Circular Patterns

Nyota stared at Spock as he got dressed for his shift on the bridge. He did not glance in her direction. She assumed that he was mad at her, but she was not going to cave. Hell, she was mad at him, too. She sighed when their door opened and Sytar and Sanaa entered the room. Now, she would have to try to play pretend that everything was fine. "Good morning, my babies," Nyota said.

Sytar looked from Nyota to Spock, then frowned. Nyota sighed again. Sometimes, (she did not know why, but) she mistook her children for humans. It did not take them long to realize that something was wrong here. "Where is your brother?" She asked, hoping that talking would distract them from picking up her feelings.

"He has exams this morning." Sytar answered.

Nyota climbed out of the bed and threw on some clothes. She had allowed the time to slip away from her for glaring at Spock since they awoke. As of now, Spock still had not addressed her.

The previous day, they were in a session with Dr. Mara, together. Dr. Mara was still having separate sessions with them, but also now, they were involved in couple's therapy, just as the McCoys were. In yesterday's session, Mara had suggested that they engage in a mind meld. She thought that there were some issues that they needed to address, which may not be explicable unless they knew how the other was feeling about that particular subject. Dr. Mara had suggested that they meld to address Christine Chapel. Now, Nyota wanted to cuss Mara out.

During the meld, Nyota had learned that Spock had melded with Christine, to help alleviate her pain – self inflicted pain that she got from having random men galloping in and out of her chambers. Nyota had become so angry that she pushed Spock away from her to break the meld and glared at him. He had taken pity on the nurse, and Nyota felt that she could not blame him for that, but as she told him at that moment, "It was not your place to remedy her. You should have called the doctor, no matter how much she protested." She didn't say the rest, but she was thinking, You just wanted to connect with her.

She did not know at the time of her thought that he was reading her mind and when he responded, "Perhaps I needed to connect with someone and she was available and willing to allow me to do so," Nyota lifted her hand to slap him, but stopped herself, or... he stopped her. She stared at her hand and lowered it to her lap.

They both looked at Mara and Mara began to say, "Nyota, it would be beneficial to your relationship for the two of you to address the issues that you have with Christine. Before I can clear you to return to work on the bridge, you know that I require three meetings between you and Christine, and you have yet to have one." Nyota sighed and shook her head, as though she could care less about this fact. "Nyota, before I allow you and Christine in a meeting together, I need you and Spock to sort out all of your issues on the matter. You can talk it out, if that's the road that you choose, but one way or another, the two of you are going to get everything that you think and feel about Christine's influence in your relationship settled before I ever let you anywhere near her."

Nyota smiled at Mara and said, "Dr. Mara, if I wanted to get to Christine, I have little worry that you would be able to stop me." Nyota knew that she was being a bitch, but the best thing for Dr. Mara and Spock to do at the moment was leave her in peace.

Dr. Mara said, "I am going to confine you to a cell if you do not complete this exercise." Nyota's head snapped back. Mara could confine her to a cell, for her own or another's safety, but Nyota hardly felt that such actions were in order. Mara explained, "You have the propensity to strike your husband when you become angry, and the fact that you did not actually impact with him doesn't detract from the fact that you were about to. I can confine you, just for that. Please, continue the meld."

Nyota frowned and turned towards Spock. He lifted his hands and they went back into the meld.

When Christine had come to Spock's door, it had genuinely scared him. For a moment, he thought of Nyota. He wondered if his beloved wife was having as difficult of a time dealing with her own issues. As Nyota was not allowing him to be near her, he could not know whether or not she was in as troubled a state of mind. It worried him greatly. He intended to send Nurse Chapel off to medical bay and rush to check on Nyota, to make sure that she was not doing so badly. Of course, he knew that Nyota was not allowing men into her chambers to have their way with her. If she had been, he would have had to tear them apart, and Nyota would not do such a thing, anyway. His mind traveled back to the frantic Nurse Chapel. A quick meld would help her for the night, then he would be done with her and insist that she see both Dr. McCoy and Dr. Mara at the soonest possible moment.

