Title: Dear Dib

Rated: T

Summary: Zim comes across Dib's letter and comes up with one in response.

Word Count: 2,969

Kind of long, but I don't care. Hope you liked it. By the way, if you have the time, please read "Dear Zim" before reading this. You might be a little confused.

Also, to make up for the lack of humor in this oneshot, I will write a horribly cliched ZADR oneshot that will be sure to make you laugh with how bad it is. :)

It was just another boring day in Skool, and nothing was able to put a smile on Dib's face. Even the taunts that Zim would sneak during Ms. Bitter's lecture only served as a reminder as to how sad his life was.

What was wrong with him? Nothing except he was a young man who desired to become a paranormal investigator, and yet the brunette wanted to be with another male who he knew without a doubt was an extraterrestrial bent on taking over the Earth. The scythe-haired preteen did not know whether to laugh or cry at his life. How did this happen? Dib stared out the window and tried to blank out his mind, but disturbingly, he could see the bright green reflection of Zim's skin on the window. Goodness, couldn't the Irken leave his thoughts for even a few minutes? Sure, his life was no longer boring and slow with the alien in it, but this unhealthy obsession was consuming and eating him to the point that Dib was unsure if there was going to be anything left. When he tried to ignore or forget about the green invader for a few seconds, Dib could feel his skin crawl uncomfortably. As if there were thousands of bugs venturing underneath the ebony-haired boy's skin, pestering him until he gave up and thought of Zim again. He banged his head against the desk, hoping the pain would dull his thoughts. Unfortunately, his combats with Zim had increased his ability to tolerate pain. If Dib could hate the foreigner anymore, he would.

Thankfully the bell signaled the end of the Skool day and Dib rushed out. However, as he sped past everyone, his precious letter fell out of his pocket and landed on Zim's feet. The green invader picked up the piece of paper; shocked to see it was addressed to him. The little, green man was reading it silently as he walked home.

"Perhaps I should write a response to the Worm-Monkey." He said absentmindedly.

Hours later, Dib frantically searched his room. He was sweating under the intense pressure. Where was his letter?

The brunette poured all his emotions and declarations about the extraterrestrial, and always kept it safe on his person in order to make sure no one else would read it. Yet as he placed his hand in his pocket, he did not feel the sharp corners. The paranormal-obsessed boy dug deeper, thinking that it sank to the bottom but the precious document was still not there.

"Where did I put it?" Dib sighed. During the chaos however, he did find a note lying innocently on his bed.

"Phew... wait, this isn't mine." He realized and opened the mysterious document.

Dear Dib-Stink,

You know nothing of hate and its definition. You and your filthy, horrid race are a curse! But don't worry, soon I will put all you worthless souls out of your misery! Before I do this though, I would like to correct the obvious errors you made.

"Oh no…" Dib groaned to himself.

There is nothing wrong with my proud, booming voice! You should feel honored to have heard such a wondrous sound, and it is not the musings of a common, asylum resident. And those shivers you feel as I laugh are proof that my obvious superiority is breaching your thick, undeveloped head. Side note, you and your kind are so pathetic. You actually believe in the concept of souls? Anyways, back to the topic of voices and insults. I do not call you "Dib-Filth" or "Worm-Monkey" because I cannot conjure up better insults, but rather because you do not deserve more than that. You are but a tiny, bigheaded creature on this dirt-ball of a planet, and nothing more than that. As for your attempts to mock me, they are unimaginative as well. "Space boy" and "Alien Scum" are not miraculous breakthroughs in the history of ridicule. As for my race and its maturity, we are millions of years more advanced that your kind! How dare you speak in such a manner about the Irken Empire! You act as if you are perfect, but I think it is your voice that is the one of annoyance. Dib-human, do you know because of your young age and stage in development, that your voice has an awkward crack and break in it sometimes? One minute your voice is normal, but soon it will shift dramatically in pitch and timbre! DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS TO HEAR?!

There is nothing wrong with Zim's personality! I am not obnoxious, nor am I vulgar. There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself in an honest manner. Not everyone has to be quiet, cold, and uninteresting like most of your kind is. It is only logical to present yourself in an honest manner because it leads to fewer complications. As for my ego, I do not have one and it is certainly not close to the dimensions that make up your gargantuan head if I did have one. Seriously, have you ever had your cranium examined by a medical professional?

