes for us to move on.
We entered a specific shack that I directed us towards, once Byakuya put me down I limped to a spot on the ground and stomped my foot down on it. The dirt shirted revealing a covered plank of wood.
"Wow, it really looks untouched from when Renji and I left it. We used you hide out in the secret basement of this shack when we were younger. It was safer because it was out of sight of the adults the would have hurt us, and over time people steered clear of this place because they thought it was haunted. I told him and he scoffed lightly as if the mere thought was absurd.
I carefully climbed down into it and looked around. Surprisingly it was dust free and everything seemed in the condition we left it. I walked over to the grubby straw bed and picked up one of the tiny rabbit shaped toys. Renji has gotten them for me from somewhere. After a few minutes Byakuya climbed down as well, cautiously taking in his surroundings.
"Rukia. We need to talk. Lets just get all of our troubles out, so that when we return home there will be no lingering bitterness between us." He suggested reasonable. I frowned at him. I'm not dead and since he is here, I am probably not going to die any time soon. I didn't even know how to start the topic.
"Alright then, you go first." I suggested and me sighed in defeat. If he didn't start I definitely wouldn't. I sat down and looked at my feet. I felt sick and filthy, being this close to him made me feel guilty and embarrassed. I never wanted to cause him trouble, I just wanted to die quickly and let all Hisana's sins be behind us. I sat quietly on an old crate and waited for him to start.
"I also had my invitation answered by a spirit this night." He said softly and my mind was fuzzy in confusion. Who did he see?
BYAKUYA
I sat across from her on a small round chair. I healed the scratches on my feet first and then proceeded to heal the blood vessels that had been injured. It was easy to say that we needed to talk but I didn't know what to talk about.
"Rukia, I had two of my spirit invitations answered this night. One from my grandfather and the other from Abarai." I told her and she gasped softly but refused to meet my eyes.
"I was transported to Hanging Dog for the venue of the dream. I thought that finally Hisana had answered my call. I searched high and low, through all of our meeting places, in the rice fiends and the brush. I thought that perhaps she was hiding from me as it was when we used to play games, long before I brought her into my house. Eventually I decided that I couldn't search everywhere by myself and I ran up the hill overlooking the district, and that was where I found him. I won't lie, I was incredibly hurt and incredible angry. I shouldn't have let myself believe that I would ever see her again." He said and gave her a moment to understand what I was saying. She covered her mouth with her hand in sorrow. I too felt foolish for chasing the non-existent ghost of the woman I loved, but obviously didn't love me. Rukia looked like she felt guilty for some reason.
"Still, Abarai accepted my call instead of yours because he believed that you were going to be okay. He said that you were a mess after the three friends on the hill died, and saying a sad goodbye after you already started recovering would only hurt you more. He wanted you to know that he loved you, and that you were his best friend." I told her and her eyes teared up a little bit. She was always such a spitfire that seeing her down like this just made her seem smaller and fragile.
"I guess he was right. Thank you for helping Renji move on. I hope with all my heart that he is surrounded by love in his never life. That he makes good friends, and that he lives out a full life." She said and sniffed softly. I moved forward a bit, I wanted to sit closer to her to try and comfort her, but I didn't know if she would allow me to. I decided to stay where I was. At least for now.
"Yes, me too. Fining a lieutenant of his calibre would be impossible. He was a good man and will never be forgotten." I told her, and her eyes shone with gratitude. I looked away and cleared my throat.
"Grandfather says he is proud of you. You should know that he is watching over us both. He…advised me, as per my request but he couldn't yet move on, he must still have something troubling him." I told her softly and she brightened up.
"Really? Your grandfather likes me?" She asked happily. I smiled at her. Other than myself, grandfather is the only person from the family who truly accepted Rukia.
"Yes, he is very pleased with you and said my decision was correct. He also helped me see that as long as I stand by my beliefs, they cannot be wrong. I will continue leading the family forward, I will listen to all advice offered, but my decisions will be my own. I will not fail if I do not stray." I told her sternly. Finally, I felt like I had a smoother path to walk with many of the obstacles in my path now serving as resources instead. I looked up at her and caught her eye.
"I won't be able to move forward to the best of my ability without you. Stay by my side." I told her gently. She looked saddened. It wasn't a request, but it wasn't entirely a demand either. She had to know that losing her would affect my ability to be decisive heavily.
