Birth and Re-Death

Chapter 10: Heroically Swinging for the Nuts

It's pretty weird being back with the Shepherds on the battlefield. Already, my life at Maribelle's feels like it was a different life, even though it was only a few weeks ago. I slip seamlessly into the groove of combat with the others, as if I had known them for years (and I suppose, in a sense, I have). It's another one of those trippy moments that have been happening lately where I'm more comfortable than I have any real right to be.

Robin has the good sense to pair everyone off (read: exploit the pair-up mechanic) before the battle, so I'm hitting the field with Chrom to make sure he doesn't get bloodied up too badly. However, as expected, my man is a little bit overleveled for this stage, so he's pretty much kicking ass.

That is, until he overswings into one of the Risen and ends up caught between two more of them, a lance soldier and a fighter. Now he's in trouble; while he turns toward the soldier to fend off the weapon disadvantage, he's got no choice but to turn his back to the axe-wielder.

Before the fighter can bring his swing down, though, I rush between them and raise my staff, holding it sideways to block the attack. Mercifully, the staff takes the blow like a champ and knocks the Risen off balance. Not one to waste an opportunity, I turn the staff in my hands and hit the fighter once, twice, and on the third blow to his head he falls to the ground.

The bottom of a staff isn't exactly sharp; it's more like a dull point you might see on a fence post or something. Pointier than a sphere, rounder than a spear, you could say.

Anyway, stabbing someone with it is pretty difficult, but after a few vigorous attempts (and some pretty nasty squelching noises), I finally manage to drive it into the fighter's chest. After a moment, the Risen starts dissolving, which makes pulling the staff out much easier than putting it in. Also, it's weirdly comforting not having blood just go everywhere after killing it. This is the rated T game I signed up for!

I turn around and find Chrom gaping at me a little. After a second, he shakes his head, snapping out of it. "Let's go!" he says, and we press on.

I'm impressed by Robin's talent for management on the fly. When fighting Risen, their strength is phenomenal, but if you can outmaneuver them, they don't pose a threat. Robin seems to have that down to a science, directing small groups to outflank and divide the Risen horde.

"Stahl! Frederick! Shoot the gap!" Robin commands, and the cavaliers ride through a large mass of enemies, splitting them in half and then in fourths so that Virion and the mages can work on one small group at a time from a safe distance. Overall, once Robin has a chance to get organized, it seems like she has a firm handle on the situation. Before long, the rest of the Risen have been put down and the portal closes up.

Chrom catches up with me as we walk back to the Shepherds caravan. "Good gods, Randall. I don't think I've seen a healing staff used quite like that before. That was something."

I shrug. "I mean, it's made of metal and seems like it can take a hit. Why not use every resource we have in battle, right?"

He smiles. "I like that. You sound a little like our fair tactician, I'd say."

After the fight, everyone takes a little break to regroup. Lissa, Maribelle, and I make sure everyone's got their injuries healed up. Aside from Donny, who remains underleveled for the time being, and Vaike, who seems to enjoy being a punching bag, it seems everyone made it out alright. I'll admit, it's an extreme relief to be able to relax a little bit, not having to worry about every person in the group all the time. As I finish closing some flesh wounds on Donny, I notice my blood-covered hands are trembling. I excuse myself to take a break for a little while. Lissa takes over without missing a beat and I head outside and sit at the base of a shady tree.

I take a minute to just breathe. In. Out. That's the way. Everyone's safe. Everything's fine. Just breathe a little. After a minute or two, I'm feeling okay again.

I think what happened to Jackson and the others might have shaken me a little more than I thought at first.

Ylisstol is one pretty city. I haven't been here in a while, but if anything it just got shinier. Emmeryn really runs a tight ship around here, considering the fear the rest of the country is going through with Plegians knocking at the door. For now, the city remains pretty lively, and why not? No one but the Shepherds know that we are at war yet. The citizens crowd along the sides of the streets as Emmeryn waves daintily from her position near the front of the pack. We make our way toward the city's center, and at the Exalted palace Emmeryn and her entourage break off to immediately discuss what to do next while we head back to the barracks.

For the most part, things kind of calm down for a little while. Even though the threat of war looms on the horizon, we can't do much about it, so Chrom tells us we should plan to train and regroup.

