Hartley didn't get any sleep that night. His mind was far too busy, with thoughts flying a mile a minute, that sleep wasn't even an option. Even if he could sleep, he wasn't entirely sure that he wanted to. He half believed that if he closed his eyes for just a second he would open his eyes and Axel would be gone.
It was a completely terrifying thought that made Hartley's stomach roll uneasily. He had no idea how to make the thought or the feelings go away. The only thing he could do to stop himself from having a total breakdown was by tightening his grip on his sleeping friend. Just being able to feel that Axel was there and alive was enough to keep Hartley from going completely over the edge, but it wasn't able to calm him down entirely.
Axel may be alive right now, but Hartley had no way of knowing how long that would last for. It may be pessimistic feeling, but it was also logical. If Axel was suicidal, and, after yesterday, Hartley was beginning to think that that was a very real possibility, then who was to say that he wouldn't try something like this again?
If it was even the least bit possible Hartley would spend every second of every day with Axel, just to keep an eye on him, but, as yesterday had proven, that wasn't enough. Hartley couldn't just stop Axel from doing something like this again, he had to figure out how to stop Axel from wanting to do it. And Hartley knew that that wasn't something that he could do by himself.
Axel needed help, real help.
Help that Hartley just couldn't give.
What Hartley could do though was find somebody who was trained for this type of thing. Personally he knew a couple of therapists that he talked to when he was younger (his parents had insisted) and if none of them worked out Hartley was fairly certain that he could easily find more options for somebody who could talk to Axel.
That could wait until morning though. Until then, Hartley was stuck in his bed, because while he may not be sleeping, Axel certainly was, and Hartley wasn't about to leave his side. After dealing with his torturous thoughts for a bit Hartley had decided to just get his phone out of his pocket, put in his earbuds and listen to music until morning, or whenever Axel decided to wake up.
It was fortunate that Hartley was never one to get bored while listening to music, because it wasn't until late morning did he even feel Axel shifting slightly beside him. Hartley immediately paused the music, right in the middle of a good song, and turned his complete attention to Axel. "Are you awake, Axel?" Hartley asked.
Axel moaned and pulled the blanket over his face. "No." He muttered tiredly.
Hartley sighed and pulled the blanket off of him. "Don't play this game today, Axel. I have things I need to do."
"So go do them." Axel rolled over. "Just let me sleep."
"You honestly think I'm going to leave you alone for a second after last night?" Hartley's tone was somewhat harsh, but it always was when he got worried. Axel lifted his head and looked at Hartley, a slightly confused expression on his face.
"Last night?" Axel tilted his head ever so slightly. "What happened last...oh." Axel's eyes widened almost comically when his memories caught up with him. He groaned and let his head fall back to the bed again. "Can't you just forget about it, Hart?" Axel pleaded. "It was nothing."
"It wasn't nothing." Hartley said heatedly. "And I can't just forget that my only friend was going to kill himself."
"...I wasn't actually going to do it." Axel muttered. "I never do."
"Believe it or not that doesn't make me feel any better." Axel frowned at Hartley's words and drew his legs right up close to his chest. Hartley sighed. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to talk about it." At least, not right now.
"Really?" Axel's eyes were filled with so much hope at the prospect of not talking about what was wrong with him.
"Yeah, really." Hartley said with a sad smile. He knew they couldn't just avoid this forever and pretend like it had never happened, but Hartley thought that Axel needed a break. He was upset and stressed enough as it was. Hartley believed that he could give Axel at least a few hours break from life.
"Come on, I'm hungry." Hartley grabbed Axel's hand and dragged him off of the bed.
"Do you have any cereal?" Axel adjusted his hand so that the hold was more comfortable for him. Hartley raised an eyebrow at this. He had thought that Axel would drop his hand immediately, because while he was a rather physical person and loved invading other people's personal spaces, Axel wasn't much of a hand holder.
"You ask me that question every day." Hartley said in an irritated tone, even though he wasn't truly annoyed. Axel tilted his head and just looked at Hartley, who rolled his eyes. "But yes, I finally got some of that sugary cereal of yours, just to get you to stop bugging me about it."
"Yes!" Axel shouted triumphantly and actually embraced Hartley, nearly knocking him over. Hartley shoved him away, but Axel didn't seem the least bit bothered by the dismissal. He just ran off into the kitchen. Hartley shook his head and followed after him. By the time Hartley entered the kitchen Axel had already found the cereal and was looking at the options.
"I didn't know what kind you wanted, so I just grabbed a few." Hartley explained as he leaned against the doorway and just watched him.
"That's okay." Axel grabbed the nearest box of cereal and poured some into a bowl. Hartley raised an eyebrow when Axel then picked up a second box and poured some of that in there too. Axel ended up putting three or four different kinds of cereal in his one bowl, which was now almost overflowing.
