Chapter 10

APOV:

Gail fixed us a chicken sandwich as Kate poured herself some juice and sat beside me.

"I don't know where to start, Ana…there's so much you should know. But you should be hearing most of this from Christian. I am only telling you this because he never would, and its time you know what's been happening around you." she says.

"It's nice to hear you both are getting along now." I smile for the first time in months.

She smiles back at me, "don't get me wrong. He's still an egocentric control freak! That's never changing. Do you know how much security he has following everyone around? It really drives Mia crazy. But everyone knows not to argue with him in this matter." She sighs.

She looks at me, trying to gauge my emotions before continuing. "He's a mess Ana. He'd started drinking too much. About a month after you came back home from the hospital, Elliot got a call from Taylor in the middle of the night. Taylor was frantic, wanted to know if Christian was with us because he couldn't find him." I gasp! I had no idea he'd gone missing. No one told me anything. But then again everyone had given up on me.

"Elliot didn't want to worry Grace. So we decided to search for him before we told her. We split up. I went with Taylor and he took Sawyer. We were driving around like crazy for hours, looking for him in bars, at his office, everywhere. We couldn't reach him on his phone. Then Taylor had the idea of going to your new house, the one Elliot was renovating. And we found him there. Curled up in one of the bedrooms…drunk out of his mind."

I see so many emotions pass through Kate's eyes and she pauses for what seems like several minutes before she continues. "We had to rush him to the hospital. He had to get his stomach pumped…" I gasp again. The tears keep flowing easily now.

I was so self-absorbed, so lost in self-pity that I failed to notice all of this... I failed my marriage vows.

"Ana, we keep checking in on him, but he's lost without you. He hasn't talked to Grace or Mia in weeks. He only talks to Elliot and me because I am persistent. He needs you Ana. And you need him too! Now that I'm pregnant, I understand what you have lost and I can't imagine the depths of your grief and despair. But Ana, both of you can get through this only with the help of each other. You can't do this alone." She says soothingly.

Oh god! Why have I been so selfish?

"How did you find out about Elena?" I ask her between sobs.

She holds me gently and strokes my hair. Then she continues after a while, "He told me about everything the next day in the hospital, before he was discharged. He told me about how he treated you when you first told him about the pregnancy. And he told me about bumping into Elena. Ana, he didn't go to meet her intentionally. She just walked into the same bar he was in and they started talking. He never told her about the pregnancy either. And Ana, he had realized that he loved the baby before all that shit with Hyde happened. He was on his way to you from Portland, even before Sawyer called. The room we found Cristian in, that night, he said he had wanted it to be the baby's nursery."

No! I can't bear to hear this. I pushed him away for so long. I messed up so bad!

"He found a print out of your ultrasound in your purse. He carries it around everywhere. He blames himself for the miscarriage." Kate says.

By now, I can't stop my tears. This is so wrong. We were so happy. And now I have put him through so much pain. And not just him, the entire family. Will they ever accept me?

"Oh Kate, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry for hurting you and everyone! How do I fix this?" I sob while I hold onto her.

"No, don't apologize Ana. You were hurting. You didn't know any better. In fact I shouldn't have lashed out at you this morning. I'm sorry about that." She says trying to soothe me.

After I calm down a little, she says, "don't fret too much. We all love you so much. Everyone will welcome you back with the same love they had for you before you spiraled down. We all understand. Especially Grace. Just don't shut us out anymore! We are here for you. All of us. Let us help you through this." And I finally understand, none of them ever gave up on me. I just gave up on myself. Everyone else was simply giving me space and time to grieve.

I'm so glad that Kate came by today and intervened. I would have never realized any of this without her. I would have never found out about Christian's pain.

I hug her tightly "thank you Kate. Thanks for not giving up on me."

We sit together for a while talking about old memories from college and so many other things. I didn't realize how much I'd missed my best friend.

In the middle of our conversation, she gets a text and as soon as she reads it, she starts beaming. Her smile is infectious. And for the second time in months I find myself smiling again. I bet it was Elliot who messaged her.

When she looks at me, she hesitates a little before asking, "Ana, I have a doctor's appointment today. Would you like to come with me? Elliot will meet us there" Oh!

She wants me to accompany her! Can I do this? It would only bring back too many memories of my first ultrasound, me seeing Blip for the first time.

But I guess it's time to accept that Blip is no more. It's time to accept that there will be no more Blip 2 or Blip 3. It's time to be strong. I'm sure if Blip was here, he or she wouldn't want mommy to be so weak.

"Yes Kate I would love to! After all I'm going to be your Maid of Honor. I better start following you around and helping you out." I tell her with a smile, though my tears betray me. And I see my emotions mirrored in her eyes.