My actions are valuable not only to me, but to you as well. I am the closest thing that you can obtain in order to redeem your field of study and I am the thing that makes you believe that you are anchored in the planes of sanity. While most of my plans fail due to my quickness and inability to find errors upon first sight, your twisted mind forced itself to believe that you were actually vital to the survival of your species. It is all right though. I have come to accept that you inferior species must lie to yourselves in order to not be repulsed by each other. See how kind I am? Where is this vulgarity and selfishness that you described me to have now?

Do not worry human; your hate is reciprocated.

"Wow Zim, I would not have thought that if you had not have told me. Thank you for pulling me out of the darkness when it comes to that." Dib sarcastically spat while rolling his eyes.

We agreed that we would never speak of those instances again! But since this is a private letter that you wrote to yourself (are you sure you are not crazy?) than I will forgive you on this fault. Yes, my only reason for saving the Earth was simply for my desire to destroy this forsaken place myself. Also, I do not wish to destroy this place without a large provision of snacks and soda first. As for my arrogance, like my ego, I do not have any. How I feel, think, and act is within reason for I earned it. I am quite intelligent (thankfully I did not have to point this out to you), cunning, ambitious (although I must admit that this quality has also been my downfall) and am capable of bringing a vast amount of destruction if I desired to faster than any invader in the academy in a way that is uniquely Zim. Tak, ha! The Irken female might be attractive, but that is all she has going for her. Her plan was so generic that it bored me almost to tears.

I do not rely on you as a source of information! You freely give these details to me, and I only listen because you seem to be one of the few, competent creatures on this planet. Really, even I am surprised that they have not discovered my secret after meeting my robotic, parental units. Still, as I had written earlier, you are not as bad as the other Earth-Stinks, and therefore I do not feel the need to seek further information if you say it.

The scythe-haired boy raised his eyebrow at the last paragraph. Did Zim just compliment him on his intelligence? The green invader was a strange one, but then again, who was weirder? The alien or the human in love with said alien?

As for all your complaints that you have against my appearance, I will only counter them with my own complaints against yours. My body lacks these "curves" you speak of because Irkens are designed for efficiency. Our muscles while smaller than most humans are comparable to the strength you bulky, inferior creatures can muster. Your torso is just as thin as mine, but your hips are... strangely wide! Not like that of normal human males either. They jut out in a way similar to that of females in puberty, which looks really awkward on your slender body. While I understand that the largest muscle is in that region, it does not help that you have legs almost as skinny as mine in contrast to your round posterior. Still, the worst feature of yours is probably your disgusting flesh. It is a pale color, providing no protection from any radiation and it has tiny hairs that collect dirt. How can you stand going through the day with only one shower alone?! Knowing human anatomy is disgusting. It is as if your kind wishes to die from the environment surrounding it.

And if those statements you made about me in your letter were supposed to be compliments, you fail at even the task of kindness Dib.

Again, you attack my personality! Do you not have better things to do with your time than to write such libel about me? Although my kind is known for their logic, it is not unusual to have emotions. In fact, a recent trip back to my home planet has informed me that my PAK has slight defects that cause me to feel a wider range of emotions in comparison to most of my kind. I have come to accept that I do appreciate my S.I.R unit as a friend, and the same for Minimoose. While I fought these things because I do not want to accept weakness, after reading countless amounts of human literature, I have come to realize that these things can possibly work to my advantage. For instance, during said trip back to my home, they declared me as one of the greatest Irkens in history and allowed me for ten minutes to control the Massive (the mightiest ship of our fleet). At first, they had startled me into thinking that they were disappointed by this personality trait, but in the end they finally let on their true feelings. They were amazed by my abilities and rewarded me justly!

This was all a lot of information for the honey-eyed preteen to absorb. So... Zim thought he was a pasty-white, dirty child with girly features? Why would the alien pay that much attention to his... gluteal muscles (since buttocks sounded too sexual)? And the detail about the other male's PAK was interesting. So unlike Tak, he could truly form bonds with people and things due to the defects in the secondary organ. The brunette continued reading, wondering what other tidbits he would gather on Zim.

Yes, I am an accomplished invader indeed. But Zim will not deny that the Dib-Beast is skilled in combat despite his lack of training. You have learned the majority of your knowledge through tutoring yourself, and I cannot say that I am not impressed by your sagacity. Despite your young age, you do have this air of wisdom and capability beyond your age that is hard to ignore. If there were one quality about you specifically human that I wished to possess myself, it would have to be that.

