Chapter 10 Late Autumn Sun

Draco had been awake for a while now. He kept glancing at his both arms, desperately trying to clench his fingers on his left hand which still refused to take orders from him, and the right arm that was now completely healed thanks to Potter.

He was concerned for his left arm, the faint Dark Mark had looked suspicious during the night and he had no idea what that meant. He was worried his left hand would be permanently paralysed and he barely dared to breathe as Madam Pomfrey came to see him and started explaining her results of examination,

"Did you sleep well?" The nurse enquired.

Draco nodded; he was impatient to know what was wrong with him.

"So I examined your wound and it seems to me that there was an old curse laid upon you. I suspect the person had meant the curse to be deadly but you are very lucky, my dear."

Draco's throat was dry and his voice was hoarse, "What happens to my arm?"

Madam Pomfrey smiled calmly, "Your arm will hopefully be fine. As I said, you are very lucky. The curse that was used is so old that there isn't any knowledge about an antidote, or how to stop the poison from spreading all over the victim's body but to me it seems that your Dark Mark has had some sort of a charm planted in it which stopped the poison from spreading. Some of the poison might've slipped through it, as I thought you were being exceptionally unbalanced emotionally last night but to me it seems like the Dark Mark has dissolved most of the poison and your left arm is only temporarily out of function as some of the poison has not yet dissolved. It is in my greatest hopes that you will be as whole as before when you leave here. How does that all sound?"

Draco released a relieved sigh, "That sounds… promising. How long do I have to say here?"

The woman shrugged a little, "Well I thought it would be in your interest to stay here until your arm has recovered completely. I should hope it won't take more than a day or two. If it hasn't recovered in the next few days, then I might have to start looking for a new solution."

Draco nodded, "Okay, that would be alright."

Madam Pomfrey simply smiled and right then Potter opened the door and stepped in. Madam Pomfrey turned to look at Potter and smiled,
"Good morning, Mr. Potter. Do come in, dear. I'll be on my way now."

Having said that she marched away leaving Draco in a weird, uncomfortable silence with Potter.

Potter walked silently beside Draco's bed and asked, "How are you feeling?"

Draco shrugged, he felt uncomfortable and nervous, and he also felt ashamed by how he had reacted last light when Potter had saved him from the coffin.
He could remember the things he'd been shouting, about how Potter is his only friend and whatever; he wished he could take it back. Everything he'd said was true but Potter really didn't need to know all that.

"Did she find out what's wrong with your arm?" Potter asked with a calm voice.
Draco looked at him and then his injured arm, the bugger still refused to take any orders from Draco.

"Yes. Apparently the Dark Mark saved my life. She thinks I might be alright in a couple of days or sooner." Draco muttered.

He looked at Potter, who was wearing a dark green t-shirt and muggle like blue jeans. The colours suited Potter and as the sun was rising outside, the light made Potter's eyes stand out behind the glasses.
Draco liked the way Potter's unruly hair always looked like the boy had just had wild sex in the broom closet. Potter looked very shaggable and nice, and made Draco feel like there was a snitch fluttering inside him.

"The Dark Mark saved you?" Potter asked and frowned a little.

Draco raised his chin a bit in defiance; he really didn't need Potter to remind him of his life before the war and all that. Draco had spent a lot of time trying not to think about any of that. Draco sounded like he knew everything about what was going on as he said,

"Yes, it stopped the mysterious poison from spreading and my arm should be fully recovered soon."

Potter gave a weak, hesitant smile and muttered, "Good. I'm happy to hear that."
Then he hesitantly sat on the edge of Draco's bed and asked, "How are you feeling otherwise?"

Draco sighed and muttered, "Alright, I guess."

Potter's eyes were running along Draco's arms and when he met Draco's eyes he asked, "Did you know the person who attacked you?"

Draco shook his head and said, "I have no idea, I didn't see anyone. I just felt a spell hit me; I fell and lost my consciousness. When I woke up I was in the… coffin."

He swallowed and tried not to think about the coffin, it was hard to believe he was still alive.

Potter frowned a little, "Do you have any idea who might want to do something like that to you?"

Draco shook his head again, "No but I don't understand the whole thing. Why did they leave me on the school grounds? How did you find me?"

Potter glanced at Draco's wand that was on the bedside table, "I was wondering the same thing and I assume whoever it was got scared away as the teachers came out and started to look for them. And I found you because I found your wand and made a tracking spell on it."

