They sat in silence for a while after that. It was half mortified on Stiles' part, even as he shoved half the box of Pop-Tarts down his throat. He felt fine now. He felt perfectly okay. Part of his gut was telling him that it was because Derek was back and that scared him. The more he thought about it…the closer to terrified he got. When Derek was gone he'd lost all sense of time. He hadn't had any idea what to do with himself at all. In fact he was pretty sure he'd stopped eating at some point. Was that because he was bonded to Derek now? Was that what Ross had meant about getting sick? And if it had been how was it all just going to go back to normal? Was it ever going to go back to normal? What was going to happen when he went home?
"Your heart's racing," Derek said, almost conversationally. It was enough of a question that Stiles bit his lip.
"It was…it was bad when you were gone," he admitted quietly. "It was like…I wasn't me anymore." Derek frowned, eyebrows moving together. "And now it's better." His throat closed up. Why was that harder to admit? His hand waved in front of his chest, as if trying to pull the words out of him. "It's just a lot to take in."
"You don't have to be scared. The feelings will die off when we don't finish the mating ceremony."
"Oh," Stiles said even as his mind started spinning off in a new direction, "they'll just go away then. That's…good."
"Everything will go back to normal eventually," Derek told him, looking away. For a strange moment Stiles wondered if he was talking to him or himself. He tried to push the thought away before he thought something he didn't want to think. Everything would go back to normal. It had to.

It wasn't until Derek had abandoned bed in favor of a shower that Stiles realized he wasn't really all that fond of normal. The thought made him pause. Wasn't he? Didn't he miss his life? Scott? School? His father? There was a pang and he nearly sighed in relief. Of course he missed his father. And of course he wouldn't miss school, what a stupid thought. Not to mention, Scott was kind of an idiot. He set his elbow on his knee before catching his chin and letting his mouth pinch in thought. Asides from lack of internet his life was mostly the same here. He spent a lot of time alone. Sure he knew people in Beacon Hills but asides from his father, Scott, and occasionally Mrs. McCall he didn't really even talk to anyone. He was a loner. He tried valiantly not to translate that thought to loser and failed. Even Danny wouldn't talk to him. Danny was like the nicest guy in school. He fucking talked to everyone. Except Stiles. Stiles scoffed. Loser. But he didn't feel like a loser here. If anything he was a semi celebrity. Not that he really enjoyed that aspect of it. Although…it was sort of nice. Was this how Jackson felt? Stiles sighed before flopping back, laying sideways on the bed. He couldn't make any decisions concerning this little town or anyone in it. First Derek was scary then he was mega scary then he was annoying and scary again then really annoying and then sort of…sweet and then really mean and then kind of weird in general and all in all Stiles had no idea about him. Then there was Shane who was awesome and then awesome again and then sort of…not as awesome. Stiles thought of their fight again and shuddered slightly. Shane had certainly looked capable of killing someone then. For a few moments Stiles even thought… He shuddered again before letting that thought fall off. Werewolves healed remarkably well. There really hadn't been anything to worry about. If there had been someone would have stepped in. He thinks, hopes, someone would have stepped in.

