Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch
Author: mykindofparty
Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany, but dating Mack. There's Brittany who's finally figured out her feelings for Santana and no longer engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.
Disclaimer: Like I mentioned in the first chapter, not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office. And I am not responsible for anyone clawing their eyes out… killer cereal.
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! I'm sure you're just as glad as I am that Santana's finally back at DuMi LiBra! Oh, and feel free to check out my Tumblr. There's a link on my profile. This chapter is dedicated to my TBFF, Jax, who is as awesome as they come and to JJ at themostrandomfandom as a (very) belated birthday present!
(Terri's office – where she is playing with a rubber band while on speakerphone)
"You're going to have to work on your communication, Terri," Will says. "Not only with me, but with your employees as well. I'm trusting you to do a good job with this mini-merger."
"Sorry, what was that? I wasn't listening," Terri replies as she inadvertently shoots the rubber band across the room. "I'm kidding!" she shakes her head at the camera. "Don't – don't hang up."
"That would defeat the purpose of this conversation. Anyway, just remember that your new staff members aren't used to your… unorthodox method of managing the office. All I ask is that you try not to alienate them. And please don't put them through 'initiation'."
"But it's tradition!" Terri protests. "When else do I get to dress up as an Injun Chief? Huh? When?"
"It's Native American."
"Will, that's offensive. No one plays Cowboys and Native Americans."
"I promise you it's not as offensive as what you said."
"Fine, I'll meet you halfway. Eskimo."
"I don't even know why we're having this argument. Whatever. As long as you don't do it on company property or time," he cautions.
"I can't promise that, Will."
TERRI: But I do know from Pocahontas that 'savage' is unacceptable. It's the raccoon's favorite movie.
(The reception desk – Brittany ignores the phone)
"Aren't you going to get that?" Tina asks her.
"They'll call back if it's important," she replies.
"Yeah, but what if you don't answer then either?" Tina says. "Aren't you worried about Terri like, firing you or something?"
Brittany shrugs. "I do it all the time and I'm still here."
"For now," Rachel adds from her desk. "Who's to say there isn't another receptionist coming today? One who actually answers the phone."
BRITTANY: I wear my hair the same way every day; in your basic, standard ponytail. Today, I decided to let it down. No real reason. But enough about my hair... What was the question again?
INTERVIEWER (off-screen): How do you feel about Santana returning?
BRITTANY: Can we go back to talking about my hair?
RACHEL: This may sound conceited, but I'm the top seller here and if these Dayton people think they're going to usurp that title, they've got another thing coming. I once sent a girl to a crack house.
(The warehouse, Puck watches one of the dockhands drive a forklift when his phone rings)
"You've reached Puckerman," he answers. "Press one if you'd like to take care of my stiffy in a jiffy. Press two if you're a dude. Or Santana. Press three for threesome, but only if pressing two doesn't apply to you."
"What happens if I press four?" Santana says dryly on the other end of the line.
"Four is for whores."
Santana laughs. "Damn, I set myself up for that one."
"Why are you calling me? Shouldn't you be sharpening your pencils and packing your lunch and waving goodbye to your mommy and daddy?" he asks.
"This isn't the first day of kindergarten, dumbass. I'm just… nervous."
"Wait, I thought you said this wasn't kindergarten," Puck teases. "But I can tell you're worried about seeing Brittany for the first time since you fessed up about your mondo crush on her during recess."
"It's going to be weird no matter what, y'know? I've missed her, but at the same time I'm still so angry at her for rejecting me. Maybe I should just avoid her."
"Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk in there like you own the damn place because as far as I'm concerned, you did before you left. Then you're gonna march up to her and say, 'What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies?'"
"Oh God, not a dead baby joke."
"My cock."
"Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather stab my own eyeball with a fork than tell her that."
"Just be yourself, pumpkin, you're gonna make lots of friends," Puck teases as a crash is heard in the distance. "Ah, crap. I gotta go. Azimio knocked over the crate that holds all our empty beer bottles."
PUCK: I'm kinda stuck in the warehouse since Artie took a leave of absence. The worst part is I actually have to do stuff now. Like work. It's been a few years so I'm a little rusty. And um… don't repeat this to anybody, but I missed Santana, okay? Somebody's gotta help me get rid of Sugar once and for all.
(Terri rounds up everyone in the office)
"Good morning, good morning," she begins. "In case you forgot, some of the employees from the newly defunct Dayton Branch – R.I.H. – will be joining us for the first time a little bit later today. As your boss, it's my duty to remind you of these things since you still have jobs... thanks to me."
"Good Lord, Terri, you're never gonna let us forget that," Mercedes moans.
"What does R.I.H. stand for?" Finn asks.
"Oh that?" Terri says. "Rest in hell. Actually, it should be R.I.H.H.H. Rest in hell, Holly Holiday. I don't have anything against the rest of the Daytonians. Daytonites? Whatever, I'm counting on all of you to be friendly and welcome them to Lima. That includes you, Mercedes."
Mercedes sighs. "I make no promises."
"And Lauren," Terri continues, "don't sell them anything. I'd hate for them to declare bankruptcy before the clock strikes five."
"People come to me," Lauren says adamantly. "Not the other way around. Except for the fweed. I was pushing that hardcore. And the sex toys… which are on sale, by the way."
Terri pulls her aside. "You think we could meet up by your car later?" she whispers.
Lauren nods. "You got it, chief."
Terri clears her throat. "Now Finn, don't become aroused by the pretty girls. Remember, we only have one copy machine." She ignores Rachel's scowl and adds, "Kurt, the same goes for you with the boys."
Kurt and Finn exchange looks. "I'm not the one who got his penis stuck in the copier," Kurt states.
"No one ever believes me when I say that never actually happened," Finn says sadly.
"April, don't talk to them. Ever. At all," Terri says.
"If you drink too much vagina it'll make your Dr. Pepper smell," April tells the room. She pauses. "Whoa, I said that backways! Ah well, it's true both words. Huh… that's not right either."