"I'm telling you I went through hell during those dreams. First emotionally and mentally draining myself on my quest for Hisana, then a test my grandfather that sapped my strength. If sleep was always that exhausting who would ever need sleep?" I joked, but she didn't respond. I thought for a moment, how could I help her open up?
"Rukia. I did see your memory of the dream however, I believe I was too shunned and unstable to pay proper attention to it. I'm not a fool, I know what happened, but would you try to recount the dream for me? From the moment it began?" I asked her and she nodded. I noticed that she started shivering again.
"I can do that. If you want me to. It's just that I don't want you to hate me because of her. I wish none of us ever met, things would be better that way." She told me and I flinched at the implications. I decided to remain silent and wait for her to recount her dream. It true that I saw it but that doesn't mean that I understood her thoughts. How would her dying help me in any way?
"It was very strange. Terrifying. I don't remember ever seeing that place in my life but I had been there when I was an infant. It looked dark and dirty and I tried to walk around to see if I could find a way out of here as quickly as I could and, and I walked into something wet. I thought I just stood in a puddle of water, but when I looked down I saw bright red blood staining through my socks. I got such a fright I screamed and fled, aimlessly trying to find a way out but no matter how long I ran I couldn't find any exits. I stopped running for a while because I was feeling ill. I tried to remain my breath and walked forward. I heard something smash and I quickly hid in an ally. Now that I think of it, it probably wasn't the best course of action, I mean ally's lead to dead end more than half the time." She said thoughtfully but her frame shook. I realised that she was shaking in fear, not cold.
"I tried to walk back into the ally so that I could see if something appeared at the entrance when something grabbed my wrist scaring me half to death!" She said and covered her chest with a hand. I knew how she felt, Yoruichi and I also jumped when it came to that part. She seemed like she couldn't help talking now. At least she could get it all out.
"I knew who she was, or at least I thought I knew who she was. I was too frightened to run away. I didn't think she would hurt me but I just didn't feel safe with her and I didn't even have my zanpakuto for support. Then I heard a baby crying like in those horror movies! I told her my name and she looked upset, she asked if I had married you as well, or someone from the branch family. Would want to marry one of them? They are horrible!" She told me and my lips twitched into a smile.
"I told her that you found me for her, that you adopted me into your family as your sister. I don't know how you stood her touch because it sent shivers of terror down my spine! I knew, I just had a feeling that she hurt me, that I wasn't safe. I knew you would be terribly upset with me for acting as I did but my instinct and previous knowledge of her actions made me cold towards her from the start." She told me as she rubbed her arms as Hisana had done.
"I told her I already knew everything because you told me. I thought she might hurt me for a moment, but she was only bitter about you not keeping your word. She- "Rukia stopped talking and looked at me in fright, as if only noticing me for the first time even though she knew I was listening. I was preparing myself to either be frozen again or sent of a wild goose chase. But she was silent and she looked down.
"Don't worry. Tell me, its alright really." I asked her gently but she shook her head sadly.
"No, its not alright. I know how much you love her, I can't just tell you things that will hurt you! That's why I gave Kisuke my memories in the first place! I couldn't tell you any of these things! I don't want to be the one who hurts you!" She shouted at me and pulled her legs toward herself.
"I will only believe it if you tell it to me yourself. You won't hurt me, trust me. The truth will hurt me, but if I hear it from you it will hurt less. You need to tell someone what happened and if anyone should her it, it is me. Please Rukia, continue?" I asked her gently. She really didn't look like she wanted to continue but after a while of struggling she did.
"She lied to you, Byakuya. About everything regarding herself and me. She wasn't my sister or a peasant, though maybe she wished her story was true. She was my mother! And she murdered me!" She shouted and burst into tears. I got up quietly and sat next to her. I pulled her closer to me gently. I held her because that was the only thing I could do to try and comfort her.
"How could she? She didn't even give me a chance to live! She killed me just before I was going to be born! Her reasons were pathetic! She was so selfish! She may think that killing us saved us but if she really cared about me she should have protected me!" She cried and trembled from her tears. My heart ached. It ached that the person I loved, who I thought I knew had lied to me right from the start. It was easier for me to recover because, yes, I had been fooled and she had hurt me terribly but if I didn't know her at all then she and I may as well be strangers and I wouldn't let someone I didn't even know, hurt me in that way. What hurt me the most was Rukia's anguish. Right from the start, she wasn't meant to be in Hanging Dog, it was her mother that damned her to that terrible district.
