Adult feelings addressed

CHAPTER 10 I Can Hear Them – All Of Them!

Laranth watched carefully for Segrith to rise. He had little expectation of catching her but it was worth trying. R'gar might not be too eager but Laranth thought he'd make a good Weyrleader.

Suddenly Segrith was airborne and Laranth was following, neck and neck with his rival, Orth, prepared to give him a good race. He screamed his defiance – then gave a cry of anger and sudden pain.

Laranth whipped round angrily as he felt the nip of sharp teeth on his tail. That child Mirrith was hanging on and he hissed angrily.

oOoOo

Talana struggled mentally with Mirrith.

"Come DOWN" she thought at her, emphasising it by adding aloud, "NOW!"

"He shan't fly Segrith" Mirrith sounded sulky. "Laranth is MY bronze!"

"If you don't come down now I will bespeak Laranth and not only will he not fly you he won't even speak to you again" Threatened T'lan meekly Mirrith let go of Laranth's tail and flew down

"You silly baby, you could have caused another tragedy!" T'lan cried, burying her face against the dragonet. Mirrith made guilty snuffling noises and muzzled against her rider.

Meanwhile Laranth landed, disgruntled. R'gar strode over to the young pair alone in the bowl. His face plainly showed his fury.

"How could you let that happen?" he roared.

"I know, I'm sorry, I never guessed she'd… I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Talana raised her shocked, tear-streaked face. "I was terrified Segrith would attack her.. She thinks Laranth is her own bronze…she's like Sagarra is about sharing you…I should have realised… and on R'gar I feel so odd.." she stumbled and grabbed at Mirrith for support

"What's wrong, lad? Are you ill? Hurt? " R'gar asked, concerned. She looked up again and deep in her eyes he saw the burning dragon lust

"Have you forgotten?" she cried. "I hear them – all of them …."

R'gar swore.

"And I thought getting it from Laranth was bad enough."

"They are gaining!" She stumbled again and almost fell. R'gar picked her up easily and carried her back to her weyr. She clung to him desperately.

"It's all right son" R'gar tried to soothe her "I'll stay with you – both of you –" he added glaring at the now repentant Mirrith "- until its all over"

The boy weighed nothing. No wonder Mirrith made light of even the most strenuous exercises. He laid T'lan on the bed.

Talana clung to R'gar as he laid her down.

"R'gar…." She said

R'gar tried to disentangle her fingers from his tunic.

"Relax" he said feeling anything but relaxed. Shards what was wrong with him? Laranth's feelings didn't help much.

Talana moaned and writhed, reaching out for R'gar.

Laranth bugled enthusiastically.

"Shut up you fool" muttered R'gar. Then he stared at Talana as he realised that her movements were hardly boyish…

"Great shells, You're a girl!" he gasped.

"Of ….course… I'm a ….g – girl!" Talana managed through laboured breath. "And – and I wish you – you'd do something about it instead of… staring like a ….st – stuffed wherry!"

Imploringly she grabbed his hands and held them, pulling him to her. R'gar was in no mood to resist. He drew her into his arms, delighting in her instinctive innocent responses in the abandonment of dragon lust. Laranth bugled joyful encouragement as his friend T'lan submitted to his beloved R'gar's demands.

"You see? It is inevitable that you will fly me." Said Mirrith smugly to Laranth.

oOoOo

R'gar awoke to find T'lan propped up on one elbow looking at him; but the moment she caught his gaze she blushed and dropped her eyes. R'gar was aware of tension in her slight body, and his satisfied lassitude was replaced by dismay. She had been a virgin of course, he thought, and so young. Shards, have I frightened her? Guiltily he apologised.

"I'm sorry child, that shouldn't have happened. I let myself be carried away by Laranth's feelings. It's all the excuse I can make." She said nothing, and R'gar cleared his throat. "I suppose I'd better go." He said, swinging his legs to the floor.

There was a muffled sob behind him and he turned quickly. Talana brushed the tears from her face with an impatient boyish gesture; her dark eyes were full of hurt.

"That's it then?" she asked. "You're interested while you're dragon's involved, then goodbye? I thought – maybe you liked me too a little. You sometimes seemed to." She sniffed hard.

R'gar stared at her, barely comprehending.

