10. Through the Void (Gin)
I woke up into complete darkness. I tried to blink my eyes few times to adjust them but I still saw only black. Was I standing or sitting? Or maybe lying? I tried to figure it out, but I couldn't. There was a strange sense of weightlessness, as if I was floating. It was calming somehow. I was alone and safe. I closed my eyes and relaxed.
Years could have passed and I wouldn't have noticed. I didn't care for noticing, really. Behind my closed eyes, I started to see faces, people without names drifting through mist. I don't know when I noticed him first. A young man's face appeared in the distance, his eyes tired and sad. The face haunted me for a long time. I was sure I knew him, but couldn't remember his name or where I knew him from. Days must have passed before I saw him again. I tried to reach out for him, to call him, but I couldn't move and no sound escaped my lips. Time passed by and I came to hope for any chance to see him again.
I started to think about him and about the other faces as well. Where did I know them from? Who were they and why couldn't I talk to them? And… Who was I? I found myself wondering, unable to answer myself. What was my name and why was I here? From time to time, I heard voices talking to me or to each other, although I couldn't make out any words in particular. At least I think they were talking to me. I could recognize three voices. One of them always made me want to get as far away as possible. It was a strange feeling. I knew I couldn't move, but whenever I heard that voice, I shut my eyes tight and tried not to shiver.
Seeing some of the faces regularly, hearing those voices, something started to wake up in me. I came to realize my name was Gin. I started to remember some pieces from the past…
I was a scrawny kid, all elbows and knees, my clothes always torn. How old was I? Seven? Ten? Something like that. I was hungry, so hungry it made my head spin. I was sitting on the ground in some back alley, sorting through a heap of things I'd stolen that day. Most of it was worthless, so I threw it away and kept only what could have been exchanged for some food. Food was scarce here, wherever "here" was.
More memories of my childhood flashed before my eyes, and then a man appeared…
"Aizen-sama, what do you want to do with this thief?"
The man that caught me was large and strong. He had the black robes of a shinigami. The other man looked down at me. He was young and had a smile on his face, glasses framed his warm brown eyes.
"Let him go."
I looked up in surprise. Thieves, when unlucky enough to get caught, weren't treated with anything but loathing around here. But he just smiled and I smiled back. He was the very first person to show me kindness in this world.
That memory stirred something in me. I remembered his name. Aizen. Aizen Sousuke. I remembered I followed him for some time before he took me in and brought me up. Memories of that part of my life were good. Aizen was good to me and I did everything to repay him in kind.
More memories flooded my brain…
I was accepted to the Academy. I was so proud and I couldn't wait to tell Aizen all about it! I ran home and was about to open the door to his study when I heard him arguing with someone.
"It's none of your business! Just get out of my house already. Gin will be here soon, I don't want him to see you."
Aizen's voice was off-balance. I'd never heard him talk like this to anyone.
"Remember who you are talking to, boy. For the last time, I am warning you, Sousuke, if you continue disobeying me, I will finish what I should have done years ago."
The other man was speaking calmly, but even through the door I could feel he was very intimidating. I hid in the closet and concealed my reiatsu just as Aizen had taught me. They stepped outside the office and headed to the front door. I tried to look at the man properly, but he had his back to me. He was huge and old, he looked familiar. Then he turned as he spoke to Aizen again.
"And get rid of that boy, he'll be nothing but trouble."
I recognized the man. He was Commander Yamamoto. And he was talking about me, I realized. I leaned a little further to look at Aizen's face but it was unreadable now.
"On that we agree. But I shall keep him by my side anyway. You can kill me if you want, but I will not let you harm him."
I gasped. I have never expected something like this. He was willing to die for me? For ME? I felt tears spring up and hot anger threatened to burst through at the thought that someone would dare to even think of killing him.
Aizen looked in my direction and I quickly backed further into the closet. The other man left after that without another word. I tried to keep still but Aizen just came right over and opened the closet, his eyes meeting mine. I felt more tears spill out of my eyes and quickly wiped them away with my sleeve.
"You ARE trouble, Gin, that is for sure. You were not supposed to see or hear any of this. Just what am I going to do with you?"
He smiled and took my hand, helping me get up from the floor on which I was still sitting. He pulled me up and out of nothing, he embraced me. For a moment, my heart stopped from being so close to him so suddenly. He had never really shown any kind of emotion towards me, or anybody for that matter. It felt warm and good; I wished I could stay like this forever. But all too soon, he kissed my forehead and let go of me. I felt my cheeks burn up and looked down quickly. I was embarrassed to feel this way. So I quickly retreated to my room and thought nothing of it.