"What gave her the right to kill me? And when we were sent here together she didn't even look after me properly! She could have killed me twice and even if she did regret losing me, I don't think she would have truly understood that she was responsible for getting me killed a second time! She didn't even feel remorse for hurting you and other innocent people! I'm the daughter of a person like that, no wonder the world was cruel to me and stole away so many of my loved ones. I'm being punished for her sins!" She wailed and angrily wiped away her tears, I hugged her tighter to me. Indeed, she had, had more misfortune than she deserved. And no one really deserves to have their lives ended, there was no way I could reassure her really.
"Rukia, I don't know how much pain you must be in now, but her sins aren't your own. Think of all the friends you have made over the years, and now you have a home and you are loved. You have come so far in your life, don't let meaningless information from the past hurt your future. As for the world stealing your loved ones, fate can be cruel but it doesn't intend harm on anyone. It simply is as it is." I told her to try and comfort her, but I must have said something wrong because she snapped her head up and glared at me.
"How can you say that? Her actions affected both of our lives and our futures! You found me for her and now you are stuck with me! And I have to live in the shadow of her sins! How can you not see her in me and hate me every time you look at me? How can I not feel shamed and filthy by everything she has put you through? Sure, she didn't care, but I do! I watched you suffer ever since we first met and we both suffered years! And now this makes it even worse! How can either of us live happily? It would have been best if you had just let me die!" She shouted at me.
"I don't see you as anything to do with her, and honestly you don't look that much like her really. I found you because of my promise to a woman who didn't deserve my devotion. But now you are here with me, you are mine, my sister and that has nothing to do with her. I decided that I never really knew her from the start. I was young and naïve. I don't regret finding you because I love you and I want to keep you with me, I'm not doing it for anyone other than myself! I am honestly glad I discovered this unfortunate truth. The pain is terrible but I have learnt from this and I no long need to mourn. I feel free." I told her and pulled her head into the crook of my neck.
"I am free of her Rukia. But I couldn't stand the thought of losing you because you are all I have." I told her honestly. She looked up at me before her eyes filled with tears and she hid it on my chest.
"Damnit. I don't want you to see me cry. But thank you. I feel the same way really. I never thought that we could be close like this. I lost my closest friends and I thought I would never be able to share my pain with another person ever again. I'm not sure if I should be shamed to be crying in front of you or relieved. I don't want people to know how sensitive I really am so I only cried when I was alone or with Renji or Ichigo." She told me and I couldn't help but smile.
"I'm glad. I would feel sad if you didn't trust me enough to cry in front of me without worrying how I might judge you. After all today was the second time I have cried in front of you. They say a man has three faces, the face he shows to his colleagues, the face he shows to his friends and the face he shows to his family. Only you will ever see me cry. And I will only allow myself to shed tears in your presence." I told her and stroked her cheek affectionately.
It was remarkable as she said. We became close friends quickly, and now we really seemed like a family. It was the first time I have a warm, comfortable family atmosphere in my life. I was quickly becoming addicted to this feeling. I loved being loved by another person, being genuinely cared for as a person.
We didn't finish talking about her dream, we both knew how it ended and both preferred to forget about it. It also scared me more than I ever thought it would. Rukia got up and jumped a few times, then she stretched and flexed her muscles.
"I think I am fully recovered now, do you want to stay here a bit longer or should we head home? I can't really sleep in the day but I guess I could check in at the office and do some work. We could both use an early night after everything, don't you think?" She asked me and smiled sweetly.
"Definitely." I fake yawned, making her laugh.
"We can head back now. I insist that you allow me to carry you home. My legs and feet are now fully recovered and I have far more energy than you do, you expended the majority of your own energy fixing you body." I told her before gesturing for her to head up first, she did and I followed. She closed the door and covered it up again, as t was when we found it. She looked at me and shrugged before grinning.
"Old habits die hard." She said and skipped towards me.
"So, how are we going to do this? And what if someone see's us? We are in only our nightwear and we were gone for the entire night. It will look suspicious if we were seen coming home at this time, especially together." She told me and I bit my lip. I felt heat flush my cheeks. She was right. And I couldn't think of an excuse just yet, unless…
"We will go straight to out rooms. If anyone see's us, and they shouldn't, we will tell them that we slept over in the world of the living." I told her with the most stoic face I could muster.
"Oh my god, that is so cute! You are blushing!" She squealed in delight. I bit my cheek in displeasure before I swung her over my shoulder and sped away.
This woman was something else, had she no inhibitions?!