This chapter touches on: Under the Influence, Walk on By, Threshold of Pain, Beyond the Pale

Chapter 1 Betrayal – Part 10

Dying was easy, living was hard. It would have been too easy to withdraw back into myself as a defense mechanism. I had done that many times before, when I first entered Section, after the death of Simone, and during the long months when I wasn't sure if Nikita was alive or not. However, I had already made the decision to live. I owed it to myself, Adam, and Nikita to make an effort. That didn't make the transition any easier. At times I felt like a tortoise stripped of its shell, exposed and bleeding.

Madeline had once told me my ability to compartmentalize and split off my emotions was unhealthy and may cause a break down in the future. I took her advice with a grain of salt since I learned so many tricks of separating my emotions from thoughts from her. I had lived too long alone and no man is an island, entire of itself. (quote: from John Donne)

I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I was slowly opening up to the possibility of friendships. Nikita and I would go out for coffee a few times in the next few months. Sometimes we would sit in silence enjoying the outside air. Sometimes Nikita would tell me about her days and the latest antics by her new neighbor Mick Schtoppel.

Since she already breached Section protocol and discovered my place of residence for the second time in as many months, I asked her to help me decorate the place. I found out more than I needed to know about her eclectic sense of style. I tended toward rustic well-worn pieces of furnishing in shades of brown with function in mind. Nikita tended toward architectural abstracts with a modern sensibility. She talked me into adding a bit of color to the apartment, but I put my foot down firmly on a white lacquered sofa in geometric shape she fell in love with. I acquiesced when she found an old claw foot tub for the bathroom. I pointed out that I never took baths since showers were more functional. She threatened to knock down all the walls in my apartment including the bathroom walls if I didn't give way.

Walter and Birkoff, whether led by Nikita's example or they sense I was more approachable, also offered friendship in their own ways. Walter and I would go to a local biker's bar near his apartment. I haven't allowed myself to get drunk for years and I was unable to stop the habit of hyper vigilance restricted myself to a few beers. It was amusing to watch Walter get drunk and attempt to hit on every woman in sight. Inevitably I had to haul his old bones back to his apartment. It was the first time in years we spent any significant time together, especially after Walter saw me supposedly carry out the cancellation order on Nikita. After a few repeat performance of watching Walter get drunk, flirt shamelessly, and carting him home, he drunkenly forgave me one night.

Walter (slurring): "I's so mad at you for letting sugar die. I blamed you but I shouda been gunning for the higher ups n'stead. I know you didn't have-a choice. You're not a bad egg Michael. I'm glad you're back in the 5% club."

Drunken rambling aside, I was glad that Walter had let bygones be bygones.

Birkoff, being as much of an insomniac as I, would challenge me to play video games in his quarters. I prefer more intellectual games to mindless shooting games. We compromised by splitting the time spent between his video games and chess. It was his awkward way of reaching out, but I appreciated the gesture.

I also spent hours with Madeline playing chess. It was her go to method in trying to evaluate my psyche. We had spent hours playing the game when I first came to Section One and we would take up the game for years afterwards. I never did know how much of my psyche Madeline manages to glean from our games together. Sometimes I think she just wanted to play and haven't found a worthy opponent willing to play against her who was unafraid of reprisal in the event she lost.

I thought about the difference between the two people who had the most impact on my training in Section. Jurgen had preferred Go, which called for players to strive to serve both defensive and offensive purposes and choose between tactical urgency and strategic plans. Players must master concepts such as initiative, influence, and the proper timing of moves to be successful at the game.

Madeline's preference for Chess reflected her strategic preferences of setting and achieving long-term goals while tactics concentrated on immediate maneuver. While there are no pawns in Go, in Chess pawns are often used and sacrificed to achieve the endgame. To achieve endgame requires a lot of strategy and a thorough understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of the pieces left.

I thought both games demonstrated how each of them approached life inside Section. The preference of game by both master strategists had influenced my approach to mission profile and tactics.

My progress to re-enter life was slow and not without pain. Sometimes Section or events outside of my control would intrude and force me to revaluate my decision. When Nikita was taken and replaced with an imposter, it was a painful process to separate my emotions from intellect in order to carry out what needed to be done. In the end, to allow Section time to locate Nikita and get the rescue team out to her location, I had to fool myself into seeing her imposter as Nikita herself.

It was surreal to see what looked like Nikita strapped to a chair in the White Room bearing the red marks left by the interrogators. It fit too closely with the many nightmares of the real Nikita ending up in the same situation if she failed to live up to Section standards. I couldn't even watch as they executive the imposter. I was glad to see Nikita's humanity was still intact when she refused to execute the person who stole her identity.