"Even so," he says, "don't let your guard down, even here at home. Plegia has been pushing for war for a long time now, and there's no real way of knowing how many of their own could already be lurking around." So that's comforting. Regardless, he dismisses us so that he can hurry off to meet with Emmeryn and the others.

For my part, I think I am in need of a proper detox. I am beyond relieved to get to see my old room in the barracks again, as it means a real, actual bed that I don't have to share with any lecherous archers. I flop onto the bed gratefully, feeling a little like I did the first time I ever lay here as the built-up stress, both physical and mental, starts to seep out. I accidentally fall asleep, even though it's early afternoon.

Just as quickly, I wake up to a room doused in shadow. Looks like I slept until the middle of the night. I inwardly thank everyone for just letting me sleep for a while. I sit up slowly, stretching and feeling like myself for the first time in a while.

"Good evening, Randall."

"GAH!"

Oh, it's Lucina again, sitting politely in my chair on the opposite side of the room. Looks like my room has once again been invaded via the window. God damnit Lucina, you can't keep doing that.

"God damnit Lucina, you can't keep doing that," I say.

She at least has the courtesy to look a little ashamed behind her mask. "I apologize for entering uninvited once again," she says quietly, removing the mask and setting it on the arm of the chair.

"I think the term you're looking for is 'breaking in', actually," I say, placing a hand on my chest to make sure my heart is calming down.

"Er, yes. Again, my apologies."

I turn to face her, legs hanging off the bed. "So, what's the story?" I gasp, sudden realization hitting me. "It's not tonight, is it?"

"No, not tonight," she replies, raising a hand to calm me back down. "It won't be for a few days yet. You really do know what's going to happen, don't you?" she asks thoughtfully.

I sigh in relief. "Yeah, to an extent, I do. So what are you doing here?" I ask.

She stands, crossing over to me and sitting on the floor next to the bed. "I want to know. Is my intervention going to help? Can Exalt Emmeryn be saved?"

Oh, shit. What do I tell her? "Well, in this situation she can be saved. With your foreknowledge and Panne's assistance, we should probably be able to turn the tide."

"So Panne really will come, then… What do you mean by 'in this situation'?"

"To be honest, it will depend." On whether the SpotPass chapters are canon or not. "On a lot of things. To say I know what will happen is probably inaccurate. I know what could happen, and even then it's possible I'm totally wrong."

"What does that mean? You, er, future you, made it seem like you would have a firm grasp on what would happen." Ugh, that guy again. Seems like he's causing as much trouble as he's alleviating for me.

"Nothing is ever as easy as it might seem," I say. "I've got a pretty good idea of how the larger general things will go, but when it comes to the little stuff there's room for a lot of variables."

"I… see. I suppose that clears things up a little bit," she says slowly. I can tell she's just being polite, though. She looks pretty confused.

"Look, there will be some times when I'll know pretty much exactly what will happen, and then there will be times when I'm totally clueless. I'll usually know when I get there. I'll try to keep you in the loop when I can, if it helps."

She smiles. "I appreciate it." She relaxes a little, sitting back and leaning on her hands splayed behind her.

"So," I say, "you come from the future. A future that most likely won't come to pass, but no doubt an enlightening one. You make it seem like I was still alive when you left."

"That's right. You, um, the other Randall, that is, offered to keep Grima at bay while the rest of us made our way to safety to perform the ritual to open the portals to the past. I… can't imagine you made it." She looks down.

I wonder how that works. Maybe he's been living the same day for quite a while, or maybe he lost that power somehow when the portals opened, or something. It's difficult to speculate. I hope that whatever happened, he didn't suffer too much.

"That's sure something. I'm glad I was at least a good enough guy to give you kids time to get outta Dodge," I say, attempting a reassuring smile.

"It wasn't inconsistent with your usual way of doing things."

"Huh?"

"You were gentle, and kind, despite all that you had lost. All the friends, and family, that you couldn't save from Grima's wrath. I could tell, even as a little girl, that you blamed yourself for their loss." And rightly so, I imagine, but I don't say that part aloud. "It made us sad to see how much their loss grieved you, but you showed us that life is good and that the lives our parents lived were worth remembering. Most of what we knew about our parents we learned from the stories you would tell us. I… can't tell you how much I…" Oh wow, I wasn't expecting Lucina to start crying here. I sit there a little awkwardly, not sure if I should move to give her a hug or what. Before I make a decision one way or the other, she speaks again. "I'm sorry. It's just that our parents were taken from us when we were so young, and you were like a father to so many of us..."

