CHAPTER NINE
Karen was holding her daughter's hand; Katie was still in a drug-induced sleep. She was pale and looked hopelessly small in the hospital bed. Blood and fluids were being administered intravenously and the marks on her face where Carl had hit her stood out harshly against her pale skin.
Murdock stood by the door watching mother and daughter. He was glad she was ok but had heard what the doctor had said about Katie having a long way to go. He'd spent a lot of time around doctors during his time at the VA and knew that Doctor Mark Thompson was uncertain as to just how Katie was doing. He had been right about her being fighter though, she was clinging onto life with everything she had but it might just turn out to be a fight that could not be won.
Musing over these things his eyes flickered to Karen, she too looked pale and exhausted. He neared the bed. 'You want anything?' He asked softly.
Karen looked up startled. 'I'm fine, thanks but you don't have to stay. Go get some coffee or something.'
Murdock nodded he wanted out of this room, it was starting to get to him. Death hovered too close here and he needed a drink. He headed out of the room and down the corridor to the coffee machine. Putting a quarter in the machine he waited for the coffee to finish.
'Captain?' An unfamiliar voice asked and before he could stop himself Murdock had turned to greet the person behind him. He found himself face to face with two orderlies and a doctor from the VA. 'I'm afraid you'll have to come with us.'
Panic overwhelmed him and he shook his head backing away from them. 'I can't, I'm sorry but I have to stay here.'
'Captain.' The doctor's voice was soothing but patronising. He was talking to Murdock as if he was a child and Murdock didn't like that. His coffee forgotten he ran down the corridor bumping into Face on the way.
'Murdock what's…' His voice trailed off as he saw the orderlies and the doctor.
'Quick.' He said and grabbed Murdock's arm. They managed to throw them off and headed back to Katie's room.
'I don't know how they knew I was…' He stopped as opening the door he saw the doctor standing beside Karen. Murdock instantly backed out but one of the orderlies was behind him and he found himself caught between the two. He and Face looked at each other both wondering what to do next.
'Captain, if you'll cooperate with us this will go much better for everyone.' The doctor was one that Murdock didn't like and right now he couldn't recall the man's name. Not that this was the important thing here. He shook his head resolutely.
'I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about.' The innocent approach was the only thing that sprung to mind. He glanced at Karen who looked scared; no way was he leaving here with her like that or with Katie as she was.
'Captain I am here to take you back to the Veteran's Administration Psychiatric Hospital in LA with or without your cooperation. Please understand me here; you're coming with us.' The doctor had obviously decided that the tough guy approach was going to work a lot better. Murdock decided to show him just how wrong he was. He whirled round and hit the orderly. The young man was thrown off balance and stumbled back against the wall. Murdock ran for it vaguely aware that behind him Face was getting in the doctor's way trying to buy Murdock more time.
He skidded round a corner and collided with a nurse. The woman fell backwards and Murdock instantly reached out to catch her. He caught hold of her just before she hit the floor, helping her regain her balance he apologised before leaving her standing in the corridor bewildered as to what was going on. She was even more confused when two men ran down the corridor after the man in the brown leather jacket.
Murdock shoved a doctor out of the way and kept running, in it's own way this was almost fun except for the fact that if he stopped running he'd be dragged kicking and screaming back to the VA and he wasn't prepared to go back there yet. He darted into a room and ducked behind a bed, hoping they wouldn't find him. He needed to catch his breath for a moment.
The door opened and he could see a pair of feet enter the room. The feet stopped by the bed and Murdock held his breath. Then he was rudely yanked to his feet by the younger of the two orderlies. The doctor entered the room behind him at that moment.
'Captain Murdock, I wish it didn't have to be this way.'
'I'm not going back, I kinda like it here instead, much nicer better food, nicer décor even the nurses are prettier. I think it would be better for everyone if I just stayed here. Billy loves it here and…'
'Captain you can try that approach if you want but I assure you that it is futile. You're a very sick man and obviously very frightened…'
'I am not!' Murdock was indignant, how could they think that, they just had no idea. 'I have responsibilities here, I can't leave but I'll see you guys back at the VA when I'm ready to come home. Just make sure no-one tries to steal my room.' He crossed his arms across his chest and tried to stare the man down. It was a little different to trying to stare BA down, Murdock usually backed down first because BA scared him a little but the doctor just looked bored. He didn't even have the courtesy to stare back. Murdock eyed the window carefully, no way he could get out that way, it would have to be the door and somehow he didn't think he'd make it. Still, soldiers had to do brave things in the line of duty.
