Still Here – Chapter 10

Something was wrong, out of place, as Beckett stood over the body taking notes as Lanie finished up her examination. She paused, lifting her pen off her notepad and narrowed her eyes, using all the senses at her disposal to find out what it was that was nagging her in the back of her mind. Within moments it hit her in a sudden burst of realization.

Cocking her head over her shoulder, she looked back at Castle. He was just standing there, quietly watching them finish their examinations. It was odd, if not a little unnerving, really. Beckett had grown so used to him jabbering away about useless nonsense, or jumping up and down like a five-year-old on a sugar rush. Richard Castle was never this stoically silent at a crime scene.

His gaze drifted over her for a moment before returning to the crime scene. He looked almost lost in his own thoughts, like he was plotting his next novel. Knitting her eyebrows together, Beckett bit the inside of her cheek and turned back to finish her notes, hoping that that was the case, and that her early sharp retort hadn't made him all dark and brooding.

The next time she turned around he was gone, and for a split second she almost panicked that he had walked away, hailed a cab, and simply left without telling her, but then she saw him dashing across the street where there was located one of New York's many coffee shops. Sighing in relief, suspecting he was just doing his normal coffee pick up—except she'd be having a tea, since she'd forced herself to give up coffee until the twins were born, something that she had been struggling with almost daily. God, she was such a coffee addict.

On the way back to the precinct, Beckett scarfed down the bear claw that Castle had bought her. He sat quietly in the passenger seat holding her tea and slowly sipping his latte. She tried to ignore the awkward silence that had descended upon them. Beckett was used to the banter and the theorizing. Normally this now bizarrely quiet time would be filled with Castle's wild hypothesizing over the nature of the both the victim and the perp.

Beckett finished the pastry in record time, making her feel kind of sick to her stomach. Clenching her jaw, she lowered her brow and grimaced, finding a spot to pull over. Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath to try and stifle the feeling in her stomach.

"You okay?" his voice came a minute or two after, almost like it was an afterthought and nothing more. And that hurt more than his silence had.

Heaving in a deep breath as the nausea faded away, Beckett sighed and gave a gruff nod of her head. "I'm fine," she replied, and put the car back into gear before merging back into traffic.

XXX

The bullpen was quiet, only the sounds of Karpowski typing away at her keyboard intruded on Beckett's thoughts as she leaned back against her desk, folding her arms as she stared out at the murder board they had just finished not too long ago.

As soon as she'd gotten the printout of their victim, a Mr. Vance Chance—yeah, that was his name… she'd expected some snickering remark from Castle, but he was oddly quiet on the matter, still holding that stoic look he had when they had been at the crime scene—and placed it on the board, her shadow had disappeared, vanished without so much as a kiss on the cheek or a word of goodbye, see you later. Granted, she had very early banned PDAs, but still, she had expected something other than nothing at all, which was what she had gotten.

Beckett had no idea where Castle had gone off to, and frankly, she was a little nervous that she had somehow upset him. She was worried that her bluntly open chastising of him at the crime scene had scared him off for the day. There was no reason why it should; she'd admonished him like that on numerous occasions before they had started even officially dating. And they had made a promise to one another that they would not let their personal life interfere with their professional relationship.

Frowning, and knitting her eyebrows together, Beckett tried to shrug off the feeling of guilt at having snapped at him at the crime scene, and focused on the case at hand. She would just have to worry about Castle later. Right now she had a job to do.

Besides being a clown, which in itself was a strange occupation for a 50-year-old, Mr. Chance was also a father of three and a grandfather to five. He was a widower, who, according to his eldest daughter, had started performing as a clown at birthday parties and whatnot three years ago, after his wife had died.

Beckett had not enjoyed telling the family, it was clear that the man had been well loved. The grandchildren were going to be heartbroken, the daughter's husband had said, who looked just as devastated as his wife at the loss of her father. Beckett was determined to give these people some closure, the closure she had yet to get from her own mother's murder. She was not going to tell this family that their beloved patriarch died from a case of random violence.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Beckett shifted on her desk and gazed at the board, willing leads to come. God, this was when she needed Castle the most. When nothing made sense, that was when his wonderful mind would come up with some bizarre insight that could help her with cooking up a theory as to what could have happened and why.

"Hey, girl, you alright?"

Beckett blinked, a little startled at the intrusion into her thoughts. She turned her eyes away from the murder board and gave a soft smile in response to seeing Lanie step over to stand besides her, a manila envelope in her hands.