Spock sat Christine on a chair, at his table and connected with her. He wished that he had Sybok or Vulrak's abilities in this regard. Neither of them would have to reveal their own pain in order to make this connection and take hers away. But, he allowed the thought to pass quickly and proceeded to merge their thoughts into one. Mentally, he sifted through Nurse Chapel's anguish and compartmentalized the night's events into a state of peace. Tomorrow, she would have issues, but for tonight, she should be fine. The woman passed out. He was transmitting such a state of peace to her brain that she fell to sleep. He estimated that it would be morning before she would awaken.

If he had attempted to bring her back to her room, someone might see them, and no matter how honest he was in expressing what had actually taken place, no one would believe him, and it would be quite difficult for him to face Nyota if people on the ship suspected him of having an affair with Christine. He decided to simply place her in the bed. He did so, then left, to check on Nyota.

Nyota was sound asleep when he entered the room. His voice was speaking through the speakers of her room's announcement system. This caused great comfort within him. So, it had not just been once. This was something that she did regularly. The fact that she used his voice as a means of comfort not only comforted him, but made him proud. At least, although she could not live with him, she still found herself unable to live without him. He watched her sleep for a while, peacefully breathing, and not stirring at all. This was satisfying, but also torture. He wanted to stay. He wanted to gather himself closely to her and hold her and drown in her scent and find solace in her soft skin. It became unbearable to do this to himself.

He left the room and returned to his own chambers, where Christine was occupying his bed. For a moment, only briefly, he thought of just joining her. He scolded himself mentally for the thought. Being Vulcan meant not needing anyone in an emotional sense. Being half human, however... he shook the thought again. He sat down at his table and commenced to play chess with the computer system. He decided at that moment that there was no reasonable way to tell Nyota about this night. She would only become upset with him, and that would only add to the problems that they were currently having.

Now, Nyota's mind began to flurry around over Christine. Nyota had been so proud of the woman for how she was handling herself. There was the glitch at Hawkins' party that night, she thought of it – shared the night with Spock, but after that, Nyota returned to being just as fond of Christine as she had been since the incident. Nyota had felt that they were connected. That they shared a common tragedy which would connect them together for all times. She was the one person aboard this vessel that Nyota actually felt that she had not been detached from when she had experienced the attack at the minds of the Platonians, and now, she was alone again.

Christine was not like her. They were not connected. She betrayed her by trying to reach out to Spock in the way that she had, and now, she felt that Spock had betrayed her too, for connecting with the woman. Perhaps if he had not, she would not have felt the urge to try to get him. Perhaps the reason that she no longer felt connected to Christine, and was now completely alone, was because Spock melded with the damned woman, in the first place.

Nyota sighed as Spock pulled his hands away from her face. She and he both looked at Dr. Mara, and Spock said, "I do not believe that this particular session has been successful, Dr. Mara."

"As long as both of you know each other's feelings, you will be better equipped to deal with each other's feelings. Now, that you both know each other's feelings, let's sort through them and explain them," Mara said.

"Christine's advances were his fault." Nyota said.

"No, Nyota. Christine is responsible for her own choices, and she is willing to admit it and to face you to apologize and to..."

"Damn Christine, Mara. Damn her. She can keep her apology. I really have no use for it. You know, if things were reversed. If Christine was the one who was physically destroyed by her lover and I was the other woman, I know that I would not help her situation by betraying her when she had no one else that she could actually trust." Nyota bit her lip, then clarified, "I felt like Christine and I were connected. A terrible connection, but a real one, and now I don't."

"You have Spock. You don't need anyone else to connect to." Dr. Mara offered.

"Spock connected with Christine!" Nyota snapped.

"Spock assisted Christine. What Spock did with Christine is the equivalent of you sitting down with her and talking to her if she had come to your door. Be honest, Nyota, would you have wanted Spock to just brush her off in the middle of the night after she's suffered from a traumatic episode on top of post traumatic stress?"

"I would have wanted Spock to do the logical thing and take her to the medical ward where professionals would have saw to her well being. Instead, he let his emotions guide his actions." Nyota retorted.

Dr. Mara sighed and looked at Spock. He had not said anything, thus far. Mara asked, "Do you have anything to say, Spock?"

