Warnings: If you've read my work before, you're probably used to my terrible language seeping into what I write, but this is basically a chapter dedicated to the F-bomb. Oh, and Joe Biden. Like Sarah Palin, he gets his own warning. :P

Chapter Ten: A Big Fucking Deal

March 23, 2010

The health-care reform bill had finally passed, and the bill-signing ceremony was being televised live. The vice president was giving a special speech on this historic day.

Actually, Obama had really wanted Alfred to be present at the signing, but that morning the nation had woken up with a sore throat, a bad headache, and a 102 F fever. Obviously, he was in no shape to attend any political events. So he compromised by propping himself up in bed on pillows, and a hot mug of that disgusting lemon tea Arthur had given him (but it was good for sore throats, so he just sucked it up and drank it), and the television remote to watch the coverage. It was the least he could do; it was very important to Obama that the man who was the personification of his nation see historic legislation passed. And it was standard procedure, anyway, for Alfred to be present at important legislative events. He had witnessed the Emancipation Proclamation, the ratification of the 19th Amendment, the Civil Rights Act, and the Americans with Disabilities Act. But due to circumstances beyond his control, Alfred found himself unable to present for the health-care reform.

Anyway, he watched as Biden finished his speech, walked over to Obama, and muttered, "This is a big fucking deal," to the head of state. Obviously, the comment was meant to be personal, for the president's ears only. It certainly was not supposed to be broadcast on live TV across the entire country. But Biden had made a serious miscalculation by underestimating the sensitivity of the television microphones.

In fact, Alfred wasn't even sure that he'd even heard it at all. Maybe it was just the fever talking, and he was hallucinating sounds. But moments later, his cell phone rang, and he answered it, voice raspy from the illness. "Yeah?"

"Good lord, you sound bloody awful," he heard Arthur's clipped British accent on the other end of the line. "What happened to you?"

"Got a fever..." Alfred coughed back, Arthur started to make a sympathetic sound, but then seemingly remembered what he was calling about.

"So health-care reform is a big fucking deal, huh?" he asked. "Well, congratulations on finally joining the ranks of the other first-world countries. I'd say that it's bloody well a big fucking deal!" Alfred blinked.

"Oh god, he really said that?" he groaned. "I thought it was my fever talking. Oh god, the Republicans are really going to make this into a big fucking deal now, and the FCC is going to be all over this! Housewives in middle America are going to complain like crazy! The pundits are all going to want me to go on their shows and talk about how this national disgrace has affected me! Goddammit, I just want to go back to sleep!" If he had been thinking clearly, he would have realized that he was talking like a crazy person, but at that point, Alfred truly believed that there was going to be a national incident. Arthur sighed. If he'd known Alfred wasn't feeling well he wouldn't have brought it up at all... America had a tendency to not think rationally while he was ill.

"Then go back to sleep," he said calmly. "I'll call you back later, alright?" Alfred nodded, although he knew the British man was unable to see him.

"Thanks."

Once he hung up the phone, Alfred went back to sleep. He shut off the television and crawled back under the sheets, hugging a pillow to his chest. When you're sick, there's nothing better than cuddling up with a nice, fluffy pillow.

He woke up several hours later, in a much better state of mind. He was pretty certain that his fever had gone down a bit, and he was feeling strong enough to walk into the kitchen and grab a box of crackers to nibble on while he checked his phone messages. He was expecting maybe one or two missed call, probably from Samuel Alito regarding the actual intent of the framers of the Constitution, and maybe a few text messages from Ivan (Putin had gotten Ivan a new cell phone with an unlimited data plan. Unfortunately for everyone else, said phone had a camera, and Ivan had lately been entertaining himself by sending picture texts to everyone in his address book of random stuff lying around Russia). What Alfred did not expect, however, was a bunch of messages from congresspeople telling him to look at the blogs, and some forwarded angry messages from constituents. All, of course, were about Joe Biden's lack of decorum.

"Absolutely inappropriate!" one blogger raged. "Isn't the government supposed to be responsible for keeping its politicians in line? Why, if the Founding Fathers knew that we elected this clown as our vice president, they'd be turning in their graves!"

