Chapter 10: Realization
December 2, 2014
Lukas would have doubted any degree of procrastination would fall directly on him the day he was off of work and free to do what he pleased, which would usually consist of housework and Netflix. That Tuesday happened to be the last day off before Tino's birthday party (or the day Tino has an excuse to assemble everyone and drink to his heart's desire.) If meeting up with Berwald and Tino during Black Friday shopping hadn't reminded him, the said procrastination that had fallen onto him that morning at about 9:30 a.m. would have. But Lukas was smart and avoided that sense of fear relating to forgetting one of his dearest friends' birthdays and had gotten him a gift already. Mathias, though, had succeeded to forget about it until, Lukas assumed, that morning.
It wasn't like it was the first time Lukas had woken up to Mathias crashing onto him from above, screaming nonsense until he either demanded him to be silent or by pushing Mathias off of him and leaving the room. But this time, Lukas knew exactly what he was fretting about as soon as he heard the words 'Tino' and 'Birthday'. He stayed silent as Mathias shook his shoulders, and when he calmed down some, Lukas sat up and assured his roommate that he had been awake and he has been, for the past minute of being attacked, ready to hear what Mathias needed to say.
"I don't know what to get him." Mathias spoke, actually in words.
"Tino's easy to shop for," Lukas told him, yawning. "He always talks about things he wants in detail, too. I got him a new PS3 controller and a lollipop, and Berwald got him a blanket. He says he's been having issues with his TV, and he likes knives and shit for some reason." As he spoke, Mathias continued to give him a helpless look. "You have been friends with Tino for as long as I have, and this isn't even the first time you had to buy a gift for him."
"But Lukas," he pouted. "I need you to come with me." Lukas sighed as Mathias waited for a reply. He sighed again and frowned at him.
"I have chores to do."
"I'll do them after we get back." The suggestion was rash, Lukas felt like he didn't put much thought into it, but his face was in determination and he showed no sign of regretting his negotiation.
"All of them?"
"Clean the bedrooms, wash all the sheets, sweep the kitchen and bathroom, dust and vacuum, throw out left-overs, take out the trash, do the dishes, cook dinner, and clean up afterwards."
Lukas' eyes widen by the fact Mathias had named off his to-do list and then some. He probably had thought his last minute shopping plan a little better than I thought, he told himself, and I can't just pass up on the opportunity to take the rest of the day to relax instead of doing chores.
"Okay, I'll come shopping with you."
Lukas expected Mathias to want to drive all the way to Seattle, but he surprised him when he said he wanted to walk to the Brookdon Mall instead. Even on foot, walking to the mall would take less time than driving to the closest mall in Seattle, but Mathias otherwise had no excuse to not want to take an extra few minutes to drive there. Lukas didn't feel the need to question it.
The snow had stopped falling by early that morning, leaving the skies clear and a fresh layer of flakes on the ground. As Lukas followed Mathias out the front door, he found himself happy he was going for a walk instead of being driven.
The two stepped onto the pavement and began walking out of the apartment area. The streets were quiet other than the couple of cars slowly driving by or the very few others walking nearby, either to work or just being out like Mathias and Lukas were.
As they walked, Lukas gazed up at Mathias, noticing he was breathing out of his mouth to purposely see his breath show up for a brief second in the cold air. He would breathe out, and smile as if he was a child experiencing the trick for the first time. It was so childish and Mathias-like that he couldn't look away.
Mathias took notice of him staring and looked back at him. "What?"
"Nothing," Lukas felt one corner of his lips pull up into a small smile. He looked away, grinning even bigger. Mathias laughed some.
"Seriously, what?" He asked in a joking manner. Lukas forced a frown at him; Mathias leaned over and breathed in his face.
"Stop that," Lukas pushed him away, a huge smile took the place of his forced grin. Mathias pushed back, amused. They spent the next few seconds slapping each others' hands away before realizing, though there were only a few people around, they looked like dorks fighting out in the open.
"So," Lukas changed the subject soon after. "At least you didn't wait until the day before."
"Yeah," Mathias scratched his head. "And it was a good opportunity…" He was interrupted by Lukas' phone ringing. He stayed silent as he removed it from his pocket and looked at the lit-up screen.
1 new message: Banana with Attitude
"It's Tino," Lukas told him, opening the message.
"Probably about his party." Mathias suggested. "Or he wants to hang out."
From: Banana with Attitude
Hey are you busy
"Yeah, he probably wants to hang out."
"That's too bad,"
To: Banana with Attitude
Yes, why?
His phone went off again, not even a full minute after it was put away.
From: Banana with Attitude
Drop your plans
"He wants me to cancel my plans." Lukas uttered.
"Tell him no." Mathias sighed, hiding his hands in the front pocket of his jacket.