Terri ignores her. "Mike and Tina, don't do that thing where you communicate via Asian telepathy. It's creepy. Emma, stay away from them, too. I don't want them to catch your crazy disease infection virus bacteria syndrome."
"You mean my obsessive-compulsive disorder?" Emma asks while polishing a grape.
Terri rolls her eyes. "Rachel, don't go to the bathroom every hour on the hour. It's stupid."
"But I have to!" Rachel argues. "The last time I held it in, I almost wet myself. I'm on a very strict schedule."
"Whatever you do, don't try and pee standing up," Finn advises. "Because they're called urinals for a reason. Not girlinals."
Sam laughs. "Nice one, Finn."
"That's disgusting! Don't encourage him, Sam," Quinn hisses. "Ever since Rachel's party you've been acting –"
"Hey Bobbsey Twins," Terri snaps, "none of your fighting. We don't want them to think we're uncivilized. It's why I left the raccoon at home."
"She should make a hat out of that vermin. That way when my Bontempo Road crew robs her blind I can keep it for myself," April says out of the blue. Everyone stares at her. "Oh crap, everybody's lookin' at me. They must be able to read my mind. April, Old Gal –whatever you do, don't think of all those times you've 'borrowed' their keys. It's less suspicious that way," she adds.
Terri glances at her watch. It's almost time for her midmorning nap so she decides to wrap up the meeting. "Somebody tape her mouth shut," she says. "Okay – don't really do it. I could get into a lot of trouble for that. And lastly, now that you're finally single, Brittany, try not to jump Santana's bones when she walks through the door. Now everybody go sell manila folders or something."
EMMA: Terri's been given a second chance at something that she screwed up dreadfully the first go round. And you know what they say; second chances are hard to come by. But I've also heard that the third time's the charm. I wonder what other branch will have to close in order for that to happen.
SAM: I guess the good thing is that I'm not the new guy anymore. Oh shit. Since Santana's coming back, does this mean I'm a temp again?
(The camera shows Mercedes on the phone)
"Yes," she says, "my name is Mercedes Jones and I'm calling because I need my locks changed immediately. Not tomorrow, not even later this afternoon, now. Great. Yeah, I'll make sure my husband will be home and I'll call you right back. Okay. Thanks. Bye."
Kurt walks up to her desk. "Smart move. I already had Blaine pass along the message to our super. What else do you think goes through April's mind?"
Mercedes shakes her head. "I have no idea."
MERCEDES: There's a whole realm of possibilities, but I'd say: booze, onions, the number for poison control, her most recent vacation to Mars, microwave sounds instead of elevator music, and tapioca. That last one's just a guess.
KURT: What disturbs me the most is that I always keep my keys in my front pants pocket.
(The accounting department, where Lauren is berating Finn)
"That goes under Accounts Receivable," Lauren says, annoyed. "Where'd you even get a finance degree, Hamburger University?"
"Hey! I didn't go to Hamburger U," Finn replies defensively before adding, "I didn't know that was an option."
"It's not a real college," Lauren snaps. "But frankly, I think you'd do a lot better there."
LAUREN: Supposedly there's another accountant coming in. Maybe this one won't confuse profits for cash flow or get Cheetos stains on every. single. form.
(Quinn's corner – Sam is sitting on her desk)
"I'm just saying if you're gonna pass out in another chick's bed at least take pictures," Sam says.
"How am I going to take pictures if I'm the one who's passed out?" Quinn argues.
"What really happened that night, Quinn?" Sam asks, poking her on the arm. "That's all I want to know."
Quinn scowls at him. "She said she wanted to patch things up with me and after we were done talking I fell asleep. Now leave. I put a customer on hold so we could have this discussion."
"It's more of an argument, really," he says.
"Discussion," Quinn insists.
Sam hops off her desk. "Just because you're not yelling doesn't mean it's not an argument."
QUINN: Sam is so frustrating. If he wants a real argument, I'll give him a reason to argue. Revenge is practically my middle name. Actually, it's Quinn, but whatever.
SAM: If this building was on fire and I physically couldn't save Quinn, I'm pretty sure her ghost would haunt me forever. But if this building was on fire and Quinn had the option to save me or not, I'd be six feet under and I doubt her conscience would keep her up at night. God, I'm pussy-whipped.
(Terri's office – where she is asleep. Brittany knocks on the door)
Terri jolts awake in her seat. "Come back later – I'm busy!" she says, fighting a yawn.
"No," Brittany says, peeking her head in. "I'm mad at you. And I don't get mad easily."
Terri rolls her eyes. "Brittany, the worst thing that happens when you're mad at someone is you refuse to add smiley faces and exclamation points to your memos."
"Well, would you rather have this discussion in your office or perhaps somewhere one of the new people could potentially overhear us?" Brittany asks.
Terri thinks for a moment. "First impressions are critical. I want to be adored by everyone – especially the new people who don't know any better. Okay, you can come in."
Brittany shuts the door behind her. "Why would you say that about me and Santana?"
"I can't help it, Brittany! Santana and I have more secrets than the Ya-Ya Sisterhood – but here's the thing – I'm terrible at keeping secrets! Sure, the kiss you shared was months ago, but do you know how hard it was for me to keep my trap shut? Besides, Tina's the one who spilled the beans about you and Artie. I am almost completely innocent!"
"That's the thing! I never told you that I have feelings for her and you blurted that out –"
"Have?" Terri interrupts hopefully.
Flustered, Brittany says, "What? No! That's not what I meant!"
"So what did you mean, Brittany? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a rather curious person."
"Nosy is more like it," Brittany replies, standing up.
"Hey! You never answered my question!" Terri shouts as the receptionist walks out.
TERRI: Where would the world be without office romances? No bosses cheating on their spouses with their secretaries; no wandering fingers during meetings; no mailroom rendezvous or covert lunch dates; and worst of all, no Will and Terri. And no Brittany and Santana… well, the jury's still out on that one.
