Mutations

Chapter 10 Up is Down

"Did you buy daisies?" she asks softly, in such a whisper that it makes you feel like she wants this to be a secret. You smile lightly, because she's trying to make you feel like you haven't lost her yet.

"Daisies?" you ask, confused at her sudden change of topic.

"For Lydie. Mommy used to always bring her daisies."

"Did she?" for a moment you feel guilty, because you think you should know this. You shouldn't have just brushed everything that had to do with Lilly away because you couldn't handle the fact that she was gone. You were never able to fully believe that it wasn't your fault, that you could have prevented it if you only gone and checked on her half an hour earlier.

"Yeah, she said that lilies would only give you ideas. It would encourage you," you can hear her giggle lightly and it makes you shake your head.

"Mommy was always just jealous that I got to have special nicknames and she didn't."

Both of you are quiet for a moment and you are trying to get a hold of yourself, you can feel that she is trying to find a way to ask a question she doesn't know how to word properly.

"Daddy?" she finally says and you hold on to the counter.

"Yes baby?" this is it; you rattle your brain for an answer though you still don't know the question.

"Is Mommy in heaven?"

You knew she was going to ask something that would be hard to answer, but you had no idea it would be this. You can feel her eyes staring at you even though she is miles away, waiting for you to answer because you're her daddy and you're supposed to know everything.

But you don't know how to answer her, what are you supposed to tell your daughter that will comfort her when you don't believe in the object of the question.

So you do what you are best at, you run away from it by hanging up on your daughter with some sort of excuse you don't remember.

You were always the winner at disappointing people.

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Cuddy's hand on your shoulder makes you jump slightly, she wasn't supposed to have found out already. You haven't come up with a reason as to why you messed up this time.

"House," she says your name carefully, trying to make you understand through the hand on your shoulder and her soft voice that she really didn't want to punish you this time.

"The board and I have decided that maybe you should start seeing a psychiatrist," she says the words slowly, and though her hand is still on your shoulder giving you a slight squeeze she moves away a bit. You don't blame her; you've been exploding at just about everyone lately.

"I was so sure…" you don't look at her, looking at her would mean that you really did mess up, that you almost killed your patient with the wrong medication because you were too distracted to pay attention to the history. How could you forget she was allergic to penicillin?

"House I know that you have a lot going on right now and I've tried to cut you every break possible. But this time, there was nothing I could do," she is being reasonable, you feel guilty that you are so mad at her. "You've just been so distracted recently-"

"My wife DIED. She was killed by some idiot kid and you wonder why I'm distracted?!" you turn around to glare at her; you need someone to be angry with right now, someone beside yourself.

"Look, we all miss Allison. It was unfair that she had to die, but you need some help House. You aren't dealing with all of this in the right way."

"And what would be the right way? Kissing puppies and chasing rainbows?" you don't know why you're yelling

"No. But…House you sent your daughter away! Her mom just died and you just sent her away! You need to talk to someone!"

"I don't need anyone," you lie, because there is just so much you need to figure out and are too afraid to ask. When was the last time you even talked to Wilson?

"I don't care. You are going to see a psychiatrist, understand? Once a week at first then we can arrange something else," she is back to hospital administrator mode; she isn't your friend Cuddy anymore.

"Whatever."

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Next chapter should be up soon. Please review.

GabbyAbby