Fifty Shades of Secrets

Chapter Ten: Fifty Shades of Forgiveness

Christian Grey,

For the first time all day, I was in control. I was safely tucked away in my castle in the sky where I was king and the world bowed to my feet. Under my very careful instructions, my staff was fulfilling all of my expectations for this evening. If everything went according to plan, I'd have what I wanted, and I could make this right.

I was one of the richest and most influential men in the world. There had to be a way to rectify the last two years that Theodore had been without his father. If I could just be that man- be "Daddy"- for Teddy, it could go away. I was sure it would.

And I sure as hell could give my son what he needed. Even more, he'd have everything he'd ever want. He would never endure the childhood I did. He would never know hunger or abandonment. He would only know comfort and love and stability.

Beginning with tonight.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I fished out my blackberry to see a confirmation text from Andrea that my plans were falling into place. My lawyer in the city, Altman, was scheduled to come by tomorrow morning and begin the process of naming my son the paint color and adding my name to his official birth certificate, and an interior decorator had been hard at work all day converting my bachelor pad into a home Anastasia couldn't resist.

I wanted Anastasia and Theodore here where I wouldn't worry about them Monday through Friday. Of course, I wouldn't have to do that if she would just move to Seattle. I could come home to my girl and my son.

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to shun off the thought. She isn't your girl, Grey. She hasn't been in years…

I needed to make an appointment with Flynn. I was sure he'd have a fucking field day. After our session where I realized I was open to a more normal relationship with Anastasia, Flynn had been telling me to go after her. He even reprimanded me occasionally for thinking that I was so unworthy of her and that she was better off wherever she was with whoever the hell she was with. I hated to think that, if I hadn't been so stubborn, my son would have had a father around.

I always thought I was doing what was best for Anastasia. She wanted a clean break after I hurt her in the playroom, so I gave it to her. When I realized she left Seattle, I resisted the temptation to have Welch track her down because I knew I would have gone to her in a moment of weakness if I had her address handy. I'd tried to find her once, but by the time I got to Ray's house, she was already gone. I thought this was a sign to fuck out of her life and let her be happy.

"Mr. Grey?" a woman's voice forced me out of my inner turmoil.

"What?" I snapped, looking up to see Miss Somers standing in the doorway of my study. Fuck, not her again.

Miss Somers was a regrettable choice as an interior decorator. She came highly recommended and was known for being very efficient, and because I needed the work done all today and she didn't mind such a short time frame, Andrea hired her. When I got home from Anastasia's apartment, she was already at work trying to make my apartment more inviting for Anastasia's sake. She presented ideas for Theodore's nursery, and once I helped finalize what I wanted, I thought it would be the last time I'd see her today.

I was wrong. Miss Somers -or, as she insisted, Abby- had bothered me for the last hour in attempts of flirting. As a whole, she was too flirty, too brunette, and too fucking touchy, and I was hardly in the mood to deal with her today.

"We've just completed. Would you like to do a walk through before we leave?" Miss Somers batted her eyelashes as if to entice me, and I nearly told her to fuck off.

"Yes," my voice was clipped, yet Miss Somers didn't falter. She simply beckoned me out of my study and began to ramble on about the small changes she'd make to transform my apartment into a "home" and all of that bullshit. It was irritating.

"I was worried about the paint color in his room, but now that it's dried, I think it will actually help Theodore sleep. Wonderful name, by the way," Miss Somers opened the door to one of the bedrooms and stared at me as she waited for my approval.

I smirked at the color she was referring to, Steel Grey. When I saw it on one of the swatches, I insisted on it and nearly made her paint the entire apartment this color. The nursery was everything I'd expected. It was modern, brand new, and extremely safe. Only the best.

"Speaking of sleep, if he doesn't like the lights of the city, this remote will close the curtains, and he can completely avoid it. The baby monitor is accessible to all of your devices and can be shifted to your Bluetooth speakers. Nothing in this room can be stained, and I'm sure he'll love it. I wish I could be here to see his reaction," Miss Somers twirled her hair around her finger hopefully, and I nearly grimaced.

"Theodore and his mother will see it tonight," my jaw tightened.