There was a knock at the door before Derek eased it open and Stiles tilted his neck to look at him.
"I'm going," Derek said, almost hesitantly. Stiles managed a smile.
"Okay." He got distracted by a bead of water making its way down the edge of Derek's cheek and onto his jaw, nearly missing the way that Derek did in fact hesitate in the doorway. He glanced down and frowned for a second before nodding.
"See you tonight."
"Uh yeah," Stiles cleared his throat, "I'll be here." Derek looked to him again; frown intensifying and Stiles could feel himself frown as well.
"Okay," Derek agreed tightly before pushing off the wood and letting the door fall closed. Stiles stared at the closed door long enough for his neck to begin to ache before finally turning away. That was weird. Derek was being weird again. He sighed and pulled a pillow over his face. He hadn't even done anything. He was like 96% sure he hadn't even done anything. He went back over the conversation again. All he'd said was that he'd be here. How was that the wrong answer? He groaned into the pillow before sitting up. Food would make him feel better. He wasn't entirely sure how but it would. Filling a plate with mini corn dogs Stiles tossed it in the microwave and estimated a time before rooting around in the fridge for a Pepsi and the bottle of ketchup. Once that was done he pulled himself onto the counter and waited for the microwave, kicking his feet and letting his heels slap back into the cabinet to entertain himself. The corn dogs were steaming when he pulled them out and more than one had split open. He sighed before making a giant puddle of ketchup and digging in. He chewed the too hot food in rhythm with kicking his feet and for a few minutes it was an okay distraction. Then a bit of the plate was cleared and Stiles realized he hadn't really been that hungry in the first place. He sighed again. It would still be hours before Derek got back and Stiles didn't even know if he wanted Derek to get back. Was he mad at him? What if he was? What if they fought again?
"God I am so bad at this," he groaned, leaning back and letting his head hit the top cupboards. He didn't want Derek to be mad at him and he was still mostly sure he hadn't done anything wrong. And, okay, and if he had done anything wrong then why didn't Derek just tell him? Stiles used to be a huge fan of avoiding things but apparently Derek was an even bigger fan and it didn't work. At all. One of them had to man up here and apparently it was going to be Stiles. Again.

He finished eating slowly, legs no longer kicking but swaying slightly. So it looked like he had to confront Derek, again. Maybe nothing bad would happen. Maybe they would just have a talk. He rolled his eyes after another moment. Like things had ever just worked out okay for them so far. Stiles jumped when the door banged open, shoving off the counter and crossing through the kitchen only to be shoved back. The counter dug into his back as Derek pressed into his front, eyes too light. Stiles let out something that was embarrassingly close to a squeak. Derek only growled, gripping him tighter. Stiles tilted his head back, reminding himself to breathe. Derek bit down on his throat, stealing Stiles' breath and making his entire body spasm.
"Stay away from Shane," Derek growled at him. Another shudder ran through Stiles.
"Okay," he agreed, voice high, "okay." Derek pulled back and Stiles thought he was being released, only to be pushed back further as Derek kissed him. Stiles couldn't help a slight sound at impact, somewhere between uh and oomf. Derek didn't seem to mind at all, lifting him onto the edge of the sink, one hand pressing firmly into his back. Stiles couldn't think enough to react. He couldn't really think at all and so it took him a few moments to realize that Derek was talking. He was spitting out words between the presses of their mouths and Stiles felt dizzy as he tried to understand.
"Supposed…to argue…or say something…ridiculous," Derek hissed at him, "not sup…posed to…just…fuck…just submit…like that." Stiles tried to respond only to catch Derek's mouth again. He thought it was probably a good thing since he had no idea what words had been on their way out. Derek pulled back and dropped his chin, breathing heavily as Stiles stared at the back of his neck. "Don't move," he let out breathlessly. Stiles nearly nodded before deciding that not moving was probably the best course of action. It seemed like a very long time before Derek's grip actually loosened and he looked up. "I didn't expect you to just agree with me," he said calmly, all trace of his wolf gone. Stiles lifted one shoulder in a shrug, pausing another beat before speaking.
"Yeah well it's obviously an issue so I mean not seeing him won't be an issue." Derek squinted at him for a moment.
"Yes. I think."
"Was that why you were angry when you left?" Surprise registered on Derek's face.
"Yeah," he admitted slowly.
"Good," Stiles couldn't help a relieved grin.
"Good?" Derek demanded, one eyebrow arching.
"Well yeah," Stiles rushed to explain, "cause now I don't have to ask you about it and then badger you for information or talking about your feelings," he used air quotes very quickly, swaying into Derek for a moment, "and then I won't say the wrong shit and we won't fight. So good." There was an odd look on Derek's face and it took Stiles a few moments of inspection to realize the wolf was trying not to smile. "Cause you came in all growly and violent and I was just like 'yeah cool' and tilted my head back and then everything was okay." Stiles couldn't help his lips curving again. "Don't you remember, I mean it just happened. And anyways I'm going to remember that trick in the future, don't think I won't. Just roll over and play dead. You turn into a teddy bear."
"I'm not going to kiss you again," Derek told him, hand sliding away, "you can calm down."