"Is that the autopsy report?" Beckett asked, eyeing the envelope.

Lanie gave a nod. "Yeah," she ignored Beckett's proffered hand and tossed the manila envelope on the desk. "Now how about you answer my question, Detective?"

She groaned and rolled her head back. "I'm fine, Lanie, just give me the report."

"Fine," Lanie harrumphed, crossing her arms and shaking her head. "Girl, you ain't fine. Something is eating at you, and I can tell." Her friend put a hand on her arm. "You can talk to me… you know that, don't you, Kate?"

Beckett sighed, and cast a cautious glance around the bullpen, making sure that the other detectives were out of earshot. Esposito and Ryan were thankfully out canvassing the neighborhood the victim had been found in, so she did not have to worry about them. Karpowski was still at her desk, and was still focused on whatever case she was currently working on.

"You going to talk, or am I going to have to drag it out of you kicking and screaming?" Lanie questioned.

Sighing again, Beckett turned back to her friend. "Last night…," she began slowly, swallowing as she forced herself to confide in her best friend. Talking about her relationships was never something that came easy to her. "Last night," she repeated, working up the courage to confess, "I… I sort of proposed to Castle."

"You did what?" Lanie gasped, her eyebrows rising in shock.

Beckett flushed, embarrassed. "I proposed," she repeated, softly, glancing around the bullpen again, subconsciously placing a hand on her stomach. Hell, she was nervous, but there was no reason to be this anxious.

"And?"

"And what?" she furrowed her brow, confused.

"Oh, come on, Kate, you can't just stop there," Lanie said, smiling a little. "What happened afterwards?"

"Huh?"

Lanie rolled her eyes. "Don't play dumb with me, girl! Are you and Mr. Writer Boy engaged or not?"

Beckett took a loud breath and tried to suppress the smile that was breaking out across her face. She brought a hand up and smoothed back some of her hair away from her face, her fingers playing with the ends of her long tresses. "Yes, I guess you could say that, we're engaged," she nodded.

Lanie gave a huge smile and looked like she wanted to give Beckett a great big hug, but thankfully she was capable of restraining herself. Beckett was not one for public displays of affection, even if they were warranted. Instead, Lanie gave her arm a tight squeeze with her hand.

"About time, girl," the M.E. said, smiling widely. "I'm just surprised you're the one that popped the question."

"Why?" Beckett asked.

"Nothing," Lanie said with a shrug. "It's just not like you, that's all."

"You mean to be the assertive one in the relationship?" Beckett inquired, narrowing her eyes.

"No, not that, just…," Lanie's voice trailed off as she thought. "Just, you know, actually knowing what you want and grabbing for it, not caring about the consequences. You're usually a bit more cautious and guarded when it comes to that sort of thing."

Beckett threw back her head and laughed, a little bit too loudly. "That sort of thinking is what got me into this mess to begin with," she said. When Lanie furrowed her brow, she clarified, "The not caring about the consequences part."

"Oh, yeah," Lanie nodded, understanding, nudging Beckett with her elbow as she smirked. "That night you got Writer Boy stone drunk and had your wicked way with him."

Beckett blushed brightly and tried to hush Lanie, who, from her point of view, was speaking much too loudly. Glancing over her shoulder, Beckett noticed that Karpowski had looked up from her paperwork and was gazing over at them, frowning in confusion. Turning her back to the other detective, Beckett motion for Lanie to follow. They retreated out of the bullpen and into the break room, giving them some privacy.

"So… back to my original question," Lanie said as Beckett closed the break room door. "You alright?"

Raking her fingers through her hair, Beckett let out a breath and paced before Lanie, frowning. "I think I might have been a bit too snappish with Castle at the crime scene," she confessed.

"Oh?" Lanie smirked. "I thought you were a little easy on him."

She froze mid-step and turned towards her friend. "Really?" Beckett asked, unsure.

"Oh please, girl, don't act all confused and such," Lanie rolled her eyes. "That man has stood at your side through a lot worse than you being snappish at the crime scene."

"Yeah, I guess so, but…," she bit her lower lip, her cheeks turning red. "But those times were not after we'd made love in the shower not more than twenty minutes prior."

Lanie's eyes grew wide, completely floored with this sort of confession coming from Kate Beckett. "Oh my god… you did it in the shower again… like yesterday!"

"Shh!" Beckett hushed Lanie, her eyes darting around as she arched her neck to look through the windows to make sure no one had walked past the break room to overhear the excited M.E.