Murdock hurled himself at the two men and tried to escape through the door. He found himself neatly caught between the two men, the doctor with his greying hair and green eyes held Murdock firmly by one arm. The orderly had a hold of Murdock's other arm. He was sandwiched between the two of them, they escorted him out of the room and Murdock decided that enough was enough. He'd tried the innocent ploy, the persuasive approach and the running tactic. None of these had worked that meant he had to work with the one thing he had left. The one thing he did better than anything except for flying.
He pushed the internal button marked Crazy and waited to see what would happen. About a day's worth of pent-up craziness exploded from him and he began kicking and struggling for all he was worth, crazy talk spewing from his mouth at an alarming rate.
'What's going on?' This was Karen's voice; he opened his eyes midway through yelling about the injustice of the golf ball and stared at her.
'Ma'am if you'll just move out of the way. This man is a psychiatric patient and we have to take him back to the ward.'
'He is not and you won't.' Karen protested. 'I know this man and you've got the wrong person. He's my husband.'
The doctor blinked he hadn't been expecting this.
'Ma'am he's, for want of a better word, crazy. He's also a resident at the Veteran's Administration Psychiatric Hospital and I have to take him back there before he can do damage to himself or anyone else.'
'He's not crazy, it's his medication it makes him act a little strange especially under extreme pressure. Our daughter is fighting for her life and you've just added to the pressure he's under. Did they hurt you honey?'
Murdock hesitated and then decided that it couldn't hurt to play along. 'I'm fine, the meds are starting to wear off now but I'm still feeling a little gloopy. Think I could have a special hug?'
Karen mercifully managed to keep a straight face. 'See, he's fine just a little confused. I really think you've made a mistake.'
The doctor spluttered for a moment and then managed to regain his composure. 'Ma'am, regardless of what you say I know that this man is a mental patient and I am under orders to take him back to the hospital with me.'
'I can't let you do that, Doctor.' She said firmly and Murdock just grinned. Smugly he removed himself from the grip of the doctor and the orderly. He went and stood over by Karen and put an arm around her shoulders. 'You can't call what is obviously a medical problem, crazy.' Karen told the doctor angrily.
'I, I…' The doctor was speechless he didn't know how to deal with this and Murdock was laughing inside and maybe a little on the outside as well. Karen could give Face a run for his money, not for very long but for long enough. Question was whether or not she'd managed to convince the doctor that Murdock was not who he thought he was. Time for a little performance.
Murdock clutched at his head and gave a loud groan. 'Honey have you got my meds, I was about to take them when these thugs ganged up on me.' He pouted and rested his head on Karen's shoulder. She patted his head soothingly.
'Just a minute sweetie, I just have to finish up here and then we'll get your meds.'
Murdock kissed her cheek. 'You look after me real good.'
'I'm sorry but he's not going anywhere with you.' Karen said confidently.
'Ma'am I've had enough of this performance; this man is not your husband. His name is Captain HM Murdock and he is a patient in a psychiatric ward and he is coming with us.' The doctor was beginning to get impatient.
The other orderly had in the meantime joined the doctor and the younger looking orderly. The doctor motioned and the two men pulled Murdock away from Karen. 'Worth a try Kaz babe, maybe next time.' Murdock said affecting a cockney accent.
He smiled serenely and then jabbed an elbow into the stomach of one of the men. As he struggled he felt something cold at the back of his neck and then there was a sharp stinging feeling. Everything began to slow down and fall away. He'd been given shots enough times to recognise that they'd just drugged him. He tried to fight it but knew it was no good, everything began to fade away and he felt very sleepy.
'Out of the way Ma'am.' The doctor brushed past Karen and the orderlies dragging Murdock with them followed him.
Karen could only stare and then turned and hurried in search of Hannibal.
****
Murdock opened his eyes and groaned. As usual the sedative made him feel as if he'd been run over with a truck. He was lying on his bed back at the VA and the afternoon sunshine was filtering through the curtains. He closed his eyes against the light and then tried to sit up.