Derek took a few steps back as if to prove it and Stiles scoffed.
"I am perfectly calm. I am Zen. I am the tai in chi okay."
"You're a rabbit," Derek informed him. "With a runaway mouth." Stiles rolled his eyes. For the most part he was calm. Because he wasn't dealing with what had just happened. Not right now he wasn't.
"Aren't you supposed to be going to work anyways?" Derek looked down before scratching the back of his neck quickly.
"Yeah well…I'll just say I got a flat."
"Glad you have a plan," Stiles told him.
"I'll be back later," Derek said. Stiles nodded, forgoing a sarcastic comment about déjà vu.
"I'll still be here so don't come back mad."
"I'll try my best," Derek smirked, "just for you." Stiles leaned against the counter and fanned his face.
"You will? Oh Mr. Hale." For exactly three seconds the look on Derek's face was priceless.
"Not funny," he announced, settling on a half decent glare.
"I have it on good authority that I'm hilarious." The only answer was the door smacking closed. Stiles chuckled to himself before cleaning up in the kitchen. Distraction, distraction, distraction.

He was fine for a few hours until he rolled his neck and saw red flecks fall onto his shirt. Holding his breath Stiles reached up tentatively, fingertips brushing against his throat. It was sore enough for him to wince, grunting slightly when he found a ridge of scab. Cursing silently Stiles climbed the stairs and headed for the bathroom, freezing when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. He leaned closer without consciously making the decision to. Derek must have bit just hard enough to break the skin. Slanting across the front of his neck was an oval of red. Stiles wondered how much Derek had meant to do it as he peered at the mark. It looked like a warning sign. Like a claim. Right there on his skin. Of course Stiles should have stopped there. But being Stiles, he didn't. He started wondering. On some level Derek had meant to do it. But why mark him again when he was already claimed? Everyone here knew already that he belonged to Derek. So why mark him? Why do it unless he was trying to remind Stiles? "No," Stiles said to the mirror, frowning when his face didn't match the sentiment. "No," he repeated more firmly, pressing his lips together. He hadn't really meant to do it. It was his wolf. He hadn't expected Stiles to react that way. He'd said so himself. While he was kissing him. Stiles stared at his reflection, glaring accusingly. Why the hell did you just think about that? I said I wasn't going to think about it. I was doing so well not thinking about it and then there you go! But you are me and now I'm arguing with myself, literally my reflection. Oh god. This is how it ends. Stiles shut his eyes and turned away from the mirror before leaving the bathroom, forcing himself not to touch his neck again as he did. They'd kissed. It wasn't a huge deal. Not a huge deal at all. Okay. He was fine. It wasn't like he'd never kissed anyone before. Except sometimes he argued with himself about whether or not a kiss during spin the bottle in sixth grade actually counted. It counted. It counted because his first kiss was not going to be with Derek Hale. Derek had already gotten enough out of him. Mindy Cahill and her braces could keep Stiles' first kiss. The thought calmed him slightly, ridiculously, and Stiles pushed into the bedroom before flopping down on the bed. He didn't let himself move for a long time. Long enough that he began to feel like a dead body. With chalk outlines dancing around in his head Stiles finally pushed himself up. He needed distraction. He seriously needed distraction.

Unsurprisingly enough Stiles found himself in the library. He roamed along the shelves, letting his fingertips drift along spines every so often.
"Stiles," Aiden greeted, making him jump, "how are you?" Stiles forced a smile as he shrugged.
"Fine. How about you?"
"Well," Aiden said simply, approaching slowly.
"Cool," Stiles added after a moment.
"How are you and Derek?" Stiles squinted at him then.
"Did your dad send you? Did you follow me in here?"
"No and no."
"Oh." He honestly hadn't been expecting that. Aiden offered a small smile.
"I'm just sort of used to trying to look out for pack." He leaned against a shelf before continuing. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want, but I know it worries my father and I'd like to try and ease whatever stress I can for him."
"Why is Ross so worried?" Aiden was silent for a moment, as if weighing how to answer.
"Shane is sort of…the center of our pack. Everyone likes him. It's sort of impossible not to like him. On the other side of that…no one really understands Derek. But Derek has made his home here. That makes him part my father's responsibility. He worries that it will come down to one or the other." Stiles mostly felt like he'd just been punched in the stomach.
"Oh," was all he managed.
"So when I say how are you and Derek what I actually mean is are you going to stay with him?" Stiles frowned slowly.
"I wasn't really aware that I had a choice in the matter?"
"There's always a choice. But you're in a rather unique position yourself. I suppose what I'm really asking is are you going to try and pit them against one another for your own escape?" Stiles gaped at him for what felt like a span of several minutes.
"I-no." He shook his head. "No."
"Good because it wouldn't work," Aiden told him. Stiles blinked a few times.
"Are you alright?" Aiden looked past him.
"Intuitive," he murmured quietly. Aiden smiled as he looked back. "I'm leaving soon," he revealed, "a pack in Montana. Old friends. Etcetera."

