11-8-2004

Happy Wednesday!

And by Wednesday, I mean Wednesday Addams. Meaning, unhappy. After all, Wednesday is the worst day of the week.

Okay, that's misleading. Today wasn't too horrible. It was just kind of weird. Mello wasn't acting all asshole-ish like he normally does. It really kind of put a damper on my sarcasm and sadism receptors. But hey, if he doesn't beat Near up, that means he's less likely to be expelled, which means I'll still be able to see him.

Words cannot explain how much I love bugging Mello. I poke and prod at him and make fun, but we both know I don't really mean any of it. He's the one I can tell what I think about all of the other kids here. I can tell him, guy to guy, that I think Linda is absolutely gorgeous in that white blouse she got for her birthday. He can agree. True just kind of goes, "Sure, whatever, honey," pats my head and goes back to whatever it was she was doing.

But Mello. Mel, when I can pry him from his homework, can be so great. We can sit there and laugh together. At least, for a while. I've never actually gotten him away from his work long enough to warrant any real bonding, but I can still see it happening. It'll happen, and soon, too.

It's fun just to be around him though. With him, I know what all of those girls feel like when they're hanging out with that guy. I don't really care how many cute girls are in Wammy's. I have to admit it, the more I think about it, the more I can't imagine myself emotionally bonding with a girl. Fuck buddies? Oh yes. But an actual relationship? Then again, it's kind of hard to see myself with anybody seriously, for an extended period of time. But I actually want to get to know Mello better than I do now. I want to be the one he confides in. I want to be the one he can rant to or the shoulder he can cry on.

Crap, I'm starting to sound like the narrator of some crappy romcom now. Whatever.

To be completely honest though, I'd really love to switch rooms with Blare. I'd give up my single room to be able to wake up and have Mello there. Hell, I'd probably give up smoking to have that. I think what I really want is to be lying there in bed, across the room from each other, whispering into the darkness. We'd have tone of those uber-deep conversations that solidifies our trust in each other, that lets us feel comfortable enough to tell him about my perfect fuckstorm of a childhood, and he'd tell me all about his. I want to crack that hard shell of his.

I want to climb into bed with him. Not in that way, but you know. I want him to let me feel his hair as I curl up with him. I want to feel the heat of our bodies together and I want to feel his breath on my face when we fall asleep entangled in each other.

This is getting really bad.

These pillows stacked up around me suddenly feel very cold.

I'd never admit any of this out loud, of course. Not even to True. Especially not True. Much as I trust her with some things, I'd never hear the end of it from her. She'd scoff at me and ask me if I was on my period, then she'd whisper my own words to me in the middle of class until I either blush or punch her.

I don't think I'm crazy. Why would I be, for just wanting to be with someone who also happens to have a penis? Really, though, that shouldn't matter. At all. All I want is to be everything I mentioned before, to do it all with that one person I might be able to emotionally stand for more than a week. I'll never really know what he wants unless I just come out and ask, but something tells me he still thinks he's into girls.

I've mentioned it before, he can rarely, if ever, attract girls.

Only one time did that ever happen. Once, about this time last year, he was involved with this girl I talk to occasionally, Kit. I don't see her too often since she's a year younger than us, but she's still really nice. She's that blonde girl who just looks like she's happy with everything. She's never had that outright self-loathing thing going on like every other girl I know. It's like…she sees everything from another point of view than her own. She can compliment her own work on projects in an earnest manner, without being conceited. At the same time, she can pick out clear cut weak points. She has that completely objective mindset that I think everybody wants.

But anyway, in short, she's great. I know that Mello had this huge crush on her back then. It was clear as day. But it was also clear that she liked him back. It's relationships like those I look at and just wonder what they're fucking on to not realize the other person's feelings.

From my view from afar, it looked like everything was going well for them. Kit told him that she liked him and they were all cutesy for about a week. You know, the whole twelve-year-old holding hands and giggling thing.

Unfortunately, that was also exam week. Mello was so stressed out about testing that semester. He had spent most of his time with Kit, up until my unfortunate (but very fortunate for me) incident that got girls and boys completely banned from each other's rooms that happened to occur that same week. He didn't study as much as he usually did.

Now, I saw it all coming, so I compensated. I knew, just by his stupidly oblivious look when he strolled into the classroom that he wasn't going to do as well as he normally did on this test. One would think the opposite would be true, that his relaxation would allow him to dig deeper and actually ace the test and kick Near out of first.

I had hoped that would be the case, but I know Mello. He actually has to work as hard as he does to maintain his grades. Anyway, it was pretty obvious from his look when he got the test that he wasn't sure about at least three or four different answers, and I watched him sit there all worried and stressing when he simply could not understand this one problem.

I'm totally not a stalker; I was just interested in orphanage drama. Call it an addiction.

Anyway, I missed a couple extra questions on the test just in case, and when test grades came back, I was right. I got a 97, Near got a 100, and Mello got one point lower than his usual 99. Kit was there with him, and he totally blew up in her face. It was kind of comical to watch, but it was also pretty depressing. Kit avoided him for the next week and then just didn't talk to him after that. It was a low blow, even for someone as emotionally jaded as Mello.

But maybe I'm the pot calling the kettle black. I shrug.

So anyway, the moral of this story is that Mello did at one point have some attraction to females. I'm aiming to change that. I really want to cuddle with him… huuuuh, shit.

Un momentito, por favor.

I have been beckoned to play flashlight tag. Finch somehow felt that I would enjoy crawling around outside in the pitch black with flashlights.

…Only if Mello comes. I'm gonna go grab him, then. Wish me luck!

It's nice and toasty in the closet.

~Moi

A/N: I totally love Matt's little crush on Mello. It's so adorable I can't write enough of it. TT~TT

Anywho, happy Black Friday! Hopefully you all had a very nice Thanksgiving for my American readers, and if not, I hope you had a nice Thursday. :)

I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing; you don't know how much I squee with joy with every piece of feedback I get. ;3

Thanks again!

~Rachel