As difficult as it was fooling and having to sleep with Nikita's imposter, what I had to do to Nikita for the Perez mission was excruciating. I knew I was repaying her kindness and offer of friendship by brainwashing her to fall in love with a terrorist. I knew the tentative steps toward a relationship with Nikita took a giant step back when I followed Section edict and aid in her manipulation. I remembered the confrontation as if happened yesterday.

Nikita: "what do you think you are doing?"

Madeline: "What do you mean?"

"You manipulated me. I slept with him!"

"We had to make sure your cover stayed intact."

"So how long was this going to go on for, huh?"

"You'll have your own emotions back when this is over. In the mean time, don't fight it."

Madeline: "Come in Michael. Nikita and I have finished our debrief."

Nikita: "You knew it all along didn't you? Don't you ever get tired of being their errand boy Michael?"

I deserved every recrimination she flung at me and warranted much more. The sting of the slap was much less than what I had earned. Nikita's next words explained as nothing else how she had managed to survive in Section.

Nikita: "That's courtesy of my own free will."

Madeline and I just looked at each other then. Free will was an illusion neither of us subscribed to after years in Section. I didn't even have to voice my opinion. Madeline already knew what I was thinking.

Madeline: "You were right Michael, we should not have pursued chemical adjustment as an approach."

Michael: "Nikita performs best when she's scripted. She doesn't deal well with being manipulated."

Madeline: "I'll take that under advisement."

I went to Nikita's apartment after the closure of the Perez mission. I wouldn't have been surprised had she slammed the door in my face.

"Michael."

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah."

"I came to apologize."

"I need more than apologies Michael I need answers."

"What would you like to know?"

Nikita was close to tears: "How could you do this to me?"

"I had no choice."

"That's not good enough."

"No it isn't. What do you want from me Nikita?"

"I need you to try to act like a human being for once and think how these little games, these little manipulations could impact me."

"I do think about that."

"But you still did it anyway."

"Yes."

"Did you hesitate at all?"

"Yes."

There was a long pause as we stared at each other.

"Will you promise me one thing Michael?"

"If I can."

"Will you promise me never to help them manipulate me like that or if you can't at least warn me?"

"Yes."

"Thank you."

It was weeks after the end of the Perez mission and my promise to Nikita before I made another overture of friendship. I wasn't surprised that Nikita turned down my offer to spend a day together. I was happy that she seemed pleased by the offer. I was glad when she came to me for help.

Nikita: "I uh…I need a favor. Something from my old life's come up."

Michael: "What?"

"My mother."

"What about her?"

"She's been looking for me. She doesn't believe I'm dead."

"How close is she?"

"She had an indirect connection to someone at MI-6. I severed it. But she'll keep trying."

"Have you talked to anyone in Procedures?"

"No. They'll take extreme action. I want to protect her, Michael."

"What do you want me to do?"

Nikita had asked me to break Section policy. Section had cancelled operatives for less. However I remembered going to see my sister and her son. I knew for her to ask me she needed to protect her mother and also come to term with her. It wasn't a hard decision to make.

Nikita: "How did it go?"

Michael: "She's closer than I expected. She wasn't just relying on the investigator. She has other sources."

"So what do we do?"

"She's not going to stop until she finds you."

"I know how this has to end. I'd just like to see her first and, uh…talk to her."

"You know this can't happen."

"Why not? Because they tell us it can't? You know that my whole life I – I lived with a mother that was a drunk. She couldn't hear me, couldn't talk to me…But the other day, when I saw her, it was like I saw her for the first time and all those horrible things…just gone. I've never seen her like that. Please…Let me do this. Please. She needs me to forgive her. That's why she's looking for me."

There was no subterfuge between us. Her heart was in every word she said. She was hurting from the pain of growing up not truly knowing her mother. She needed to see her mother one last time or a little part of her would wither away. I couldn't deny her pain and knew I had to help her. "I'll find a way."

Nikita got to say her goodbyes and to find out that her mother truly cared and loved her. I remembered what she said after the Helen Wick mission: "You know my real mother would have let them keep beating me. She would let me die."

If there was any doubt about breaking Section procedure to help her gain closure with her mother, it was erased with this memory.

"Michael…I just wanted to…say thank you. That's the kindest thing you've ever done for me. Thank you."

She shocked me next when she gifted me with the lightest of kisses. Not only that, but the forgiveness I read in her eyes as we looked at each other through the window, eased some of the sorrow I felt for hurting her before.

During Nikita's training and early years as an operative, she had a knack for getting herself into situations that could get her killed. I had run interference for her too many times to count and Madeline had helped dissuade Operations from outright cancelling Nikita on more than one occasion. Walter had joked to me about Nikita's nine lives. I didn't bother correcting him that it was more like 29 lives by my count. I was thankful that Nikita's luck held and we managed to retrieve Nikita and Mark from Black March.