"I'm sorry."
"You're the only one who's actually said it," Aiden murmured, running a hand through his hair. "In any case," he sighed, "I was going to tell you to give Derek time but I think you already mostly know."
"Know what?" Stiles prompted when he didn't continue.
"That he thinks he doesn't deserve you. That he won't try to keep you. Even if he wants to." Stiles must have looked affronted because Aiden continued quickly. "I'm not supposed to interfere but he was over last night and I just…feel for him."
"He was at your place?" Stiles questioned, frowning.
"He came to see my dad," Aiden corrected.
"You still live with your dad?" Stiles asked then, still frowning. Aiden smiled, bitterly.
"It's customary to live with your parents until you take your own mate." He hadn't known that.
"But Derek…" he trailed, his mouth taking off without him once again.
"Is remarkably well developed for how long he was on his own." The words sent a shiver over Stiles. "He won't talk about the time between home and coming here. My dad estimated five or six years."
"But I thought you guys like…were meant to…live together," Stiles let out haltingly.
"We are pack creatures. Yes."
"Why was he alone?" Aiden looked away again.
"They are not my secrets to tell."
"But you're already here, doing this," Stiles protested.
"Which I shouldn't be," Aiden reminded him. Stiles rolled his eyes.
"Then why are you?"
"You two have a chance," Aiden still wasn't looking at him, "it would be a shame to waste it."
"But-"
"I have to go," Aiden cut him off. "Just remember to try and be patient with him." He was gone unnaturally fast and Stiles huffed out a breath before settling his hands on his hips and biting down on his lip. Just what he needed. Another complication.

He left the library without any new books, going back and forth inside his head. Be patient with him. Hadn't he been? Or had he been? He'd forgiven Derek after their fights. But had he really had a choice? Was he actually trying to understand his mate? Should he? When he was only going to leave in just under two months? Was he? This voice was quieter than the rest and Stiles did his best to ignore it totally. There was too much going on. Stiles didn't even think he could compute it. Derek and Shane and Aiden and him and being the subject of gossip and thinking he should miss his life more than he did. Not to mention Derek's ever mysterious past, just looming. Stiles grunted to himself. What he needed was a plan. What he needed was less to deal with. Missing his life he couldn't do anything about. He was here now and that was all. He couldn't really do anything about gossip or himself either. Aiden was leaving so that was more or less going to take care of itself. That left Stiles with Shane and Derek. He stopped and set his hands on his hips before turning around, grimacing. Derek he couldn't deal with right now. Shane he could. He pushed away Derek's growled warning as he stalked towards the diner. Part of Stiles thought he should be preparing what he was going to say, some sort of speech or something but another part thought that would only make this worse than it already was. Everyone in the diner turned as he entered and Stiles had to take a deep breath. He met Shane's eyes as he hulked over the counter and Stiles grimaced again.
"You overstepped your bounds," he said, fingers twitching nervously. "I'm Derek's mate and I want you to stay away from us. B-both of us." The stutter was tiny but Stiles still felt himself flush. The silence following his declaration was heavy and uncomfortable. Shane looked stunned at first but now it seemed like he wanted to say something. Stiles didn't want to hear it. He spun unevenly on one heel before shoving back out the door. He couldn't seem to catch his breath as he hurried back to Derek's house. He felt embarrassed and exposed, running a hand over his hair quickly. It was going to be all over the settlement. God he shouldn't have done that. Why did he do that? "Oh shit," he muttered to himself, nearly falling over a dip in the dirt. "Shit, shit, shit." He tried to take deep breaths.