Bad idea. He slid back down again; maybe it was better if he just stayed where he was. As soon as he thought that he remembered Katie and shot straight up again. She was still at the hospital and he didn't know how she was. Anything could have happened. Once the room had kindly stopped spinning he picked up the phone. There was no dial tone; they'd disconnected the phone. Anger filled him and he got up off the bed and went to the door. It was shut and locked.
So, not only had they locked him in here but they'd taken away his phone privileges as well. Normally it wouldn't have bothered him so much but right now he was worried about Katie, he wanted to know if she was okay and he couldn't. She could be dead, MP's could be after the team and he wouldn't be able to do anything about any of it because he was stuck in here.
Most of the time he almost liked living here, when they'd mistakenly declared him sane and turned him out he'd realised just how much he wanted to stay. The thought of not knowing where he was going to sleep or not having regular sessions with the doctors made him feel almost nervous. Unlike the others he had a place to call his own even if it was only a small room in a mental ward. He had a place to lay his head every night, regular meals, friends and other crazy people around him. Right now though none of those things seemed good, he'd have traded them all to be back at that hospital in San Diego. He was starting to feel like a trapped animal and he found himself pacing back and forth in the small space between his bed and the wall.
He walked over to the sink and splashed his face with water. He rested his head against the cool surface of the mirror and then closed his eyes. Blood, dirt, sweat. All these things filled his senses and for a moment he was back in the desert. Katie was lying on the sand and her blood had turned it a strange dirty red. The smell of his sweat from the fight, the feel of the blood on his face drying and the panicky fear engulfed him and through all of these came the sound of breaking glass and a feeling of pain.
Murdock opened his eyes, the mirror was cracked and his fist was embedded in glass. He'd punched the mirror and now shards of glass stuck to his skin. He pulled his hand out of the glass and stared at it. Blood was pouring from the cuts on his hand, he sliced through one of the veins in his wrist but the pain was barely there. He found himself lying down on the bed. He let his eyes fall closed.
***
When he awoke he was still lying in a bed but it was not his own and a nurse was beside him. She didn't speak just seemed to write a lot. Murdock felt himself drift away again, away from the pain, away from everything.
***
He came to aware that people were standing over him. 'I think he's coming round.' This was Face's voice right next to him.
'Give him some room.' That was Hannibal, the colonel sounded concerned.
Murdock opened his eyes and found that he was staring into the eyes of three men. Men he'd known for what seemed like a lifetime. His left hand hurt and he realised that he was in the back of the van.
BA helped him to sit up. 'How you feeling fool?' He asked with affection.
'Ok, I think. The walls have stopped melting but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.'
Hannibal smiled. 'Just take it easy Captain.'
Murdock raised his hand and looked at it, it seemed ok. There was a bandage on it but other than that it didn't look a whole lot different. Pretty much like his right hand in fact. Strange because it was hurting a whole lot. In fact everything seemed to be hurting a whole lot.
'You're a fool Murdock, what you have to go and do a thing like that for?' BA asked he sounded annoyed but didn't really look it.
'A thing like what?' Murdock asked he couldn't really remember what he had done.
'Like trying to bleed yourself to death.' BA growled.
'BA.' Hannibal chided. 'Do you remember what happened Murdock?'
Murdock shrugged. 'I hit the mirror, cracked it right across the middle.'
'And nearly cut your hand to ribbons in the process. You had to have twelve stitches, had to put some more blood in you and have you sedated.' Face said. 'I had a hell of a time getting you out of the VA.'
'Thanks.' Murdock managed to say; suddenly he slapped his arm and frowned. 'Where's my jacket?' He was wearing his cap but not his jacket. Both things were like a safety net, objects he could identify with, they almost had a personality of their own. The tiger on the back of the jacket often talked to him and he was missing it.
'Karen said you gave it to Katie.' Face told him frowning. 'You sure you're ok?'
'Yeah, just a little nuts.' He gave Face a big fake smile.
'The fool's never been ok.' BA put in but more because it was expected of him rather than because he meant it.
'Where are we Colonel?' Murdock asked; he had to see if Katie was ok.
'Just outside St Luke's hospital in LA.' Face told him. 'They transferred Katie here two days ago.'
'Two days? I've been out for two days?' Murdock couldn't believe it, actually he could but he was beginning to worry. 'Is she ok, what happened, why did they transfer her?' He bombarded them with questions until Hannibal held up a hand to silence him.
