Chapter 10: Teardrops and Pain
Nikki walked up to Stella's office, and seen that she was looking at something on the computer. Nikki had cried for almost another hour and she was sure that her tear ducts were well dried up.
She knocked on Stella's door and Stella looked up. "Hey, Nikki. Are you… okay?", Stella asked.
" Yes. No. No, I'm not", Nikki answered, quietly. She tried to smile, and failed miserably.
" Come here, Nikki. It's okay. Sit down, relax", Stella chided. The younger woman looked pale and drawn, with the exception of her red-rimmed eyes.
Nikki walked over to the chair that Stella sat beside hers and sat down tentatively. She felt so small, and lost. Life was just not being fair to her. She could understand that he rejected her, and why. That was plain and clear.
" Nikki. I want you to know that I'm always here for you if you ever want to talk", Stella started. She knew that it had been hard enough for Nikki to come back here, but now she just looked withdrawn from the world.
" I'm pregnant", Nikki said quietly.
Stella could only stare in shock and hope that what Nikki had just said was a lie. She repressed her shock, and then asked, " Is that why you were crying? Because you found out you were pregnant?"
Nikki shook her head and replied, " No, it's not the reason. I found out about a month or so ago. I'm over that shock, it's just this other shock and hurt and goddamn this world, and life. It's just not fair."
" What's not fair?", Stella asked, careful not to tread to close to a line that Nikki didn't want to cross just yet. When Nikki didn't reply though, Stella persisted even further by asking, " What happened with Don this morning?"
Nikki looked away, ashamed that her show of emotion was witnessed by the whole lab. She knew that if she had any tears right now, they would be rising up in her eyes. She had hoped with all her heart that Don would be happy with her news, now she knew different.
" Nikki? What happened?", Stella persisted.
Nikki shook her head and then put it down, lowering her eyes. She felt ashamed, and angry, not only at him, but at herself. She shouldn't have let anything happen last night. She had lost control, and she didn't like it.
She felt a cold determination seep into her body and mind. She needed to steel herself against hurt. She needed to be strong for the baby. If she had to face it alone, she would face it with determination and strength. She would never hurt again.
Angling her chin at a stubborn angle, she lifted her eyes and met Stella's. " I'm terribly sorry, Stell. I need to get back to work, I have a case to finish off", Nikki said, in a cold voice. She had a hard, determined look in her eyes and Stella wondered what had happened in those brief minutes when she hadn't answered Stella's question.
Nikki got up and walked out of the office, her back ramrod straight. She had a stubborn, determined lift to her chin and a cold, almost steely look in her eyes. She walked straight to her little office and picked up the pictures of her latest crime scene. She laid them out on the desk, looking for something, anything.
She also realized that she should probably go down to the morgue and see what Sid had found out. She stood up, picked up her photographs, put them in the envelope and headed for the morgue.
She walked into
the room, and almost instantly regretted it. The smell of death
loomed in the air, making Nikki want to gag, instead, she swallowed
the bile and walked over to Sid Hammerback.
" Hey, Miss Messer. It's good to see your face again. I heard you were back. How have you been?", Sid asked, cheerfully.
" Alright, I guess. Hey, anything on our Jane Doe?", she asked, casually.
" Oh. Right, her. Yes, there was", he replied, walking over to her body. She was a leaner woman, she had some muscles, which said that she didn't starve herself. She was a very pretty woman, with light brown hair and green eyes. Emerald green eyes.
Sid pulled his report and studied it for a minute. " Oh, yes. Here it is. I checked for sexual assault. Nothing. But, you might want to take a look at this", he instructed. He showed her the portion of the report that he wanted her to read.
She did read it, and was shocked. Instantly, her hand went to her stomach when she read it. " She was pregnant?", Nikki asked, shocked. Her hand was still pressed protectively to her stomach.
" Yes. About eight weeks", Sid replied, noting the protective hand on Nikki's stomach.
" Do we have a name on her yet?", Nikki asked, quietly.
" No, not yet. There's no ring, and no proof that there ever was a ring. So, my guess is that she's not married. A single pregnant woman murdered in the streets of New York. That's just horrible", Sid replied.