That's unexpected. I guess it makes sense though. I wonder how many of the kids will be different than I remember as a result of living with me. For that matter, I wonder…

"Hey Lucina, did I have any kids of my own?" I ask.

She looks puzzled. "That seems like the sort of thing you would already know."

"You'd be surprised. Like I said, there are huge gaps in my knowledge."

She gives a teary shrug. "Well, of course you did." She takes a second to compose herself, wiping her tears off with the backs of her hands and taking a few deep breaths. "First, there's your daughter F–"

Knock knock. I don't have a clock, but I'm pretty sure this is a weird time for someone to come knocking. For her part, Lucina yelps (I would later reflect on how cute the sound was) and springs over to the chair, slapping her mask back on her face. In one fluid motion, she crosses to the open window and springs outside.

Oh no you don't, I'm gonna see how you do that shit this time. I jump off my bed and sprint to the window, but God damnit it's too dark to see where she went. That's gonna drive me nuts.

Knock knock. Alright, fine, let's see who it is. I cross to the door and put on my best tired face.

Oh. Hello Virion. That's not who I was expecting.

"Ah, excellent; I thought I had heard some talking in here, so I reasoned you must be awake," he says. He peers inside around my shoulder. "Is there not… anyone else here?"

I lean against the doorframe. "Nope. Just… just me, talking to myself. I got into that habit when I was imprisoned."

"Was Lady Maribelle not with you when you were held by the Plegians? I believe you reported a few days ago that the pair of you were kept in a singular underground cell. Why would you need to talk to yourself?"

"...She slept a lot."

He looks in my eyes for a moment, and I'm reminded of how piercing his gaze is. It's kinda scary, if I'm being honest. "Regardless, you're awake. I was wondering if I might be so bold as to request a favor from you."

"What could you possibly need this late at night?"

He shifts around a little. "Well, to be perfectly honest, it's not the sort of thing I want to be public knowledge. I may have been involved in some, shall we say, unsavory business with a nobleman from one of the estates surrounding Ylisstol, and on my end the money is coming up just a bit short."

"What kind of unsavory business, exactly?" I raise a brow.

He waves a hand. "Unimportant. The part that concerns you is that tonight, I am meant to meet with an emissary from the lord of said estate to pay my dues to the gentleman."

"Money that I'm assuming you don't have?"

He points a finger at me. "Precisely. So when I meet with the emissary, I must convince him to allow me some more time to obtain the funds necessary to repay his master."

"Why bother going to meet with him at all if you're coming up empty-handed?" I ask.

He looks off to the side. "Well, truth be told, he knows that I am staying here with the Shepherds. If I don't go to meet with him now, then he will no doubt have his men track me down here. And as much as I have no doubt Lord Chrom has the best of intentions, I am unsure I've ingratiated myself adequately to request formal assistance from the Shepherds as a whole."

"Not to mention you're probably in the wrong on this deal anyway," I add.

"Not… wholly untrue, Randall."

I step back into my room to pull on my robes. "So what, you want me to come along and look tough or something?"

He takes a couple steps into the room himself. "Not as such. I have another ally set aside for the more battle-ready side of things. I would prefer to have you waiting in the wings with that healing staff of yours in case things should, ehem, go awry."

"That's comforting," I say, grabbing my staff. Why the hell am I going along with this?

We head downstairs to the common area of the barracks, where Robin is waiting. I guess she must be the muscle he's recruited.

"Did he just get you because you were already awake?" she asks as we cross to where she's sitting.

"Yeah, my sleep schedule got a little out of whack, so I just woke up a little bit ago," I reply.

She stands up and yawns, stretching a little. "Good, at least you'll be fresh. I tried to sleep before, but I've been off and on all night. The days ahead are going to be very busy, and very stressful." Poor Robin. She really does look pretty worn-out. Instead of her usual twintails, her hair is pulled back into one untidy ponytail, and her eyes have dark bags beneath them.

Virion stands between us. "Thank you both very much for volunteering your assistance on such short notice. We will be heading just outside the city walls to meet with the emissary."

"I've got 500 gold that says he repos your kidney in an ice bath," I say.

Robin laughs. I may have misjudged her sense of humor. "I wouldn't be surprised either. The way you talk about it, Virion, it sounds like you might deserve what's coming to you."