"Of course..." Miss Somers fished a card from her purse, "My team and I can easily come back if you need anything else, Mr. Grey. I'll show myself out," she watched me, probably wanting me to stop her, but I couldn't wait for her to get out. I breathed easier when the clacking of her high heels was dulled by distance, and I appreciated her handiwork.

There were stuffed animals, books, and particularly trains. There were toy trains in Anastasia's apartment, and Theodore was wearing Thomas the Train pajamas. Surely, he had to like trains, right? Fuck, what if I messed up? I should have asked Ana or even Theodore himself.

Damn it.

Just as the panic was starting to rise through my veins, the security unit in the hallway buzzed. Someone just entered the code to the elevator. I checked the time hurriedly. If everything had gone right with the driver bringing Anastasia and Theodore here, they should be arriving now.

I felt like I was going to pass out. I quickly walked to the foyer where Ana and Teddy would come out soon. Should I have a drink waiting for her? I sure as hell needed one. Wait, didn't she say she didn't drink around Teddy? That's a good thing. I probably shouldn't drink around him either. But a glass of bourbon did sound amazing right now…

Before I could come to a decision, the elevator doors opened, revealing my two favorite Steele's- well, one Steele Grey. Anastasia looked… wow. My mouth dried, and I looked away to avoid staring. Teddy, as always, seemed to be filled with innocent curiosity with his new surroundings..

"Welcome, Anastasia and Theodore. I trust your ride was comfortable." Damn it, that didn't show what I wanted to at all. I should have said something else.

"Yes, Christian, it was. Thank you," Ana seemed just as nervous as me. Was this a good thing? I didn't want her to be uncomfortable around me or my apartment considering I wanted her to move here.

"Daaah-duh."

My breath hitched, and my eyes widened as I looked at Theodore. He called me Dah-duh. My heart melted and seized at the same time. I felt warm and loved and adoring and fucking terrified. I am Dah-duh. This was what I wanted, right? Sooner than I could have imagined… I just needed to not mess this up. Surely, I was capable of that.

I slowly held out my hand for him, "Hello, Teddy." He stared at me with uncertainty that made me want to cry, but once Anastasia gently nudged him, he gave me a wide smile and walked to me as fast as his shaky legs could take him. This child is so sweet. How did I have such a loving, gentle child? Right, Ana raised him…

I squatted down to be close to Teddy, finally having the chance to study his features. He looked like me, but he was lucky to have Anastasia's benevolent blue eyes. Theodore didn't see the monster within me, and I was determined that he never would. I never wanted him to know the things I've seen.

"I want to show you your room, Teddy. Would you like to see it?" I whispered, tempted to run my fingers through his bouncing curls, but is that something he likes? I didn't want to hurt him.

Teddy giggled in excitement, and I looked back to Anastasia, "How does a tour sound, Anastasia?" I offered.

"Sounds lovely, Christian," Ana smiled, and I stood, walking slowly as I lead Teddy from the foyer to the bedrooms. I watched Anastasia's expression, trying to judge her reaction. I hoped she liked it…

Maybe I should buy something older and more "homey." Or I could buy something she'd like in Seattle.

I opened the door to Theodore's bedroom and was met with a gasp from Anastasia and a giggle from Theodore.

"Twain!" Theodore toddled over to one of Miss Somers's best choices, a reading nook in the shape of a train. This was more than worth the price tag of his redecoration.

"I'm not sure I'll get Theodore to go back home after he's seen this…" Anatasia's eyes were filled with awe as she looked back at me, and pride filled my chest.

Mission accomplished.

"If you said yes, this would be his home."

To my delight, Anastasia mulled over this idea, walking towards the tablet controlling the room. I followed her and powered it on, "It's the control board. It adjusts temperatures, acts as a baby monitor, and does this," I selected one of the many buttons and watched as the curtains automatically moved away from the wall of windows to reveal the city skyline.

Theodore crawled out of his train and toddled to the window, his eyes wide as he watched Manhattan buzz to life beneath his gaze, and I began to appreciate New York City in a way I'd never before. Nearly bursting with excitement with his new discovery, Theodore held out his hands in a beckoning motion, "Maaaah-my! Daaah-duh!"