"You – you want me to stay?" he asked, hardly daring to hope. She held out her arms and he drew her to him, cradling her against his chest. "I thought I'd frightened you." He said. "I was only going to leave so I didn't upset you." He shivered pleasurably as she ran her hands down his back, shaking her head to dispel such a foolish idea. She said

"I never know what you want of me or how you're going to feel. Sometimes you're glad to be with me, then you go all prickly on me. I was afraid I'd driven you away again by getting too close." She blushed again. R'gar kissed her tangled red locks.

"Oh my dear." He held her tightly. "I have not known how to behave to you – thinking you were a boy – I thought the bump on my head had sent me crazy when I started feeling this way for you. It never occurred to me that you were a girl"

Talana chuckled, a deep happy chuckle and pressed herself to him.

"I never realised that was what was upsetting you. You see, I didn't really understand until…" she raised her eyes briefly, then veiled them, blushing and gasping for breath. Urgently she pulled him closer. "I want you R'gar!" she whispered. He smiled down at her.

"Even though I'm an old grouch? And – maimed?" his tone was light but Talana sensed the anxiety behind it. She pulled away the eye patch and kissed the mess that had once been his right eye.

"So Mirrith and eye share a preference for one eyed cross-patches. Now please…" she raised her mouth to beg for kisses; and R'gar was happy to oblige. Absently Talana wished she had a chance to roast Sagally over a slow fire; but before long she was rather preoccupied

oOoOo

Much later, R'gar asked,

"What is your real name, T'lan?"

"It's T'lan now." She said, dimpling at him. "After all, Laranth likes it, and we couldn't upset him now, could we!"

"Easily." Grinned R'gar, lazily. "It's a boy's name. I want to make love to you in female."

She blushed happily.

"Talana" she told him.

"It's lovely. Like you. Even when you clash colours" he teased as she flushed again.

"I don't want other people to know yet. I want to prove myself against Thread so T'bor can't throw a pompous about girls on dragons being A Bad Thing." She explained "Besides, on the whole I like being T'lan. It defines me; I am a dragonrider." She added

"You're that all right. That's what counts, whether you're a boy or a girl. That's certainly all that matters to weyrfolk." He kissed her reassuringly. She laughed and shook her head.

"I like being Talana for you – in private " she blushed yet again "But besides, it's our secret. Well, if you discount Pilgra and Calla."

"I never discount Calla. She's a force to be reckoned with." He teased. She smiled at him.

"But she doesn't know everything anymore. And R'gar…."

"What, again?"

"Again. Please."

oOoOo

The weyrlings as a whole had hoped that something on the order of a mating flight would be sufficiently momentous to divert R'gar's attention from a threatened test on their understanding of the anatomy of the dragon's wing. That their hopes were fulfilled was pleasantly surprising; and they made the most of their reprieve without asking too closely what had become of the exacting weyrlingmaster. The noise wakened Pilgra, who decided that it must be dinnertime and arose to look for R'gar and an explanation of the commotion. She bumped into him as he left Talana's weyr flushing a little shamefaced as Pilgra caught him.

"Hullo, discovered T'lan's guilty secret have you?" grinned Pilgra jumping to conclusions. She always felt sunny natured after a good flight and beamed good will upon him. R'gar grunted. He found Pilgra's ability to know – or guess – everything that was going on in the Weyr disconcerting.

"Didn't seem fair to give the boys a test after the excitement of Segrith rising." He said, indicating the cavorting lads, hoping to turn the subject. Pilgra's eyes twinkled.

"I see." She said. R'gar had an uncomfortable feeling that she did. He made the excuse that there were things to do; and headed rapidly in the direction of away.

oOoOo

R'gar had a lot to think about. Talana was so young. He assumed that she had told the truth about her age; she seemed always to have told the truth when asked, merely misleading people. Even if she had massaged the truth there, she could not be more than a turn older than she had said… He wondered how she would cope with a serious relationship. She'd be bound to tire of him soon, he thought, and find herself more attracted to one of the younger lads. It wouldn't do to let himself get too involved. Except of course he already was too involved. This cool, emotional, self-sufficient, helpless little thing with her boyish ways and her peculiar but unswervable sense of honour got under his skin far deeper than sophisticated feminine Sagally. He groaned. Well, he'd just have to face it: and if loving her meant smiling when she left him he'd try. Probably. Meanwhile, there was Sagarra. Guiltily he realised that he had allowed the care of his daughter to fall upon Talana's shoulders. By the number of toys strewn around the floor of the queen's weyr the child spent a lot of time there. He wondered where his daughter was; and went in search of her.

