Part 5: Ride or Die
Rocks and Water
"Rocks and Water" by Deb Talan, from "A Bird Flies Out" (2004).
A calm certainty settles over Alex.
First she's frantic, desperately casting around the cockpit for a set of controls she recognizes. Barking at Winn on the phone, pressing any button she can. But as the ship lifts higher and higher toward the atmosphere, and she understands that she's going to be catapulted across the galaxy, that she's going to die, she's calm for the first time in days.
the devil he wore such a fine, fine shirt
and it stayed so clean while he dragged me through the dirt
now, honey, don't trust anyone who looks you in the eye
don't take any kindness, it's a demand in disguise
When her father betrayed her, when he'd stolen the list of registered aliens and when he'd told her, in the forest, that she'd have to kill him to keep him away from Cadmus, she lost it. She broke down. She sobbed, she screamed, she lashed out, she drank.
She had fought for him, turned on Kara for him. She'd been so blissfully happy, just hours before. Those last moments in Kara's apartment – with her sister and her mother and her father and her Maggie all safe and whole and home and together – she didn't think she'd ever been so happy in her life.
And it had all been a lie.
He had played them, fooled them, it was genocide in disguise. He took her with him and dragged her through the dirt of her past, of her love for him, of her entire life. He pitted her against everyone she loved, and he kept doing it even after she'd collapsed, sobbing, onto the forest floor.
Not just Mon-El now but Kara, but Winn, but J'onn lost their faith in him. Called him an enemy. Tricked her, betrayed her, dragged her.
Only Maggie stood with her.
seven times i went down
six times i walked back
and i don't fear the dark anymore
cause i'm become all that
And J'onn betrayed her, in her own home, standing in her kitchen, dragging her, and she has never felt quite so lost.
And she had called Kara and Kara had come but Kara had said "I think you should sit this one out," and Alex honestly wondered if Red Kryptonite as involved again, because she didn't even recognize this person in front of her.
And Kara had said "You should be focusing on the aliens that we're trying to find," like the aliens were a bigger priority for Alex than Jeremiah, which, yeah, maybe they should have been be because there are mathematically more of them than there are of him, but Alex would never put the math before her own family, never, and Kara should have fucking known that.
And Kara had said "When we find them, you risk making a bad call and putting them in danger, or worse, getting yourself hurt," like Alex could give a shit about getting hurt if it saves her dad from the monsters that are holding him.
And Kara had said "I have to go, I'm sorry," like this, like the Danvers sisters being divided, being on opposite sides, fighting against each other about Jeremiah instead of side-by-side for Jeremiah was the new normal. Like what time it as and who publishes what was important than that fact that Alex was being shattered, right in this moment.
But Maggie had been there. Standing behind her, solid and strong. And Alex hadn't been able to look at her but Maggie had said, "Ride or die," and she had said "Where do we start?" and that was enough for Alex to pick up the pieces of herself and press them together and hope they held.
Like maybe when the rest of the world was against her, Maggie could keep her safe.
and i don't fear the dark anymore
cause i'm become all that
And they had taken out three Cadmus lackeys and freed Brian and Alex had kissed her, hard.
And Alex had gone to Cadmus and she'd been focused and clear and dedicated but her hands had shaken as she'd set the bombs around the building. She wasn't panicked or frantic, but she was jumpy, her breath coming in shallow gasps. And she got exactly what she needed. Her father finally, finally, looked her in the eye and nodded to her. He handed her back her gun and turned on Lillian. He trusted her to protect him, to protect herself, to protect Kara and Eliza. To guide him home.
And she dropped the stick and blew up the building and she was pretty sure, in that moment, that she was never coming home. But if she saved him, if she stopped the ship, if she brought down Lillian and Cadmus – that was enough for her. She wasn't afraid. She was living her purpose. She had taken the darkness and turned it for her own use.
She wasn't afraid.
She ran onto the ship, got safely into the cockpit, and then she realized. She couldn't stop it. Fear, then panic, and then, calm.
lift your head up in the wind
when you feel yourself grow colder
wrap the night around your shoulders
and i will be with you even then
even when i cannot see your face anymore
She worries, when Kara is getting shot at by the ship. But once Kara is in front of her, once she can put her own eyes on her beautiful baby sister, she's calm.
She makes Kara look at her. What happened in the apartment is gone, erased, brushed off to the floor where it belongs. One or two petty fights can't possibly stack up to how much Alex loves Kara, has always loved Kara, has always needed Kara.
And Kara looks back at her, eyes firm and set and confident, and she gives a little nod, and Alex knows.
Kara loves her.
"Okay," she says, but she means I'm so happy to see you one more time.
"Go," she says, but she means Thank you for loving me.
"Come on," she says, but she means I love you.
She presses her hand to the glass and hopes that Kara knows that she isn't afraid.
"You can do this," she says, but she means You're so strong and I'm so proud of you.
"You got this," she says, but she means I will always love you.
She wishes she could call Maggie, just to hear her voice one more time. She hopes that, after she's gone, Maggie and Kara go on with their lives. She hopes they're happy. She hopes that when they're cold or afraid or alone, they can feel her with them.
She knows that, even from across the galaxy, even after she's died, she'll feel them with her. She'll have Kara's strength and Maggie's hard edge, Kara's generosity and Maggie's gentleness, Kara's sweetness and Maggie's support.
She hopes they'll have something of hers, too. She hopes they feel warmer, less alone, for having known her.
i will be rocks, i will be water
i will leave this to my daughter
And Alex has always been Kara's rock, her steadiness, but Kara is Alex's water. Kara is what fills her up, keeps her alive, the energy and the love that flows back and forth inside of herself. Alex always felt at peace in the swells of the ocean, and Kara has always been her water. And water doesn't need rocks, really. It can flow straighter and stronger and more true without them.
Kara will be okay without her, and she's happy for that.
And if Kara is the water inside of her, Maggie has become something entirely new. Fire maybe, like before Maggie she'd always been cold and never realized it. Or a gust of wind, like she'd never tasted fresh air before Maggie and now knows the crisp taste of fall on her tongue. Kara is what kept Alex existing, and Maggie is what has made her happy and whole and new and fresh and maybe even worthwhile.
So now, as this ship catapults her into space, she's happy with her legacy. She's happy with what she's done with her life. She's happy with what she is leaving on Earth.
She's happy that she was able to give Kara such a good decade and a half. She's happy she was able to build a life and a family for her sweet orphaned sister. She's happy that Kara wasn't alone. She's happy that she loved Kara so well, so fully, so completely. She hopes that her love and her strength keep Kara going. Keep her strong. Keep her warm and safe when she feels cold and alone. She's so much better for having loved Kara.
She's happy that her father isn't a pawn anymore. She hopes that he gets free of Cadmus, comes home for good. She's happy that they had this moment together, that he knows that she's never given up on him. She's happy to know that he still loves her, that he's still a good person.
She's so impossibly happy to have known Maggie. She's happy to have learned this new and beautiful thing about herself. She's happy to have started creating something new and beautiful with Maggie. She's happy with how happy she's been able to make Maggie. She's happy to have loved Maggie so purely, so honestly, to have been someone steady and present and loving for Maggie. She hopes that she's helped to heal some of the raw wounds inside of Maggie, hopes that Maggie feels a little more deserving of a good love. She hopes that she's helped Maggie see how amazing she is, how wonderful, how beautiful, how good and generous and giving and perfect she is. She hopes that Maggie is a stronger and softer person for having known her.
She wishes she had told Maggie that she loves her, but she's sure that Maggie knows.
As the engines continue to fire, as she watches Kara push and scream and falter, she's calm. She's at peace.