BRITTANY: I'm going to stick to my guns and stay single for a while. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, I just know that maybe now isn't the time for me to rush into another relationship.
(The break room – Finn is looking at the vending machine when Rachel spots him from outside)
"Finn! There you are," Rachel says cheerfully.
"Hi Rachel," Finn replies, albeit with less enthusiasm.
"Can I ask you a question?" Rachel asks. "Why have you been avoiding me since my party?"
"Why did you avoid me at your party?" Finn counters. "I like you, Rachel," he continues with a shrug, "but it kind of hurt that you ignored me. Then Artie said he wanted a ride home and I figured you wouldn't even notice. And I was right."
"I didn't mean to –"
"Maybe we should stay friends," Finn says. He leaves her there, looking crestfallen.
FINN: I don't think women understand just how sensitive men really are. First Rachel ditched me and then Lauren yelled at me. I'm not made of rocks and I'm not stupid either!
RACHEL: I know overreacting and that was a textbook case. It's clear to me now that he can't handle Rachel Berry. Not if he's going to get upset every time I disappear to my bedroom with a girl.
(April's asleep at her desk. Mike pokes her with a pencil)
"I got a prescription for that," she mumbles.
"April, wake up."
She wipes a bit of drool off her face. "Wait, who the hell are you?" she asks him.
"It's me, Mike," he says. "Sometimes you call me Matt."
"I think I would remember you. You're the tallest Asian I've ever seen!"
"What about Yao Ming?"
April scratches her head. "He's Asian?"
APRIL: I need to stop having sex dreams about John Elway at work. Or was it Elton John? I always gets those two mixed up.
MIKE: April's nuttier than a squirrel turd.
(The camera is focused on the door. It opens slowly to reveal Santana)
"Hey, my name's Santana Lopez… uh, it's my first day here," she says as she walks into the office.
"Santana!" Brittany squeals as she leaps out of her chair in order to hug her.
"Hey everybody," Santana greets, returning Brittany's embrace rather stiffly.
"We're so glad you're back," Tina tells her.
"You know what they say – absence makes the heart grow fonder," Santana jokes.
Rachel wrinkles her nose. "False – we're not glad you're back and the heart is just an organ that pumps blood."
Santana turns her attention to her rival. "Hey there, Rachel. Love the sweater. Have one just like it at home," she says, taking in the gaudy-looking owl that graces the front of Rachel's cardigan. "If I try and hug you, do you promise not to scream rape?"
"What in the world is going on out here – oh, Santana! It is you!" Terri exclaims, as if she hadn't been peeking through the blinds of her office window just seconds before. She strolls over to Santana and makes a show out of giving her a hug.
"Yeah, you can let go now," Santana says as the other people from Dayton file into the office. "Everybody – this is Mack, that's Jesse and on the end is Dave."
"You forgot me," a woman says, stepping out from behind Dave. Santana gives her a blank look. "Aphasia from accounting?"
Santana, Jesse, Mack, and Dave all exchange looks and shrug.
"Welcome to the Lima Branch!" Terri says warmly. "Even you, Asphyxia."
DAVE: I have a feeling I'm going to really like it here. Terri seems nice enough, I guess. So far she's nothing like Santana described.
TERRI: Hey, get your things. We're a desk short up here so from now on you're working in the warehouse. Only one guy's lost his thumbs recently so you should be fine. You'll like it down there – it's more testosterone-y. And a word of advice – always keep your keys on you.
DAVE: What just happened?
(The main room of the office, Rachel and Terri show the people from Dayton around)
Rachel steps forward. "Okay, DuMi DayBraers, single file line, please. As assistant regional manager –"
"Assistant to the regional manager," Terri cuts in.
"– I will be assigning your desks and lunch breaks. Then I will lead you to the HR office for paperwork."
"Excuse me, what did you call us?" Mack asks.
"Or I could just take them to Emma's office," Santana volunteers, glancing over at the reception desk only to see that Brittany has her back turned.
"Like I said, I'll lead you there," Rachel says, consulting her color-coded map of the office. "Santana, you're –"
"Rachel, I know where my desk is," Santana says, rolling her eyes.
"No," Rachel corrects, "you know where your old desk is. I've assigned you a new one. By Mercedes."
"Wheezy?" Santana exclaims. "No way. I want my old desk back. Terri, help me out."
Terri looks up from her phone. "Give her the desk, Rachel, and stop being such a wet blanket. You see, guys, Rachel's no fun. Unlike myself."
"You know who else was fun?" Jesse whispers to Mack. "Holly. In bed."
"You're disgusting," she tells him.
"Fine, Santana, you can have the desk, but you're not allowed to borrow my things," Rachel says. "Not that that ever stopped you before."
"Thanks, Rachel," Santana replies. "Hey, can I see that map? I forgot all of the emergency evacuation routes you designated."
"Oh sure!" Rachel says, "Here you go!"
SANTANA: Never fear; I have a plan to annoy the ever-loving shit out of Rachel. Step one was getting my desk back. Step two involves parachuting out of a plane. Oh wait, that's my plan to stop Brittany's wedding. Or it was. I don't know. Maybe it still is.
(Break room – where April has just purchased something from a vending machine)
"April, don't forget your change," Emma says as she notices the other woman start to walk away.
April taps her head and goes back for it. "Whoops! I'm tellin' ya, ever since the microwave busted my wires have been a little crossed. I keep zappin' stuff like I'm… like I'm… what's the word… magnetic! But it only happens after I've rubbed my sock feet on the carpet. You think there's any connection?"
Emma smiles weakly. "Probably not."
April shrugs and scoops a quarter out of the vending machine. "Hey what's-your-name, how much is a coin from 1803 worth?" she asks.
"1803? Really?" Emma says, trying to inspect the coin.
April takes a closer look at it. "Good gravy, whoever made this must've been able to see the future! There's a spaceman on it!" She squeals in delight. "Imagine how much boxed wine I can buy with this!"
Emma, out of immense curiosity, takes it from her, touching only the edges. "April," she scolds, "This is the Ohio quarter."