"Sorry," Lanie smirked. "I mean, damn girl, when you two finally jumped into the sack… I mean… DAMN… you two really do jump into it."

Beckett blushed profusely. "Alright, Lanie, yes… Castle and I have sex now, you got that out of your system?"

"Oh girl, it's going to take me a while until I'm all fangirled out about this," Lanie chuckled, feigning fanning herself.

"Okay, just… um… try and control yourself," Beckett said with a quick nod. "And no mentioning this to Esposito." She grounded her teeth and lowered her brow. "I have enough trouble as it is with tweedle dee and tweedle dum."

Lanie choked back a laugh. "Did you just come up with that, or is that from Castle?"

Beckett frowned. "I… er… damn it, I've been spending too much time with that numbskull!"

"Kate, calm down," Lanie looked slightly bemused. "It's alright… It's good for you."

Sighing, she nodded, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "Yeah, I know, Lanie… it's just that… well, things are really complicated right now."

Lanie gave an understanding nod. "And I bet being engaged to Mr. Page Six isn't helping," she said.

"What? Oh god… I… I never thought of that," Beckett felt panic start to rise in her throat.

She had hated being interviewed for that magazine article after Heat Wave was released. Never one for being in the public eye, Beckett had wanted to keep their relationship a secret, but getting married to him, not to mention carrying his twins… God… it was opening a whole another can of worms Beckett was unsure she wanted to even open.

But she did love him. And—yes—she did want to marry him and become Katherine Castle. It was the whole press and Page Six stuff she didn't want to marry. Yet, marrying Castle meant not just marrying the man, but the celebrity as well.

"Kate, sorry, I didn't mean anything by that," Lanie was saying, her face turned down in a sorrowful expression of regret, worried that she had caused an unwelcome panic to race into her friend's already anxious mind.

Letting out a frustrated breath, Beckett spun on her heels and plopped down in a chair. "No… it's alright, Lanie," she said, placing her hands in her lap. "I… I just had never thought of it, is all."

Lanie pulled a chair over and sat in front of Beckett. "Does it change how you feel?" she inquired.

Beckett narrowed her eyes and thought for a moment. She shook her head. "No," she affirmed. "It doesn't." She looked up at Lanie, her eyes slightly watery. "I love him, Lanie. I truly do. He means more to me than anything ever has… its all just… just so overwhelming."

Her friend gave a nod and reached over to place a hand on her knee. "So you're not going to run away or become distant and withdrawn?"

"Hell no, not with Rick, Lanie… not with him!" Beckett declared. "I can't breathe without him. But… what if I've already screwed things up?"

"How so?"

"At the crime scene, and on the ride back," she elaborated. "It… it was so silent. He's never been so silent before… so stoic."

"Maybe he's just taking it all in, finally realizing that his dreams are coming true," Lanie put forth.

Beckett sighed. "I wish it was that, but… I… I'm not so sure," she admitted.

Suddenly there came a gentle rapping on the break room door. They both looked up to see the very man they'd been talking about stick his head through the opening.

"Am I interrupting something?" Castle asked, his eyebrows rising in concern.

"No, not at all," Lanie stood up, giving Beckett's knee a supportive squeeze. "I was just heading back to the morgue."

Castle stepped back and allowed her to pass, giving her an appreciative nod. He stepped in and closed the door, his eyes shifty and his manner fidgety. Oh God, Beckett panicked. He's going to break up with me… I know it! He's going to break up with me. I knew this whole thing was too good to be true.

Closing the distance between them, Castle knelt before her and took one of her sweating hands in his. He smiled at her, that damned charming smile that melted her heart. Beckett watched with dread as he took a deep breath, as if he was preparing himself for something extremely difficult. His free hand disappeared inside his jacket. She clenched her jaw, and closed her eyes, awaiting the inevitable, it's not you, it's me line.

"Kate," his hand was on her cheek and she let out a sob, tears flowing down her cheeks. "Kate? What's the matter?" His voice was so confused and concerned.

Blinking past the tears, Beckett cursed her emotional state. Damn it, she was stronger than this. Stupid hormones! As her vision cleared, she noticed a small black box in Castle's hand. The tension in her jaw immediately released and her mouth dropped open. Castle caressed the side of her face and wiped away the tears with the pad of his thumb.

"I don't know what's got you so afraid, Kate," he said. "Whatever it is, I hope this makes you feel better."