Anastasia immediately walked to him, doing her best to gracefully sit beside him on the floor. I could have just watched them forever as Anastasia pointed to various landmarks of the city, but Theodore looked back to me, "Daaah-duh." His lips formed a pout, and I realized that he really wanted me there.

I could do that… Swallowing, I went to the wall of windows and sat on the other side of Theodore, and I was rewarded with a blinding smile from Theodore.

"T'ank you, Daah-duh," Theodore held out his arms, and I felt a rising panic. What did that mean? Pick him up? Hug? Or was that just a hand signal children did? I looked to Anastasia for guidance, and understanding my confusion, she mouthed, Hug, slowly.

Right. I knew that.

I suppressed the darkness as I leaned in to hug Theodore. This won't hurt me. He's two years old. He's my son. He likes me. And I love him. I'll be alright.

Pulling Theodore into my arms, I couldn't get enough. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and his little feet stood on my knees, letting me bury my face in his copper curls. They smelled like apples and Ana and everything I never wanted to let go of. Hesitantly, I released the hug and took a moment to admire his dainty features.

I loved this child. For the first time, I understood the unconditional parental love my parents had always assured me they felt despite my doubts. This baby boy was the most perfect thing in the world, and I wanted the best for him.

"Are you hungry, Teddy? What do you like to eat?" I asked, glancing at Anastasia for another helpful hint, and I saw she was nearly in tears. She hurriedly wiped at her eyes, and Theodore answered for himself.

"Pizza!"

After two slices of cheese pizza and nearly an hour of exploring his new toy closet, Theodore's energy finally gave out. I convinced Anastasia to let him sleep in his room here, and while she put him to bed, I selected a bottle of wine for us to share. If I remembered correctly, Ana was only open with me in print and when I'd given her liquid courage.

Once I had two glasses ready, I could hear Miss Steele's high heels coming towards the kitchen, and I turned just in time to see her enter. She truly was beautiful, maybe even more so after having Theodore. I couldn't believe I'd thought she was ordinary when I first met her.

"As always, you look stunning, Miss Steele," I gave her my most charming smile and watched her blush. She still couldn't take a compliment. I needed to fix that one day…

"Theodore's room is amazing. Thank you, but you really didn't need to do all of that..." Ana's gaze lowered to her fingers.

"I wanted to. When the two of you move in, I want you to be completely comfortable, and this is the best of the best. My favorite part is the paint color, you know," I added as I offered her the glass of wine, and Ana stared at me as she accepted her glass.

"The paint color?" she repeated.

"Yes, it is a nice shade of steel grey," I smirked, and Ana's eyes widened. She stopped herself just short of rolling her eyes and laughed instead, flushing at what was probably the memories of how I'd punished her when she rolled her eyes.

Hopefully, not the last punishment.

I'd done too much. I'd just been selfish and pushed us too fast into something so brutal. I regretted it with every ounce of my being, and thinking about it soured my otherwise happy mood.

I'd had a great evening with my son. He'd loved his bedroom and approved of the pizza I ordered. In fact, he'd been so happy about it that he got me to substitute my original meal plan of salmon for a few slices of Sicilian pizza. With Ana silently coaching me along, we played with his trains, and I'd even kissed him goodnight. I was doing far better than I expected.

"I haven't changed the name just yet. My lawyer is still working on it. We have time to not include Steele. Raymond is already there after all," I suggested, and Anastasia stared at me.

"This isn't about his name having a connection to my family, Christian," Ana actually looked angry at me, "This is logistics. I am still his mother, and given that my name is Steele, it makes sense for both of the last names to be present. I don't want some idiot to act like he isn't my son because we don't have the same name."

"In New York City and Seattle, Theodore will not be the only kid to have a different last name than his mother. It is not that uncommon," I pushed the point, sipping at my chilled wine.

"It would just be simpler if his name was Theodore Raymond Steele Grey. You can add it as a second middle name if you wish, but I am not signing off on Steele being completely removed," Anastasia wasn't going to bend, and was I not completely pissed off at the entire conversation, I might have been somewhat proud of her. She had come a long way from the college girl being pushed around by Katherine Kavanaugh.

"Were you always this stubborn, Miss Steele?" my voice was edging on anger, and her expression reciprocated.