April stops wobbling around. "Does that mean it's worth even more Franzia?" she asks hopefully.
"Do you remember when the US Mint issued quarters for every state?" Emma says slowly. She sees the blank look on April's face. "Okay, that's a definite no," she adds.
"Now I hope this doesn't offend you since you're a bit of an anal-retentive firecrotch, but there are some years I just can't remember because I was huffin' upholstery cleaner. Minor details tended to slip through the cracks! When did they start this state thingy?"
"Um, this one is from 2002, so sometime before then. 1999, I think."
April ponders this for a moment, trying to remember if she'd seen any others like it. "So how much is it worth?"
APRIL: I'll tell you what; people like that woman think I'm a real imbecile. But while she was inspectin' a quarter like a durn fool, I stole ten bucks outta her wallet! I'm eatin' good tonight! Captain D's here I come!
(Sam walks up to his desk – where Santana is now sitting)
"Hey – it's not that I'm not glad to see you, Santana, but I have a lot of work to do so… move," he says.
She turns to look at him. "I'm taking my desk back. I mean, does it really matter where you sit since you've never sold anything? I think not," she tells him. "But I'll play you in rock paper scissors if you want to try your luck."
"Why would you say that unless you knew you were going to win?" he wonders aloud.
"Why would I indeed?" she replies. "Oh, and I'm going to pick scissors."
"W-w-what?" he stutters.
"I'm just saying; pick rock unless you want to lose."
"Why would you tell me that?"
"I'm just trying to give you a fair chance. Unless, of course, you think I'm lying about picking scissors, in which case pick paper. Or pick scissors and we can tie."
SAM: Well at least Brittany will stop staring at me. Those creepy looks she gave me make a whole lot more sense now after what Terri said this morning. The downside? I'm closer to Quinn.
(The warehouse, where Dave looks out of place in his button up shirt and tie)
"Hey man, we'll get you some coveralls," Puck tells him. "Do you know how to operate heavy machinery? If not, it's cool. I taught a cripple how to drive a forklift so I should be able to teach you anything. Hell, you could probably run this place after a day or two. Don't get any ideas, though."
"Thanks," Dave replies. "I'm still not entirely sure how I got roped into this, but I appreciate you looking out for me."
"No prob," Puck says. "But don't get all sentimental and shit."
"Puck – where are you?" Sugar yells from the loading dock. "I texted you six times in the past minute and you never responded."
Puck grimaces. "Duty calls," he says to Dave.
"I was waiting for you," Sugar says as she taps her foot impatiently.
"I wasn't expecting you," Puck counters. "What are you doing here?"
Sugar smiles. "I'm breaking up with you."
"What? What did I do?" Puck questions.
"It's not you. I met someone else. On Craigslist."
"Oh wow, I bet he's the sexual predator your dad always dreamed you'd date!" Puck says furiously.
"People don't lie about things on the internet, Puck! It's called the information superhighway, not the information liarhighway!" Sugar responds.
"Yes they do!" Puck shouts. "Lemme guess… he's also Nigerian prince who needs a loan until his twenty-first birthday when he'll have access to his trust fund?"
"Yeah, that's exactly what happened. How'd you know?" Sugar asks.
PUCK: What the hell? I was gonna break up with her, but she beat me to the punch! So why am I upset over this chick? Did she give me her cooties or something? Or maybe she gave me something worse than that. Nah, come to think of it, I probably gave it to her.
(The reception desk – where Brittany is typing on her computer. Santana walks up to her)
"Hey," Santana says, which gets Brittany's attention immediately. "I was wondering if you could pull some files for me. I wrote them all down so whenever you're done, come find me I guess."
"Sure," Brittany replies. "Sorry about hugging you earlier; I just missed you. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"No, no," Santana insists. "It's definitely not your fault. Umm…. so how's Lord Tubbington?"
"He lost two pounds thanks to the Wii Fit," Brittany says. "But you'd never know by looking at him. How is moving back to Lima?"
"Uh, well, I wasn't able to find an apartment in my old complex so I had to look around a little. I finally found one over by the mall – which is probably a terrible idea since I love shopping so much. But if I'm going to be broke, I might as well be fashionably broke," Santana jokes half-heartedly.
"Yeah, you always did have good style," Brittany smiles. "You should've checked out Willow Lake, where I live. I think there's a ton of available units."
Santana bites her lip. "I did look into those, actually. Then I saw pictures online and it reminded me of… stuff," she says.
"Oh… okay," Brittany says. "Well maybe I can come over and help you unpack –"
The phone rings, cutting her off. "I'll let you get that," Santana says as she walks back to her desk.
SANTANA: Did I notice her hair was down? I gotta tell you, I used to memorize every detail about that girl, as creepy as that sounds. I guess it's because I love – excuse me, loved – so many different things about her. Yeah, of course I noticed her hair is down. But it doesn't matter because I've moved on and she never… she never felt the same way about me in the first place.
(The break room, where Rachel spots Quinn perusing the vending machines)
"Hey girlfriend – I need your advice," Rachel tells Quinn.
"Put Vaseline on your teeth," Quinn replies. "I did that all the time at beauty pageants so I'd remember to smile. You always look like a cow ate your last goat or something."
"Okay, I don't have any animals on my farm and I smile plenty! But that's not why I need advice. Unlike you and Sam, whose desire to procreate vastly outweighs the need to find a compatible partner," Rachel pauses for dramatic effect, "I have found a kindred spirit in Finn."
"So what's the problem?" Quinn asks.
"He dumped me."
"And you want to make him jealous so he'll want you back," Quinn says knowingly. "Easy. Flirt with another guy. But don't use Puck. I'm going to use Puck."
"Are you and Sam arguing again?"
Quinn throws her hands up in frustration. "We were having a discussion!"
RACHEL: I should mention to Quinn that cows don't actually eat goats. Unless it was a werecow. And everyone knows werecows aren't native to Ohio.