" Yes, it is. I will find this woman's killer, that's just disgusting. He doesn't deserve to live for killing an innocent woman and her baby. Do you know who the father is yet?", Nikki asked, hopefully.
" Not yet, but I did send DNA from the fetus to the lab for examination. I hope it helps", Sid replied, handing her the report.
" Thanks, Sid", Nikki smiled, and then walked away. She had some evidence to look over.
Don mulled over everything that had happened last night and kept wondering if he should have been a little more understanding, instead of angry and shocked. He shouldn't have burst out at her like that, now he felt terrible.
Seeing her eyes this morning hadn't helped any. She had looked so vulnerable he had wanted to take her in his arms make sure nothing ever happened to her or the baby. The baby. Her baby. His baby. Their baby.
He was in awe now. His hand had ran over her stomach that had been so flat just those few short months ago and now wasn't. He had felt that very small but distinct bump. He couldn't even relate how he had felt when she had said that the baby wasn't that Agent Hotchner's.
Then, the shock that had washed over him when she had said that the baby was his. He had felt disbelief and hurt at the thought that she could lie like that, and that's why he had chased her to the door and shut it so hard.
After she had ran, he had sat on his couch and thought about the one and only time he had made love to her. He knew that he hadn't used protection, and apparently neither had she. And the realization struck him like a blow to the stomach.
He had felt awful and had tossed and turned for the remainder of the night. The fact that he had hurt her didn't sit well with him. And, then this morning when she ran into him. He hadn't been paying attention, but when she smacked into him and he felt her hands on his chest, it brought him up short.
He had looked into her eyes, and they had been red-rimmed. She was wearing a face of pure pain and hurt. It had torn at his heart and he felt it worse when he had seen the tears well up in her eyes. That had torn him straight to the bone.
She had ran from him like he was the devil himself. He felt rotten, like a complete ass. And worse. God, he wished he could turn back time. He would change it around. The question was, what was he supposed to do now?
He had a feeling that she would never speak to him again. That thought didn't sit well with him. He needed to make her understand. He would tell her that he cared deeply, for her and the baby. She may never ever speak to him again, but he had to try.
He looked through the glass window and seen Nikki standing at the lab desk. Mulling over pictures, and looking through files. She had a determined set to herself, almost a cold look in the way she held herself.
Still, the picture she made was very beautiful, and he couldn't help to notice the stubborn set of her jaw. His gaze dropped to her abdomen, and he felt pride in knowing that his child grew there.
He was working with her on that Jane Doe case, so he decided she couldn't ignore him on business. He boldly walked into the room, and felt before seeing her back go ramrod straight. He knew that she knew that he was in the room. He stopped.
" You took a few steps in, you might as well come all the way in", her voice was filled with a cold feeling and a challenge.
She didn't turn around to face him, just kept staring at the photos as if waiting for them to talk to her.
" Well, I've got bad news. I have no idea who she is. I've looked through every missing persons report and I can't find her. I'm sorry", he started. He deliberately told her that he was sorry, hoping she'd catch the double meaning, and forgive him.
She caught the double meaning in his words, and she looked away towards a wall. " Is that so?", she asked, a little colder than she had intended, but she'd be damned if she apologized for it.
He caught the coldness in her voice and he winced visibly. He should go to Mac and get himself pulled from the case, it would be the best. He didn't want her to hate him, but this clearly wasn't helping any.
" Yes, it is. I'll leave to your work now", he replied, and started towards the door.
" Jane Doe was pregnant, Flack. Eight weeks. Someone killed a pregnant woman, and that doesn't sit well with me. I hate this man, he had no right to end that innocent life, or lives I should. No right at all. How the hell is that fair?", Nikki replied, angrily. She didn't mean for the outburst to happen, but for some reason, she didn't want Don to go.
" We'll find him, Nikki. I promise", Don replied, soothingly, then walked out the door.
I'm terribly sorry for not updating any sooner. I have been very busy and very very tired at night. I haven't had any time to write. I hope this helps for a little while. I'll update as soon as I can. Enjoy!!