He scowls at us. "Well, it's your jobs tonight to make sure that all of me, including my kidneys, makes it back here intact."

"Speaking of, will we be getting paid for this little expedition?" I ask.

"I will owe the pair of you a very large favor. Those in contact with Virion's personal network know very well how useful a favor from yours truly can be," he replies, running a hand confidently through his hair.

"So, I'm hearing 'no.' Are you also hearing 'no,' Robin?"

She smirks. "That's what I'm hearing."

Virion throws his hands up, then lets them clap against his sides. "Are the pair of you going to assist or not?"

"Sure, sure. Just giving you some shit," I say.

"Let's just go," Virion sighs.

This looks like a place where people who don't have the money on time go to get shanked. We are crouching behind a bush in sight of a very run-down, shabby-looking abandoned barn on the outskirts of one of the small towns surrounding the capital, and no one seems to be around at this ungodly hour. But for the light that Robin's clever use of a Fire tome is providing, there are no lights anywhere either.

"So we have to go inside there?" I whisper, not wanting to disturb the relative quiet.

"Unfortunately, not quite. I was instructed to meet him alone, so the pair of you will need to wait outside and be ready if I get into any unforeseen trouble," Virion replies, looking more than a little nervous now that we're here.

"Yeah, that can't go wrong," I say.

"Sounds like it's the only option," Robin says, shrugging. I shrug in turn and we both take a seat on the ground.

Virion turns around briefly after he gets to his feet. "If you hear trouble, please waste no time, Robin," he says shakily. She nods, and he heads over to the barn door. When he opens it, the light from a lantern inside shines through the open doorway, so it seems his contact is already here. The door is shut behind him.

"What do you figure are the chances he actually talks his way out of this?" I ask Robin.

"It's a little difficult to say," she replies. "On one hand, based on his flirting ability, or more accurately I'd say his lack thereof, he doesn't exactly inspire confidence. On the other, he managed to seamlessly slide into the ranks of the Shepherds and is clearly a man who knows how to create a network of powerful connections. Maybe he can manage something."

"Though you have to admit, getting into the Shepherds isn't exactly difficult," I say. "You and I managed it the same day that Virion did, and you're an amnesiac with what appears to be mild OCD and I'm a novice healer without a day's experience prior to joining up. Compared with Virion's undeniable skill with a bow, I'd say we were the lucky recruits that day."

"When you put it like that…" Robin says, rubbing the back of her head. "Wait, what's OCD?"

I consider explaining what I actually know about OCD (I took a psych class once), but then I remember that this universe has yet to get down the basics of how gravity works. "Basically, you're the queen of the micromanagers. You have to know where everyone is and what they're doing basically all the time."

She shrugs. "Fair. Anyway, we will just have to wait and see."

A few minutes pass in relative quiet. Robin quietly studies her Elthunder tome as we sit around waiting. I guess I hadn't thought about how magic tomes are literally books that can be read.

"Interesting reading?" I ask.

She looks up. "No, not really. It's mostly runes designed to keep the magic bound to the page, but I'm wondering if there's a way to preserve the pages even after their magic is expended. It would be much easier to reuse a tome if the runes on the pages were kept intact rather than being destroyed with every use."

Looks like someone's looking to get ahold of the Armsthrift skill. "Sounds like a good idea. Are you hoping you'll be able to manage that by studying the pages really closely?"

"It's a place to start," she sighs.

At that moment, our conversation is interrupted by an unmistakably feminine shriek from inside the barn. That'll be Virion. Seems negotiations didn't go his way.

"Trouble! I'm heading in. You hang back here a minute," Robin commands, jumping to her feet and emerging from behind the bush to rush to the barn. Before I can warn her to be careful (or say anything else, for that matter), I hear a few thunks, and Robin hits the ground, newly perforated by arrows along her right side.

"God damnit!" I shout as I get to my feet, not knowing where to go. I have to get to Robin, but out in the open there I will be a sitting duck. An arrow whizzes past me, so close I can feel the air disturbance near my ear. I narrowly manage not to wet myself.

"R-Randall!" Robin cries on the ground. "Where are they? Where are they?" I guess that answers the question of whether she's alive.

"Off to the right!" I call back. In the faint starlight, I can make out a few shapes moving behind a low stone retaining wall a few dozen feet away.

"How many?" Robin asks frantically.