To: Banana with Attitude
No
From: Banana with Attitude
Do it
To: Banana with Attitude
If you know what's good for you then I would suggest not making me drop my plans. I'm with Mathias, and we're shopping.
From: Banana with Attitude
Boo you whore
To: Banana with Attitude
Boo to you too, sweet cheeks. Now can you tell me what's up?
From: Banana with Attitude
I need to talk to you. It's urgent.
To: Banana with Attitude
You're starting to use periods. That urgent? I'm sorry but we're either going to have to postpone this meeting or you could text me about it.
From: Banana with Attitude
Boo!
To: Banana with Attitude
Is Berwald busy? Can't you talk to him?
Lukas watched as the message sent, thinking. Tino would always go to Berwald about his problems. Unless, that is, it was about Berwald. Lukas felt both worried and excited.
From: Banana with Attitude
No…
Bingo, Lukas thought.
To: Banana with Attitude
Can you handle yourself for just a few more hours? I'll call you when I get home.
From: Banana with Attitude
Thanks Lukas!
Lukas put his phone away, wondering about what Tino needed to talk about. Did Berwald do something? Was Tino concerned about him? Did he finally realize he has a slight drinking problem? Does he finally realize Berwald has liked him for ages? Lukas could only hope, as he has since he noticed it was going on. And he could only hope Tino shared the feeling mutually, but that wasn't any of his business.
"What's up with Tino?" Mathias asked, gaining Lukas' focus instead of his thoughts about Berwald and Tino.
"I don't know, he said he needs to talk about something and he won't go to Berwald about it." Mathias gave him a wary, confused glance.
"Do you think it's about Berwald?"
"Of course, that's the only reason he would go to me first about something." Lukas shrugged. "Realization has probably hit him, it's about time."
"What do you mean?"
Lukas turned his head and looked straight at Mathias. "You know what I mean."
Mathias thought for a second, then shook his head. "Have you guys been keeping a secret from Tino? And me? Seriously, I'm really lost here."
Lukas grabbed his shoulder, pulling Mathias down to his height. "Did you not realize how Berwald has been completely captivated with Tino for the past year or so? Because I sure have." Mathias eyes widen as he held in a gasp, Lukas sighed angrily. "Mathias, really? You didn't notice?"
"I had no idea," Mathias rubbed his chin. "I didn't think Berwald was interested in others that way. I mean, he only shows interest in weird soups and his mom."
Lukas frowned again. "You know how Berwald does those computer repairs sometimes?"
"Yeah, what about them?"
"When you got that virus, how much did he make you pay?"
"50 dollars."
"Berwald removed the viruses on Tino's computer, organized his documents, and backed everything up for free."
Mathias nearly screamed. "Berwald's head over heels for Tino!"
The two journeyed to the Frozen Zone entrance to the mall. Mathias would usually get ice cream upon entering, but since the shop started offering coffee, he felt the need to taste it.
"One caramel latte, please!" He told the lady, smiling kindly.
The lady at the counter turned to Lukas. "And for you?"
"A regular, with mint, please." He answered. She prepared their coffees and they paid, exiting the shop soon after. Lukas blew on his coffee, taking a test sip. It wasn't bad, just different than he was used to. The flavor wasn't as explicit as Mathias' coffee he drank almost every morning, and he never quite liked the packaging compared to mugs…
Mathias laid a hand onto the wrist of the hand Lukas had his coffee in, bringing it up to his mouth and taking a sip. "I like that mint." Lukas slowly took his cup away from him.
"Ask next time."
"Sorry, you want a sip of mine?" Lukas lifted his hands up to take the cup from him, but Mathias held the drink near his face, bringing the opening to his mouth. Lukas reached up, putting his hands around the curves of the cup and tipping it up. His left hand covered Mathias and as he took a drink. He tried avoiding Mathias' eye contact with him. Mathias kept his eyes on him, smiling. Lukas felt his hand start to shake some as it touched Mathias'. He could feel his face burn up.
Instead of focusing on his suddenly conflicting reactions, he paid attention to the latte. Like the mint coffee, the caramel latte didn't have the same thrill as Mathias' made coffees had. He started to question if maybe Mathias just catered towards his milk/sugar preferences or maybe they just lacked flavored.
Lukas slowly pushed the coffee away from him, swallowing. Mathias was still looking at him, waiting for a response.
"You're blushing." Mathias pointed out, laughing subtly. Lukas felt himself heat up more from the comment.
"I…" Lukas looked down, not knowing how to explain himself and not knowing why he why he was reacting that way over simple hand touching in the first place. "I think I can take a drink by myself,"
"Sorry," Mathias laughed. "What are some things Tino needs or wants? We could probably knock this out in a few minutes." Lukas thought back to his counter-conversations with Tino for the past month as they began walking through the mall.