Looking back at that memory, I remembered the feelings I had for Aizen. It made my heart ache even now. For a long time, he was the only good person in my life. He was my father, my best friend and my idol. I looked up to him, doing everything I could to please him, to show him how much he means to me. It didn't take long and I was made a captain of my own gotei. That was a great achievement and I remember I wanted to celebrate it with Aizen. I wanted to tell him what I felt for him since that day he found me in the closet.
I was living on my own for few years already, I had few friends and life was good. That is, if he wasn't already distancing himself from me. I tried to reach him several times but without success. He was always busy with something or somewhere. We rarely saw each other these days.
Few more memories flashed by and then I saw the stranger's face… The memory of the meeting was seared to my brain and my heart.
I was sitting in my office, stacks of paperwork in front of me. I was swamped by the papers. I hated the paperwork that came with being a captain. I didn't really want to be a captain and I didn't apply for the position when it opened. I didn't want to be the leader, I didn't want to have the responsibility for my subordinates. And most of all, I didn't want the paperwork… So, I requested a new fukutaichou. And he was coming today.
I looked at all the papers again and sighed. Maybe I should do at least some of them...
"I-Ichimaru-t-taichou…?"
A timid voice woke me up and I slowly blinked my eyes open a little.
"Hmm?"
"I… I was s-sent here… My name is Kira Izuru."
Ah, right, my new fukutaichou. I sat up on the couch. In the end, I decided to take a nap instead of the paperwork, so there…
"T-taichou…?"
The young man was looking at me strangely. Maybe he thought I was drunk. I had to smirk at that and he took a step back. Poor kid, he seemed so shy. I looked up at him and our eyes met for the first time. And at that moment, I swear I could feel myself fall for the blond haired man immediately and completely.
I replayed that memory over and over, my heart aching terribly. I was missing something, something important, something painful.
I opened my eyes and looked around. The mist-like people were still there, closer than ever. I searched through them until my eyes found Izuru. I watched him and memories rushed back all at once. Everything I felt, everything I went through, everything that happened… Izuru… My Izuru was dead and I…
My last moments finally came back to me and I remembered the broken mirror, the piece of glass and Izuru's eyes. I remembered the pain and how it felt when the blood flowed freely out of me. I frowned as I remembered sharp light hitting my eyes just as I was about to embrace Izuru. Someone was calling my name, pulling me away from the death I wanted so much. Was I dead now? I saw Izuru, didn't I? So I had to be dead… But then… I looked around again and saw faces of people I knew, people that weren't dead, as far as I knew. Maybe I was dead for a long time now and Aizen finally managed to take over the world…? Anger boiled in my veins at the thought. I found Izuru's face again and I tried to move towards him. Nothing.
I watched him and my vision blurred as another memory surfaced.
"I love you."
I whispered the words to him for the first time. I didn't know what would happen afterwards, I didn't care. All I wanted was to be honest for the first time since I met him. The moment the words left my lips, I felt so foolish, so stupid, so afraid. I wanted to run away, but I stayed and met his eyes.
He leaned closer and kissed me softly. So softly I could hardly feel it, but it was there. I put my arms around him and held him close for a long time. I didn't want to let go, I wanted to hear him say what he felt…
I sighed as my vision cleared again. That was our first kiss and first and last night together. We had loved each other for such a long time and we were both so foolishly stubborn to admit it. And now, Izuru was out of my reach. If I was dead, this must have been what hell looks like. Is this how it was going to be? Seeing him so close but never being able to touch him, to talk to him?
I closed my eyes again and embraced the darkness. No more memories haunted me for a long time…
"Wake up! Gin, you have to wake up!"
I heard a voice from a great distance. I understood what he was saying. I recognized the voice, it was Szayel. He was shouting, I think.
"Gin, for goodness sake, you MUST wake up!"
Why the hell should I? I am dead, leave me alone! I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, refusing to open them.
"Starrk, what are we going to do? If he doesn't wake up, they're gonna destroy the whole place!"
"Are you sure he is able to wake up?"
"Yes! There's nothing wrong with him. Well, apart the obvious, but still. From medical point of view, he's fine."
Huh? What were they talking about? What did they mean by "they're gonna destroy the whole place"? Was I not dead? I was tempted to open my eyes and look what's going on, but then I remembered Izuru's face. Maybe I'm not able to touch him or talk to him here, but at least I can see him. And if I wasn't dead, I must be in a coma or something like that and eventually, I could die and be with him, right? That's what I wanted after all…
The voices continued talking but I ignored them. I was thinking. What if… What if I did wake up and took revenge on Aizen? If I could take him down with me, I didn't care whether I'd live or die. If I lived, I'd make sure the bastard was dead and then I'd make sure nobody would find me this time…
I slowly opened my eyes and blinked them several times. The light blinded me for a moment.