Chapter 10: Monster in Shadows

Late at night, after the inn had gone quiet, and guests and staff were in bed and asleep, Victor shifted restlessly in Yuuri's arms, breaking out in a nervous sweat as he began to remember.

He stood, again, in the gardens of the hotel where the banquet had taken place, looking up at the bright, pretty moon and finishing the last of his champagne. Daydreaming, as he was, of his and Yuuri's beautiful future together, he didn't notice the person who was watching him closely and moving into position behind him.

He turned his head to look around at the little snapping of a twig, but didn't see anything, so he turned his attention back to the moon and stars, not realizing as he thought happily about his lover and fiancé, that everything in his world was about to change.

Time seemed to slow as his attacker's arm wrapped around his waist, fooling him into thinking that it was just Yuuri taking hold of him. Then, the arm around his neck warned him a moment too late of the danger that had caught him, drunk and off guard.

He seemed to separate from his body, and he watched as the dark figure behind him knocked him off his feet, then choked him into submission. There was a small opportunity when the man released his hold on Victor's throat, but being affected by the alcohol, he wasn't fast enough, and was only slammed down against the ground and incapacitated.

The man hissed out a few words as he attacked.

Trash.

Whore.

Thief.

Victor felt a strange shiver run down his spine as he also realized.

His scent is like…

Victor sat up suddenly in bed, panting and shaking so hard that it instantly woke Yuuri also. Yuuri instinctively wrapped his arms around Victor and held him close as the Russian skater struggled to gain enough control to speak.

"Victor…" Yuuri whispered, his dark eyes sad and sympathetic.

"S-sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," Yuuri said reassuringly, touching his lover's sweaty face and kissing his cheek.

Victor's teeth clenched and he swallowed hard, closing his eyes and shivering, even though the room was warm.

"Was it about…what happened?" Yuuri asked, "Or was it a panic attack?"

Victor took a shuddering breath.

"It was about the rape," he answered, when he could make his voice sound.

Yuuri's eyes widened.

"Did you remember something you didn't before?" he asked cautiously.

Victor buried his face in his slighter partner's shoulder, working to get his breaths to slow down and his heart to stop racing.

"Yes."

Yuuri waited silently as Victor continued calm. He ran his fingers through a tumble of silvery hairs and kissed him on the side of the neck.

"I remember he used a rough, hissing voice, probably to hide his real one," Victor explained, "As he was raping me, he called me trash. He said I was a whore. He called me a thief."

"A thief?" Yuuri repeated, frowning, "Why would he call you a thief? I mean, you aren't any of those things, but him calling you a thief is pretty weird. If you're a thief, then what is it that he thinks you stole?"

"I don't know," Victor said almost soundlessly, "A girlfriend, maybe? I don't remember stealing anyone's girlfriend before. I don't know what he meant. But I also remembered that…he was wearing the same cologne that I do. I think I didn't originally remember, because it blended in with my own scent. But, during part of the attack, h-he bent over me and whispered thief into my ear. That's when I smelled his cologne."

Victor felt his stomach clench suddenly, and he hurriedly exited the bed and ran into the bathroom, where he dropped to his knees, heaving violently. Yuuri followed on his heels and settled alongside him, holding him gently and comforting him as he expelled everything, then collapsed, letting his weight fall against his anxious partner. Yuuri reached up and filled a glass with water, then gave it to Victor, who used it to rinse his mouth out, then fell back against Yuuri, panting wearily.

"It's okay. You'll be okay," Yuuri soothed him, "I'm right here."

"I feel so dizzy," Victor whispered, "It's feels like I might pass out."

Yuuri nodded.

"You're breathing too fast. Let's start with that. Breathe in as slowly as you can. Eight seconds in, then eight seconds out. I'll breathe with you."

"Okay."

"Breathe in…and breathe out…breathe in…and breathe out. What do you feel with your senses?" What's touching you?

"You are, Yuuri." Victor sighed, closing his eyes.

"And what does that feel like?"

"Your hands are warm and they feel smooth where they touch my face. Your cheek is cool and feels soft against mine."

"Good. What do you smell?"