Reaching Derek's he slammed the door before leaning against it and trying again to catch his breath. His intentions were good. Yes. That was what he would focus on. And if Shane caused any more trouble now than there was no one to blame but Shane. Stiles had the feeling that he would back off. He hoped at least. The last thing Stiles needed was a second mate or either of them being kicked out of the settlement. His mind shifted then. Rather suddenly he went from wondering what on Earth Shane had been thinking to wondering how long Derek had been on his own. How had he survived? Why did he think he deserved to be alone? Did he leave his family? Or was he kicked out? Regardless of that what made him come here after being on his own? How desperate had he been? How much pain before he broke? Stiles' chest ached dully at the thought of Derek, younger, lost, and alone. With Aiden's explanation Ross' special treatment of Derek made sense. Stiles wondered what he'd been like when he first came. Had he not been able to fit? Or he hadn't wanted to? Told himself he didn't deserve to? Another pang in his chest and he sighed. What was he caught up in? It seemed every move he made only entangled him more. Stiles forced his eyes closed and took a breath so deep it actually hurt. He was fine. Everything was fine. He just needed to focus on him and Derek. That wouldn't be so hard; they'd just been stumbling through anyways. Everything was fine. With one more sigh he crossed to the futon and sank down. He had no idea what he was doing. He never had any idea what he was doing anymore. Stiles longed for his room suddenly. Painfully. The clutter and the dust bunnies. The unmade bed and clothing scattered floor. His desk where it always, always, looked like something had exploded. He rolled over in the limited space and shoved his face into the bend of the cushion. He hoped his father didn't go in. He hoped his father wasn't staying up nights trying to find him. But he probably did. He probably was. Stiles held his breath for several beats. He was fine. His father would be desperate to find him but he was a good cop. He wouldn't put himself at risk. He'd know that no one was going to look for Stiles as well as he was. But it would be fine. He'd be home soon. Maybe he could even convince Derek to drive him to another payphone so he could call again. All of this would just be a memory. He'd go home. He'd go back to school. Everything would go back to normal. Just like Derek had said.

Stiles read a book. Not that he remembered a word of it. Still it at least made him feel better to have his hands turning pages and giving his eyes something to look at. An engine cut just outside and Stiles dropped the second book, he hadn't been reading that one either. He hadn't managed to pick it up, or decided what he was going to do, before the door opened and Derek was inside. Derek offered him a small, relieved smile and then Stiles was crossing to him and throwing his arms around his neck.
"You okay?" Derek whispered after a beat.
"Yeah," Stiles answered eventually. He leaned on Derek's shoulder and sighed slowly. It felt really good just to have his body pressed against Derek's.
"Did something happen?" Derek questioned next, his hand landing on the small of Stiles' back. He didn't press him closer, he didn't move at all. His hand simply rested on Stiles, as if this felt good to him too.
"No…not really."
"Okay." Silence fell but neither of them moved. When Stiles pulled back he avoided looking at Derek and crossed back to the futon, nearly tripping over the book still on the floor.
"I have to tell you something," he admitted before risking a glance. Derek paused in the middle of taking off his jacket, eyebrows rising.
"Alright," Derek agreed, still frozen. Stiles swallowed quickly, realizing quite suddenly that they'd made out earlier. And Derek had wolfed out. And bitten him. This was going to end badly. "What is it?" Derek pressed. Okay don't just blurt it out. You need to find a way to break this down gently so he doesn't chase you into the woods and maim you. Break it down. Break it down gently. You can do this. Breathe. Speak.
"I went to see Shane." Derek blinked at him and Stiles panicked. Holy shit that wasn't gentle! "I-I mean I um went to the diner and uh talked to him because-because well not because you told me not to it was just that I was walking and thinking and then I just went and-" Derek's hand clapping over his mouth cut him off, thankfully.
"That's fine," he said tersely. "I have no right to tell you who to see. I lost the handle I had on my wolf. It's fine. I'm sorry about your neck by the way."
"What?" Stiles mumbled behind Derek's hand.
"If you want to see Shane then you want to see him," Derek told him, pulling his hand away carefully and stepping back.