Potter looked at Draco and smiled a little. The smile made the snitch somewhere inside Draco flutter fiercely, he felt like jumping all over Potter and kiss him and touch him, all he managed to say was,
"You saved me. Thank you."

Potter's smile got a little bigger, "You should thank your wand too. I think it called me somehow."

"It did?" Draco's voice was higher than usually and he glared at his wand. How dare his wand be all over Potter too, this was unbearable.
Why couldn't Draco just forget Potter and try to concentrate on something else.

Potter would never forgive him, Potter was probably just happy because he surely knew how Draco felt about him. Draco wondered whether Potter could see it, was it shining through Draco's eyes, revealing everything, telling Potter all kinds of things which Draco left unsaid?

He still wanted Potter. No matter what he'd done, no matter if Potter never forgave him. He wanted Potter and he would pine away if he wouldn't get him.
Potter was the only thing that made him feel alright and made him feel his life was worth living – which it really wasn't! But Potter made it all seem fine somehow.

Potter made the loneliness disappear so efficiently Draco felt horrible all the time when Potter wasn't around and talking to him.
If Draco only got Potter all to himself, then he would be happy and never complain about anything ever again.
If Potter would eventually reject him, or mock him for his feelings, then Draco would let himself die, he wouldn't care about living if he didn't get Potter.

He tried to push the thoughts away from his head and muttered, "Well my wand must like you very much then."

Potter blushed and turned his head away. It made Draco smile before he understood Potter must've been thinking about something else than the wand on the bedside table.

It made Draco swallow and mutter, "When can we talk?"

He didn't know if he wanted to talk about what had happened between them but he really wanted to be with Potter, if it meant talking and solving things then so be it.

"I'd rather talk when you get out of here." Potter answered.

Draco knew that already but he wanted Potter to stay here and he feared Potter might only return after Draco was better.
What if Draco had to spend days in here without Potter? No, he didn't like the idea at all.
He almost started to bite his fingernails but Potter gave him a glare so Draco dropped his hand back on the blanket.

"Fine. Although I think we could talk while I'm here since I have absolutely nothing else to do right now." Draco muttered.

Potter looked at him for a while, Draco felt like wrapping his arm around Potter's neck. Why couldn't Potter just hug him like he had last night?

"Alright. Well… uhm…" Potter clearly had no idea how to begin the conversation but Draco didn't blame him. Draco began to twist the blanket between his fingers suddenly embarrassed.

Potter cleared his throat and muttered, "I really don't know when it all started or anything. All I know is that when I came to… you that night to tell I couldn't find our bottle, you got very angry. I didn't really understand the things you said, so… what did you say about me humiliating you? I haven't done anything like that on purpose at any point."

Draco could feel how his cheeks warmed up and he didn't dare to look at Potter so he kept twisting the blanket, staring at his fingers. He tried to give an answer,

"I assumed you knew about…" He didn't know how to continue so he looked up and glanced around to make sure they really were alone before he returned his gaze on his fingers and whispered,
"about me being hard around you and… I thought, since you didn't say anything, I thought you found it amusing or something. I thought you might deliberately get us into situations where it happened again, and… well, I thought you did it on purpose. To laugh at my expense."

He glanced quickly at Potter but the Gryffindor was staring at his own fingers.

Potter said,
"I had no idea. I didn't do anything on purpose, and I definitely wouldn't have laughed at your expense. Why would I? Something like that could just as easily happen to me."

Draco shrugged although he didn't know whether Potter was watching or not, then he replied,
"Well I assumed you knew since I thought it was obvious."

Potter muttered quietly, "I don't blame you for thinking I might think it's funny because I've spent a lot of time thinking about where we are standing right now. I really have no idea what… we are."

Draco wasn't sure he understood what Potter meant so he asked, "What do you mean by that?"

He could clearly see how Potter became more nervous, Potter clenched his jaw and answered,
"I mean I thought we're not… enemies, or… whatever we used to be. Instead I've been wondering if we are becoming friends or… what? What are we?"

Draco didn't think they were enemies either, but certainly they weren't friends. He replied truthfully,

"I don't know what we are."

Potter raised his eyes and turned to look at Draco so the Slytherin held his gaze.

Potter asked, "Do you still hate me?"