"I smell Yuuri's scent…light, a little bit sweet. You have a little of the scent of the hot spring still on you."

"Good. Let's breathe together again. In for eight seconds…and out. In for eight seconds. Out."

"I think this is helping," Victor said as he breathed out, "I feel less dizzy and my stomach doesn't feel so bad."

"I'm glad," Yuuri said in a relieved tone, "You look better too."

Victor sighed again, resting against Yuuri and continuing to draw long, slow breaths. He felt his body slowly returning to a calmer state, but his mind continued working on the puzzle that his returning memory had posed for him.

He called me a thief.

What was it that he thinks I took from him, or from someone he cares about. This sounds so personal…not random at all, but focused and thought out. He knew I would be there that night, and he went there with the intent of hurting me.

But is he a romantic rival? I don't know about that. I have dated and slept with a lot of people before I met Yuuri, but I never broke up relationships, at least not that I knew.

Could it be a skating rival? If so, then why there? Why then?

So many questions…

I need to think.

His eyes opened and he regarded Yuuri's questioning gaze silently for a moment.

"I want to skate," he said, earning a look of surprise from his lover.

"You want to skate…now?" Yuuri asked, "But, it's the middle of the night!"

"I want to skate, right now," Victor insisted, "Yuko and Takeshi said that I can go there anytime. I have my own key and the code for the alarm."

"What?" Yuuri mused, giving him a startled look, "When did they do that? They never gave me a key to the building."

"I think they realized that it would probably be good for me to keep busy and to practice so that I work through everything and focus on something besides what happened to me."

"Yeah, that sounds like something they would do. They're really good people."

"Yes, they are."

Victor took a steadying breath and pulled free of Yuuri, and he climbed to his feet. Instantly, stars began to dance in front of his eyes and he pressed up against Yuuri.

"Are you okay?" Yuuri asked anxiously.

"I am as well as can be expected."

"Which is to say not good at all," Yuuri said worriedly, "Victor, maybe this isn't a good idea. You're still recovering."

"But, I want to skate. I can relax while I am skating. I can…think."

"I know, but you also need rest and time to fully recover."

Victor shook his head firmly.

"I need to go to the ice rink," he insisted.

Yuuri took a shaky breath.

"Okay," he capitulated, "we'll go. Just, at least dress warmly, and if you feel bad at all, you tell me and I'll take care of you."

"I know you will," Victor said, smiling, "You always take care of me."

"You take care of me, too," Yuuri said, smiling and kissing him on the cheek.

Victor froze at the touch of his lips, and Yuuri drew back reflexively.

"Victor…"

"It's fine," his silver-haired partner assured him.

Victor looked quietly into Yuuri's dark, concerned eyes and leaned forward to kiss him on the mouth. He kept the contact light and gentle, slipping his arms around Yuuri and holding him almost cautiously. Yuuri leaned into the kiss, careful to keep his hands from clenching where they rested, opened, on the silver-haired man's chest. Victor moved forward, nudging him slowly out of the bathroom and back in the direction of the bed. They reached it a few steps later and paused, looking quietly into each other's eyes.

"Are you okay?" Yuuri asked, holding still, "You don't have to…"

He lost his breath as Victor moved forward, bringing him down onto the bed, on his back. He leaned over his quietly watching partner, kneeling between Yuuri's parted thighs and not quite lowering himself all of the way. He kissed Yuuri more slowly, savoring his lips tenderly, then he brought his body down until they were touching, but not with his full weight.

Victor shivered as another flash of memory assaulted his mind.

You are miserable trash!

He swallowed hard, forcing the thought away as he met Yuuri for another powerfully warm kiss.

Spread your legs, filthy, useless whore! They're too weak to be good for anything else now, aren't they?

Victor sucked in a sharp breath and crawled hastily off of Yuuri's body. Then, he knelt beside his curiously watching partner, panting softly and shaking all over.

"It's okay, just breathe slowly," Yuuri said soothingly, climbing onto his knees and hugging his quivering lover, "Just keep breathing slowly. We'll get through this too."

Victor's throat felt too tight for him to speak, but he nodded briefly to show he was listening. He calmed gradually, until he was relaxed against Yuuri and his heart slowed to a more normal rhythm. Yuuri's hand squeezed his supportively.