Sagarra was with Mirrith and Laranth, paddling in the lake; with Mirrith's enthusiastic help she was digging a hole to construct her own personal bathing pit. R'gar laughed.

"Sweetheart, it's no good bathing there, it's all muddy." He told her. Sagarra smiled seraphically.

"I don't mind." She said. "I like being muddy."

oOoOo

It occurred to Pilgra suddenly that a sensitive hold-bred child like Talana might have been shocked if, as she suspected, R'gar had been carried away by dragon lust. She decided to visit the girl and offer any condolences needed. After all, she, Pilgra was a trifle nervous of R'gar and he spent most of his time shouting at T'lan. When she found T'lan clad only in a drying cloth, her hair dripping down her back she thought of the stories she had heard of girls subjected to rape obsessively washing.

T'lan was glad to rid herself of the sweat that had accumulated on her body and, unaware of Pilgra's forebodings, cheerfully waved her friend to a chair and disappeared into a drying cloth to towel her hair.

"'Scuse the state of undress" she said in a rather muffled way.

"My dear, do you feel bad about it?" asked Pilgra, sympathetically.

T'lan emerged, astonished to stare at her uncomprehending.

"You mean about Mirrith's silly prank?" she asked, finally thinking she understood. "Well there's no harm been done, and she'll not do it again; and Laranth and R'gar have forgiven her."

Pilgra, hazy about that time other than over events directly connected with Segrith, shook her head. What had Mirrith done? Had that been the reason for R'gar's presence in T'lan's chamber not the conclusion to which she had initially jumped..

"I saw R'gar coming out of your weyr" Pilgra said conversationally, seeing if that would get her anywhere.

"Uh-huh?" Talana was giving nothing away.

"So you feel all right then? He's not the easiest of people…" Pilgra tried again, curious as well as sympathetic.

T'lan stared at her.

"Oh yes. Thank you." She said. "Good flight?"

The intention was to divert; it succeeded. Pilgra grinned wickedly.

"I'll say. He and Orth get a lot less er, serious when they're otherwise occupied." The little weyrwoman chuckled. T'lan grinned,

"Great, we'll get a good clutch then too if Segrith had a good time too."

Pilgra was dying to ask why R'gar had been in T'lan's weyr; but T'lan seemed so unaware that anything could be wrong that she was becoming more and more convinced that her first guess was wrong. Help! What had she said to R'gar when she met him? He must think her crazy. It was, reflected Pilgra the one drawback of a good flight; one got sex on the brain. Best to extricate herself as gracefully as possible.

"I was going for lunch" she said nonchalantly

"I'll be right along." Said Talana, relieved that Pilgra had abandoned her questioning.

oOoOo

R'gar sought out Talana sometime later. Like him, she had been thinking hard, not so much unsure of her feelings as half-afraid of the intensity of them. She jumped as he came up behind her and touched her lightly on the shoulder, then turned to him, smiling shyly. R'gar almost forgot what he wanted to talk about as she reached up her hand to touch his face. He took her hands and held them.

"I wanted to talk." He said. "I want your opinion as a friend –and as a woman."

T'lan felt and looked disconcerted; but she sat down with her back to a dozing Mirrith and patted the ground beside her. R'gar dropped into a squat a little way away, and she felt a touch of dismay. He was putting a physical distance between the to reinforce his mental barriers. What could it be now? She wondered.

"It's Sagarra." He said at length. "You've been looking after her I believe."

Talana nodded.

"Yes, and the boys have helped. Is there anything wrong? She's said nothing to me; and she's usually pretty confiding. Has anyone hurt her?" her brow furrowed.

R'gar was touched by Talana's genuine concern for his daughter.

"There's nothing wrong so far as I know" he said "But I've expected too much of you. I was wondering if I should ask someone to foster her formally."

There was a long moment's silence. Then Talana asked in a small voice

"Are you dissatisfied with the way I've looked after her? I keep her mostly clean and she eats with the rest of us and I always tell her a bedtime story and she loves to help with Mirrith. And I always try to be there if she needs anyone."

"It's not that at all" R'gar told her.

"Then it's because I'm your mistress? I didn't think I'd be thought soiled in a weyr" Talana was distressed and puzzled.