Castle popped the top open and held out the tiny velvet black box before her for her inspection. Nestled inside was a simple, yet elegant, silver engagement ring with three small diamonds. It wasn't flashy or gaudy. It was plain, uncomplicated, and sincere. It was her. And it was perfect.

A smile broke out on her lips and her eyes lit up. "Rick… it… it's perfect," she declared, her heart thumping profoundly in her chest as her cheeks flushed with welcomed feelings of being loved and cared for. She felt so foolish for thinking what she had thought before.

"You want to know a secret, Kate?" he asked as she removed the ring from the velvet box and took her hand in his. She nodded, her eyes locked on his. "I bought this ring a while ago. Hell, it might have been on a lark, but I saw it… and I thought of you and how absolutely extraordinary you are and how it was the perfect ring for you."

Her breath hitched up and she mentally chided herself for all her anxious worrying. "Did you go back to the Loft?" she questioned in a somewhat embarrassing stammering sort of way. "Is… is that where you went?"

He swallowed and nodded, finally seeming to understand what had been consuming her mind whilst he was away. "Oh god, I'm sorry, Kate, I wanted to surprise you," Castle said in way of an apology. "I should have said something, but I… I was just kind of all giddy and excited about finally putting this on your finger, I just sort of forgot myself."

"It… it's okay," she said in a shaky voice as she watched with wide and teary eyes of joy as he slid the ring onto her finger. Sucking in a breath, she stared at it in awe. "This… this is real? You… you're really going to marry me?"

"Always," Castle answered in his usual manner, leaning up to cup her face in his palms before kissing her deeply.

She sighed and eased into him as he swept her up into his arm, practically lifting her out of the chair. Beckett wrapped her arms around his neck and let out a giddy laugh of delight as she closed her eyes, relishing the way her body melded with his as their kiss deepened.

The sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted them, and they both backed away, both flushed and embarrassed.

Esposito and Ryan were standing there, both with stunned and slacked jawed expressions. Beckett laughed lightly and ran her bottom lip under her teeth, leaning against Castle as he openly wrapped an arm around her waist.

"What's up guys?" Castle ask so very nonchalantly with a jerk of his head, as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Um…," Ryan stammered.

Esposito blinked and came out of it first. "Something you two want to tell us?"

Beckett bit the inside of her cheek and held up her hand, showing off the bling that now adorned her finger. "We're engaged!" she confirmed what the two detectives had no doubt suspected, but were in need of verification.

The two junior detectives grinned broadly. They both murmured congratulations, almost seeming more enthusiastic about it than Beckett and Castle were. After a moment of awkward silence, where all Esposito and Ryan did was stare at them with those goofy grins plastered over their faces, Beckett detached herself from Castle and crossed her arms, giving her two subordinates one of her patented glares.

"I don't want any snickering comments about this, okay," she ordered. "You got something funny to say… you keep it to yourself, understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," Ryan chirped up.

"Well do," Esposito bobbed his head.

Beckett gave a nod, satisfied and glanced over her shoulder to see Castle stopping halfway through mouthing something to the other two. She narrowed her eyes and gave him a glare as well, before turning back to Esposito and Ryan.

"And you're not to tell Mr. Smarty Pants either," she added, hooking a thumb over her shoulder to point at Castle. "Clear."

She grinned triumphantly at the immediate nods she got from the two partners. Esposito straighten his back and coughed, flicking his head towards Castle.

"Yo, Castle."

"Yeah?"

"You take care not to do wrong by our girl here," he said, looking to Beckett for approval of this "big brother" protective routine. She smirked, knowing he was obviously trying to gain some points to cover his behind in case she caught him making a crack about her and Castle behind her back. She obliged him with a nod. He'd get a free pass for maybe one or two snide comments.

Castle slinked an arm around her waist and pulled her close. "Oh, I have no intention of doing wrong by her," he declared, giving her a playful wink. She could not help it and blushed.

"Yeah," Ryan piped up. "No funny business, Castle. I may be small, but I'm Irish, and scrappy."

Both Castle and her chuckled, shaking their heads at the absurdity of it all. "Alright, boys, that's enough, back to work, okay," Beckett said, pulling herself out of Castle's embrace. She turned to face him and inclined her head towards the murder board as they followed the other two out of the break room. "Ready to bounce around some of your harebrained theories, Mr. Castle?"

"Oh, most definitely, Mrs. Castle," he said with a smirk and wink.