(The reception desk - where Brittany is on the phone)
"Yeah, I booked your banquet hall for my wedding reception and now the whole thing's called off so I just need to – it should be under Abrams. Okay, thanks," Brittany says as she hangs up.
"Excuse me; did I hear you say your wedding was called off?"
Brittany looks up. It's Mack. "Yeah," Brittany says, "turns out we weren't right for each other."
"I'm really sorry to hear that – Brittany," Mack says, reading her nameplate. "You shouldn't have to settle."
Brittany glances past her where Santana is working diligently at her desk. "Yeah, you're right," she replies. "Thanks."
MACK: Brittany seems like a really nice person. Probably the nicest person I've met so far today. I ran into April in the bathroom earlier and she scared the bejeezus outta me. I think she might've also stolen something from me, but I'm not sure how or why.
(Finn makes his way over to Sam's desk)
"Hey man, what do you do when you break up with a girl but still have feelings for her?" Finn asks.
Sam shrugs. "You could try taking your mind off of things."
"How? Like going to a strip club?"
"Nah," Sam answers, "I was thinking we could get a basketball game going during lunch. The guys in the warehouse have a couple of hoops down there. We just need some other people to play."
"Mike Chang, definitely," Finn says.
"He's the tallest Asian since Godzilla!" April chimes in – now sporting a pink cowgirl outfit adorned with silver tassels. Judging by everyone's reactions no one's quite sure when or why she changed.
"I'm down," Mike says. "My depth perception's finally back to normal after that pepper spray thing."
"Crap, that's the only three guys in the office," Finn says loudly, looking around.
Kurt glares at him.
"Oh, uh, sorry Jesse," Finn apologizes. "What about you?"
"That's really nice of you to offer, but I just got a manicure," Jesse replies. "No one likes a hangnail."
"I'll play," Brittany says, but she's drowned out by Terri – who hastily volunteers.
"I'm in," she declares. "I may not know much about basketball, but I am all about team bondage."
"I think you mean bonding," Brittany deadpans from her reception area.
"What do you know, Brittany?" Terri snaps. "And answer the damn phone for crying out loud."
"It's not ringing," Brittany says.
"How about this: we'll play three on three. Terri, you can be our sub," Finn says.
"Did you know that they named a month after me?" April asks Jesse.
FINN: Basketball and drumming are probably two of my top three skills.
INTERVIEWER (off-screen): Is the other skill accounting?
FINN: I think we all know the answer to that, man.
KURT: Oh, I have excellent ball-handling skills. Just not the kind you use for sports.
FINN: I'm the drummer in a band called E-Lima-Nate. Like eliminate, but you pronounce the Lima like… well, Lima. It's better than our old name, though. Sub-Lima-Nal Messages wasn't nearly as effective as we thought it would be.
(Santana takes a seat at her desk as Rachel finishes a phone call)
"So Rachel, how were your holidays?" Santana says. When Rachel doesn't respond, she continues. "Mine were fantastic, thanks for asking. My parents came over – Dad in his prized Hummer and Mom in her Range Rover. They drove separately because it burns more fossil fuels that way. They got there just as I had filled my bathtub to the brim so I had to pull the plug –"
"I know what you're doing," Rachel interrupts, eyeing her suspiciously. "But it's not going to work. I've turned over a new leaf. Your little mind games don't affect me."
"Wow, that is quite the accusation, Rach," Santana replies. "I only wanna catch up. A lot can happen in a few months and since you weren't sharing..."
"You- you haven't called me Rach since we started at DuMi LiBra. It's weird… and oddly refreshing," Rachel says to Santana, who nods. "Go on."
Santana flashes her a mischievous smile. "The highlight of the night was definitely the presents," she continues. "I got the most luxurious fur coat. I was kind of disappointed it didn't come with a hat, but then –"
"What?" Rachel roars. "A fur coat? How many animals had to die for that?"
"I don't know… 101 Dalmatians?" Santana guesses. "But seriously, it's mink… so I have no idea."
Rachel types furiously on her keyboard. "It takes somewhere between thirty to seventy minks to make one coat!" she reads.
Santana nods her head. "That's super interesting, but did you also know that eighty-three percent of all statistics are made up?"
Rachel turns to look at her. "Really? Where'd you get that statistic?"
"I made it up," Santana admits.
"So it's part of the eighty-three percent then," Rachel says.
SANTANA: Okay, that coat? Faux fur. I sort of sent her into a tizzy over nothing. But then it occurred to me – when I played that radio contest prank on her, it totally insulted her intelligence! And insulting Rachel's intelligence is my favorite non-sexual activity... Besides Minesweeper.
(The break room – where Lauren and Kurt are discussing the new accountant, Aphasia)
"So when I came back to my desk, she'd taught Finn the entire accounting cycle!" Kurt exclaims.
"Like hell she did that in one day," Lauren scoffs.
"I'm not kidding," Kurt insists. "I think you're just jealous someone was finally able to get through to him."
(The camera pans over to Brittany – who is eating lunch alone at a different table)
"Mind if I join you?" Mack asks. "Nobody else from Dayton has lunch right now…"
"You picked the popular table alright," Brittany replies, inviting her to sit. "So how's your first day going?"
"Well, in a nutshell –" Mack begins.
"Don't let Terri hear you say that. She might break out in hives," Brittany says. "Because… she has a severe peanut allergy. And you wouldn't know that because it's your first day. Sorry. Go on."
"It's been okay. I won six games of Spider Solitaire. Other than that, mostly just sales calls. Although I did overhear somebody mention initiation?"
"Oh, there's nothing to be afraid of – the cattle brand doesn't hurt too bad and it's only on your ass for a second," Brittany jokes. "I'm kidding. Terri dresses up and makes everyone put on war paint and stuff. We have a powwow. She doesn't do it for everybody though – I think she forgot about Sam."
"Good to know," Mack replies. "So what's there to do here in Lima?"
"The usual – the mall, the bowling alley, the movies. But if you're looking for somewhere good to eat, Breadstix is the way to go!"
"Yeah," Mack says with a smile, "so I've heard."