"Don't you think it would be easier to just have a little of one cereal, and then a little of another when you're finished?" Hartley asked.
"Nope." Axel poured some milk into his bowl, not even caring when some of his cereal fell out of the bowl. He just picked up the pieces and popped them in his mouth.
"You're going to get yourself sick eating like that." Hartley said as he poured some cereal into a bowl of his own, though he didn't really mean it. Hartley was just glad to see Axel eating something, and willingly too.
Axel, being the very immature child that he was, stuck his tongue out at Hartley, who grimaced at the sight of half chewed food in Axel's mouth. Hartley spent the remainder of the meal completely avoiding looking down at his food, because he was not going to subject himself to Axel's childish behavior.
...Wait, why was Axel behaving childishly? Just minutes ago he had been acting as depressed as he had been for weeks now. Last night he had tried to kill himself, and yet here he was acting like his old self again. It didn't make sense, and whenever something didn't make sense Hartley observed it until it did make sense, because he liked knowing what was going on.
Hartley risked a look up and saw Axel looking as cheerful as he ever had before...except he wasn't. Axel was grinning, and it would have looked normal enough if it weren't for his eyes. Hartley had never really understood the meaning of the phrase 'the eyes are the mirror of the soul'. He knew what the phrase meant, but he never understood it, until now.
Axel's eyes didn't have that brightness to them that they usually did. Even these past couple of weeks when Axel had been feeling down Hartley had still seen a spark in his friend's eyes, though it had been dimmer than before. Right now though that spark was completely gone. Axel's eyes were dull, almost lifeless, and so tired.
Whatever Axel was feeling right now, Hartley knew that it wasn't joy or anything else even similar to it. He may be acting like he was okay, but it was just that, an act. Axel had put on a mask and was hiding what he was feeling, from everybody else, and possibly also from himself. He was pretending that nothing had happened and that everything was fine, because that was how he wanted it to be.
But that wasn't the way that things were.
"Stop faking things, Axel." Hartley said.
"I-I'm not-" Axel's grin fell slightly.
"You are." Hartley insisted. "Trust me, I can tell." Hartley had been to enough high society parties to be able to tell when people were faking it, and Axel most definitely was. Hartley just wished that he understood that he didn't have to.
"But I thought you didn't want me to be upset." Axel sounded wary and oh so confused. "You don't want me to be sad, but you don't want me not to be sad either. What do you want from me?"
"What? Axel, of course I don't want you upset, but that doesn't mean I want you faking it." Hartley didn't understand what was going through Axel's head and why he was so confused. "Look, forget about what I want. Just let yourself feel however you feel and don't worry about what other people think, okay?"
"Uh, okay." Axel still sounded like he didn't understand, but he dropped his fake smile anyways. Axel looked down at his food, which he had only half eaten. "Hey, Hart?" Axel's voice was quiet and unsure, and not like him at all.
"Yeah?" Hartley frowned.
"Um, you sang a song last night, after-" Axel trailed off unsurely. He shook his head. "I just...what was that song?"
"It's called 'Not While I'm Around'." Hartley said automatically. "It's from Sweeney Todd."
"Whoa, wait a second, there's a musical about Sweeney Todd?" Axel's eyes are wide.
"So I assume you know the legend." Hartley shouldn't really be surprised by that at this point. Axel was strangely knowledgeable about the more grotesque legends and myths.
"Of course I do. They seriously made a musical out of it?" Axel's interest was peaked now. "They'd better not have ruined it and made it all mushy."
"Trust me, Axel, you would love this movie." The songs were decent and the story was all kinds of messed up. Hartley didn't think there was anything about this show that Axel wouldn't like. "I have the movie, if you want to watch it." That would be a good way to distract him.
"Okay." Axel practically leapt from his spot on the table to plop himself down on the floor in front of the television. Hartley wondered as he put the movie in just why Axel always insisted on sitting on the floor when there was a perfectly good couch two feet away. With Axel entertained Hartley felt like it was safe enough for him to make a few phone calls.
Hartley returned to the kitchen where he could still see Axel, but was far enough away that they wouldn't disturb each other. Hartley didn't want Axel to get the wrong idea about what he was doing, so he didn't even want Axel to know about it. He knew that Axel had to learn eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later, but for right now it was probably best that he was kept in the dark.
The first therapist that Hartley called was nice enough, but the second that he heard the name Axel Walker he hastily made up some stupid excuse and hung up. Hartley frowned at his phone. Well, that was discouraging. No matter, though, he had other people he could call.
Except Hartley didn't do much better with any of the next ten therapists and psychiatrists that he called. None of them were even willing to see Axel, because they were all cowardly, useless idiots.
None of them were willing to treat Axel Walker because they all knew who he was (Hartley hadn't known that the news of The Tricksters had been that well known) and were to afraid to do anything to help him, all because of something the first Trickster had done years ago.