I came upon Walter beating himself up for the team's capture. "Walter, I need you to take a look at this timer. Walter?"

"It was my fault."

"What?"

"The Black March Mission. The sights read high, I warned the team, but I should have made the adjustment."

"Why didn't you?"

"Wasn't time…but I should have made time."

I knew if Walter continued down this train of thought, it would end up tormenting him and could break a man. I did what I could to ease his guilt.

"A lot of things went wrong on that mission, the sights had nothing to do with it."

"You don't know that, rounds flying, split second decisions, the smallest glitch could ruin everything. What's happening to me, first I almost blow everybody up and now this?"

I had no response to this. I looked at Walter, really looked at him for this first time in years and realized with a pang that Walter was getting older. One day he would no longer be around or be forced to retire and Section would become even more dreary and impersonal than before. I had never been good at trying to ease someone's conscience. I walked away feeling ineffectual.

I had a reoccurring nightmare of Nikita being strapped to the chair in the White Room waiting for cancellation. When Nikita's imposter was cancelled, it hit a little too close to home. When Nikita was sent to abeyance for giving up the location of a substation, I couldn't think beyond ways to get her out of this situation.

Nikita: "So who do they believe?"

Michael: "They don't know."

"Well thanks for coming, but I don't see how you can help."

Her attitude stunned me after the hint of closeness we formed dealing with her mother. I can only guess that she was hurting after trying to be a friend to Mark.

"They located Black March, they're sending a team. I'll have Crachek brought here alive. Just tell me what you want him to say."

"I want him to tell the truth. That Mark gave up the substation."

"Fine."

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"I do believe you."

Nikita didn't need to ask whether I believed her or not. While Nikita was compassionate and empathetic to Mark's pain, she would never have broken under interrogation at the risk of risking the lives of Section operatives. She had learned her lesson the hard way years ago when she broke under the Red Cell Interrogator.

Michael: "Birkoff…I'm inserting a mission parameter."

Birkoff: "This late?"

"Yes. I want Crachek alive."

"That's not consistent with the profile."

"Then alter the profile."

"Does Operations know about this?"

"Just do it Birkoff."

Over the past few months Birkoff and I have formed a tentative friendship during our late night gaming sessions. We had gradually developed a mutual respect and a certain level of trust. While before he might have done what I asked out of fear, now he did out of trust.

Birkoff: "All units listen up, we have a new parameter. We need Crachek alive. Re-station alpha team 100 meters to the north."

Female Op: "Birkoff, we can't change the profile now, it's too late."

Birkoff: "Well we're just going to have to deal with it."

Michael: "Good."

Dealing with a psychopath like Crachek was an exercise in self control. Every time he took a crack at Nikita and pretended like he knew what I was thinking made me want to squeeze the life out of him. Of course he would probably thank me that too.

Crachek: "You're here to turn the screws, if you only knew what a complete waste of time that was for both of us."

Michael: "You held two operatives, one of them told you the location of a substation, who was it, the man or the woman?"

"Who would you like it to be?"

I echoed Nikita's words to me. Michael: "Let's start with the truth."

"You look like a man with a vested interest, who would you be trying to protect, bet it's the woman. Sorry, she was the one who broke."

I started day dreaming about all the numbers of way I'd like to kill this man. However, Crachek was no use to me or Nikita dead. "You're lying."

"Prove it."

Using a portable shock device on Crachek only caused him to kiss it and thank me. The interrogation specialists couldn't make much head way with him either. Probably one of the few times the duo had failed.

I decided to change my tactic and offer him an incentive along the lines of what he did recreationally for fun. "Do you want to live?"

"Not especially."

"We could use you."

"For my expertise in torture?"

"Yes."

"I might be interested if I thought I could trust you."

"What do you have to lose?"

"How will they know I'm telling the truth?"

"Give the details, tell them everything that happened, they'll know."

"You really want the woman to live, don't you? Too bad, she was the one who broke."

I made a last play to get the truth out of Crachek. Since he enjoyed inflicting pain and he believed he could cause the maximum amount of damage by implicating Nikita, I allowed him to think he'd won. Only after he thought Nikita had been cancelled did he begin to crow his triumph.

Crachek: "No wait, it's all coming back to me now. It wasn't the woman who broke, it was the man, yeah. Shame it's too late."

Nikita came into the room then. She was defiant and vindicated, but also sad that her kindness was repaid with betrayal. I was thankful that I wasn't the one who had to betray her this time. I could only hope this latest incident did not finally extinguish the compassion that was her core characteristic and that so many of us depended on. Her sincere thank you was worth all the efforts spent the last few days.