"I can't get close!" I yell back, ducking to avoid another arrow. Still, considering it's quickly looking like this is a dead run anyway, I figure I should try to learn what I can for next time.

I step out from behind the bush and attempt something akin to a serpentine running pattern while making for the retaining wall.

"What are you doing?" Robin sputters. It sounds like she's fading pretty quickly; these guys must be pretty good shots. Speaking of, a few more narrow misses whoosh past me. I'm gonna run out of luck here in a second.

Aaaand there it is. One arrow catches me in the stomach, making me gasp in pain as my innards make way for their new neighbor. Still, adrenaline keeps me moving forward, even as two more arrows catch me, one in the right shoulder and one glancing shot that slices the outside of my thigh.

Painful though the wounds are, I manage to make it all the way to the waist-high retaining wall. Of course, now that I'm here I need to actually do something about these guys. One wounded healer on three archers is not a favorable matchup. What can I use, what can I use…?

Ah, there's a thought.

I raise my staff and hold the orb end toward the archers, then let some magic loose, squeezing my eyes shut. As I hoped, the bright white light flashing from the staff throws the archers off-balance. A couple of them yell in pain; I imagine they've been in the dark all evening until now. Once they're disoriented, I hop over the wall and waste no time swinging my staff into one of their heads, knocking him down.

Holy crap this might actually work out.

I whirl around and strike another archer squarely in the jaw. The cracking noise that comes from that hit is not pleasant, to say the least. The last one has an arrow nocked, but a timely flash of light from my staff coupled with a ducking maneuver makes him lose his target, so the arrow only nicks my ear as it flies past.

Adrenaline revitalized by the near-headshot I just experienced, I swing the lower end of the staff upwards and catch him in the crotch with the psuedo-pointed base. Wheezing, he drops to the ground.

The first guy is already recovering. Before he can get back to his feet, I swing for the side of his head once again. Same story for the second guy. However, as I turn to make sure Archer #3 stays down, I feel another arrow hit me, this time in the chest. Ow.

Yet when I look down, the third guy is still writhing on the ground. Is there a fourth–

Thunk. Another arrow to the chest. I fall to a knee. I can see the shaft of the arrow sticking upwards out of the wound. That means–

Thunk. A guy on the roof. My vision is fading fast, but I can still just barely make out his silhouette against the starlit sky behind him.

Don't forget for next time. There's a guy on the roof. God damnit.

A/N: Hey guys! Been longer than I intended to take for this chapter, but for the first time I've actually been mapping out where I'm going with this hot mess! Woo! Thanks for your patience.

Additionally, I thought it's about time I address some of the many comments I've gotten so far. Even though I love hearing from you guys, I am terrible at actually replying to comments directly. I thought it might be fun to address some of them down here, but if that sounds lame to you, feel free to stop reading here.

…

Are they gone? Good. Alright, so first I'd seriously like to thank all those who have been complimentary about the quality of my work. As if my ego needed any more inflating, right? Really though, it means so much to get support from you guys. In particular, I'd like to thank a reader by the name of Syntaxis; during the story's infancy, your well-developed, encouraging reviews were especially appreciated, and I regret not saying so until literally months later. Thx bby

And now to address some of the questions I get asked!

Q: Is this story based on Re:Zero?
A: Kinda! Also Dark Souls, Groundhog Day, and plenty of other looper stories. I really dig the idea of having a second, self-aware chance to get something right.

Q: Will Randall suffer mental breakdowns as a result of the constant do-overs?
A: Yeah, probably. Wouldn't you?

Q: Is Randall ever going to get a Bolt Axe?
A: Maybe? I'm leaning towards no. You'll see why.

Q: Why didn't Randall try to convert Aversa since he knows she's brainwashed by Validar?
A: He was pissed. No matter how much it might not be their 'fault' per se, if you saw someone holding the freshly removed head of one of your friends, I imagine converting them to the light wouldn't be high on your list of priorities either.

Q: Will Randall ever have a pet? (Baby dragons were specified)
A: I have no plans for such a thing. Not a solid no, but a proooobably no. Probably.

Q: Maribelle?
A: You'll see.

Seriously, thank you guys so much for joining me on this adventure. I hope you have even half as much fun reading this as I do writing it. As always, comments and critiques are welcome. From now on I may go so far as to address some direct questions in the notes, but no firm promises (especially if you guys didn't like it). See you next time!