"I made the choice that I believed to be the logical one. At the time, I was the one most qualified to assist Nurse Chapel. Had I attempted to bring her to the medical ward, she may have suffered even more trauma simply in the duration of leaving my quarters and entering sick bay. Others would have seen us, and it would have been misconstrued. I believed that my choice was logical. I cannot appreciate that it is not deemed so." Spock said, glaring briefly at Nyota. She noticed it, but did not call him out on it. She did not have anything else to say to him.

They had gone home. She had dinner with the kids while he remained on the bridge. She went to bed alone. He entered their quarters later, and accidentally woke her getting into the bed, as she had not gotten used to him joining her in the bed again yet. And on today, they awoke, and neither said a word to the other.

When Nyota was directing the children out of the room, Spock finally reached out to her and touched her hand. She looked at him, slightly angry, but it quickly melted away as he transmitted feelings of love into her. She gently took her hand away from his hold and said, "We will see you later." This was her fault. She told herself that Spock was just trying to help someone, and that she should not be mad at him for that... especially since it was her fault that he was even next door to Christine's room in the first place. She had put him out. She had insisted that he not touch her, not connect with her, not read her mind, not do anything that he might need to do to gain his own peace of mind. Why, it was a wonder that Spock was still holding himself together after how horribly she had treated him. This was her fault. She needed to apologize to him and listen to Mara and try to fix this.

The worse part of that was the fact that Christine was able to find out his feelings about their marital struggles. Christine knew how her husband felt about their situations before she even did. But, when she thought about it, she would not have had him put Christine through any more anguish than she had already put herself through. It still stung, and it was embarrassing.

Spock went to the bridge feeling especially off center. Damn Nyota! He started, a bit at the thought. How could he even think that? Well, technically, she was the reason that he had not been able to return to a sense of calm, simultaneously, she was his main source of returning to calm. Life with her made no sense when she was angry. Her anger made no sense. Being back in their quarters, as refreshingly comforting as it was to take her scent in, the sight of her face in the morning, the feel of her limbs wrapped around him at night when she moved about in her sleep... it was also a constant reminder of the fact that it had been completely illogical of him to ever get involved with her.

He regretted the thoughts that he was having about his wife. They were, after all closer than any two human beings could ever be, connected at their minds. That was what was the biggest issue. The fact that their minds were connected made him feel like he was losing his every time she went into these moods. The only advantageous fact about her having had a hysterectomy was the fact that she would no longer be having a woman's cycle, and she had always accredited her mood swings to her woman's cycle. What would she credit them to now? Oh, yes, to him. Everything was his fault, according to her. Each time there was an issue between them, in the beginning, it had been blamed on his inability to display and convey emotions. Each time there was an issue between them later, it had been blamed on his putting logic before his emotions, although he had learned to show his emotions, when with her, only in private. Then, when something terrible happened and she needed him for strength, he tried to, but needed to gather himself, as well. He would claim responsibility for such decisions. But now, it was his intention from the beginning to sort out their attack together, as she had always claimed that they needed to do things. This time around, she rejected her own method, and now, she was rejecting the doctor's attempt to help them by human standards.

There were times when he thought seriously of just releasing her from their bond. To him, she did not seem to wish to be ensnared into the relationship, anyway. Perhaps he could let go of her, but then he would have to go to New Vulcan and complete the kolinahr. There was no way that he could think of that he could manage to let go of her, otherwise. It was those second thoughts that kept him enslaved to his emotions. Logic would tell him that being bonded to her had not been beneficial to him. Logic would tell him that now, he was an accomplished enough Vulcan where he actually could find a Vulcan woman who would wish to bond with him, despite his parentage, and if he acted quickly enough, he could be bonded with a Vulcan woman before his first Pon Farr, which was less than a year away, if he was going to experience it at the same time that Ambassador Spock did in the other time line.

Pon Farr. He had not thought about it while dealing with Nyota's trauma. That subject would need addressing, as well. What if she was not mentally healed by that time? What if the barbarism that accompanied the phase brought back the incident that they were still struggling with, nearly a year afterwards? He stopped walking and took a deep breath. He thought of Nyota's face the first time they ever kissed. He thought of the feeling of her in his arms the first time that he ever held her. He thought of the sensations that flowed through him the first time he ever heard her say "I love you"... He was centered.