BRITTANY: Okay, I paid Lauren ten bucks to break into Terri's car and steal her headdress. No one deserves that kind of humiliation.
MACK: I think I just made my first friend here. Maybe me and Santana can set her up with someone… or maybe Santana can since I know almost no one in Lima. I mean, what could go wrong?
(The warehouse, where the workers are lounging around)
"I'm telling you, a kamikaze mudslide is not an alcoholic beverage," Puck says into his phone. "It's when… uh oh, I gotta go. Terri and her herd of sales nerds wandered down here again by mistake."
"Tippy toe, tippy toe!" Azimio says to another dockhand when he sees Terri. "Lemon tree!"
"You can stop fake working now. We're here to challenge you," Terri says.
"What's tippy toe?" Dave whispers to Azimio.
"That's how we let each other know when Scary Terri's around," Azimio tells him. "It's from Seinfeld. That show cracks me up."
Puck walks over to the group. "What exactly are you challenging us to? Because the last time we did the milk contest Finny D puked all over the warehouse floor."
Dave cringes.
FINN: They said I had an hour to drink a gallon of milk, but they didn't tell me I had to wait another hour before I could pee! It was coming out one way or the other.
PUCK: That shit was hilarious until we realized it was Mr. Kidney's day off and had to clean it up ourselves. Then it wasn't so funny.
(The main room of the office – Rachel and Santana are sitting at their desks)
"A dead man is found in the desert with only a box next to him," Santana says. "Who is he and how did he die? Yes or no questions only."
"Wait, what?" Rachel asks, startled.
"That's not a yes or no question."
"What is the purpose of this?"
"Again, not a yes or no question. But I bet that you won't figure it out by the end of the day," Santana challenges.
"I most certainly will!" Rachel retorts. "Is the box black?"
"No."
"So he wasn't in a plane crash," Rachel deduces. "Is this man real?"
"No, he's a fictional character," Santana says. "It's a good thing you figured that out quickly. Now you're like, thirty percent of the way there."
"I knew it!" Rachel says triumphantly as Santana walks away laughing.
RACHEL: Damn it – I bet she made that number up! But I have no way of knowing for sure until I figure it out. Double damn it. She knew that would bug me more than anything.
(The warehouse, where the two teams are warming up)
"I just noticed something," Finn says, eyeing Azimio. "The warehouse team has a black guy. We're gonna get our butts kicked."
"That's just a stereotype," Sam tells him. "Besides, you're gigantic so you must be good at basketball, right?"
"Um… no," Finn says. "And I kinda lied in my interview earlier when I said it was one of my top skills."
Sam pats him on the shoulder. "Leave it all to me. Maybe if we win, Quinn will stop ignoring me and treat me to another round of horizontal hokey pokey."
"What does putting something in and out and shaking it all about have to do with – oh. Gotcha," Finn says, embarrassed.
"Okay! Let's get the show on the road," Puck insists loudly. "I only get an hour thirty for lunch."
"Don't you mean an hour?" Terri asks mid-stretch.
Puck looks away guiltily. "Whatever you say."
TERRI: He takes hour and a half lunches? He must've learned that from me. Oh God. No wonder this place went to hell in a hand basket.
"Play dirty, Puck!" Quinn cheers, smirking when she sees the look on Sam's face. "Stick it in the hole!"
"You mean take it to the hole?" Lauren asks, annoyed.
Quinn nods. "Yeah! Stick it right in!"
QUINN: I was a cheerleader so of course I know the terminology. I just want to rile Sam up and make him think there's something going on between me and Puck so maybe he'll take his shirt off or something. Serves him right. Plus, it's been kind of a slow week in customer service and I have to entertain myself somehow.
LAUREN: I was the statistician for my high school's basketball team and not only that, I was 100% accurate. Still am. Not to name any names, but that's about 100% better than one of our other accountants.
(Tina searches her desk for something)
"Are you ready to go to lunch?" Mercedes asks her.
Tina sighs. "I think April got my car keys. Do you mind driving?"
"Sure," Mercedes says, "but I thought you always locked them in your drawer."
"I do! She's like… she's… I don't even know how she does it," Tina replies.
TINA: If Terri wanted a ninja, she should've gone to April first. Not Mike.
(The warehouse – where the office team is clearly struggling against the dockhand team)
Puck dribbles past Sam and shoots an easy layup. "Hey Jimmy Nerdtron, I don't wanna hear any more about you porking my ex-girlfriend," he threatens.
Sam looks at him in astonishment. "You and Quinn?"
Puck shoves past him and says, "Who'd you think knocked her up?"
SAM: I kind of want to confront her about this now. I mean, I know the adoption was years ago, but still… Who would want to work at the same company as their ex? And as a side note, who would want to work for this company at all?
TERRI: Hey Macaulay Culkin – water break's over! Quit auditioning for Home Alone Six and get back here.
SAM: See what I mean?
(The main office – Jesse decides to try out his charm on Rachel)
"So what's it going to take to get you to come have a mint julep with me after work?" he asks her.
She's about to refuse him when she remembers Quinn's advice. "Ask me again in about fifteen minutes. Or better yet, I'll come find you. Say the line exactly like you just said it," she tells him.
He wanders off and Santana leans over. "Trying to make Finn jealous, huh?" she says.
Rachel whips her head around. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Santana leans back in your chair. "Fine, you don't have to tell me anything. How about we up the stakes in our little game? If you can't guess the answer by five o'clock, then I get your parking space."
"But that's the assistant regional manager's spot," Rachel protests.
"Assistant to the regional manager," Santana says. "And if you win, I'll use the desk you assigned me earlier."
"Did the man die of dehydration?" Rachel asks.
"Nope," Santana answers.
SANTANA: She could Google it in two seconds, but the sad thing is that thought will probably never occur to her. Kind of like burning her wardrobe will never cross her mind either. Although seeing her in that owl sweater gives me tons of knitting ideas.