"Probably, there are several movies he told me about last week that he wants to see…"
"That sounds good enough-"
"And he wants more flannel shirts…"
"No, that's my thing! I'm not going to encourage him to take-"
"And there was that one thing about pocket knives…"
"Movies, Lukas, let's get movies."
"A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, Airplane!..." Lukas began naming as Mathias stood next to him, examining the piles of movies in front of them. "To Kill a Mockingbird, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Help, The Great Gatsby…" Mathias continued to stare at the movies. "Come on, just grab a few and let's go." He grumbled.
"I know, but I also want to get him one of those weird movies." Mathias told him.
"Like what?" Lukas glanced over the movies.
"Like this." He picked up a movie labeled 'The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra'. "This one is a classic."
"I think we should tell him how amazing it is." Lukas took the movie from his hands. "This is perfect."
Mathias picked up a few movies that Lukas had suggested and went to check out. After that, they agreed on where to eat for lunch and left the store.
The purchased a couple of sandwiches from the food court and sat down at a table. The food court-and mall in general-wasn't at all crowded so they could hear the music from the radio. Lukas sat comfortably in his seat and ate his sandwich slowly while Mathias finished his a little too fast.
"Anywhere you want to go before he head home?" Mathias asked after swallowing his food.
"I don't believe I have any more shopping to do but…" Lukas looked at him with a serious expression. "I think you can use some more clothes."
"What's with you and my clothes?" Mathias droned. "I have plenty of clothes, you know!"
"Unzip your jacket." Mathias shook his head in response; Lukas set his sandwich down, leaning across the table some. "Mathias, unzip your jacket." Mathias irately undid the zipper of his jacket, revealing a faded t-shirt underneath.
"Where did you get that shirt?"
"Uhhh…"
"Thrift shop?"
"…"
Lukas sighed. "You could at least look for better quality things."
"It's not that bad," Mathias removed the jacket, showing the rest of the shirt. "Cheap, comfortable, and good quality." He picked up his drink and took a sip, eyeing Lukas some. "I'm starting to think you just want to dress me up."
"It's not that…"
"Really, Lukas? I see you wear shirts like these, you know."
"To bed."
"If I agree to get new clothes, will you admit it?"
Lukas thought for a minute. "Sure." He looked away, avoiding Mathias' pleased grin.
"I get to choose the store, though."
"Fine."
After throwing away their trash, Mathias and Lukas headed to Threads. Lukas wasn't too fond of the store besides being able to dig out a shirt or two for a good price, and their jeans suited him well, though he would rather shop at a bigger store in Seattle for those. Inside, Mathias went straight to the clearance section. Lukas followed him and picked up a few striped shirts.
"I don't like stripes." Mathias spoke, pointing at the shirts. Lukas shrugged. "I'm kinda in charge here; you can at least try them on."
"Okay, fine." Lukas continued to look throw shirts, not noticing Mathias had walked off. He was searching for a size large when a solid white peplum was tossed in front of him.
"I think you should try this on." He didn't have to look at Mathias to know he was holding in a laugh. He could hear it in his voice.
"Find me a tank top." He muttered, throwing the blouse over his shoulder and continuing to search through shirts.
"Huh?"
"This shirt is translucent; I need something to wear under it."
"Oh." Mathias left Lukas again and came back with a tank top, giving it to him and taking the clothes picked out for him to try on. He was escorted to the dressing room and left to search through Lukas' choices. Some were plain shirts with sleeves that reaches the elbow and consisting of plaid or striped patterns. Lukas didn't stay with the usual red color scheme that he usually chose when it came to him, but with more grays and whites in the collections.
Mathias tried on the plain shirts, and liking how most had fit, set them in separate piles. Next, he tried on ones with stripes. When he looked in the mirror, he realized they weren't as bad looking as he thought. "Hmm." He muttered to himself. "I should ask Lukas to go clothes shopping with him more often."
"Hey," Lukas called from the other side, knocking on the door to the dressing room. "I've been out here in this peplum for over a minute, you know."
"Oh!" Mathias replied, looking away from the mirror. He slightly opened the door and looked at Lukas.
Even with a shirt that was see-through enough to see the tank top underneath, Lukas still managed to look casual in it. This wasn't much of a surprise for him; of course, Lukas had worn dresses in plays when he was into acting in high school and would look casual in them nevertheless. He just wanted to see if Lukas would be willing to try dressing feminine as an adult, never mind looking great and confident while doing it.
"What? Does it look funny?" Lukas looked down, messing with bottom part of the blouse.
"No, I just couldn't do that myself."
"Not with that attitude."
"I don't think I would look good in women's clothes."