James Jesse had been allowed to see a psychologist, but had soon talked her into committing suicide. James Jesse was obviously a manipulative bastard, and Hartley understood therapists and psychiatrists not wanting to risk talking to him, but Axel? It was as though none of them comprehended that Axel Walker was a completely different man than James Jesse was. Just because Axel had made the mistake of following in a mad man's footsteps didn't mean that he should be condemned to a life of mental health issues.
Or, at least, Hartley didn't think so, but apparently every single therapist in Central City disagreed.
"Hey, Hart, you need help smashing that phone?" Axel's voice called out, making Hartley jump. "Because I would totally be game for that."
"I probably shouldn't." Hartley sighed and turned off his phone after yet another disappointing phone call that had given him no results. Hartley looked at Axel and was surprised to see him holding Hartley's wireless home phone in his hand. "What do you have that for?"
"Oh, Cisco called for you." Axel tossed the phone to Hartley, who caught it uneasily. What could Cisco possibly be calling for? It had sure as hell not be any more Flash business.
"What do you want?" Hartley asked with a tired voice. He was so sick of talking on the phone at this point. He was just done.
"Why didn't you tell me that Axel was alright?" Cisco all but shouted from the other end, catching Hartley off guard. And Cisco said that he had bad phone greetings. And why had Cisco been worried about Axel anyways? "You can't just hang up after saying that somebody who's about to jump off a roof is your friend. You didn't even call back to tell me what was going on. Not cool, man."
Hartley raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think this was any of your business."
"Look, I may barely know Axel, but he seemed like an okay guy when I met him, and I don't want him to die." Cisco said. Hartley hadn't even considered that anybody else would even care in the least bit what happened to Axel. "...Is he okay?"
"Well, he's alive." Hartley sighed. He glanced towards the living room where Axel had returned to watching his movie and was completely oblivious to their conversation. "I'm not so sure about 'okay' though."
"Do you think he should talk to a therapist or something?" Cisco suggested.
"What do you think I've been doing all morning?" Hartley snapped. "Every idiot I've called refuses to see him. They seem to think he's going to turn them suicidal."
"What? He's the one who's suicidal." Cisco said.
"I know." Hartley groaned. "Nothing I say will convince anybody to help him."
The other line was silent for a minute as Cisco thought. "...maybe we can talk to the cops or something. They'd probably be able to pull some strings."
"But none of them would be willing." Hartley guessed.
"Look, how about I talk to Joe about this? He'd probably listen." Cisco suggested, and Hartley actually considered it. Joe probably would be able to arrange something, and if the request was coming from Cisco he might even listen to them.
"That would probably help out a lot." Hartley forced himself to say, despite his pride. "...Thank you." It felt so wrong to Hartley to actually be thanking Cisco for something, but as much as he hated to admit it, Cisco could do more for Axel than Hartley could right now, and it meant a lot that he was wanting to help.
"Don't worry about it, man." Cisco said easily and Hartley breathed a sigh of relief that he didn't rub the thanks in his face. "I'll talk to Joe now, you just keep an eye on your friend."
"That's what I was planning on doing." Hartley looked towards the living room again. "Call me after you talk to Joe."
"Alright. Later, Hartley." With the conversation finished Hartley hung up his phone and went to join Axel at his movie.
"So, how is it?" Hartley asked, though by the way Axel's eyes seemed to be glued to the screen he thought it was safe to assume that he thought it was good.
"This show is awesome." Axel said, sounding more like his old self than he had in a long time. He looked at Hartley with wide eyes that actually had some of that brightness back in them. "There was a song about eating people." Axel giggled.
"Yeah, I thought you would like that one." Hartley chuckled. He was almost disappointed to have missed seeing Axel's reaction to the song. Hartley imagined that he had been laughing his ass off at all of the puns the disgusting song had to offer.
"Everybody in this show is so messed up." Axel turned his eyes back to the screen.
"Yeah, they are." Hartley sat down on the ground next to Axel. Normally he would sit on the couch, as it was far more comfortable, but not today. Even though he was sure his butt was going to be sore later, Hartley still wanted to sit on the ground if it meant being close to Axel, to just know that he was there.
The two of them continued watching the movie, with both of them enjoying it far more than maybe they should have. Hartley normally had very mixed feelings for this movie, but watching it with Axel made it a thousand times more enjoyable. Axel's interest in the show was absolutely contagious.
Hartley knew that all too soon the movie would be over, Cisco would call back with a report on what Joe had said, and their messed up life would continue on from there. Right now though, Hartley was just glad for the break, for the chance to feel like things were normal.
He just hoped that things really would be back to normal eventually.
A/N: Alright, change of plans. Originally there was just going to be one more chapter from Axel's point of view, one right near the end, but I have decided that maybe the next chapter should be about Axel. So, yeah, now you guys are getting two more chapters that will delve into Axel's thoughts. Doesn't that sound like fun?