... We are similar in strange ways. But I do not agree with some of them. Both of our passions come from the thrill of fighting each other, but I do not think that we put ourselves through any "torture." I do what I do because it is who I am. I could have easily conquered your planet with designs with less finesse, pleased my Almighty Tallest sooner, and continued on to other missions. But I do not conduct myself in such a boring manner because it is not in my nature to behave that way. It is the same for you Dib. You may think you are doing all this for the approval of those around you, but your motives are even more selfish than that. You defend your home not because it is right, for fame, or to gain acceptance. You fight me because you have never met anyone on your worthless planet that could challenge you and your competitive nature. You fight me because it is in your nature. It has probably been a boring life for you on this planet due to your abilities far exceeding children your age.

In a way, Zim was right about Dib. The younger male never thought about morals, fame, or love from anyone when Zim riled him up. The only thing on his mind was the pursuit of a green alien who awoken something in him he never felt before.

You are an annoying creature Dib-Smell. However, I deal with GIR on a daily basis so I have a high tolerance to annoyance.

"Urgh... that is a high tolerance..." Dib laughed. He still remembered the time he spent with GIR... so much dancing...

While you are far from the most beautiful being that I laid eyes upon, I do find some features on you appealing. I find your eyes to also be interesting structures. Pink, Red, and Purple eyes are common in my society, but yours are a rare, light brown that can sometimes appear gold in certain light. Also, instead of the color of your eyes being all over, it is concentrated in the center and has a more intense hue (which really annoys me when you forget to clean your glasses). It is rather odd how often I am drawn to your eyes, but I also find myself staring at other parts. You are rather agile and flexible. It is rather strange since your species' skeletal structure is not as flexible as my race, but you are able to move in ways that fascinate me. Sometimes I am curious as the extent to your flexibility... not in disgusting, inappropriate, human ways! I worked as a scientist before I became an invader, and I too am only interested in your physique due to my desire to learn. But recently, the one body part that I am attracted to is your hands. They are odd. They have more digits that I am used to, but they aren't as useless as most would think. It was rather difficult for me to learn how to write so that it was coherent for others to read, but everyone had mastered that task with ease. Your hands also have a stronger grip than my own due to your extra fingers, and I wonder what are the limitations of your mysterious hands. Please do not interpret that an indecent way!

You confuse me. Are you absolutely sure you are human, or must I continue to hate you?

If I could not change you without risking your good qualities, then I could not make adjustments to you too. Although there are many traits that you have that are irritating, irrational, and foolish, there are too many things about your personality that I do not wish to change. Everyone else in the world is only thinking about moving into the future, not living in the present like we do. Does anyone actually enjoy his or her lives like us?

The surge of stimulation running through my body does feel like it a black hole. As if a powerful force inside me is jerking and ripping my squeedly-spooch, and yet I want more. I need the heat of your breath on my neck, whispering deadly threats against my cool flesh as your strong hands keep a tight grip on my tunic. But the most intoxicating moments are when we both have a blade at the each other's backs, and we glare at each other with the same intense, knowing stare. This is our place and no one else can be a part of this. The pulsing vitality pouring into my system is intoxicating. I feel this high even when you are gone, and I lay safe in my base. Yet like all highs, I need more of these moments with smaller breaks in between them to the point my life is a blur of planning something just to draw you in. The world is just something to contain us. It is completely unimportant. Nothing is compared to you. Did you know that I have not made transmissions to my superiors for over three months now? This planet's destruction is almost enough to make me go to sleep in comparison to getting underneath your skin.

The hatred is mutual Dib. I want you to be my everything. You are not just the object of my love. You are my hatred, disgust, love, but most of all, you are my only obsession. I must consume you and I want you to do the same for me.

Look out your window and accept your fate!

Dib gulped and did as the letter told him. Before he could look out the window though, a small rock smashed through the window and collided with his head.

"Ow! What the heck?" He yelled. The ebony-haired boy angrily went to the broken window and saw Zim outside with a wide smirk on his face.

"I'm going to get you for that you ugly, Space Monster!" He vowed and ran out of his room to confront the violent alien. This was not romantic; but this was what their relationship was. Nothing was anything like the dull, gray, empty wasteland like the world outside. Everything was fast paced, carnal, and raw. And they liked it that way.

If there is any oneshot/drabble that you want a sequel to, let me know.