"Mathias. This shirt is on me. I'm a man. It's a man's shirt now." Lukas looked down and observed it. "And no, I don't think a peplum would suit your size… We can probably try a sweater, though."
Early that afternoon, Mathias and Lukas walked home with five shirts, three sweaters, three long-sleeved shirts, and a peplum.
Lukas unlocked the apartment door, entered, and set his bags on the table. Emil was nowhere to be seen. He pulled out his phone and checked the time, confirming that it wasn't yet 4, the time when Emil usually got home from school.
Mathias set his bags down and stretched out his arms. "Don't get comfortable, you have chores to do."
"I know, I do." Mathias stopped stretching and put his hands on his side. "I guess I'll start with these bags."
"I'll take care of them." Lukas reached to grab one; Mathias put his hand in the way.
"No."
"Yes," Lukas slapped his hand away.
"No." He didn't quite expect himself to be lifted into the air and be slung into Mathias arms. After he flailed about midair as two hands grabbed his sides, and almost cussing impulsively, he realized what had happened and he was looking straight up at him. Mathias was holding him-bridal style.
"Put me down." Lukas commanded, his face pressed against the front of Mathias' jacket. He could smell the cologne he had gotten from his dad that last Thanksgiving, and he was glad he didn't pile it on as he usually did.
"Okay." Mathias ran to Lukas' room, kicking the door open and tossing him onto his bed. "There."
Lukas didn't move from the spot and position he had landed in. "Thanks."
He lay in the bed afterwards, resting his head on the pillow as Mathias left the room, came back in, cut the tags from his new shirts he had gotten, hung them up and left him again.
He finally had free time that day, and he realized then he didn't quite know what he wanted to do. Watch Netflix as usual? Find some DIY online? Find something to eat and play on the internet? He began to doze, thinking about them.
He abruptly remembered him and Tino's text conversation from that morning. He jolted awake and quickly pulled out his phone. Tino hadn't sent him a text after that, to which he could assume he was being patient. He dialed his number and pressed his phone to his ear.
"Hey," Tino greeted when he picked up.
"Hey," Lukas shifted around to get comfortable on the bed. "Are you able to talk now?"
"Yeah, hold on." Over the receiver, he heard footsteps and what he assumed as Tino sitting onto a bed or couch. "Okay, now are you able to talk?"
"Yeah," Lukas agreed. This was the first time him and Tino were about to have a conversation privately in a long time, usually things would get personal. Lukas quickly got up and closed his door, lying back on his bed. "Alright, what's up?"
"I don't think you're ready for this, I don't think I am myself."
"You said it was urgent. And you know I'm not going to react badly."
"I know, I know. But this is crucial and would probably affect all of us." Tino spoke, in a serious tone. "And by all of us, I mean everyone we work with, too. Mathias, Emil, Nathan, Berwald." His voice got louder when he mentioned Berwald. "I am so sorry."
"Just tell me what it is."
"How do I tell Berwald I like him without fucking up our friendship and our casual work environment and relations with everyone else?"
Lukas knew all of this was probably spurted out. Tino had probably planned this conversation beforehand, and when he spoke that reply, he probably decided he didn't want to explain it in that manner. He more than likely wanted to say 'Lukas, I have a crush on Berwald and I don't know how to go about it.' Lukas understood his worries completely, of course, and honesty. He was even thinking his feelings through and was concerned with the atmosphere they had at the coffee shop and was, not considering, but planning on telling Berwald how he felt.
Lukas thought of how he was thinking over his feelings for Mathias. He had the same worries as Tino, though he never once considered telling him, or anyone for that matter. He kept his feelings locked deeply in him, and wasn't until then that realization had hit him.
He was admitting to himself that he had romantic feelings for his best friend, roommate, and boss. But it wasn't the time for that; he had things to discuss with Tino.
"What casual work environment?" He asked. "You mean the place we go to everyday that our boss tried eating a spoonful of cinnamon and ended up coughing it out and choking in front of our customers? I think we can handle you and Berwald dating."
"Yeah but… I don't know Lukas."
"I understand."
"I've thought about it for a long while, too. Berwald's really different from most of the people I've dated in the past. Not that they were bad or anything, I mean I've just known Berwald for a really, really long time and I still want to be the way him and I are right now. And he has a kid, too!"
"You already act like Peter's parent, Tino. And you aren't technically going to declare partial ownership of the kid by asking Berwald out. I'm sure at this point if you guys dated, it wouldn't be so different. Just you call hanging out with him dates, him your boyfriend, and friends don't usually suck face."
"You think Berwald is into that?"
"Probably."
"I guess you're right. But, do you think Berwald would even like me back?"