"T'lan – Talana, my dear. I do not find you wanting. In any way. But you're little more than a child yourself – I don't want to lay too much on you, caring for Sagarra as well as for Mirrith." He said gently. "You're so young"

Talana opened her mouth to say something; then shut it firmly with a shake of her head.

"What?" he asked.

"I was going to use an unfair argument" she said. He nodded.

"That you weren't to young for me to bed you. I suppose that's debatable."

Talana snorted.

"Weyrbred children are such babies." She said. "I suppose you keep them children longer and make such a fuss of them because they're so few. And of course they get to grow up rather a lot after they Impress because there's nothing like fighting Thread to develop a sense of responsibility – and I can see that with that in store most parents want to provide a long happy childhood by way of compensation. In a hold, a girl's an adult as soon as her body's ready to breed. After all, there's not a lot else a girl can do but marry and produce a quiverful of brats to help the family economy. A lot of girls my age are already mothers. My cousin Lindanna must be close on twenty turns and when I left she had three children and another on the way. Honestly, R'gar, Sagarra's no trouble, Sagally had trained her not to be a bother I guess, and it's not like having a baby around. She can clean and feed herself and the boys help amuse her, and she learns loads helping with Mirrith. I love her, R'gar. Don't take her away from me."

"What about when you move on from me to another lover?"

Talana went pale.

"If you are regretting us, say so now R'gar before I get used to being happy" she said. "But I still love Sagarra, whether you want me or not."

"I don't want to end it!" he almost shouted at her. "I'm just assuming you'll move on one day."

"I don't understand you R'gar, I really don't! " she shouted back.

"Little idiot, you'll be wanting someone else before the snow falls. I know that. I may find it hard to accept but I have to." His voice was low and tightly controlled.

"Sagally" growled Talana. "I'd like to tie her wherry-neck in a knot" she threw her arms around him before he could answer. "She's hurt you so bad, how am I ever going to sort you out?"

"What makes you say she's hurt me?" he held her close, burying his face in her hair.

"It's obvious. The way you get shut in on yourself and won't let me in. and in your fever you spoke about being the same person although you were scarred; and you were worried about that" she blushed "Earlier. I guess she likes someone pretty to look good with like that handsome dimglow she's with now."

R'gar was silent for a while, stroking her hair and back as the late afternoon shadows lengthened almost imperceptibly. Mirrith shifted her tail back into the last of the sun. At length he spoke.

"I guess I owe it to you to tell you about Sagally."

"Only if you want to my love" she slipped her hand into his and he lifted it to kiss, then examined each slender finger absently as he continued his narrative.

"She was beautiful, so fair like sunlight on corn." He smiled ruefully. "There's nothing of the harper in me but I used to write poems about her and to her. It seemed wonderful that she wanted me too. Maybe you're right about her wanting someone to look good with; I was handsome then and she certainly showed me around all her people at the Hold."

He stopped.

"I don't want to write poetry about you." He said. "I'd rather take you riding and teach you to guddle fish in the tarn where my father taught me."

"That sounds much nicer than being poetised" agreed Talana, snuggling. He went on,

"After the – accident – she laughed at me when I was well enough to go and see her. She said how could I expect her to be seen with someone as – as repulsive as me. I don't think I'd got the patch then." He said absently.

"Well the dead one's scarcely a thing of beauty and a joy forever" said Talana prosaically "In fact" she added candidly "It's a mess, but that's no big deal."

"Thank you little love. Well there's not much else to tell. She was with child. I offered to take the baby and have her fostered in the weyr; but I'd annoyed Sagally by pestering her when her new lover was around." He grinned whimsically. "I offered to match his eye to mine. I think I got carried away – I've always had a hot temper."

Talana smiled at him.

"Do tell" she murmured. He smiled back.

"Yes, you've suffered from it. I can't think why you put up with me. Not that I'm complaining" he added hastily. "Anyway, she decided to punish me by withholding my child. I'd never even have seen her without the connivance of Lanelly. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about you!"

"She knows."

"She knows? Well, I suppose I'm not surprised. She told me it'd all work out. I hope…"

Talana put her finger to his lips.

"No more pessimism tonight, R'gar." She said firmly. "I'm going to put Sagarra to bed; then I'm going to devote some time to persuading you that you'll never be trying to get rid of me. Then when we've some days Threadfree we can visit Lanelly and tell her that the three of us are happy together."

Laranth's warble was audible.