He would not try to replace Nyota, no matter what event was taking place. He would be willing to die, for not having her (in that way), rather than preserve himself to live without her. If only she understood how much she meant to him! Spock continued walking, pushing the issues from his mind. He needed to be focused for work. He would have to handle the home issues when he got home.

To Spock, being Vulcan had always meant traveling a straight path, moving forward in a determined and efficient manner, to come to a point. Along the way, issues would arise that would need logic to subside. Being with Nyota meant traveling a circular path. It was not nearly as tranquil as the straight path of Vulcans, and logic rarely was used to handle issues that arose.

This circular path exhausted Spock. He could not fathom how humans could sustain themselves when continuously traveling this type of journey. They seemed to quite enjoy living within the parameters of the difficult struggles of illogic. Life with Nyota was a vicious cycle. One moment, there was peace and the next, pain. One day there was contentment, and the next, chaos. Spock could find no logical reasons to continue on with such unstable conditions, so he adjusted to the concept of dealing with it for an illogical reason. He withstood the cycle because he loved her. He knew that he loved her, and she did too. Perhaps, she simply needed to be reminded.

Christine left the table when she saw Nyota enter the mess hall with the children. Generally, she made sure that she was gone before then, but she had been deeply engaged in a conversation with Lt. Hawkins and had lost the time. Of course, without Chekov in the room, she did not really keep up with the time. Actually, she was in the mess hall much earlier than usual. Generally, she did not arrive until after Nyota and the children entered, but since she left the brig, she had been trying to avoid seeing the woman, at all. Christine had taken to coming into breakfast much earlier, and Hawkins accompanied her, as a nice gesture, although they both decided that anything beyond friendship between the two of them was out of the question.

Nyota glared at Christine upon entering the room and the nurse told her male friend, "She's here. I have to go."

"Or... you could just say hello to her and get it over with." Hawkins suggested.

"Have a good day," Christine said. She walked the long way towards the door to avoid going anywhere near Nyota. She knew that Nyota would not strike her in front of the children, but she could remember exactly how hard that initial punch was, and she did not want to risk the possibility of receiving another one, even if the chances were slim.

Sytar asked for "real breakfast" on that morning, so Nyota let the children have pancakes, veggie sausage and fruit. Sytar wanted to try eggs, but Spock had already stated, years before that their children would not eat any meat, meat products, or anything coming from a breathing creature. Eggs and milk were both on that list. Sometimes, she did wish that she could allow them to try certain things – milkshakes, for one. As a child, she loved milkshakes, and her children would never get to know the wonderful delight of a milkshake. Sure, they had those non dairy shake things, but they were no match for a real milkshake. Fortunately, it was easier for partially Vulcan children to be content with rules than the typical human child. They were perfectly content with their breakfast.

Nyota sat with Sanaa on her lap. Chekov, Scotty, and Sulu entered the mess hall. When they retrieved their food, they joined Nyota and the children. Hawkins joined them, as well. Nyota smiled at him and said, "What happened to your girlfriend?"

"Please, don't do that," Hawkins asked of her. "Christine and I are only friends, and will never be anything but friends. You should talk to her, though. It would mean the world to her if you did."

"Why do you say that?" Chekov asked, then said, "Nurse Chapel is a despicable human being, disguising her disgusting behavior with trauma. Lt. Uhura had a worse experience than she did, and did not become a..."

"Uhura." Hawkins said, interrupting whatever insult that Chekov was about to spill. "I just want you to know, there were days when there were people speaking against you for how you were behaving, when you began flipping out, when you kicked Commander Spock out of your room... You may have handled things in a different way than Chris has, but the point is, people handle things differently. And just like I defended you when people said things about you, I am going to defend Chris."

Nyota said, "I did not say one thing against Christine, Hawk. You are addressing the wrong person. Pavel said something against Christine, and it was tasteless. No one has heard me say anything negative about her since what happened, except for Spock and Dr. Mara. And as I have been the target of criticism about how I handle things, no one will ever hear me say anything against Christine. That is not the way that I handle myself. But, thank you for the advice. Pavel, apologize for what you said about Christine Chapel."