"We'll take our time," Yuuri reassured him, "I know this is so difficult, but I'm here for you. My family is here. Your father is here, and so are all of our friends. These are just little setbacks."

"This isn't little, Yuuri," Victor managed in a low, rough voice, "I can't even…"

"Shh, don't think about that right now. Don't focus on what's out of reach. Focus on what we can do. We can take calm breaths. We can kiss each other and hold hands. We can take small steps, Victor. We don't need to rush."

"I keep remembering more and more," Victor explained, "It's getting worse, not better!"

"Then, we'll just keep fighting!" Yuuri insisted.

"I'm not giving up," Victor assured him, "I am just…saying that right now, it seems things are getting worse."

"But, if you are remembering things, then you should be sure to forward whatever you recall to the detective handling your case."

"I don't know if I have remembered anything all that useful," Victor sighed unhappily, "When something does come back to me, I do focus on it and try to push myself to remember more."

"I know you want to remember more," Yuuri acknowledged, "but it's not good for you to push yourself too hard too soon. The stress isn't good for your mind or your recovering body. You know that."

"I do," Victor agreed.

"Now, you said that you wanted to skate?" Yuuri asked, "Do you still want to go?"

Victor considered quietly, his expression pensive.

"I do," he decided, "I know it sounds a little crazy, but…"

"It doesn't sound crazy at all," Yuuri said, taking Victor's hands in his, "Victor, whoever hurt you was trying to take away the things that matter to you. We can't let them do that. Skating is something that means everything to you."

"You mean far more," Victor said, giving him a small, tentative smile.

"Well, you have me. So now, we're going to give you back your skating too. We'll go to Ice Castle Hasetsu and we'll get you back on skates! That will have you feeling more like yourself in no time, right?"

"Maybe," Victor agreed hesitantly.

"I'm sure it will," Yuuri insisted, "Come on. Let's go now."

The two hastily dressed, then they slipped out into the darkness, heading for Ice Castle Hasetsu. Yuuri kept them at a jog to shorten the journey, and to distract his anxious partner out of his worries. They arrived at the rink, and Victor deactivated the alarm and opened the door for them. They headed inside, locking the door behind them.

Victor slowed as he approached the ice, and he breathed in the icy air, feeling a little sense of relief and happiness to be there again.

"There are so many happy memories here," he said softly to Yuuri as the two donned their skates.

They stepped onto the ice together.

Victor paused, looking down at his legs and hearing the rough, hissing voice from before.

Spread your legs, filthy, useless whore! They're too weak to be good for anything else now, aren't they?

He swallowed hard and forced the voice away violently, moving his feet just a little. As Yuuri watched, Victor began to move in practiced figures.

"That's right," he said approvingly, "We'll start small and rebuild everything. You know what Yakov always says to you. Move in small steps and soon you will be making great strides."

"Since when do you quote Yakov?" Victor chuckled, finally managing a smile.

"Since he actually said something true and useful,"Yuuri snickered.

"I'm telling him you said that," Victor warned him playfully.

Yuuri moved forward, shadowing Victor as he continued at a slow, steady pace. He closed his eyes, making the moves easily, even without the use of his eyes. And as he moved, the heavy feelings that had been swirling around him, seemed to recede. Fresh, cold air filled his lungs, bringing new life into his limbs. He moved faster, finishing his warm up and beginning to skate freely. Yuuri continued to move alongside him, shadowing him perfectly, as though sensing the moves before Victor made them.

I needed this so much! Victor realized, Ever since I became a figure skater, this…the ice…it is where I find my center, my foundation. Everything I am is built from here. When I was attacked, I broke apart and the pieces of me scattered in all directions. Slowly, slowly, I am picking them up and setting them back in place.

It just takes time.

Time.

Patience.

Love.

Whatever happens, I won't let that man's wickedness take away all of the beauty of living. I will remember that there are always beautiful things around me…beautiful people. There are always people loving me and supporting me.

I am not alone.

I am never alone.

Thank you, Yuuri, for helping me to keep remembering that.