Lukas felt the need to laugh, knowing that Berwald did like him, but he couldn't just tell Tino. That was something Tino needed to experience realizing himself, probably when he admits his own to Berwald.
"I don't know, you're the one that can usually tell what he's thinking." Lukas replied.
"I don't know either."
"I think you should find out."
"But I'm scared." Lukas frowned, oh this guy! All he could do at this point is continue to encourage him.
"I really think you should go for it. Tell him exactly how you feel, don't even filter yourself. Maybe grab his shirt and pull him down to your level when you do." Tino laughed at this.
"I'll think about it."
"Good." Lukas took a deep breath, expecting the conversation to be ending at that point.
"And another thing."
"Hm?"
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable by asking this but…" Lukas felt his heart start to pound, expecting Tino to continue but he paused.
"No, it's okay." He knew what was going to come next. Tino was going to ask about Mathias. Lukas took a deep breath, telling himself that he wasn't going to lie to Tino, and that he will finally mention that elephant in the room.
"Do you know how to clean up blood from carpets? I didn't murder someone but Hanatamago kinda went in heat and I didn't find out until I saw blood on the carpet. I put a diaper on her so…" Tino went on his ramble while Lukas sighed silently in relief. He proceeded to explain the process of how to clean up the stain.
"Thanks Lukas!" Tino said, happily. "I probably should let you get back to what you were doing, sorry I took so long…"
"No it's okay."
"Well I shouldn't have…" Tino began his apology speech. Lukas listened in and continued to tell him that it was alright. He continued to think about what he was meaning to say much earlier, if the question wasn't about blood stains.
"Alright, I'll hang up now." Tino laughed.
"Wait."
Tino went silent on the other line. "Hm?"
"I probably should… Say something."
"What's wrong?"
No going back now. "It's about…" Lukas put the phone down, listening carefully. He heard the sound of dishes being stacked and Mathias' humming in the kitchen. He put the phone back to his ear. "It's about Mathias."
"Oh, uh, what?" Tino didn't suspect a thing.
"I kinda…" Out with it. "I like him."
Tino laughed. "I knew it."
"What?"
"I'm really kinda surprised you two aren't already together. Like, come on Lukas. But anyway, sorry, go on."
"I shouldn't."
"Don't say that Lukas." Lukas didn't respond. "You're in the exact same situation only with a different person and you told me to pursue it."
"That's because it's you and Berwald, not me and Mathias." Lukas sighed. "I live with Mathias, and he's my boss."
"That's crazy already, but everything is fine like that. Just like you said earlier." Lukas went quiet again. "How long have you been thinking over this?"
"I don't know, maybe when the dreams started."
"Hm, dreams?"
"Yeah, weird, vivid dreams. I have them more often than not, but sometimes I forget them. The ones I do remember are weird because I'm with people I know or feel like I know, but in places I've never been but I feel like I've been to. Does that make sense?"
"Kinda, like you're a different person in their universe, and you recognize that universe as your own?"
"Yes, though that different person…"
"… Is still you?"
"Precisely." Lukas ran his fingers through his bangs. "It's usually just Mathias with me in them, too. Other people show up sometimes, mainly you, Berwald, and Emil. The first one I had was one where I was still going to school as a teen and Mathias talked me into sneaking out of class. It wasn't like our high school, it was a different one, but it was like I had attended that one instead. And we ended up kissing in an empty locker room."
"And most of these are like that?"
"Some, the others can get pretty interesting. I was a punk high schooler in one, and Mathias was a nerd." Tino laughed. "Don't laugh, you were a punk, too."
"Did I wear eyeliner?"
"Yes."
"That's amazing." They laughed together.
"Another one was that I was a prince and Mathias was a pirate. He would sneak into my room or we would sneak out of the castle and sail across the sea or something."
"And you say these are vivid?"
"Yes, they feel real. Sometimes when I have similar, reoccurring dreams, they end up becoming lucid dreams. This is not the case."
"And these have made you realize your feelings for Mathias?"
"No, they made me think about them more often. I've been kinda…"
"Pushing them off to the side?"
"Yeah."
"Well, you shouldn't do that, Lukas."
"Then what else should I do?"
"Do what you told me to do." Before Lukas could object, he continued. "If I can admit my feelings to my best friend, then you can, too."
"I don't know, Tino. I've been neglecting to touch this subject with myself for months."
"Will you at least think about it now? Consider your options?"
"And my options are?"
"Tell him or continue to suppress your feelings."
"Sounds like a lose-lose situation."
"Sounds like a win-lose because come on now, Lukas. Do you really think someone like Mathias would pass up someone like you?"
"Tino, are you calling me hot?"
"Maybe."
"What if he finds it inappropriate?"
"Then he'll try making you guys have a secret relationship going on. Just think about it! Kissing while nobody is looking, sex in the back room where he doesn't let the rest of us go…"
"I'm sorry I asked."