(The warehouse, where Mike, Finn, and Sam are discussing the game)
"Wow, Mike, I had no idea you were so good at basketball," Sam says, trying not to look over at Quinn and Puck, who are flirting.
"Yeah, but we still got our butts kicked," Mike replies.
Terri storms over to them. "Only because you three clowns didn't let me play."
"I think you have as much business on a basketball court as I do being an accountant," Finn tells her.
"Yeah," Sam agrees, "and aren't you supposed to be getting to know the new people instead of hanging out with us?"
Terri glares at them. "Stop being sore assholes. I mean, sore losers. You assholes."
FINN: She said sore assholes! Haha. It's too bad Kurt missed it. No one gets asshole jokes like he does. Wait… is that offensive for me to say? Because he's gay?
(The break room, where Santana and Rachel are taking a lunch)
"Does the box kill him?"
"No."
"Does something inside the box kill him?"
"Yes."
"Is it a bomb?"
"No."
"It's a gun! It's a gun and he killed himself."
"Nope."
"You know, Santana, you should eat healthier," Rachel says, seemingly out of questions for the time being.
Santana puts her food down. "This is a turkey sandwich."
"On white bread. With cheese. And mayonnaise," Rachel adds.
"You know, maybe you're right, Rachel," Santana says. "What are you eating?"
Rachel beams. "This is a tofurkey sandwich with soy cheese and lettuce on whole grain. Care to try it?"
"Sure," Santana says as she takes the sandwich from Rachel – then promptly throws it across the break room where it lands on the floor.
SANTANA: Delicious.
(Terri is walking back up to the office from the warehouse when her phone rings)
"Hello? Oh hey, Will. I love it when you want phone sex during the day," Terri giggles.
"Actually that's not why I am calling. How are things going? Because I tried to call the main office line and no one picked up," Will says.
"Brittany's on lunch… I think," Terri replies. "And if she's not, then she's… dying."
"What? Why would you say that?"
"I don't know, Will. Unexplainable things come out of my mouth sometimes. Like that one time when I thought I had to fart and threw up instead."
"That's… I didn't need to know that. So all of the Dayton folks are doing well so far?"
"Yeah, I haven't really talked to any of them except to kick one downstairs to the warehouse."
"Terri! You of all people should make them feel welcome! We talked about that this morning!"
Terri looks around to make sure no one is watching her and picks a wedgie. "I have tons of important stuff to do! I can't remember everything."
"That's what you have Brittany for. You should utilize her a little more. She's not as incompetent as you make her out to be, Terr."
"Look, I love you with all of my heart and stuff, but I don't tell you how to do your job, so don't tell me how to do mine, okay?"
"My job is telling you how to do your job."
"Fine, if you wanna get technical," Terri says.
TERRI: When I said everyone in the office should try and make them feel at home, I didn't mean myself. You know why? 'Cause I'm the boss. I hold myself to a much lower standard.
(Rachel spots Finn and Sam coming through the doorway so she rushes over to Jesse's desk)
"So what was it you wanted to ask me, Jesse?" she says loud enough for the entire office to hear.
He shrugs. "To be honest, I don't really remember."
"Weren't you going to ask me out?" Rachel shouts, glancing over toward the accounting department.
Jesse rolls his eyes. "I've asked every woman in the office out. It's sort of my thing."
"It's true," Lauren says. "He told me he wanted to see my cats."
"Okay – cat was not the word I used," Jesse clarifies. "But I think you get the picture."
LAUREN: I do have a lot of cats. Why let lesbians have all the fun?
(The warehouse – where Puck and Quinn are making out on the loading dock)
"I forgot what a good kisser you are," she tells him as his hands wander up and down her back. "When did you unhook my bra?"
"At least five minutes ago. I still got the magic touch. Let's go out to my truck," he tells her. "Hell – if you wanna do this the classy way, we can find a bathroom."
"Puck," she says breathlessly, "what are we doing? I'm still with Sam."
"Like you being in a relationship ever stopped us before," Puck says as he kisses her neck.
"Give it up, Puck. I don't want on your squirt gun," Quinn says.
Puck laughs. "You know as well as I do that Super Soaker is more like it."
"Hmm. That seems to be the only little detail that I can't recall from our fling," she replies.
He grins. "Baby, there ain't nothin' little about it."
"I only wanted to make him jealous," she says. "And I succeeded. I'm not even sure how you roped me into this."
PUCK: How is it possible that I've struck out twice in one day? Girls are usually chomping at the bit for a piece of Puckerman! I hope Tana's doing better with Britt. Shit, I just thought of something. I meant to tell her this morning that Brittany called off the engagement! Then again, I also meant to tell her the minute I found out, but it always slipped my mind. Eh, no biggie, someone's probably told her by now.
(Mack's desk – which is located by Mercedes and Tina – where she is playing Minesweeper)
"Don't click that. It's totally a bomb," Santana whispers in her ear.
"Oh Santana, you scared me," Mack says.
Santana takes a seat in Tina's chair. "Yeah, I'm pretty damn scary if I do say so myself."
"So," Mack begins hesitantly, "I was thinking maybe we could go out to dinner tonight. You're always gushing about that Italian place."
Santana laughs. "Actually, I had something else in mind. There's a ton of unopened boxes in my apartment and since Breadstix delivers, we could order in and you could unpack everything for me…"
"Okay, you had me until that last part," Mack teases.
"You didn't let me finish," Santana says with a smirk. "Once you're done – okay, once we're done – we can pop in a movie and then see where the night takes us."
"Hmmm… that's a tempting offer," Mack muses. "Will there be beer?"
Rachel interrupts them. "Question: is the box bigger than a breadbox?" she asks Santana.
"Not relevant," Santana says, pointing at Rachel. "And as much as you can drink, sugarpuss," she tells Mack.
SANTANA: I knew this riddle would drive Rachel crazy. She's so lost. Sometimes I think it's a miracle she even made it out of the womb.
MACK: Are things getting serious between me and Santana? Yeah, I'd say so. We've been on a few dates since Olive Garden. I really like her. I hope saying that doesn't jinx anything. It won't, will it?