'She's doing ok, still unconscious and they transferred her here because they felt that St Luke's was the better place for her to be. They deal with gunshot wounds quite a lot apparently. She's no worse but she's not much better either. We figured you'd want to be here.'
Murdock nodded. 'Is Billy ok?'
'Billy's fine.'
'Can I see her?' He asked and Hannibal shared a look with Face. Murdock felt a pang of distress. They thought he shouldn't see her; that he was going to do something bad.
'Are you sure you're up to it?' Face asked gently. 'You still seem a little disorientated.'
So they didn't think he was going to flip out, Murdock felt almost ashamed. They were just worried about him.
'Yeah, I'm fine.' He actually wasn't but no way was he going to tell them that. He reached over and patted Billy's head, he needed the reassurance that only the dog could give him at this moment.
'Hey, what did I say about Billy being in my van.' BA snarled.
Murdock looked up at him with large brown eyes. 'He won't be no trouble, BA. He's usually very good; see I don't even need to keep him on his leash. It's only when the bad guys turn up that he gets mad and turns all purple.'
BA's brows knitted together and he clenched his fists. 'I mean it fool, I don't want no more talk about a dog that's not real.'
Murdock looked aghast. 'Not real! Not real! How can you say that BA? He's as real as you or I. Tell him Face, tell him Billy's real.'
'Oh yeah, Billy's real.' Face nodded and reached out to stroke the dog's fur.
Murdock smiled smugly. 'See.' He turned back to Hannibal. 'Well?'
Hannibal nodded. 'Ok.' He opened the van doors and he and Face helped Murdock out.
A wave of dizziness overwhelmed the pilot for a moment but he gritted his teeth and fought through it. Nothing was going to make the guys think that he couldn't see Katie; he had to make them believe that he was ok just for a little while.
As they walked towards the hospital entrance Murdock wondered what drugs the doctors at the VA had given him. Whatever they'd given him he wished they hadn't bothered, he felt awful. His hand throbbed dully and he flexed the fingers trying to bring some life back into them. The action only succeeded in making the pain flare up in again.
They entered the hospital and for a moment Murdock was sure that the VA would have sent someone here to bring him back like they'd done back in San Diego. However, they reached Katie's room without incident and Murdock calmed himself down. No one was coming for him, not yet anyway.
Face opened the door and stepped into the room, Murdock hesitated for a moment and then followed him. Karen looked up and got to her feet the minute her eyes landed on Murdock. She hugged him tightly and he received the embrace gladly.
His eyes drifted to the girl in the bed and he felt tears prick at his eyes. She was still unconscious and he knew that she should have been awake by now. Something was wrong with her.
'Are you ok?' Karen asked, she'd been very worried for him and he sensed that. She was looking at his bandaged hand in concern.
'I'm fine, how's she doing?' He turned to look at the others and realised that they were no longer there. They'd left to give him some space. He mentally thanked them, it was exactly what he needed right now.
Karen lowered her eyes. 'Not good, she should have been conscious two days ago but so far nothing. She's lost a lot of blood and they're still keeping her on an IV, they've had to feed her that way too. I just feel so helpless, there's nothing I can do but wait and waiting seems to be doing no good.'
Murdock nodded. 'I know.' He said and she reached out and took his hand.
'What happened?' She asked looking into his eyes.
He debated whether to tell her or not and then decided against it. She was worried enough about her daughter, the news that he'd really lost it for a while would only worry her further.
'It's nothing.' He smiled at her injecting as much honesty as he could into his words. She didn't argue but he noticed the doubt on her face, luckily she had other things to think about and didn't press him on the subject. 'Do you want to take a break, I can stay with her.' He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and Karen gave him a wan smile.
'I'm almost too scared to leave.'
'Go get a coffee and some food. Face or one of the guy's will go with you so you don't have to be on your own. I'll be here with her.'
'Thanks.' She left the room but looked towards the bed for a long moment her eyes fixed on the still form of her daughter.
When she'd gone, Murdock sat down next to the bed and took one of Katie's hands in his good hand. 'Hey there Muchacho.' He said softly, looking at her. He wasn't sure what else to do. She looked so small and frail lying there, that wasn't the Katie he knew; she was stronger than that. Ever since Tony had died she'd been under the impression that she had to be strong for her and for her mother. Murdock remembered that from those last few days they'd spent together before he'd gone back to Vietnam and the war.