"Don't be, and I'm picking. Mathias wouldn't want to keep you secret, and he might have a hard time shutting up about you, just like he already is. The only thing he talks about other than work or his hobbies is you. Lukas this, Lukas that. But it lets me know he takes care of you as much as you take care of him. And he worries for you, every time you're in a less than happy mood it's always so much anxiety with him. Are you sure it's not only you thinking you're not together? Boss or not, you guys are and will be really good for each other. If you're going to like anyone, I have peace in mind that it's him." Tino stopped talking, Lukas had gone silent again. He stayed quiet, assuming Lukas was processing everything he had said.
Lukas was, as he guessed, thinking. He began to realize how much he really did hope Mathias' feelings were mutual, and how there was a chance that they were. He wanted to prepare himself for rejection; but at the same time, he needed to not be pessimistic. The reason why he was encouraging Tino to tell Berwald about his feelings was because he knew they were mutual. What if Tino knew Mathias' was mutual? He couldn't just ask, he had to find out himself. He needed to do more than talking to Tino about it, but he needs to tell Mathias. It concerns him, after all.
"I'm going to tell him."
"What?"
"I'm going to tell him."
"If you're not ready, don't!"
"I'm not going to do it soon but I'm going to tell him."
Tino and Lukas spoke for a few minutes more, giving each other some words of encouragement before saying goodbye. Lukas rested for a minute more before there was a knock on his door.
"Hey, Lukas! We should decorate the Christmas tree after dinner!"
Lukas sat up and looked towards the door. "Uh, sure. I'll help you set it up."
"But I already have it set up."
"Already?" Lukas got off the bed and ran for his door, opening it and looking past Mathias to see an empty tree in the living room corner. "That was quick."
"I've been working for over an hour now, you know. You just like to blab on the phone and lose track of time." Lukas gasped.
"You didn't listen in, did you?" He asked.
"No? I mean I used to try paying attention when you and Tino are speaking together but I get lost in translation. It's like you guys ramble and it starts to sound like-"
"So you didn't hear the conversation."
"No." Lukas sighed in relief. "You weren't talking trash… Were you?"
"Not at all."
"You sure? And what was up with Tino anyway?"
Lukas stepped out of the door, smoothing his bed head down. "It's a little personal."
Mathias looked at him expressionless before smiling. "Does our Tino have a crush on who I think he does?"
"Have you finished all the chores?" The smile on his face faded.
"Not yet."
"I'll help." The smile had come back.
By the time Emil had come home, the chores were finally finished up. Mathias retired to his room while Lukas and his brother settled down on the couch and turned on Netflix.
"How was your day?" Lukas asked, his usual question to spark a conversation.
"Good, I guess. Leon's grounded because his dad realized he snuck out the other night."
"Does his dad just never give him permission to go anywhere?"
"His dad thinks he'll do something stupid, so he prefers to try keeping him locked up."
"Sounds like Tino's parents, it's so much better to allow your kids to experience life and the dangers while giving them precautions rather than to let them get curious, escape your hold, and get even more hurt."
"That was deep." Emil laughed some. "But now he's applying screens onto the windows."
"Tell him to sneak out the front or back door."
"Hm. Are you encouraging this behavior?"
"I would be a liar if I said I never encouraged it before. I had lied so many times to Tino's parents saying I didn't know where he was when I was the one that had helped him sneak out."
"Well, at least you trust Leon."
"I do." He looked over at his brother. "And I also trust that you don't sneak out. I prefer to know where you are just in case I need to come find you."
"Understood."
"And I trust the kid knows his boundaries and his no-go zones, right?"
"I never had to remind him. He asks for permission to hug me sometimes even though I've told him he doesn't have to."
"Leon is a good kid." Lukas never wanted to think about someone who Emil liked stepping over a line and not acknowledging Emil's sexuality, or rather lack of. At least Leon wasn't an issue when it came to that.
"Yeah, I kinda like him."
"You think his dad would be okay with me inviting him over myself?"
"He doesn't like that you're my adult supervision instead of mom and dad."
"Sucks, he should meet Mathias then."
"No, no thanks."
After Mathias had woken up from his nap, he started on dinner. Lukas and Emil continued to watch TV until he had finished.
Mathias had prepared a simple meal; baked chicken, microwavable green beans, and some rice. At the table, they made small talk and ate.
"Do you know where the box of ornaments is?" Lukas asked, taking a bite of the chicken.
"Yeah, it's still in the living room closet. I'll take it out after I do the dishes."
"We're doing the tree tonight?" Emil asked.
"Mhm, Mathias has the tree up and everything."