I hadn't been ready for a relationship. The last few months Nikita and I have slowly been building a friendship. However, the close call on Nikita's life, the developing trust on both our parts, and mutual understanding of each other's boundary have slowly made me become aware of the desire for more.

When Operations approached me outside Section surveillance regarding the mission to entrap Zalman and needing my help on developing a profile, I factored Nikita into the equation. When he quizzed me about her inclusion, I mentioned the widespread rumor in Section of our supposed relationship. I convinced him that Zalman would be suspicious if I had left her behind. My real reasoning was that I wanted to spend time outside of Section getting to know her without the ever ceasing eyes of Section watching us.

This wasn't the first time Nikita held her gun to me. At least this time it wasn't in anger. "Michael. What's wrong?"

"We're getting out."

"How? It's impossible."

"I'll explain, get dressed."

I waited on the balcony where there was no Section surveillance equipment.

"What's this about?"

"It's for a mission. I'll fill you in once we get out."

Nikita: "How long you think will it take them to know we've got the field router."

Michael: "Once we use it, they'll know."

"Then they'll come after us?"

"That's right."

"Michael are you running away because you lost a post to Zalman?"

"In Section, you either move up or move out."

"I understand that Michael, I just don't understand why you need me."

"I don't need you. I want you."

I spoke the truth. I was gradually coming to terms with my need for Nikita.

It was all too easy to escape from Section surveillance with the aid of the router. We made our way quickly across the rural area to put distance between us and our last known coordinates. On the way I filled Nikita in on the mission parameters.

"So the goal is for you to get captured and give up my location? Michael what if you get hurt?"

"Operations will ensure that Zalman doesn't get too carried away."

"So what do we do in the mean time?"

I didn't answer her because I didn't know either.

The evening together was better than I had hoped. I was pleased that Nikita felt comfortable enough with me to rest her head on my lap. It had been months since we really had a chance to talk ever since the manipulation I carried out for Section. We fell back into a rhythm of comfortable silence and easy conversation.

I sensed tension from Nikita as the night grew longer. Finally we made our way up to bed.

Nikita: "How is this going to work?"

Michael: "We can be careful, take things slowly."

"There's another option, I mean, we can live the day like it's our last."

"It very well could be."

We both lay down on our backs then staring up at the ceiling. For an inexplicable reason I needed to touch her. I took her hand and held it between us. I heard Nikita sigh in contentment and slowly fell asleep.

I was reluctant to leave her the next morning. I had no way of knowing how quickly Zalman could find us and I needed to make sure we were not taken together or the mission would fail. I left the serenity of the farmhouse and straight into the arms of Section.

The torture at the hands of Zalman, while unpleasant, wasn't any worse than I'm used to. His method of torture spoke volumes of the type of man he was. He was afraid of getting his hands dirty, which was why he chose to use electroshock controlled by a remote. I was still debating the best approach at making it believable that I would break since none of his approaches so far would convince his audience. I should have known the ever diabolical Madeline would have come up with the perfect incentive for me to break.

Zalman: "A very impressive showing Michael…. Oh that reminds me, before you do die, there is something I'd like you to take a look at, special presentation Michael, a live feed just for you."

I hadn't seen Adam in over 6 months. I drank in the sight of him playing soccer, looking like a happy well adjusted boy. His hair had grown longer and the concentration on his face reminded me so much of when he played video games or when he was practicing Karate. I could barely pay attention to what Zalman was saying. I had to close my eyes to refocus on the mission at hand and to take the next step in the sequence.

Zalman: "I know you hate me, Michael. I mean when you're someone like me, you try not to be too concerned about what other people think. So hate me, until your dying breath if you must but you may not want to take that dying breath until you're absolutely sure that your son is safe from the likes of me. Game over Michael, where's Nikita?"

Michael: "She's at the farmhouse, 5 km, southwest of town."

Once Zalman had thought he'd won, it was all too easy to trick him into showing his hand and betraying Section. The man who had tortured me with such glee didn't even wait until he was strapped into the chair before he started telling everything he knew.

Nikita invited me over for dinner as repayment for the dinner I had prepared in the farmhouse. I noticed that Nikita had purchased the same piece of music she played on the record player. For a brief second I fantasized that we were still at that serene place, free from Section.

Michael: "Dinner was wonderful, thank you."

Nikita: "Well it wasn't as good as the meal you cooked at the cabin."

"I liked it there."

"You know it can't be casual between you and me. I can't do that."

"I know."

I knew what she was asking for. To grab the opportunity and really commit to being together. I hadn't been ready for a relationship, but I'm slowly starting to realize I wanted more.