sorry it's been like four years

sorry this is short

sorry i'm disappointing

i'll get better i promise

i'm just sick

like i legitimately am sick i'm not just saying that i have some stupid summer cold and i'm actually having a coughing attack as i post this so i am sorry but fer real

sick

anyway

thank

*bows*

I woke with no memory of the events that had transpired. I can say now that if I had remembered it upon waking up, I would have been less likely to question my trust for Harrison, but because I did not, I woke remembering only that I had somehow come to be in my quarters. I looked at the clock.

I and stood up immediately, straightening my dress and sprinting out of the room back to med bay. It had been three hours since I last looked at the clock and I had not reported back to Doctor McCoy. Knowing the attitude he was in right now, I would probably not be welcomed back happily.

But...

How in the world had I even ended up outside med bay? I hadn't left, had I?

I nearly ran into Spock as I hurried down the hallway.

"Peleia," he said surprised and took my arms, "we were worried about you. Doctor McCoy said you hadn't reported since you left to talk to Lieutenant Harrison," he said.

"Lieutenant Harrison...?" I had no memory of having gone to speak with him.

"Yes, the doctor said you got a private call from him and went to answer him but never came back," he said.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I must admit I am slightly confused. I have no memory of how I came to be in my quarters or why I was unconscious," I said.

"What do you mean unconscious?"

"I... I'm not sure, I woke just now on my bed," I said, becoming more aware of the danger I could be in and definitely more confused. "I do not recall ever being called out to speak with Lieutenant Harrison. The farthest I remember is speaking with Doctor McCoy about-" I stopped myself. Now was not the time to reveal my secret, "- about my new assignment," I said. Spock took my stutter to be attributed to my confusion.

"Do you remember anything?"

I tried to dig into my memory but it seemed like whatever used to be there was physically erased. "No," I said which worried me much more than it had a moment earlier. "I don't remember anything," I began to panic, "I can't- I don't remember."

Spock took my arms firmly. "Peleia," he said, his voice calm and soft. "I need you to calm down and open your mind," he said.

I took a breath and nodded. I closed my eyes and Spock placed his fingers carefully on my face. I opened my mind entirely to him and after some hesitation, that included everything I knew about John Harrison and about the secret I had been keeping. It included every detail but Spock didn't seem interested in much of it although I did see that he had taken note of at least our relationship.

Spock suddenly darted behind a figurative locked door that I couldn't seem to get behind. I waited for him to come back and as soon as he emerged, I realized that he had severed mental contact. I opened my eyes and he was standing a step away from me.

"Who is he?" he asked, a stern look on his face.

I knew exactly who that 'he' was and it scared me to think that I had not told Spock myself who he was. "Lieutenant Commander John Harrison," I said. "We have a sort of business agreement that requires briefings," I said, trying to explain in as simple of terms that I could.

"Is that so?" he asked. I assumed there was something more that he had seen. What had happened? What was behind that locked door?

"Yes," I said. "Spock, what is the matter?"

Spock's jaw clenched in anger and he brushed past me back to my quarters, entering without the need of my key card.

"You don't remember anything, isn't that what you said?" he asked loudly as soon as the door was closed and sealed.

"I do not remember," I said again.

"Is that the truth, or is this just another game?"

"Another game? Why would I lie to you Spock? Just tell me what you saw!" I said, my tone rising to match his.

"Peleia, what has happened to you? Where did all of these secrets come from? It's like you're an entirely different person than the one I know! Seeing another man?! Another officer?!" Spock seemed both confused and angry mixed with sadness. "If you wanted to declare kal-if-fee you could have just told me! It wouldn't be as bad as this!"

"Spock, I don't want-"

"No! Of course you don't want that! You want everything to be your way!" he said. "It could matter less the involved parties and their emotions on the matter; what does another Vulcan mean, he doesn't feel anything!" he shouted.

"Spock, stop-" I started, reaching out to him but he pulled away.

"You lied to me!" he shouted. "You lied to me to get on this ship; that's all you wanted wasn't it! More time to see him; more room for accomplishment! You're no better than the rest of them," he snarled.

"Spock-" tears had welled up in my eyes. What on earth had happened that I didn't know about?

"There is nothing you can say," he said.

"Spock, I don't remember," I gasped, tears rolling over my cheeks and onto my neck. "I don't remem-"

"It doesn't matter! You were clearly thinking at the time and it didn't even cross your mind that perhaps I would be curious as to who this man was that visited you privately!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I sobbed but it was overrun by his shouting.

"I thought we had an agreement! I thought I could trust you!"

"I don't remember!" I yelled as he shook his head and turned away.

"I hope you see what you've done and I hope you know," he said turning back to me suddenly and getting right above me. It was reminiscent of my experiences as a child. I started to shut down; my emotions were all squeezed painfully into the back of my mind. "You have brought dishonor upon the entire Vulcan race through this treachery," he hissed. "You are a disappointment and a liar."

"Spock-"

"I never want to hear my name off your lips again, do you understand, Ensign?"

I looked up blankly at him.

"I said do you understand!" he yelled, startling me more and sending shaky shivers through me.

"Yes, sir," I whispered.

"Stay out of my way and out of my sight. I don't want to see you again until you're ready to mature past the age of five," he said.

"Yes, sir," I repeated, more quietly.

He glared one last time at me before scoffing and charging out the door. It closed immediately and I was left standing beside my bed alone with a new weight on my back. I had done everything wrong. I was past the point of no return; whatever things I didn't know seemed to be the things hurting me the most.