"Good, because I hate setting up the tree." Emil glared at Lukas. "You always made me do it when we were younger every year and hogged decorating it to yourself."
"That's because you suck at decorating." Lukas commented. "But I trust you to be better at it now."
"Yeah, yeah. You have no room to talk, you always put too much reds in one spot."
"Listen you…"
"I should find some Christmas playlists for us to listen to while we decorate!" Mathias interrupted.
"Yeah." Lukas and Emil agreed, ditching their argument.
After cleaning up from dinner, the three moved to the living room. Emil helped Lukas take the box of ornaments from the closet as Mathias set up the music on his laptop. Together, the three decorating the tree, talking and laughing, but every-once-in-a-while, Emil or Lukas would call each other out for 'bad color arrangement' on their section of the tree.
Finally, the tree was finished. Mathias plugged in the lights, and the three stepped back to look at the completed product.
"I like it." Lukas spoke.
"Me too." Mathias granted.
"This custom is so weird, you know." Emil pointed out. "We have a tree in our room."
Mathias shrugged and laughed. "It's not a real tree."
"Some people have real ones." Lukas retorted.
"True, but it's kinda fun to decorate them." He put an arm around Lukas. "It's like we're all family."
"Yeah," Emil spoke up. "A really weird one. I think I'll call it a night." The two watched as Emil left the room, Mathias' arm still resting on Lukas' shoulders.
"Emil put these right next to each other." Lukas whispered to him, moving to the tree and removing one of the holly leaf decorations from the bottom portion of the tree.
"I think we can move it here." Mathias walked up to his side, took it from him, and put it towards the top. "There."
The two examined the tree closely, turning to each other.
"I think everything's good now." Lukas relaxed his elbow onto Mathias' shoulder and rested his head onto his now elevated arm, still looking at the tree. He felt Mathias' head rest on his own, vibrant spikes of blond hair touching his forehead.
"It's perfect, Lukas." Mathias' voice was hushed. "You did a good job on it."
"You too." Lukas stated. Mathias' bare hand moved up and touched his arm. Lukas glanced down at it as it tenderly rubbed against his arm before Mathias put it down by his side again. He took a quick look at Mathias, noticing he was looking directly at him back.
Lukas withdrew his arm, separating from Mathias. He tried to think of something else to say, to avoid the awkward silence between them. He looked at Mathias again, who was still looking at him back. He wasn't smiling, but he didn't look sad or serious. He looked like he wanted to say something.
Facing him, Mathias took a step towards him, putting his hands onto Lukas' upper arms. "Lukas…" He trailed off.
"Mathias…" He spoke back. Everything seemed to be going so fast for Lukas, though nothing much was even happening. For Mathias, he felt like time was standing still.
"I…" Mathias seemed to be choking on his own words, making them barely audible. Lukas moved closer, trying to listen to him.
Mathias felt all the emotions he wanted to express to Lukas, who was right there in front of him and getting even closer, about to burst from him. It's time to tell him, he repeated to himself over and over again. How do I tell him? He felt Lukas start to withdraw from his hold, and without thinking, he leaned down and kissed him.
Their noses had gotten in the way, and if anything, he hoped he didn't hurt Lukas'. He felt the other jolt up in surprise while his eyes were closed. He quickly pulled away, letting go of Lukas.
Lukas, instead of sharing Mathias' anxiety, felt relieved. Relieved that, despite his heart pounding harshly in his chest, that he wasn't the only one going through what he had been going through for the past several months. Mathias looked like an emotional wreck, and realization had hit him that he wasn't the only one scared of his own feelings.
He wanted to hug Mathias, maybe kiss him again. Assure him it was okay, that they can relax now. But he couldn't relax until he spoke to Mathias about what he had talked to Tino about.
Mathias forced a laugh, almost sounding pathetic. "That mistletoe." He pointed to the tree.
Lukas looked at him for a second, and before long he was laughing. Mathias relaxed the tension in his body some.
"Was it that funny?"
"That's holly leaf, Mathias."
"Holly… Leaf?" Lukas nodded, his laughter getting softer. At least he's smiling. "That's my bad, I should be getting to bed soon…"
"No." Lukas told him. "We need to talk about this."
"I don't know, Lukas."
"Mathias, how long?"
"Almost two years." Mathias looked away from him. Lukas shook his head, grabbing his arm and pulling him into his room. Lukas shut the door and crossed his arms.
"Two years?"
"Yeah," Mathias wouldn't look at him. Lukas took his chin and made him look at him.
"… A good few months."
"What?"
"I said… A few months…"
"You…" Mathias spoke, Lukas removed his hand from his chin.
"Yeah… So." Lukas lost his words. Mathias looked like he was about to cry, taking Lukas' hands in his. Now Lukas had a hard time looking at him.