"Laranth says you mean the five of us" grinned R'gar. "Now hurry back and let's try a spell of just the two of us."

oOoOoOo

Talana woke with a start as R'gar shook her. She knuckled the sleep from her eyes and blinked hazily at him.

"Wake up T'lan. The hatching has begun at Benden!"

"Hatching at Benden?" she asked wondering what that had to do with her.

"You've been invited by F'lar to go with the High Reaches contingent. M'kel's waiting for you – or he'd better be –and Pilgra's loudly regretting that Segrith's worrying about damaging her clutch." Talana was already scrambling from under her furs and into her clothes. The warm snap was still ongoing but the temperature dropped overnight and, shivering in the predawn air, she lost no time dressing. Tiptoeing past a still sleeping Mirrith she emerged into the Bowl, stars twinkling coldly above. M'kel called a cheery greeting and she swung up onto Vorth, wondering when he'd shrunk.

Soon they were away and into the blackness of between. When they emerged over Benden's mile-long bowl three heartbeats later, Talana gasped, marvelling at the skill of the numerous dragons arriving, nicely timed and placed so as to avoid collision.

"So many!" she gasped. M'kel chuckled.

"Hatching attracts people from all over. Holders, weyrfolk. Harpers, Crafters – you name it! I always have great admiration for the dragons that there's never been an accident."

oOoOo

The hatching grounds were filled with the sound of humming dragons. The tiers were already almost full of watchers. Talana picked out the harper blue of the Masterharper and his contingent and several lords whom she recognised from description and by their colours. F'lar stood with Lessa near the entrance of their joint weyr. Talana hoped to catch his eye; but he was busy greeting guests.

Suddenly a cracking noise indicated that hatching had begun. Everywhere on the hot sands it seemed that shells were cracking, dragonets tumbling out of them dragging their damp clumsy bodies in search of their chosen life friends. As the boys stepped forward and the Impressions were made, T'lan remembered the first wonderful moment when she had looked into Mirrith's eyes. Guiltily she wondered whether Mirrith had yet awoken.

"Yes. Where are you?" The reply in her head was reproachful.

"I was called to the Benden hatching. Go back to sleep. I'll be home soon."

She became aware of the crowd murmuring. M'kel turned to her.

"See that?" he said excitedly. "Fel – F'lessan got a bronze."

"So he should." Retorted T'bor. "F'lar's and Lessa's son would be unlikely to Impress any dragon but a Bronze"

Talana felt inordinately proud of the brother she had never met; but something caught her eye.

"What's wrong with that little Green?" she asked, pointing across the cavern, where a green dragonet struggled past all the waiting boys creeling piteously.

"She's refused them all!" said M'kel incredulously.

The little dragon struggled to the tier and tried desperately to climb up. Suddenly a girl ran down and cradled the dragonet's chin as it grazed it helplessly on the steps. The girl looked up, eyes shining

"Her name is Path!" she said wonderingly

"Great shells!" said T'bor. "Mirrim's Impressed a dragon! Who'd have thought it – a girl Impressing a Green! Pilgra will be sick to have missed this – she was discussing the possibility with me not that long ago!"

"Who's Mirrim?" asked T'lan

"She's Brekke's fosterling." Explained T'bor.

Talana grinned and saluted the girl who had roused her fellow feeling by also Impressing a Green.

oOoOo

Talana was peppered with questions when she returned. She repeated over and over that F'lessan had Impressed a Bronze and that Mirrim had unexpectedly Impressed a Green.

"I suppose" asked Lirilly "You didn't happen to notice what Lessa was wearing?" her tone implied she held little hope. Talana looked surprised

"A dress, I think." She said, "I wasn't really looking at her. I think it was green."

"What style? What sort of dress?" asked Lirilly, exasperated.

"Umm, long. I think. Does it matter? The important people were wearing white tunics." said T'lan. "And Lessa didn't have to wear anything practical, she wasn't flying."

"Oh – boys!" Lirilly made a face. "I can't think why YOU got to go and I didn't. After all I'm a Queen rider"

"Because Ah was axsed; and thee wasn't" retorted T'lan dropping into a country dialect she knew would irritate Lirilly. "Vanira went for the Queens and you can't complain about that, she's years older than you." She added, "And if you will sit so high on your pride you must expect to get a sore arse" and she stumped off to fuss Mirrith before anyone else could plague her with questions, well aware she'd be among the questioners had another gone; but too choked with emotion still from the hatching and wanting to share it with her beloved Mirrith.