Draco shook his head slowly but couldn't form any words.
He felt like answering he wanted Potter so much the hate was long ago buried somewhere far underneath the want.
The old animosity just sometimes erupted like a geyser if he felt like he was being trampled on. Would he be able to explain that to Potter somehow? He had talked about being hard and all that, so of course Potter knew he wanted him.

He was just about to ask Potter why the Gryffindor would even think Draco might hate him when Draco had so clearly told him he wanted him but Potter managed to ask first,

"Then why did you do what you did? Why would you do that if you don't hate me?"

The way Potter's eyes got that small flash of anger and hate made Draco flinch. He tried to think but everything he thought about sounded like a lame excuse.
He didn't know! He wasn't sure if he had done it because he was so mad at Potter, or because he wanted Potter so much he couldn't handle it that night – he wasn't sure anymore.
Why had he done it? All he could remember was Potter's sobs.

Draco tried to think but his thoughts were turning into a panicked mess and he barely noticed he had begun to bite his non-existing finger nails when Potter said,
"Stop doing that."

He was startled by Potter's firm voice and quickly dropped his hand on his lap.
He tried to speak, "Look, it's difficult to explain."

He glanced at Potter and could see the hidden anger behind the green eyes. Draco felt like it wouldn't matter what he said, Potter would never believe him anyway and no excuse was good enough.
He wanted to disappear but if he did then he would be somewhere without Potter and that wouldn't be any good.

He couldn't look Potter in the eyes although he wanted to, "I think that… I don't…"

Shit, this wasn't going good, Potter would probably leave if he couldn't get the right words out now.
He knew it would be the end of the world if he let Potter go now. Potter would hate him if he didn't answer something good right now.
Where were his Slytherin manipulation skills when he needed them the most?

"Stop doing that." He jumped at Potter's voice and even more so as Potter grabbed his hand which had somehow ended up on his lips.
He was so startled he almost pulled his hand away from Potter's but instead he clenched his fist into a tight ball and let Potter wrap his fingers around Draco's wrist to keep it away from his devious teeth.

Draco gulped; why was he this scared Potter would leave now? He wasn't ready for the loneliness! He wasn't ready for its cold tentacles that wrapped themselves around Draco at nights so that it was hard to breathe and he felt so cold and lonely it was pure torture. He needed Potter.

He swallowed hard and tried to talk, "Look, uhm… this is really difficult."

He looked at Potter but Potter seemed a little less angry now so Draco said,
"I know you're angry but if you want to hear it, then let me speak and… don't leave in the middle of my sentence."

Potter looked serious but nodded. Potter's fingers felt warm and nice around Draco's wrist. Especially because the hold was firm, it felt safe, as long as it was tight then Potter wouldn't be going, Draco thought.

Draco swallowed once more before he braced himself for whatever outburst of anger Potter might get,
"I… I think I snapped because… you turned your back at me and I thought you'd just once again humiliated me and…I don't know, I can't remember it that clearly. I just snapped."

Potter held his gaze and Draco didn't know what to do or say, he felt like he was lame and corny and he didn't want to be like that.
It was the truth, he didn't have any good excuse for what he'd done, he had simply snapped, and it all sounded ridiculous now. He muttered,

"I wanted to hurt you because I thought you had deliberately tortured me. I don't have any better excuse. I don't know if you already realised this but… all that backfired too, I've been feeling so awful about what I did." Draco swallowed.
He talked like this so rarely that right now he could almost feel the words peel off his skin and leave him bleeding.

Potter's fingers were burning his wrist now and Potter didn't let go although his gaze dropped on the bed, away from Draco's face. It made Draco say,

"Like I said, I'd do anything if you could forgive me. I regret it and I'll never forgive myself for doing that to you. I'm sorry."

Draco could see Potter swallow and the Gryffindor's eyes shifted onto Draco's wrist where his fingers were holding it tightly. Draco didn't know what else he could say so he simply waited for Potter to say something.
Potter didn't say anything for a while so they sat in silence which Draco thought felt alright, but it would've been better if Potter just said something, anything.

Finally Potter's fingers unclenched around Draco's wrist, letting it go but Draco's fist unclenched itself too and his fingers automatically wrapped around Potter's wrist now.

Potter was clearly thinking about leaving and he looked at Draco's fingers but Draco's hold was loose. Potter could go if he wanted to.
Draco spoke but it came out like a whisper although he hadn't meant it to come out like that,
"Will you forgive me?"

Potter closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them, he looked at Draco and clearly studied his expression, as if to see if Draco had meant what he'd said.