'Listen to me for a moment, wherever you are right now I think it's time you came back ok.' He didn't even know if she could hear him but he kept on talking, the silence was just too much to bear. 'I was so scared when I looked out that window and saw you in Carl's apartment. I had no idea what he was going to do; I didn't even think I just acted. I'm sorry; maybe if I'd waited things wouldn't have turned out like this. You know I'm not letting this happen, it isn't happening, I'm crazy and I say it isn't happening. You're ok, you have to be, it's been too long, I finally get to see you and spend time with you and now this has happened. Wacky, huh? This time it's you that's gone away not me.'
He stopped unable to continue, he couldn't remember feeling this way before. The one feeling that kept coming back was the feeling he'd had on the day they'd buried Tony. He'd been standing at the graveside with his arm around Karen watching Katie to make sure she was ok. And then it had hit him a feeling so strong he didn't know if he could stand it. He had a sudden need to protect her, she didn't have a father anymore; he'd been taken away from her before she was even old enough to get to know him properly. He'd remembered what it was like to lose his mother at the age of five and understood what she was feeling. He'd suddenly seen that when he came back from his tour of Vietnam that it would be his last, he knew that he would have to look after her and Karen. Karen would probably cope but Katie needed someone around to talk to. She wouldn't feel as if she'd be able to talk to her mother for fear of stirring up memories that might be painful to Karen.
He closed his eyes, as the memory grew stronger. He'd decided there and then, from that moment on he would have to act as a father to Katie and perhaps even a husband to Karen. They both needed someone now and Tony had told him to look after them. His last words and thoughts had been of them. They had been the only things that had mattered in Tony's life and Murdock hadn't been able to save him, he hadn't been able to give them back the most important thing in their lives. That meant it was up to him to be what had been taken from them.
He had to protect both of them but especially Katie; she was too young to deal with this. He'd always thought of her as a niece but now he had to take responsibility for her when Karen couldn't. He stared at the grave of his best friend and made a promise to the dead man. He would protect Tony's wife and child with everything he had.
Murdock opened his eyes again and sighed. He hadn't fulfilled his promise, he'd gone away to 'Nam again and things had changed, he'd been more involved with Hannibal's unit and he hadn't really come back. Then when he did finally get out of there he'd been sent to the VA and he hadn't seen Katie in nearly thirteen years. Now when he did see her he'd nearly gotten her killed. Maybe she'd still die and it would be his fault.
He realised that he'd curled his other hand into a fist and the pain lanced through it again. Slowly he uncurled his fingers wincing as they began to smart. He looked down at the young woman in the bed and began speaking again.
'I made a promise to your dad, Katie. I promised that I'd look after you and your Mom. I promised you when we met again that I wouldn't let anything happen to you. I've broken both promises, I went away to 'Nam and didn't come back. And now you're lying here dying bit by bit. I know I'm a crazy nut but I keep my promises Katie and you're going to wake up. You have to wake up, who's gonna buy me Twinkies? BA won't, Face might but it wouldn't be the same, they don't understand but you did. You do! You don't look at me all scared and think that the crazy's bad, you accept it and a lot of people can't do that. I'm just glad you missed out on those times when I was really bad, it's not something I want the guys to see let alone you or anyone else. I let you have Billy for a little while, I've never done that before or since and I probably won't do it again. I look at you and I see Tony's eyes looking back at me, it's weird but good. It's like there's still a little piece of him around, like he never really went away. I think you can beat this, I believe you can do it and that's the most powerful thing, believing it enough. It's the believing that make's me crazy; I believe in Billy so much that I can see him. So if I believe hard enough then you'll wake up. 'Cos you gotta wake up I can't take losing the last little bit of Tony that I have left. I couldn't take losing you.'
His voice shook and he stopped talking. It was easy talking this way because she probably couldn't hear him and that meant he could be honest in a way he couldn't be normally. He could never tell her that he had promised to look out for her, she wouldn't appreciate it; she was just too independent and wilful. She'd see it as a pity gesture.
Behind him the door opened and Karen came in with a cup of coffee in her hand. She gave it to him and he took it gingerly. 'I think I might go and see the others.' He said quietly and squeezing her hand he stood and left the room.