Chapter 10

"Kaylan! Kaylan, wait!" Sarah called out, as she ran towards the retreating figure.

Instead of slowing down or stopping, Jill picked up her pace. Seeing this, Sarah took off at a full-out run, her long legs allowing her to catch up quickly.

She grabbed Jill's arm and swung her around to face her.

"What did you say to him?"

Noticing that a few people were staring in their direction, in response to her outburst, she grasped Jill's arm roughly. She ignored Jill's hiss as she inadvertently pressed down on one of her bruises, and pushed her into one of the unoccupied rooms.

"What did you say to him?"

"It's none of your business, Eve."

"Chuck is my business. If whatever you said hinders him on his road to recovery, you'll have a lot to answer for."

"I did what I had to do."

"What. Did. You. Say. To. Him?" She asked threateningly, enunciating every word carefully.

Although the scare tactic had little effect on her, she answered truthfully. "He asked me if our relationship had been real."

"And?"

"Does it matters?"

"Of course it matters! Whatever you said to him caused him to break down!"

"I told him that the relationship had been real to him, and that was what was important. What did you expect me to say?"

Sarah closed her eyes briefly after hearing Jill's answer.

"You should have lied. It's what we're trained to do. He doesn't need to hear that – not after everything that he's been through."

"What purpose would that have served?"

"It would have made him feel better! He was captured and tortured because of something that connected him to you!"

"I couldn't have prevented that. I had no way of knowing."

"Well, you could have prevented what you just did to him! You basically told him that his whole life with you had been fake! He loved you. Part of him probably still loved you… and you threw that in his face!"

Sarah stopped yelling and turned away as her words filtered through her anger. She realized that, ironically, she could be yelling all of these words to herself and most of them would have applied.

"Why did you do it?" Sarah finally asked, her voice both calmer and softer.

"I had my orders."

Sarah really looked at Jill's face for the first time since chasing after her from Chuck's room. From the expression on it, it dawned on her that Jill might not be as detached from all of this as she had first assumed.

"What orders?"

"My orders from Director Graham."

"What did he tell you to say?"

"The bare minimum. He said to be as honest as possible about my time at Stanford – at least in relation to my recruiting efforts for the agency."

"Recruiting efforts?"

"I was part of a collaborative team aimed at assessing potential candidates into the CIA recruitment program. I worked under Dr. Fleming."

Sarah's brows furrowed at this new information.

"What about Chuck?"

"Director Graham told me to let him down easy."

Sarah laughed humorlessly at this. "Easy… right. There's nothing easy about any of this."

"No, there really isn't."

The two women shared a look. After a long pause, Jill broke the silence.

"The director said that it was for his own good."

"It seems that we say that a lot when we deal with Chuck," Sarah murmured.

Jill nodded absently, not sure what else to say.

"So, was it real?"

Jill did not have to ask what Sarah meant. As Sarah looked into Jill's eyes, she saw the moment that the façade dropped. Her eyes became bleak and an expression of long suppressed longing entered them.

"It doesn't matter. It can't matter." Jill sighed heavily. "This is the life I chose. There isn't room for anything real."

"What about him? Don't you think he deserves the truth?"

"If there's anyone in the world that I can think of that deserves to know the truth, it's Chuck. He was always the most open and…" Jill's voice stumbled.

Sarah nodded slowly.

"But it's my orders. It's procedure."

"Don't you ever just get tired of it?" The words were out of Sarah's mouth before she could stop them.

"Some days. Like today. Other times… other times I don't even think about it. This is what I'm trained to do: Follow orders. Do what has to be done."

Sarah looked out onto the streets below, seeing the highway from their vantage point. She watched as the cars streamed by and wondered what it would be like to have a normal life.

The silence stretched as each woman was caught up in their own thoughts of 'maybes' and 'what ifs'.

"Chuck will get over this. He has something at his core that will see him through. It's just part of his nature… it's hard to describe." Jill said a little helplessly.

Sarah smiled sadly, knowing exactly what she meant.

"I have to go. Tell Chuck…" her voice trailed off, at a loss of how to finish the sentence. "Just tell him that I'm sorry."

Jill began to walk away. Before she reached the door, Sarah called out, unable to stop herself.

"How did you do it?"

This time, Jill paused, unsure of what Sarah was referring to.

"Do what?"

"Walk away from him. That first time."

Jill swallowed audibly, and for a brief moment, her eyes filled with regret. But then it was gone.

"My assignment was over. It was time to move on."

Sarah remained silent and Jill turned again to leave. As she opened the door, she turned around one last time.

"It was the hardest thing I ever had to do."

"Then why are you doing it again?"

"The same reasons. I don't have a choice."

Sarah watched Jill walk out the door with her shoulders slumped. She followed soon afterward.

Each woman walked the long hallway, in opposite directions. One walked away from the man that had held her heart and the other, towards that same man, the one that she could never give her heart to. They both knew that they were lying. Lying to Chuck. Lying to themselves.

They had never hated themselves more for following procedure than they did at that moment.

A/N: Finally... the confrontation between Sarah and Jill! I know that the chapter is a bit shorter then the last two, but this seemed like a good place to end it. Hopefully I was able to capture their conflicting emotions without being too over the top.

I hope the confrontation met expectations and you enjoyed this chapter. As always, comments and reviews are welcomed and appreciated!