"Yes, you were just trying to spank it out of me," her words were harsh and caught me off guard. Ana seemed to regret saying it and stared at her wine glass, trying to decide whether or not to apologize.

But now I was mad.

"Are you ever going to forgive me for that? I hurt you, and I've regret it for the last three years. That didn't give you any right to hide my son from me, you know. He's two years old and is just getting to know his father. That's fucked up for all of us," I nearly growled.

"We can't undo that, Christian," Ana shook her head, "It happened, and I will never stop regretting it. I knew you didn't want to have children. I was a scared twenty one year old girl, and I avoided my problems. I'm sorry, but I can't change the past."

"Yes, we can," I shook my head, verging on desperation. We could. I knew we could, "I can learn to be his dad. We can change his name. We can move Theodore back to Seattle where he can really be a Grey, and we can just forget this all ever happened."

"That's not how it works! No matter what you do, Theodore was still a Steele for some time. He lived with me in New York and had a life. You can't just erase it all no matter how much we wish we could. You have to see that!" Ana stared at me as if begging me to see something I refused to admit existed.

She was wrong. She had to be wrong. What the hell was all of this money worth if it couldn't change the past for my son and me?

"You just want to stay here! You want to keep your job and your friends and your current life! That's why you won't move to Seattle where the three of us belong!" I abandoned my wine on a nearby shelf and watched as Anastasia fumed.

"I am not your little toy to play with as you please. I have worked my ass off to make a life for my son and me, and you can't just up and tell me to leave it! I regret the choices I've made, but you can't just use them against me to get whatever you want. This has been a hell of a fucking day, and you can't make me decide everything right now! Theodore is my son, too. Just because I fucked up doesn't mean that I don't deserve a say," Anastasia stared at me, waiting for a response.

I shouldn't off said it. It was too far. I knew it was, but I was so angry.

"I could take custody from you. With my connections, it wouldn't be hard."

Fuck.

Pure fear filled Anastasia's eyes, and the air silenced. I wasn't even sure she was breathing. After an eternity of her painful staring, she muttered the most truthful three words of today.

"You son of a bitch," her eyes watered, threatening to spill over, and I faltered. This was so much worse than when I'd punished her our last day together. She'd never hated me this much, and I'd never deserved it this much either.

Would I do it?

I could.

By the end of the month, Theodore Grey could be mine and only mine, living in the lap of luxury in Seattle. I could hire whatever fucking nanny I wanted, and I wouldn't spend every weekend on a jet. I would get everything I wanted-

"Ahhhh! Maaaaaahhhh-meeeee!" Theodore's wail interrupted everything, and without thinking, Anastasia and I both sprinted to the Theodore's bedroom. Given that Anastasia was in heels, I reached the door much faster and saw my perfect baby boy red with tears.

I could do this. I am his parent, too. Not only Anastasia can care for him.

"Theodore, please, it's alright. Everything's alright," I tried to assure him, running my fingers through Theodore's hair like Grace used to, but it wasn't working. Fuck. I scooped him into my arms carefully, but Theodore thrashed, screaming his incoherent wails.

Shit, shit, shit.

I was in over my head.

I couldn't understand him, let alone help him.

"Theo, Baby, it's just a dream. Mommy's here. Daddy's here. It was just a dream." Suddenly, Ana was beside me, her hand resting on Theodore's back as she dug through her purse to reveal a battered teddy bear.

"Buh-Beary," Theodore sniffled, slowly calming down at the sight of his mother and eventually the toy. Without looking at me, Ana scooped Theodore out of my arms and into hers.

"Yes, Beary. Your favorite," she kissed the side of his head, rocking him gently, "And Beary wants you to know that it was a bad dream and wasn't real, and he's going to protect you from all of those nightmares, alright?"

"T'ank you, Beary," Theodore murmured, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his pajamas, and he hugged the teddy bear to his chest while Ana placed him back is crib, "Mommy, song. Song, Mommy," Theodore implored.

As Anastasia began to sing a gentle lullaby, I fell back into a rocking chair. Anastasia was Mommy. She loved her son, and her son loved her. Teddy needed her, and he deserved someone was loving as her to care for him. I had the crack whore taken away, and it killed me. I couldn't imagine how horrible it would have been if I'd lost a mother as wonderful as Ana.