"Does he have any sense of when to open his mouth and when to keep it shut?" a different blogger complained.

"Mr. Jones! You are supposed to be responsible for briefing all political leaders on proper behavior, and Joe Biden failed miserably to uphold those standards!" a very angry Republican congressman had left on his voicemail. "You need to pick up the pace, or we're going to be the laughingstock of the entire world!"

But not everyone was angry about it, though. The head of a certain media watchdog group called and expressed irritation that Biden was so unaware of the problems that his seeming inability to censor himself caused, but also that he thought it was kind of funny, personally. A few messages were from politicians expressing support for Biden.

"He's goddamn right it's a big fucking deal!" Nancy Pelosi exclaimed on the message that she had left. "There's nothing wrong with telling it like it is! And if they can't fucking handle it, then they can get the fuck out! Just because they're too fucking immature to handle a little adult language doesn't mean that they get to run the country, and they can't set our decency standards!"

Even Biden himself had called to apologize to Alfred. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry," he dithered into the phone. "But I was just telling the truth! It really is a big fucking deal! But now I'm afraid that everyone is going to make a big fucking deal out of my gaffe and detract from the real big fucking deal!" Alfred had to laugh. Typical Biden. Leave it to him to apologize for dropping the F-word by dropping more F-words.

Still, Alfred hoped that people would forget about the gaffe soon. After all, politicians said stupid shit all the time, and while people might laugh at the mistake for a while, it would eventually be relegated to late-night comedy show reruns (Dan Quayle's "potatoe" being an example). But for several more days, all anyone seemed to talk about was Joe Biden's rudeness.

"He's a big effing failure, that's what he is!" a caller to a radio show roared. "A classy VP would never drop the F-bomb on live national TV!"

"BIDEN'S POTTY MOUTH!" a supermarket tabloid's headline screamed.

"What does it mean for our country's future if the higher-ups do not know how to watch their language?" one daytime talk-show hostess asked her viewers. "Already if you walk into a high school you will hear all the students yelling 'F this!' and 'God-D that!' and 'This is BS!', only you won't hear them use the euphemisms! Already it's a problem among teenagers! But what if our children hear the vice president of the United States using foul language, and then they decide that they want to be like him? We'll have an epidemic of cursing kindergartners on the loose!"

"This country is on the fast-track to damnation!" a televangelist yowled. "Corrupt speech is the sign of a corrupt heart, and if the heart of this country is so obviously corrupt, then what can we say about the average citizen? Repent while you still have the chance!"

Even so, others were complaining about how the other side was making a federal case out of an off-the-cuff quip that hadn't been meant for television. "If it wasn't a big fucking deal before, it is now, and it's not because of Joe Biden!" one blogger wrote. "Some people made a mountain out of a molehill, and we lost sight of what really is important: we passed health-care reform, for better or for worse."

A mountain out of a molehill. That sounded about right, Alfred though.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

A reader wanted a chapter about Joe Biden, so here you go.

To be perfectly honest, this was really hard to write. I personally like Joe Biden, I think he's hilarious, so it was kind of difficult to keep a neutral tone throughout this chapter. Well, at least I hope I managed to keep it sarcastic enough.

Actually, this chapter is kind of based on real events. I had a stomach virus on March 23, and I stayed home and watched the ceremony. I did hear Biden's comment, and didn't really think anything of it. I will admit it: I curse a lot . The people I work with curse a lot. My dad curses at everything ("Where the fuck is my fucking newspaper? Did you put it in the fucking bin already!"), so I didn't really see it as being a big deal. However, the next day I went back to my daily routine, and let me tell you- Biden's F-bomb was the only thing anyone talked about. One of my teachers went on a tangent about how disgraceful it was that governmen officials don't have the decency to not swear on national television. A friend of my family (who has always been like an extra grandmother to me) actually did think that because Joe Biden swears, little kids are going to start cursing a blue streak whenever something doesn't go their way. Nana, I love you, but seriously? Most little kids don't watch television news.

I probably overdid the reactions, but hey- it was supposed to be sarcastic. Thanks for reading!

-Kaboom