Chekov looked around at the table, slightly confused, slightly embarrassed, and said, "I apologize for my words against Christine Chapel."

"Thanks." Nyota said, then looked at Hawkins and said, "No one else will say anything against her again."

Hawkins sighed and said, "You still need to talk to her."

Nyota said, "No, Hawkins. I don't, and as a matter of fact, I don't even want to talk about talking to her, so Mr. Scott, new subject please."

Scotty immediately said, "I just started doing updates for the computer system of the ship. Styik said that he wanted to join me when I began, but he was still working on his exams when I contacted him."

"Yea..." She began talking. The subject had changed, and as far as she was concerned, did not need to return to where it had been. She stole a few glances in Hawkins' direction, checking to see if he had been affected at all by the dismissal of his subject. He did not seem offended, but he was extremely quiet, and she knew that it was because he was not satisfied.

Sytar was on Spock's back as they walked from the children's keeper's room. Spock sometimes entertained the children, when Nyota and he were not doing so well. It actually helped him to feel better, knowing that at least the children were happy. "Put me down, Father. Do Sanaa, now." Spock listened.

He placed Sytar on the floor and hoisted Sanaa onto his back to carry her around on his neck, but after a few moments, he set her down and informed Sytar, "Your sister does not appreciate the same forms of entertainment as you."

"Do Mother, now." Sytar cheered.

Spock and Nyota looked at each other for a moment, then she laughed and said, "Hey, why not? It'll entertain him." She said.

"It would be highly inappropriate," Spock said.

Nyota looked at the children, at their faces of excited anticipation, with a mischievous smile on her face, then jumped onto Spock's back and wrapped her arms around him. Both of the children, yes, Sanaa, as well as Sytar, laughed loudly. Spock carried Nyota down the hallway on his back and the children followed, laughing.

Several crew members passed them along the way, looking at them. Some of them laughed, some stared in complete shock that Commander Spock was actually engaging in such an action. When they were about to cross paths with Kirk and Dr. Mara, Spock froze and Nyota slid off of his back. The couple looked at each other, then at Kirk and Mara. Spock remained as stoic as ever, while Nyota clearly tried to catch her breath and straighten her demeanor up, on the spot. Kirk smiled at them, pressing Mara forward with his hand on the small of her back and said to them, "As you were, Mr. Spock, Uhura." Mara simply smiled brightly at them.

When Kirk and Mara disappeared around a corner, Spock said, "That exchange was most uncomfortable."

"The ride was fun, though." Nyota said. Spock looked at her and she kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for indulging us."

Sytar laughed, then cheered, "Race you!" He took off running.

Spock said, "Sytar, no." The boy stopped running. When Nyota looked at Spock, he responded, "I believe that I have indulged him quite enough for the rest of the night."

Once the children were settled in their room for the night, Nyota and Spock also retired to their room. Nyota said, "I want to apologize for how I have been being about this melding with Christine thing. I am being rather immature about everything, and I am sorry."

"I am sorry that I made the wrong decision in that regard," He offered.

"No, you didn't. You did the right thing. You did what a friend would do. I don't want you to be a bad friend on account of my reactions. I mean, I know that I am only human, but you know, eventually, the logic sinks in."

"Generally." He stated.

"And I really did enjoy the ride," she said.

Before she had a chance to move again or to say anything else, Spock grabbed her and hoisted her unto his back. She squealed, a short yelp, then began laughing. As he carried her around the room, she leaned in and whispered in his ear, "I can't stay mad at you." Then, she kissed him on the side of the face. Spock felt proud of himself. He had acted upon impulse, and earned himself a small token of affection, which in his opinion, was significantly greater than no tokens of affection.

"Nyota..." He placed her down on the floor and turned to face her. "Do you believe that it may be possible if we slept in each other's arms tonight?" She tilted her head, for a moment, then nodded. Spock took her hand and led her to the bed.

"Are you sleepy, Spock?" She asked.

"No, but I am suddenly quite adamant about going to bed," he answered. He set himself up on the pillows and she climbed onto him and they wrapped their arms around each other. Spock stroked her hair and she stroked his chest. Peace and contentment... whatever tomorrow had in store, tonight would be worth it, as far as he was concerned.