Potter muttered, "I'll think about it."

Draco hadn't expected anything greater than that but still he felt disappointed. He opened his hand so Potter could pull his wrist free.

Potter got up and Draco felt so hollow he felt like asking Potter to stay. He was certain Potter would never return and he'd never look at Draco again, Draco's reasons were too vague.
He'd done something he could never get undone and he'd ruined what was left of himself completely.

Potter's voice was hollow too when he said, "I'll see you around. I hope your arm gets better."

Draco nodded, trying to make it as polite as he could while thinking he wanted to jump down from the bed and jump at Potter's neck and beg him to stay,
"Thank you."

Potter left quietly and the unbearable loneliness attacked Draco as soon as the door had shut behind the Gryffindor.

*****
Potter didn't come back the next day, which was Wednesday, and that made Draco even more certain everything was over between them. Potter wouldn't forgive him, and Draco would be invisible to him.
The loneliness was eating him up on the inside, making him feel like there was no point in trying to get his life back on the tracks.
He didn't have a family; he missed his parents, the manor, the money, the status he used to have, the social contacts even if he hadn't been that close with those he had called his friends, and also his school grades were way too low right now, although he was supposed to get the top grades if he ever wanted to even dream of getting a job.

It wasn't easy for an ex-Death Eater. Potter was all he could concentrate on, all that made him feel better, and without Potter he didn't have any interest in trying to pull himself back together again.

Early on Thursday morning Madam Pomfrey came to him and asked him how he felt. He clenched his fingers on his left hand, they moved almost normally now, and Madam Pomfrey allowed him to leave. He decided he'd attend the lessons on Friday as he didn't want to go to the classes before his left hand was back to normal.

He didn't know what he should do. He was bored, and he ended up walking up to the Astronomy tower and spent many hours there, just staring at the landscape with an empty gaze.

When he was finally about to leave, Potter was suddenly there, appearing out of nowhere.

"Potter." He gasped because he was surprised both by Potter's presence and also the fact that Potter was staring at him with an unreadable expression and not leaving as soon as he saw Draco.

"Can we talk?" Potter asked, and Draco wasn't sure his voice would work so he simply nodded.

Potter came right up to him and sat on the nearest window sill, and Draco sat next to him, feeling bewildered.

"I've been thinking", Potter muttered and glanced at Draco.

The sun was setting already; it went down quite early this time of the year as if into hiding from the late autumn's sharp wind.
The faint rays of the sun made Potter's hair look soft dark with hint of gold and warmth, Draco felt like reaching out and brushing it with his fingers but refrained.

Draco didn't dare to say anything so he simply watched Potter's hair and facial expression as the Gryffindor didn't seem to know where he was supposed to look but in the end he stared at his own hands which were loosely crossed in his lap.

Potter said, "It seems to me that I can't decide how I should feel about all this. Some moments I'm thinking I want to forgive you and at times I feel like I simply can't. Does that make any sense?"

Potter glanced at Draco and Draco really liked the way the sun hit Potter's eyes, giving the green an unrealistic warm glow.

"Yeah, it does." Draco said but the devious autumn breeze rushed by and caught his words, making Draco's voice mute.
Draco frowned a little in annoyance but it made Potter smile a bit, and the way Potter' eyes seemed to warm up even more made Draco turn his head away for a moment because it was impossible to try not to smile too.

When he had managed to force his expression blank, he looked at Potter again, and Potter was still smiling as he said, "Good. There's something I need you to do for me."

Draco raised his eyebrows, "What's that?"

Potter's smile disappeared and he asked,
"What are you doing tonight? Could you meet me tonight in front of the Room of Requirement? Around eleven perhaps?"

Draco nodded without hesitation and as the curiosity was blooming inside him, he asked,
"Yes, I'll meet you. What do you want me to do?"

Potter looked Draco in the eyes and clenched his jaw a bit. Draco bit his lower lip which still hadn't healed properly although it was a bit better now. Potter muttered,

"I'll tell you when we meet."

Potter looked at Draco for a moment longer before standing up and leaving. This time the loneliness stayed away, Draco was looking forward to the evening although he had absolutely no idea what Potter had in mind. He felt quite good, Potter's eyes had felt so warm and good, and Draco liked the colour a lot.

I'll do anything he wants me to do; he thought and turned to stare at the setting sun. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He felt like living was alright right now.