I couldn't take him from her… I wouldn't dare.

Hell, I loved them both too much to do it.

Once Theodore was asleep, Ana looked back at me, probably thinking about the same thing I was. Was it an empty threat, or should we both prepare for war?

"I won't take him," I whispered, worried about waking Teddy.

Finally, the tears that had been building in Ana's eyes spilled over, and before I knew it, she was hugging me. She didn't touch me anywhere other than my shoulders, and it allowed me to pull her into me and bury my face in her hair. She still smelled the same. My perfect girl…

"I'm so sorry, Christian. This is all my fault…" Ana whispered finally, and I pulled her closer.

"We both contributed to this fucking mess, and you're right. We can't undo it. I can't erase his past. I just want to be in his future," I mumbled.

"We have to do it together… Which means we both have to stop being so angry with each other and with ourselves, especially me," Anastasia told me, not moving out of my arms, "I've been so mad. I've hated you for hurting me and hated myself for leaving and not coming back. I've hated myself for using a safeword and for not just going with it. I was worried I couldn't be what you wanted. I wanted you to be happy," she laughed bitterly, and I suddenly realized she'd been thinking about it as much as I had, "I was mad at myself for getting pregnant and then for not telling you, and I was mad at you for saying all of those things about him when you met him. And I was mad you wanted me to leave New York, and I was at myself for not doing it…. I can't be a good mom if I hold on to all of that. We both have to let go."

She was right, and I hated to think of my perfect Ana so upset. I hugged her closer and took a deep breath.

"I've…" I began, my voice shaky, "I've hated myself for hurting you, for betraying your trust. I knew you weren't ready, but I was selfish. I've hated myself for making you think that I didn't want you if you didn't like my whips and toys, and I've hated myself for not giving you more like I should have. I've mad at you for not using a safeword and making me care for you. I've hated myself for letting you leave, but I thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought you were better off without me. Now, I hate myself for not trying to find you. You were too young for all this shit," I swallowed. I hadn't been this honest with anyone other than Flynn, and it was hard, "I have so mad that you hid him from me and that I don't know how to be the dad he deserves."

"Christian," Ana looked up at me, "It's hard, but you're doing great. I'll help you. We need to revisit our agreement and sees what really works. I was ridiculous and terrified of losing him, and I'm sorry. We just need time to work everything out."

"I'm not known for my patience, Miss Steele."

And then Ana laughed, genuinely laughed. Maybe talking about all of this shit was the best thing to do. We really could move on. I'm sure Flynn would have been proud.

But could we move on to the proposition I'd offered in the plane?

I hoped so…

Anastasia yawned, and I decided to put my thoughts off until tomorrow. Ana was tired, and I needed to get her to bed.

I slowly stood, scooping Anastasia into my arms as I started towards the master bedroom. To my surprise, when Ana sleepily rested her head on my chest, I didn't feel darkness. I just apples and felt warmth. I carefully put her on my king size bed and helped her out of her high heel shoes, and as she started to fall asleep, she groggily looked up at me.

"We're okay now, aren't we?" Anastasia seemed hopeful.

"Yeah, I think we are. Now, sleep. Tomorrow is a busy day. We're changing Theodore's name to Theodore Raymond Steele Grey."

Ana smiled warmly before falling asleep.

Wow, I honestly did not expect the mixed reactions to the last chapter. I really hope I don't lose readers, but I am not going to change it. This whole story is based on the principle of no character being completely right, and I hope this chapter helped bridge the gap of them first trying to understand everything and being angry to accepting what's happening. Theodore needs them both, so they have to work together. I didn't mean for Scarlet to make so many people upset either. Also, Ana asking for her name to be included in Theodore's name is not uncommon/unreasonable, and I was surprised at what a big deal that became. I'm not mad at any of you guys though! I liked the honesty (even if some of it was brutal)!

This chapter was hard to write because I wanted bonding moments and the fight between Ana and Christian. I wanted them to get so angry that they poured everything out, admitted their fears and anger, and moved on.

Also, I read finishedGreyand wanted to include some of that flair such as references to the smell of her hair, "my girl", and overall affection. I loved the book from his perspective, and I hope you guys read it.

Overall, what did you think? I hope you're not all still mad at me. Please review!