He took off his jacket and draped it over the banister. "I'm going to go take a shower okay?" Stiles felt himself frown.
"I don't want to see Shane," Stiles protested slowly.
"Okay," Derek said, climbing the first step. "That's fine. Whatever you want Stiles."
"What? No. What just happened?" Instead of answering Derek disappeared up the steps. "I'm trying to talk to you!" Stiles yelled after him. Still no answer. Stiles was tempted to plop on the futon and wait for him but he'd only make it worse he was reasonably sure. So he followed Derek up. Derek pushed off the sink as he gracelessly shoved open the bathroom door.
"What are you doing?" Derek asked slowly, carefully. Stiles realized for the first time that it was as if Derek was handling him with kid gloves.
"I said I'm trying to talk to you," Stiles snapped. "I went to see Shane because I had to tell him to leave us alone I'm your mate and you guys can't fight anymore okay? Jesus." Derek blinked at him again.
"What?"
"I didn't want you to hear it from someone else. There were other people there when it happened," Stiles explained impatiently.
"You told Shane you were mine? Publicly?"
"Didn't I just say that?" Stiles was set to launch into a clearer version of the story when Derek's sharp inhale cut him off. Derek's eyes closed and his hands curled at his sides. "Uh…Derek?" Derek didn't answer. He didn't move at all other than to breathe. He kept dragging in sharp inhales and letting them out silently. Stiles might have wondered how he was doing it if he wasn't so confused, quickly giving way to terrified. Derek growled, cutting it off as Stiles' breath caught. Stiles was just about to start breathing again when Derek growled again. "Are you okay?" he asked quickly with his limited supply of oxygen. Derek didn't answer and Stiles backed up half a step. Derek's eyes flew open. They were blue. Stiles was not comforted by the re-appearance of Derek's wolf. At all.
"Don't," he growled in the voice that wasn't quite his.
"Don't what?" Stiles squeaked. Officially out of air.
"Don't run. It's an invitation." Stiles couldn't help a quick full body shudder. He inhaled quickly.
"No running. Got it." Derek's eyes closed again.
"Just give me a minute."

Stiles was reasonably sure his heart was going to explode into a frothy mess but he forced himself to remain still. He had a feeling if he ran he wouldn't get far and he was not adding sex in public to his list that so far only contained sex in the woods. What's so wrong with beds? He bit his lip and started counting, loosing count three times, never making it past seventy, before Derek spoke. "I'm fine," he said slowly. "We're good."
"Are you sick or something?" Stiles blurted. Derek smiled and holy crap that scared him even more.
"Just…frustrated. Glad you cleared that up. I'm going to take my shower."
"You're acting weird," Stiles told him, squinting.
"Stiles," Derek pinched the bridge of his nose. He sighed and dropped his hand. "I'm horny," he said plainly. "The full moon passed and we didn't have sex. That doesn't mean the urges went away. It makes it harder for me to stay in control." Stiles half wished he was angled towards the mirror so he could see his face. Pieces started clicking into place.
"But when you came back," he started to argue.
"You were emotionally distressed. And Shane." Derek growled around the name and Stiles cringed. Derek shook his head once. "There were other things to focus on."
"So if the urges don't go away…" Stiles trailed off, cheeks heating.
"I'm going to take my shower," Derek said again, deliberately.
"Oh," was out before Stiles could stop it. Then he saluted before backing out of the bathroom as fast as possible.

A/N: NOT ABANDONED. NEVER ABANDONED.

Ahem. I know I'm sorry. Shit is happening and there is only so much I can do.

I had to do a shit ton of re-writes and we all got cockblocked by ff okay.

Seeing as I only joined the site last year and I tend to skim "rules" I was unaware that explicit sex was not actually allowed.

I will no longer be writing smut

on this site.

So along with all the other stuff I have to do I will be transferring to ao3.

That is gonna be tons of fun. Ooh sarcasm.

I'm hoping by next update I will be moved over, for this story at least..

For anyone that doesn't know I'm annber on tumblr. Not pimping just a way to keep track of me. Also I'm on tumblr everyday so if you want to talk, that is the place to go.

I will also be annber on ao3 when I get set up.

Thank you all. You are lovely.