(April's desk – where she looks around to see if anyone is watching before she opens the bottom drawer of her filing cabinet)
"C'mere," she motions to the camera, "come 'n see my loot!"
The camera pans in on a grocery bag which April ceremoniously dumps out onto her desk. "Now while Yao Ming and Yoko Ono are making out in the supply closet, I'll show y'all what I've collected today! This watch belonged to Curly Jr. – you know, the one who looks like Will? These seven keys are from various donors, as is this vial of blood. Or maybe it's Kool-Aid. I'll have to run a taste test and see. This shoe is from Terri's gym bag. The 'I brake for fat cats' bumper skicker is off a car. I found this sandwich on the floor and I gots to tell you – it smells awful, but it's actually not bad! My Bontempo Road crew'll be pleased, that's for sure."
APRIL: What is the purpose of all this? I'm practicing for when I steal the Declaration of Independence! Saw it in a movie once starring Mel Gibson. I think it was Ghost Rider. Or Ghost Busters.
(Quinn's corner)
"I'm sorry."
Quinn looks up to see Sam standing there.
"I'm sorry," he repeats, "for teasing you about the whole Rachel thing. I should've dropped it."
"I'm the one who should apologize," she says. "I was trying to make you jealous by flirting with Puck."
"Well, it worked," Sam replies.
"Me and Puck are long over," she lies.
Sam nods. "Okay. I trust you."
SAM: The things I'll do for sex, man.
(Terri gathers the Dayton people – minus Dave and Santana – in the conference room)
"Congratulations on almost completing your first day," she says. "Originally, I had planned a powwow of sorts for you guys, but that sort of fell through. My Indian costume and one of my tennis shoes is missing. I'm not sure if there's a connection, but if you have any information, I'd really like that stuff back."
"That's too bad," Jesse says, feigning disappointment. "Maybe you and I can discuss it over drinks?"
Terri blushes. "No – I can't. I'm in a relationship, which practically makes me engaged, which practically makes me married. But I'm flattered."
"I'm not opposed to a devil's threesome," Jesse says and Aphasia rolls her eyes.
"Cut the crap," Mack tells him.
"Anyway," Terri continues, "I hope you enjoy your time here at Lima and if you ever need anything, let me know. I'm a great listener – and I'm constantly trying to improve on things around here. That's all I really wanted to say so… meeting adjourned."
TERRI: He's trying to sleep with me already? Terri Del Monico, you are one sexy regional manager.
(Santana and Rachel's desks)
Santana checks her watch. "Only a few more minutes left."
"Is there an animal in the box?" Rachel asks.
"No."
"Aha!" Rachel announces. "I've got it! The man is Indiana Jones and the item in the box is the Ark of the Covenant. When he opened it, he was instantly killed."
"Close, but no cigar. Besides, Indy was smart enough to close his eyes when the Ark was opened. One minute, Rachel."
"Hey guys, I heard you talking about Indiana Jones," Sam says. "Did you know that –"
"Not now, Sam!" Rachel shrieks. "Uh… it's Voldemort! Voldemort and it's… the… what do you call it… Horcrux! It's the last Horcrux and Harry killed it and left him for dead."
"Oh – time's up," Santana says. "And that's also wrong."
"So what is it?" Sam asks.
"You're going to shoot yourself in the foot when you hear the answer. The man – Superman. The item in the box – Kryptonite," Santana explains. "I hear it's going to rain tomorrow, by the way. Good thing my new parking spot's super close to the door."
SAM: Seriously? I would've taken that riddle over rock, paper, scissors any day! I love Superman. I could have figured that out so easily!
RACHEL: I don't want to hear it, Sam. All you lost was your desk! I lost my parking space and my dignity.
SAM: Just don't cry, okay? Santana said I have to play The Tears of a Clown every time you do.
(The warehouse – the camera shows Puck waving to Dave and Azimio, but when zoomed in, it's revealed that he's actually on the phone)
"Hey Sugar," he says, "I know you probably don't want to hear my voice right now – but I realized something today. I have a job, I provide for my mom and sister, and I'm a good man. I know I haven't always treated you right, but I can do better. I can be better. So call me back whenever you hear this, I guess."
(The reception desk – the clock reads 5:05)
"Hey, what are you doing this weekend?" Santana asks Brittany.
Brittany sits up straighter. "Nothing really. What'd you have in mind?"
"I was wondering if you wanted to go out," Santana says. "You and Artie… me and Mack. We could double."
Brittany's heart plummets. "Mack?" she repeats.
"Maybe this was a bad idea," Santana says, scratching her head.
"It's fine, Santana. I-I-I just didn't know you two were dating," Brittany stammers. "But uh, Artie can't come."
"Oh," Santana says, surprised, "I mean we weren't planning on going ice skating or tap dancing or anything like that. We'll most likely bar hop or see a movie –"
"He can't come because we broke up!" Brittany blurts out.
"God, Brittany, I am so sorry," Santana apologizes. "I didn't know – otherwise I wouldn't have said anything…"
Brittany reaches for her hand, comforting her. "Like you said, you didn't know."
"Hey Santana, are you ready to go?" Mack asks.
"I am if you are," Santana replies with a smile, taking her hand back. "See you, Britt."
Brittany watches them walk out the door.
"I didn't know you two were good friends," Mack says.
"Yeah, we're practically besties," Santana tells her.
"Oh Brittany," Terri says from behind her, having witnessed the whole thing.
"Yeah?" Brittany sniffles.
"Don't go a whole day without answering the phone again," Terri says, leaving Brittany there in tears.
BRITTANY: Some things are worth waiting for – like the One Tree Hill box set. And sometimes when you think your box set is in the mail, it's actually… not. Sometimes your box set goes away for a few months and comes back a different person. Or maybe liking a different person. And even though you wish your box set preferred you, maybe you just have to stick it out and see what happens. Because you know that your box set is worth it – you just hope the box set remembers how it felt about you.