"I didn't think it would go like this. I kinda just wanted to tell you at a good time so either way it would…"
"Mathias, this is so…"
"Wonderful." Lukas looked back at him, tears were dripping off of Mathias cheeks.
"Mathias don't…"
"But I love you, Lukas." Mathias voice was louder as he cried more. He let go of Lukas' hands and hugged him. Lukas was pushed back against the door as Mathias clung to him, sobbing into his shoulder. He slowly slid down until he was sitting, holding Mathias as he cried while he stared at the opposite wall.
"I'm so happy." Mathias babbled, muffled in Lukas' shirt.
"I happy, too." Lukas responded, his own eyes filling with tears. Mathias got up and rubbed his eyes, a smile spread across his face.
"What was that?"
"I love you, Mathias."
"I love you, Lukas."
"It's 'I love you, too'."
"I love you, too, Lukas." Mathias laughed as he cried more. Lukas joined in.
After they had calmed down, and the room was silent again, Lukas wiped the last of his tears from his eyes.
"Now what?"
"Whatever happens," Mathias smiled. Lukas nodded, standing up and helping Mathias up. Once Mathias was on his feet, Lukas pulled him into a tight hug.
"I'm going to go to bed." He whispered.
"Okay." Mathias left a brief kiss onto his cheek. "Good night."
"Good night." Lukas let go of him and headed to the door. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
After brushing his hair, feeding Mr. Puffin, and changing clothes, Emil relaxed onto his bed and pulled up his covers. He checked his phone, wishing he could tell Leon good night.
He began to doze off when someone knocked on his bedroom door. Assuming it was Lukas, he called from the bed. "Come in."
The door slowly creaked open, Emil squinted to try making out his brother's face.
"Were you sleeping?" Leon's voice surprised him.
"Sorta… How did you get in here?"
"I knocked on the front door?" The light was suddenly switched on, Emil flinched.
"Sorry," Lukas stepped in after Leon. "Leon can stay for a while, but remember you have work in the morning and he needs to get home before his dad realizes he's gone."
"Okay." After Lukas left the room, Leon sat down next to Emil. "You know you should be more careful, Leon."
"What would my dad do? Ground me harder?"
"Yeah, probably." Emil sat up and hugged Leon. "But I'm glad I get to see you."
"Me too." Leon left a few kisses on Emil's lips, sighing in between them. Emil suddenly felt worried.
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know." Leon answered back.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't like lying to my dad." Emil touched his face with his hands, listening. "I don't like having to sneak out and see you. I don't like lying about our relationship. You're so honest with your brother and I wish I could do the same with my dad."
"I understand,"
"I want to come out to him." Emil, thought surprised, nodded and kissed his cheek.
"Want me to be there when you do?"
"Maybe, if you want to."
"Alright, we can practice, too."
"Yeah." Leon slowly moved to in front of Emil. "But later. Kiss me?"
"Yes!" Emil leaned over and kissed Leon. While Leon kissed him back, he noticed he was responding better than the last kiss they had. He hugged the other around his waist, pulling him closer. "You make me so happy, Leon."
"You make me happy, too."
Notes: Happy Valentine's Day. I worked hard this week to bring you guys this chapter, just in case your V-Day isn't going so well, you know? But I hope it is, single, taken, married, engaged, or just not interested.
And I do believe this is the longest chapter in this work of mine, and in all of my works. 7k words? Wow! It's longer than the full length of some of my others.
How do you guys feel about the next chapter being the Berwald/Tino backstory chapter? Hehe
In case some of you don't know, a peplum is a blouse that has the bottom portion sewn to look like an attached skirt. They're like a mini dress that you would wear as a shirt.
And as most of you would know, the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is premiering sometime today. As a fanfiction writer that makes it a priority to show healthy, queer relationships in my works, that I know a lot of people around me would disagree with the types of relationships, though healthy, that I write, and if they were published, they would end up on the banned book list, this insults me.
Fifty Shades of Grey being published as a book and being made into a movie should irk every last one of us fanfiction writers, no matter the content we write, BDSM or not.
This movie portrays heavy abuse and a bad representation of BDSM and is being treated better than even a hint of a queer relationship in media.
This is not okay.
And we need to also learn from this.
Works that sexualize non-con and rape flood our fanfiction sites. This needs to stop.
Call out writers that do this.
Ask them to edit their works or take them down.
Don't be afraid of reporting them.
Stop telling them how good their smut is when it's obviously rape. Who likes to read a fic where one character is yelling "please stop" and crying during the who smut scene anyway? It's so bad and upsetting!
It may be fictional but that doesn't matter. Rape is real and should not be sexualized.
So please, help spread the word.
Thank you for supporting my work. I'll respond to any questions regarding it.